Boyfriend not over ex

[kmc91]

So I guess I am in a situation that leaves me with a weird feeling inside.

When my boyfriend and I first started dating, he told me he still isn't over his ex, that he thought he was, but really wasn't and needed more time to get over her.

Throughout our relationship, he has been very cryptic about the details of his past relationship. However, when I was sitting with him one day a couple months ago, he got an email from her, and he broke out into tears, when I asked what was wrong he said his ex was breaking off all contact with him.

He went into a little bit more detail, saying it was the most powerful relationship he has ever been in, that the were "kindred spirits", and that relationship was supposed to be his last. That's all he told me.

Months have gone by now, and a couple of weeks ago, he told me he wanted to talk to me about his ex.

He went into a little bit more detail, saying that he has never deleted a single word they wrote to each other, most of their relationship was perfect, and that most of their communication was via internet. He also said he got treated like s*** The thing that most upset me was that he said he "never experienced a love like this, and will spend his life searching for that same connection". He told me he doesn't want me to feel second rate, and below her, but when he's posting facebook statuses about how he misses her, it makes me feel a bit ill. But when I brought it up to him, he just said he misses their friendship and I have nothing to worry about. He also told me she is someone that he will never be totally over.

So last night when I got home from work, he told me he saw her that day at the store, but didn't talk to her or anything. Then told me she was married, and still is. I still don't know how I feel about the fact he was seeing a married woman.

 

We do love each other, but part of me just wants to give up and leave sometimes, because I don't know if we'll ever share that same connection, though due to hectic lives we haven't really had that chance to try and truly connect, so a big part of me wants to stay, have hope, and be patient, because we do have great chemistry. I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with all of this, this is exactly what I didn't want to have to deal with in my relationship, but I'm trying hard to understand his point of view, listen to him, and have faith.

I suppose I am just confused and looking to get my thoughts out in writing for others to read and share their opinions. It does feel good to get this all off my chest though!

[FrenchFries]

I guess I don't understand why he is dating you when his heart is still with her. OR why you have continued the relationship with someone who clearly isn't fully there. His body is with you, but his heart is still with her. I'm not sure what quality of relationship you are going to get from someone like that. At least he has been honest, but perhaps you should consider moving on.

[michelle21689]

I sort of sounded like your boyfriend and his situation...only difference is that I'm accepting it and moving on with my life. My ex has a new gf now and stopped talking to me. I know he isn't right for me but I thought we could be friends since I care for him. His gf is really jealous and he stopped talking to me and said he didn't want to cut ties with me but now isn't a good time to keep in touch. That pissed me off. It stung but I'm kinda over it now.

 

I just say give your bf time and be there for him. Hopefully over time he gets over it. I was with my ex for 5 years and I still have moments where I think about him but I'm realizing that who I'm with now is the best for me and he makes my life so much better. My feelings for my ex was very strong because I would've done anything fo rhim..it takes a while for feelings to go away. I'm hoping to reach a point where I can be happy for my ex when I see him with another person.

[FrenchFries]

He went into a little bit more detail, saying that he has never deleted a single word they wrote to each other, most of their relationship was perfect, and that most of their communication was via internet. He also said he got treated like s*** The thing that most upset me was that he said he "never experienced a love like this, and will spend his life searching for that same connection". He told me he doesn't want me to feel second rate, and below her, but when he's posting facebook statuses about how he misses her, it makes me feel a bit ill. But when I brought it up to him, he just said he misses their friendship and I have nothing to worry about. He also told me she is someone that he will never be totally over.

 

You really deserve better than this. Let him go to tend to his issues. Is he still choosing porn over you as well? I think you will end up finding yourself in pretty bad shape emotionally if you continue to be with this man. Sounds like the only person he should be seeing is a counselor. Very unhealthy behavior.

[DN]

I don't think your boyfriend should be in a relationship with you when he clearly still loves her, he is using you as some sort of band-aid. You should move on.

[Moontiger]

Why are settling for this? He has made it very clear that you (everyone for that matter) will never live up to his ex. There is someone out there who will treat you like their #1 not their #2.

 

You have to really HEAR what he is saying and the choose what you want to do.

[Tanzi]

If someone I was emotionally involved with had said ANY of those things I would have ended the relationship immediately. He cannot possibly love you and still feel this strongly about his ex.

 

Bottom line ... if his ex wanted him back (regardless of whether he can really be with her) he would drop you like a lead balloon. He is only with you because he can't have her. Why settle for being someone's second choice when you can be someone's first choice, someone who will appreciate you for who you are who isn't using you just to fill a void. It's true that he is at least being honest but it was wrong of him to get involved with you in the first place. It isn't you he really wants ... don't accept anything less than what you deserve .... and you deserve much, much more than this.

[Eocsor]

You're a rebound. He's still emotionally wounded and he's using you to try and make hinself feel better. You will always be second fiddle to the memory of his ex. If you are OK with that, thats one thing, but if not it's time to cut the ties with him because this won't change. Youaren't the one that will replace her in his heart.

[superfox]

I was dumped by my first love and it took years to get over it, I had a LTR a year after but my heart was never fully in it. I didn't love him but thought I could, I know he loved me and I believed that I'd lost my only chance of having a soulmate. I tried but I just was never fully there for him. It didn't end well.

 

I would move on, you deserve someone for yourself and you will be fully loved one day. More than you thought possible x

[MaryJane2011]

He's definitely not ready to have a new relationship.

 

If his old relationship was so perfect, why did they split? I think that's an important point, based on my experience. He's never gonna get over her if he's the one who did not want to split but was dumped.

[Tanzi]

He's definitely not ready to have a new relationship.

 

If his old relationship was so perfect, why did they split? I think that's an important point, based on my experience. He's never gonna get over her if he's the one who did not want to split but was dumped.

 

 

That's not entirely true. We do have the capabilities of moving on eventually. How long depends on each individual and how we help ourselves.

 

And his ex was actually married so presumably that played a part in the relationship ending. Maybe she was just looking for any affair and he or they became too heavily involved. It sounds like it was one of those situations that could never be ... maybe that intendified his feelings for her .... a case of wanting what you can't have.

[abitbroken]

while it is concerning me that he is not over her, its more concerning that he is so public about it. He has got to be pretty dim thinking that it won't get back to you. It is not working for you either way, but being so public makes you look foolish for being with him to others.

[lavenderdove]

Meh, dump this guy like a hot rock... he is only interested in 'unavailable' women and loves the idea of yearning over a fantasy woman... how 'perfect' could their relationship be if she was married to someone else??

 

And aren't you 100% sure that if she left her husband and called up your BF and said she wanted to be with him, he'd dump you like a hot rock? I am sure of that based on the things he's told you. You're the 'consolation prize' since he can't have her, and if he does meet another woman who sparks him the way that woman did, he'd also dump you. He's made it very clear he doesn't feel that spark for you, so quit be his shoulder to cry on and find yourself someone who is crazy about you rather than nursing some foolish and silly guy's broken heart.

[MaryJane2011]

Meh, dump this guy like a hot rock... he is only interested in 'unavailable' women and loves the idea of yearning over a fantasy woman... how 'perfect' could their relationship be if she was married to someone else??

 

Exactly what I'am gonna say.

[kmc91]

Thank you everybody for your replies.

I am not ready to end the relationship, as I have put a lot into it to make it work, and I will fight to keep us going until I know it's time to give up. We do have our problems, but he is the most caring and honest person I have ever dated, and he has helped me in many ways.

The problem is, he tells me he doesn't want me to feel 2nd, and that I am the one he loves.

Their relationship ended 2 months before we started seeing each other, and had I known from the very beginning that all this baggage and holding onto the past was an issue, we would not be together right now.

 

He has been meaning to write a "final letter" to her for months to tie up loose ends, but hasn't because he hasn't had the time, not because he is trying to delay the process.

I appreciate him wanting to share these details with me, but I almost just don't want to know any more about this so-called amazing person and his "kindred spirit" who changed his life, because it just makes me feel worse about our relationship, but I also want to listen to him and hear him out.

This is a situation that is on my mind all day, and I know at some point when the time is right I need to talk to him about how I feel, but I appreciate you all reading what I have to say, it helps me get my thoughts straight.

[superfox]

I admire you but you're almost like his therapist instead of his girlfriend. Your relationship, emotionally, is all take take take by him. You're getting nothing concrete from this. Final letter? What for? It's over. I'm sure he is the nicest and kindest man In the world but he is draining you. I'd like to suggest you grow a pair and write him a final letter laying out how you will not be reminded of how wonderful this (cheating, homewrecking and not having the guts to leave her husband) woman is. If that's his idea of a kindred spirit then let him get on with it. He is no way over her and is giving you crumbs even though you are in a relationship with him. Don't ever be anyone's worthless second choice in life, fact, you will NEVER reach the giddy heights he has put her at. Sorry x

[Huntress0527]

I would have no respect for a guy that made it known that he was pining for a woman that he helped her engage in an affair with.

 

Time to see that you're worth more than what you're getting and cut this guy loose.

[abitbroken]

What kind of "work" have you done? getting yourself convinced to put up with it? The right number of phone calls?

 

A relationship is not like a building project. It doesn't matter how much "work" you have put into it, but how things are going. If despite the work things are going bad, then its time to say goodbye. A young relationship shouldn't be "work" beyond juggling schedules.

 

I think its very clear that his relationship with her has not really ended in his heart. I would honestly not stick around for him to decide what to do. Because he knows that you will stay and he doens't need to really finish things with her because you are putting up with it! If you 'hear him out" he can just make up anything you want to hear. You can tell him that it hurts that he is posting everywhere that he wants her back, etc, while he is with you, and ask if he really is not over her. The most it will do is to get him to limit his postings, but won't stop him from feeling.

 

If you leave, he is finally going to be motivated, or he may just switch his pining/"not over someone" to you. I dated a guy who talked about this wonderful perfect angel he dated, etc. and I finally had enough. Well, wouldn't you know it after we were over he was mad at me a long time and then talked to the next one about me and how perfect our relationship was, and then on to the next.

 

You deserve someone who loves you and only you and he is not the one that is doing it. It will be a life of not feeling like you measure up. How does it feel when your boyfriend talks about another woman who was "amazing" unforgettable and "the one" while he is laying next to you? Rotten. Actually, what you are doing is like him cheating with a married woman - you are with a man whose heart does not belong to you and is not inclined to "leave" the other person even if he is only with her in his mind

[superfox]

I'd like to add that if she ever leaves her husband, you'll be dumped without a second thought.

[Tanzi]

I think you have convinced yourself that there is something worth working for and sticking around for here but this guy has made it plainly obvious where his heart truly lies and I'm really not sure why this is good enough for you. It is your choice to make of course but he has said he will never find someone like her (or words to that effect), he has said she is his kindred spirit .... and more besides. However, when challenged, he has said he loves you and that you aren't second best ... I'm sorry but that really doesn't add up. What doesn't sit well with me either is his ease at telling you everything about her and how he feels about her. He shouldn't be involved with you, or anyone, anyway if he still feels this strongly about someone else and although we can argue that he is at least being honest it just doesn't fit the parallels of a normal relationship on ANY level. I know it is hard to say what is and what isn't normal but, honestly, this is just, well, plainly all wrong.

 

IMHO I think this guy is still so into his ex that he has to continuously purge himself of his feelings for her ... to you. He hasn't got to the point where he has even begun to get over her because he still feels the need to talk about her so much. If she rang him tomorrow and wanted to rekindle their romance what do you think he will do? My guess is you know the answer to that but are hanging on in the hope that, in time, his feelings for her will fade and then you will really be the one who holds the key to his heart. Its not a decision I would make and I do really hope that it works for you ... but as thing stand there really is a huge question mark over his true feelings for you.

[MaryJane2011]

He has been meaning to write a "final letter" to her for months to tie up loose ends, but hasn't because he hasn't had the time, not because he is trying to delay the process.

 

How can you tell? He always has time if he really wants to do something. And how do you know the "final letter" will not trigger more emotions for her, instead of tying up loose ends?

 

If you are determined to be with a mentally weak guy, make sure you are strong and stable enough for him to depend on.

[dezember]

kmc91, I totally hear you! Please tell him you have to separate for now and will only consider getting back together when he's seriously over his ex. I was stuck in the exact same situation for over a year, a classic rebound. It started off with great attraction and was simply wonderful the first two months. But - My ex never stayed committed to me because he still loved his ex, who treated him badly. Left me for her twice the moment she came back. Used me again after they were over for good, and left me for somebody else now because he was feeling too guilty treating me like * * * * all the time and can't have a relationship with me anymore. Although he still has feelings for me.

 

People like this will have feelings for you, but don't take them too seriously. They have issues of their own, usually insecurity and loneliness. Coming along with a fear to really open up to somebody. They will constantly compare you to their exes, and no matter how hard you try, you will never come up to their expectations. They idealise their exes too much. With you, they will only feel guilty in the end and bail out. So - while you still have the time, get the courage and be the first one to get out of this relationship. It's probably your only chance to make him realise what he's got with you... And if you ever want to get back together, he has to crawl on his knees to deserve it

[RastaPasta]

Everyone deserves to be with someone who want them and only them. It seems that you are just a warm body the fill the void he's feeling from not being with her. I think that you should move on before it gets harder for you to leave. Someone in his state should not be in a relationship right now and you deserve better.

[toby17]

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.

 

If you leave, he is finally going to be motivated, or he may just switch his pining/"not over someone" to you. I dated a guy who talked about this wonderful perfect angel he dated, etc. and I finally had enough. Well, wouldn't you know it after we were over he was mad at me a long time and then talked to the next one about me and how perfect our relationship was, and then on to the next.

 

I get that you're not ready to leave him.

 

But it's not okay for him to be talking to you about the fact that he's not over his ex. Because (1) he should be over her and (2) at the very least, he should talk to someone else about it.

 

But by you accepting it, you're telling him it's okay to be with me and pine over her. I'll stand by you.

 

And notice what your boyfriend has said:

 

they were "kindred spirits"... he "never experienced a love like this, and will spend his life searching for that same connection".

 

In other words, you two aren't kindred spirits. He doesn't have the same love for you, and he's not going to stop searching for that love. ie he's going to leave you eventually

 

As for the investment in the relationship... read link removed

[kmc91]

Well, we did end up talking about this issue. We were watching tv one morning earlier this week, and he started breathing heavily and when I asked him what was wrong, he reluctantly told me he was missing her over the holidays. I got upset, and he apologized. He told me he felt torn between his love for me and his love for somebody else, but he told me to stay by him and help him heal, then he left for work.

Later in the day he called me and I told him how I felt, how hurt I constantly feel over this situation, and i told him he has to do something about it, he has to take the time to get over it, because I can only stay this strong for so long before things will fall apart. I told him this was extremely unhealthy for both of us, and it can't stay this way for long. He's put me in a terrible situation, I feel like he's thrown on a lot of his burden without my consent.

I've come to the point where I'm tired of feeling inadequate, heartbroken, and I know he's not loving me with 100% of his heart. I'm tired of the monotony and stress of our day to day lives together, I want the romance and passion that I'm sure he felt for her and still does. I feel like he doesn't feel like he has to make the effort for all that stuff because I came into his life so easily and he knows I'm not going anywhere.

I'm still trying to give this relationship a chance, I'm not one to give up, especially with matters of the heart. But if this doesn't get resolved in a timely manner, I really can't stay in a relationship that gives me headaches everyday. Hopefully this will give him enough incentive to move on, and focus on our relationship. This just isn't fair to me, and I'm fed up with being overly sympathetic and understanding. I will only remain patient for so long. This is all on him, I just hope things work out.

I know most of you must think I'm a fool for staying, but I just don't feel it's time to give up yet. I just need some coping strategies to deal with the pain and sadness I feel over this. I wish I could afford a therapist