Appropriate amount of time to spend with friends in a marriage/LTR

[hers]

This is just a side-thought I had from something i was talking about in my journal about my husband spending time with his friends about 5 days a week. IMO, I think it's a little too frequent to be spending time with friends. He thinks it's not. He's out of work right now so of course he's bored and doesn't like spending time at home, but I can't help but feel resentful over the fact that he sees them that many times a week. Even when we have a chance to do soemthing together, he will make time with me and then will see his friends later. When he was working, he'd see them 3-4 times a week and it was the same thing...when we'd have a chance to have time together, he would still do something with his friends later.

 

Then there are times where when we have a chance to do something together, one of his friends (different friends, not always the same person) will come along. Like a few weeks ago, I was all excited to take our dog to a dog Halloween thing downtown, and we made plans to go together. He ended up calling one of his friends to tag along with us. Then while we were all there, he talked to his friend more than me and I felt like a 3rd wheel. I feel like I'm in high school when it gets like this.

 

To me, it's too frequent for me to be comfortable and happy about it. I see my friends/do my own thing about 2x a week, which to me is enough. I also go to meetings 2-3 times a week, but for an hour each time, and then doing my own thing will sometimes be included in that (like going to the bookstore or something). And most weeks, I don't even spend time with my friends (my group of friends and I will make it a point to see each other about 2 days a month to really have our own time together--no husbands/kids, etc). My husband and I will do a "date night/day" thing but it always feels rushed, b/c he will often make it a point to make plans with friends later.

 

I can definitely say I like my alone time more than he does--he's very extroverted and I tend to be more introverted, but neither of us is extreme about it. Don't know if that matters.

 

So what's an appropriate time for you guys in your relationships to spend with friends? I am referring mostly to marriages or relationships where you live together. I realize all relationships will be different with their own standards, which is precisely why I'm asking.

[DN]

You have to work these things out for yourselves - what works for some doesn't work for others. And it can change over time even in the same relationship.

 

One thing to be aware of is that people aren't allowing themselves to disguise control issues under the cloak of something else.

[hers]

Right, I know what works for some isn't the same standard others might have but that's why I am asking. I want to know what works for others.

[ButterflyWrists]

Personally, (as a student at university) I try and do group things with a boyfriend, I know I ended up spending too much time last year with my boyfriend and no one else. I do think that your hubby is spending too much time with his friends, if you don't have that much time to see eachother, he should keep the sunday (that was the day wasnt it?) to you to, as a date day, else you will end up resenting the fact his friends seem to have higher importance.

I can understand him wanting to see his friends, when your social life litterally resolves around your spouse you have no one else to talk to really, it can be frustrating. When he was working, there were other people to talk to, even though it wasn't a social atmosphere.

 

Explain to him, that you need your time together, and if he and his friends want to play games, they're gonna have to change the day its on, else it will affect your marriage.

[Zuri]

DN is so correct. I'm in a LT relationship (almost 6 years). Last year and a half was bad because of his "need" to be with friends... both male and female and without ME. I got the boot too many times to count over the course of that year and a half. I admit...sometimes it was because I outright gave him reason BUT it could all be traced back to his original change in behavior - ditching me for "friends". We were both on the same page the first few years then he got a promotion and made several new "friends" in addition to a few before that of whom I did not approve. Finally last summer he dumped me. Said he didn't want to be "micromanaged". Well, I wasn't about to change so I let him go. He came back and we did the break up get back togther several more times. I will bend. He said: I want to be with someone who trusts me. I said then GO because under these circumstances I don't trust you. We are ALL humans and come on....

Well, he's back. Again. Things seem to be on the up. He agrees with how I feel. Not just going along but says I'm right. We shall see.

Point: it's fine to have friends and spend time with friends but there must be a balance and I won't tolerate my SO going to a bar or club or a friend's home where both men and women are yet I'm not invited. It's a deal breaker for me.

Also, plans with me broken for a friend... NO. Unless it's very special circunstances.

I wouldn't even think of doiing that and do unto to others...

[hers]

Thanks Butters. Glad to se eyou here

 

I don't want a relationship of "We only see each other, no time for freinds" b/c that'd drive me and him crazy. But I do want to find a nice balance of it.

[hers]

Thanks. I understand what you mean and I agree with you. On 4th of July last year, he hurt my feelings so badly by doing that. This is exactly how it went:

Him: Why don't you, me, and Dave go to [pub in town] together after the fireworks?

Me: Ok, that sounds great.

LITERALLY 5 minutes later:

Him: Actually, I just want to hang out with Dave. Do you mind staying home?

 

Even Dave said that was messed up that he did that.

 

Just to give an example of how it's alway sbeen

[ButterflyWrists]

You guys need to talk to eachother (not right now, as he's on the defensive!) and set out what you both find acceptable. If he goes out 5 days a week during the week, and it isn't affecting your marriage (in the sense that housework is done, and he's not leaving everything down to you, and he isn't spending money on un necesary things) that's fine, so long as he keeps one day for just the two of you, or you two and you spend time with mutial friends etc.

If he doesn't quite grasp the issue, then explain to him some examples from earlier in your relationship.

[hers]

You guys need to talk to eachother (not right now, as he's on the defensive!) and set out what you both find acceptable. If he goes out 5 days a week during the week, and it isn't affecting your marriage (in the sense that housework is done, and he's not leaving everything down to you, and he isn't spending money on un necesary things) that's fine, so long as he keeps one day for just the two of you, or you two and you spend time with mutial friends etc.

If he doesn't quite grasp the issue, then explain to him some examples from earlier in your relationship.

 

Oh trust me, it's been talked about. It's been talked to death. All at different times, even when he's not on the defensive. He has a way of telling me waht i want to hear and then waiting till it blows over and goes back to the normal routine (like he will make it a point to not spend so much time there and that'll last a couple of weeks).

 

But the part I bolded in your post:

To me, thats inappropriate. His friends get 5 and I get 1. That doesn't seem fair (not trying to sound like a whining child but really, I feel like it shoudl be the other way around!)

[Zuri]

Thanks. I understand what you mean and I agree with you. On 4th of July last year, he hurt my feelings so badly by doing that. This is exactly how it went:

Him: Why don't you, me, and Dave go to [pub in town] together after the fireworks?

Me: Ok, that sounds great.

LITERALLY 5 minutes later:

Him: Actually, I just want to hang out with Dave. Do you mind staying home?

 

Just to give an example of how it's alway sbeen

 

What I don't get is that I would never do such a thing. EVER. And if I did something would be up with my heart regarding my SO. Mine has been VERY hurtful in similar ways and talking did NOTHING for me to improve things for a very long time. He would not listen then left.

Then finally I made "friends" and was moving on. I didn't do it to get back. I did it AFTER the sobbing stopped and I was able to actually enjoy myself. I hope it doesn't get to that for you. Let us know how things go. Keep us updated.

[ButterflyWrists]

But the part I bolded in your post:

To me, thats inappropriate. His friends get 5 and I get 1. That doesn't seem fair (not trying to sound like a whining child but really, I feel like it shoudl be the other way around!)

I would normally agree here, and if he had a job I would say that amount of time is in exess, however he doesn't have a job, so is stuck at home while you work with not much to do once chores are done etc. In this case 5 is still in exess, however, he might be more willing to compromise if he see's you being more relaxed about the amount of time he spends with his friends. Not sure, but it might be worth a shot?

[hers]

I would normally agree here, and if he had a job I would say that amount of time is in exess, however he doesn't have a job, so is stuck at home while you work with not much to do once chores are done etc. In this case 5 is still in exess, however, he might be more willing to compromise if he see's you being more relaxed about the amount of time he spends with his friends. Not sure, but it might be worth a shot?

 

Ok I understand now. I was thining that was more of an in general statement. I don't expect him to keep up all the housework adn such now that I'm not home. I only ask that he does just a bit of cleaning each day and walk the dog (since I used to do all that more). He's really good about it now that he's not working though so that's not a problem at all. But the problem is that it's always been the frequency, whether he's working or not.

[OptomisticGirl]

Five days is too many, IMO. If he makes such an effort to see them that often, he needs to put the same effort in with you. Next time you talk suggest him coming to see you at work - I use to do this with my ex when he was a server - even if it's only for five minutes, he sees you. I think it's not so much him not seeing you but it coming accross as him not putting enough EFFORT in to see you as he does his friends...

[rocio]

I just wouldn't feel comfortable telling my partner that he should want to spend more time with me. Being married isn't about dictating who your partner should be spending time with. I suspect that would almost always backfire.

[hers]

I'm not dictating anything to him by telling him my feelings and trying to compromise.

[Stay_home]

Ok I understand now. I was thining that was more of an in general statement. I don't expect him to keep up all the housework adn such now that I'm not home. I only ask that he does just a bit of cleaning each day and walk the dog (since I used to do all that more). He's really good about it now that he's not working though so that's not a problem at all. But the problem is that it's always been the frequency, whether he's working or not.

 

In my own 2sidedcoiness, I think that should be a given. If I was home all day while my wife worked, she wouldn't have to ask me to do a damn thing. The house would be clean, food would be cooked, clothes washed, grass cut, dog walked, furniture dusted and in addition my ass would be looking for a job and whatever else I could do to help her out. She shouldn't have to ask me to do that. We're partners, we're a team. You're at work, I'm at home, so relax I got it.

 

As far as the friends, I do think that he's spending an excessive amount of time with his homies. Your post about the July 4th incident last year made me lose my appetite; that's terrible. How could you do your woman like that? Ask her to stay home so you can hang out with your buddy? No. That's not a good look.

[hers]

Yeah, he's gotten a lot better about his housework stuff. I'm really picky and controlling though so I still clean just b/c it's what I do, but I am able to thank him and let him know how much I appreciate that he's helping out around the house so much. It's definitely made things easier on me.

 

The 4th of July thing, yeah that hurt me so much. We'd just moved in together and gotten engaged, and we had had a nice day at the fireworks and then he pulled that. I actually left while he was at the bar and stayed somewhere else. He sure as hell hasn't pulled that since and now makes it a point to include me more, but his friend time is still in excess.

 

I recently put a boundary down about having friends over. I have no problem having people over to our house but I don't want anyone at the house after I get home from work. I came home and Dave was here...I like Dave a lot but when I gfet home, the last thing i want to do is entertain someone or be social...I need time to just chill out. My husband knows this now and it wasn't a conflict we went through with it.

[diamond78]

Thanks. I understand what you mean and I agree with you. On 4th of July last year, he hurt my feelings so badly by doing that. This is exactly how it went:

Him: Why don't you, me, and Dave go to [pub in town] together after the fireworks?

Me: Ok, that sounds great.

LITERALLY 5 minutes later:

Him: Actually, I just want to hang out with Dave. Do you mind staying home?

 

Even Dave said that was messed up that he did that.

 

Just to give an example of how it's alway sbeen

 

Oh hellllll no! That is some rude and hurtful behavior right there!

 

What is he doing with his friends that is so great?? I mean 5 days?? I don't know any man that wants to hang out with other men that much! lol

 

Your hubby is obviously bored and is trying to make up for it in other ways. If he's not working, then he needs to find other productive ways to spend his time. Maybe even volunteering?

In any case, if he isn't working, then he should have no issue with dedicating 2-3 nights for couple time.

[hers]

Diamond, I don't know what they do at the comic book shop other than play games and talk and stuff, but I would think that'd get old. But it's not about if it'd get old to me; it clearly doesn't get old to him. But the basic thing is that he just "likes spending time with friends." I get that, I really do, b/c i love my friends and love spending time with them too. But they're not my whole life and that's why I love them!

[rocio]

Whether you want to call it "expressing your feelings" or trying to dictate, I still think you are getting nowhere. Maybe switch strategies since this one isn't working.

[hers]

Whether you want to call it "expressing your feelings" or trying to dictate, I still think you are getting nowhere. Maybe switch strategies since this one isn't working.

 

I HAVE switched strategies. I've tried compromise. I've tried negotiating. I've tried asking nicely. I've tried ignoring it, thinking maybe it's just my problem. I've gotten nowhere.

 

I don't understand why you're saying "expressing my feelings" is the same as dictating. And thanks for offering me a different strategy to try.

[Stay_home]

I HAVE switched strategies. I've tried compromise. I've tried negotiating. I've tried asking nicely. I've tried ignoring it, thinking maybe it's just my problem. I've gotten nowhere.

 

I don't understand why you're saying "expressing my feelings" is the same as dictating. And thanks for offering me a different strategy to try.

 

What about counseling?

[hers]

We went through marriage counseling after we got married for another issue but neither of us wanted to stick it out...we didn't care for it at all. Now we just have no money!

[greywolf]

Hers, is he looking for a job? I don't know the circumstances around his unemployment, but it seems spending that much time with friends would interfere with his job search, as well.

[hers]

I do want to make one thing clear here: This is not a major conflict, as in one that's tearing us apart or making either one of us bitter. We talk about a lot of things, including expectations of each other and such. But sometimes this one gets to me more than other things, even though it's still not one that's tearing us apart. He's not defensive and I'm not accusatory or demanding. But I still feel like we have no closure on the situation.