They dumped you for a reason

[Nick Lansing]

This post is of course an overbroad generalization. People aren't computers. We make mistakes and our feelings change. People fall in and out of love, and back again, all the time. I understand the point about moving on, maybe even giving up hope of reconciliation (even though you may genuinely want reconciliation), but I don't see the point of telling people not to make positive changes because the changes are "superficial," and won't get their ex back.

 

Your message seems to be "Put your head down. You have been rejected. You are silly to think the person you love might ever want to be with you ever again, no matter what you do. Therefore, don't bother making positive changes in your life."

 

I've been dumped a number of times, and seen countless friends and relatives dumped, and if there's ONE thing good about being dumped, it's that it can be used as motivation to make positive changes in your life. Exercise, good eating, taking a class, studying harder... these are not "superficial" changes, but rather potentially profound life-altering ones. Rise up out of the ashes!

 

OR, you can mope and become negative, I suppose.

[Brownstone322]

... if there's ONE thing good about being dumped, it's that it can be used as motivation to make positive changes in your life. Exercise, good eating, taking a class, studying harder... these are not "superficial" changes, but rather potentially profound life-altering ones. Rise up out of the ashes!

Great points. I've always exercised and taken care of myself, but since "the big breakup" I've had time and opportunity to workout like never before. I'm probably in the best shape of my life, and it never woulda happened without that breakup. (And she's not in nearly as good shape today as I am, and she knows it.)

[The Man Who]

Good post man, a lot of people change to try to get their ex back, however the exes usually see through such obvious attempts. However, there are a good lot of us on this forum that generally do need to improve in certain aspects and I'd classify myself as one of them. The main part though, I'm improving on myself for me only, not to get back someone who didn't want me the 1st time - that's the key part right there

[Eocsor]

Ahhh, the masses of people in denial. Always good to see them. And I've always enjoyed seeing people jump to character assassination when someone posts something against reconcilliation. I know, I must be a bitter, jaded man. Woe is me.

 

My point is simply this, you liked yourself before the ex left right? So why does one person saying they don't want to spend time with you send you into an orgy of self improvement. To get back someone who didn't like you in the first place? Please, get a grip. There are tons of people out there who will like you for who you really are. If you want to make a change for YOU, thats great, go ahead. But the vast majority aren't doing that. They are changing to get the ex back. Thats superficial change and it won't last.

 

If it was such a wonderful relationship, if you were so special to them, they'd still be here today. It wasn't and you weren't. But hey, I guess it's a lot easier to hang onto the old and familiar. It takes guts to go out there, heal yourself and take the chance of finding someone who really values you for who you are.

 

But why settlle for someone who really cares for you when you can chase the ghost of a relationship with someone who thought you really weren't that great.

[Doofus]

I wrote elsewhere that love is not a meritocracy. And, it's not. But neither is it simply a numbers game. Brad Pitt and George Clooney have, I'm sure, had a lot more women interested in them than I have had in me. And I'm probably going to be more successful attracting women than the babbling homeless guy who sleeps under the pier. (Probably....) Anyway, Helen's face launched a thousand ships, supposedly. And even if that isn't true, a great deal of human civilization owes its existence to people trying to impress each other into having sex. There may be more noble motivations for positive change, but none are more common.

My point is that if you want somebody great then you better start working on being great yourself.

[octour]

Yup, they dumped us for a reason. If you take a look at that reason(s), maybe its true. And if it is true, what's wrong with fixing that problem? Maybe its something you didn't notice until it was brought to your attention. Maybe it is something that you want to rid yourself of and not subject anyone else to. Maybe it's holding you back in a lot of areas of your life. Does this mean that if you take care of the problem, your ex will take you back? No, it doesn't. But it might. As many members have stated before, every situation is different. And nobody knows your ex's better than you, especially if they were long-term. I think the gist of this post is not to go out and make changes for your ex. He/she wanted somebody that you weren't. But if it's a change that needs changing, then go for it and do it for you not for the ex. You can thank them later for bringing it to your attention if you want or feel you need to, but don't bother. words are cheap. And if your ex takes notice after this change has been made, maybe there can be a reconciliation. Again, who knows? Nobody here, only the two of you after you begin to talk about that possibility. But if the change is made for the betterment of you and it doesn't get your ex back, then at least its a change that you wanted to make for you and you did it. Now you can go out and find yourself a different mate and not subject him/her to a part of you that you really didn't like or even know existed. Do it for you, not for him or her. If the change/improvement gets him/her back then great. If not, you are an improved person that you've always wanted to be. And if it took your ex to break up with you to make that change, so be it. Everything happens for a reason.

[Nick Lansing]

So, if someone breaks up with us it means they don't like us? And that they don't care about us? How old are you, eocsor? Seems to me you're making the mistake of assuming your experience is universal. Perhaps your ex made a cold, calculated, impartial and objective assessment of your assets and liabilities, and made the rational decision to break up with you and to stop caring about you forever. If so, I'm sorry, and applaud your decision and ability to carry on with your life exactly as it was before. However, it doesn't always work that way.

 

Also, while you may be perfectly satisfied with yourself, I would submit that for the rest of us, self-improvement is a good thing, no matter the motivation.

[Huntress0527]

I love your post OP and couldn't agree with you more! I have always lived by once you become an ex you stay an ex. Why? Because if it didn't work out the first time around what's to say it will work out a second, third, fourth time around?

[Brownstone322]

Because if it didn't work out the first time around what's to say it will work out a second, third, fourth time around?

Er, what's to say any relationship is gonna work with anybody any time?

[octour]

I love your post OP and couldn't agree with you more! I have always lived by once you become an ex you stay an ex. Why? Because if it didn't work out the first time around what's to say it will work out a second, third, fourth time around?

 

There's always the possibility that there were outside circumstances that were affecting the relationship. If you take care and get rid of those circumstances, I don't see why two people can't reconcile and give it another shot.

 

However, if two people just aren't compatible and one is clinging to the other because of fear of moving on, then I will agree and it's time to forget about it and move on.

[Eocsor]

So, if someone breaks up with us it means they don't like us? And that they don't care about us? How old are you, eocsor? Seems to me you're making the mistake of assuming your experience is universal. Perhaps your ex made a cold, calculated, impartial and objective assessment of your assets and liabilities, and made the rational decision to break up with you and to stop caring about you forever. If so, I'm sorry, and applaud your decision and ability to carry on with your life exactly as it was before. However, it doesn't always work that way.

 

Also, while you may be perfectly satisfied with yourself, I would submit that for the rest of us, self-improvement is a good thing, no matter the motivation.

 

You don't really read my posts do you. I said and I quote

 

"If you want to make a change for YOU, thats great, go ahead. But the vast majority aren't doing that. They are changing to get the ex back. Thats superficial change and it won't last."

 

So change for your own sake good. Change to get the ex back is superficial and likely won't last, so therefore bad.

 

Chasing someone who dumped us is something the vast majority of us do. It's still largely useless though. They may care about us in a fashion, just not enough to make it worth our while. Find someone who cares about you enough to stick it out through the bad times and the character flaws. Otherwise you'll be right back here at the end of the day.

 

Oh, and to answer your question I'm 51 although girls tell me I only look 50.

[Huntress0527]

Er, what's to say any relationship is gonna work with anybody any time?

 

We don't technically just depends on the 2 people in the relationship but if it was bad enough to break up then I don't see a point getting back together. Just my opinion. I see too many people get back together just to know another break up is imminent.

[bourneid]

Since i got dumped in april i have looked alot into couples who get back together and looked at people around me and all situations. I know people who have split up and are still together 2 years later, 10 years later and even 20 years later. Its not impossible for a break up to turn itself into a stronger relationship. Not all relationships are possible to be repaired, some people try and it doesnt work, most relationships dont get to a point where they even talk about getting back together but i think its a bit niave to say a broken relationship cant be repaired.

 

My first two relationships dumped me and wanted me back, my current one dumped me but has never made any serious contact with me since it ended and i know its over for good. I have been dumped 3 times and its taken this latest one to really analyize myself and do some self improvements..... getting dumped 3 times aint really that great for your confidence ha ha!

[The Man Who]

"If you want to make a change for YOU, thats great, go ahead. But the vast majority aren't doing that. They are changing to get the ex back. Thats superficial change and it won't last."

 

So change for your own sake good. Change to get the ex back is superficial and likely won't last, so therefore bad.

 

Exactly!

 

A lot of people on this forum tend to make changes to try to win the ex back but in reality it should have nothing to do with getting the ex back at all. You should be trying to improve yourself for you, nobody else.

[mg22]

Sometimes people dump us for selfish reasons, not because of our FLAWS! They may regret leaving us ... and these are the ones that come crawling back , begging for forgiveness... YES it does happen... i would say mostly if you had a long relationship with the person... MY ADVICE , KEEP WORKING OUT, GET FIT, BECOME A BETTER PERSON, just in case !

[Brownstone322]

I have a friend I don't see so much anymore, but just by coincidence we exchanged a couple e-mails today. (He's a football official in the Big East Conference, and occasionally I hit him up for rules clarifications and interpretations, and today I happened to do just that.) Anyway, back in the '90s he was broken up with his then-girlfriend for several years. It was over. They had moved on and dated other people. Thing is, later they got married, and they've been married now for close to 10 years.

 

Today was my chance to say, "Dude, I just read on the internet not an hour ago that it 'ain't gonna happen.' That means you're both faking it, man! Whatever you two did to make amends couldn't have been genuine, so get out and move on (again), and find someone who's right for you!"

 

I'm sure their two young daughters will understand.

[mhowe]

I think it's more about the connection between two people --- and sometimes that cannot be denied. Years can pass, you can date others, possibly marry, and yet that indescribable element of the connection exists --- some how outside the normal reality of life.

 

A relationship can end due to lack of effort, due to outside influences, due to lack of growth. Whatever the reason, when one persons stops participating, by no choice, so must the other. I'm not saying you hang around, put your life on hold --- you shouldn't.

 

Sometimes you just can't explain it away.

[roadrunner12]

Brownstone, for arguments sake, can you give an educated guestimate on what percentage of couples you believe that break up get back together. For what its worth I would put it at something like less than 10% and more likely 5% leaving it in the ballpark of 90-95 % of couples not reconciling.

 

Looking forward to your opinion.

[Eocsor]

Well it's sad for their daughters but I'm sure they will understand. Just be sure and tell them it's for a good cause. Tell them their parents relationship had to die to support my argument. Kind of sad that they've been faking it for 10 years though. I guess some people are just desperate. And it's always the kids that suffer. Poor kids. sniff sniff.

[Brownstone322]

Well it's sad for their daughters but I'm sure they will understand. Just be sure and tell them it's for a good cause. Tell them their parents relationship had to die to support my argument. Kind of sad that they've been faking it for 10 years though. I guess some people are just desperate. And it's always the kids that suffer. Poor kids. sniff sniff.

I know, right. I'm gonna try to break it to them easy. It's gonna be tough.

[Brownstone322]

Brownstone, for arguments sake, can you give an educated guestimate on what percentage of couples you believe that break up get back together. For what its worth I would put it at something like less than 10% and more likely 5% leaving it in the ballpark of 90-95 % of couples not reconciling.

 

Looking forward to your opinion.

Not to cop out, but I think we'd have to look at the data (if we had any) the right way. I think a dilute sample would be highly deceptive. Lemme explain ...

 

I think first we'd need "filter" questions to identify some basics, such as: How long was the couple together? Did the breakup involve infidelity or abuse? A six-month relationship that ended with cheating would be drastically different from, say, a six-year marriage that fell into a "rut."

 

But then, I'd want a hugely important filter question that no one seems to discuss here: In what percentage of cases does either party actually want reconciliation after an extended period (at least a year, maybe more)? My guess is that in the vast majority of cases, neither partner has any interest in reconciliation after an extended period, and I suspect that will apply to the vast majority of the breakup stories you read here. Think about that. There's no point in measuring the rate of something that no one actually wants.

 

I've argued this before: In the long run, breaking up is usually a good thing. That's how we learn and grow. I mean, do we all expect to marry the person we were dating when we were 19? I don't know about you, but (with only one exception), there is no way I'd want to be with any of my exes. I don't even want to associate with them. They're not right for me now and, looking back, I can see they weren't right for me even then. So the reconciliation percentage will be -- and should be -- low. Probably very low. This represents progress.

 

But we also need to look at it from the other direction. A better perspective would be to examine couples that are currently together and have been together for an extended period (five years or more, maybe 10 years or more) and find out what percentage of them were once broken up for an extended period (for, I dunno, say three months or more). I think you'll find that percentage to be surprisingly high. (I know two such couples offhand; I probably know more, but I just don't know that much about their personal pasts.) So, when you look at it that way, you'll see that reconciliation among viable couples doesn't appear to be particularly rare at all.

 

Lies, damn lies and statistics. You know how that goes.

[octour]

And by successfully reconciling, are we talking getting back together for another few years or till death us do part?

[Tanzi]

Wow Brownstone, great post. You made some extremely valid points.

 

To add confusion to the statistics, I was married for just over 6 years when my husband left. We were apart for 5 months before getting back together. Maybe the fact that we had two children and a lot of history played a part in that (as it may do in a lot of longterm relationships or marriages). I dunno, but, anyhow another child and another six years later he left again. I think that regardless of what statistics say, its half a dozen of one and half a dozen of another. Every relationship, break-up and reconciliation is unique and a I don't think we should live our lives by statistics.

 

That said, if I had "listened" to statistics maybe I wouldn't have ended up getting back with my husband only to be hurt again ... but then I wouldn't have my beautiful daughter or be where I am in life now, so who knows. What I do know, though, is that I wouldn't want to go back and change a thing and I don't see any of the choices that I made as bad or wrong.

[winniethepooh]

I think it's more about the connection between two people --- and sometimes that cannot be denied. Years can pass, you can date others, possibly marry, and yet that indescribable element of the connection exists --- some how outside the normal reality of life.

Yes, this ^^^^^.

 

But sometimes one (or even both) need the separation to realise the connection was something more than the normal reality of life.

[winniethepooh]

But we also need to look at it from the other direction. A better perspective would be to examine couples that are currently together and have been together for an extended period (five years or more, maybe 10 years or more) and find out what percentage of them were once broken up for an extended period (for, I dunno, say three months or more). I think you'll find that percentage to be surprisingly high. (I know two such couples offhand; I probably know more, but I just don't know that much about their personal pasts.) So, when you look at it that way, you'll see that reconciliation among viable couples doesn't appear to be particularly rare at all.

Yes, I wonder about that too.