Kellbell22 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 My boyfriend and I had been together 4 1/2 years. We dated in high school and continued our relationship into college. Our colleges are 4 hours apart but our long distance relationship survived for a little over 2 years. Last Halloween, I went to visit him and we both met a girl named Jessie. A few weeks after I met her, she sent my boyfriend her phone number over facebook and I saw it and checked his phone for her number but he didn't put it in his phone so I didn't mention it to him. I didn't think about her anymore until about a month ago when I saw that one of his friends had been hanging around with her. I always got weird vibes from her but I didn't question him about her because I trusted him. I went down to visit again and she came over to his apartment for a party. I have always gotten strong gut feelings about things and I am never wrong about them! She was all to interested in being around me and I had absolutely no reason to feel this way, but I had a strong hateful feeling toward her. After I left, I couldn't shake my feeling about her so I began to question my boyfriend. After questioning him, he finally admitted that the weekend before I visited, she had come onto him at a party and they had sex. He said that he was extremely drunk and vunerable and that he didn't care about her at all. My boyfriend and I had only ever had sex with each other prior to this. He says that he loves me and will do anything not to lose me and now he is trying to transfer colleges to be with me. I know that he does love me but I feel so hurt and betrayed by what he did. I love him and I want to forgive him but I don't know if I am going to be able to ever trust him again. We are broken up right now but he is trying to transfer to my college to get our relationship back. I am so lost and I have no idea what to do about this situation!! HELP! Any and all advice would be greatly appreciated!! Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He said that he was extremely drunk and vunerable and that he didn't care about her at all. I'm just hoping that you don't give the "extremely drunk" excuse any consideration at all. That part of the story is old, overused and meaningless. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Only you know if you will ever trust him again. My thought -- once trust is broken, it is very hard to re-establish, and since it is the basis for a relationship, let alone a friendship.....I'd say the writing is on the wall. Link to comment
blueidealist24 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I'd cut him loose.. I mean, he had sex with another person and is trying to use being drunk as an excuse! Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I would let him go. You are still very young and there are plenty of nice guys out there that wont betray your trust. I personally in your situation would break up with him because I'm the type of person that thinks lifes too short to waste on someone who would do this to you. Link to comment
jsw Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Stay away from him. He is a jerk and does not care about you the way he should or the way you do. You are hurt and scared so you are thinking about sticking with him. Be brae and venture out. Also I have to say this kid is a little strange to move to another college just to be with someone. That is not the point of college. There are plenty of guys out there that would be willing to date you. Nice guys that don't lie, cheat, or make excuses. Link to comment
Kellbell22 Posted November 2, 2011 Author Share Posted November 2, 2011 The only reason that I am even considering it is because he is going to transfer schools. He LOVES his college. He used to come home about once a month and since I found out, he has been home every single weekend (about 5 weeks) now and that is a 3 1/2 hour drive one way. He lives with his best friends at school and he has NEVER missed a home football game. And now he is going to throw all of that away just to have me back. He has no friends here and he would have to live with random people. Its a huge step for him to take and thats why I am so torn.. Link to comment
mhowe Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Tell him not to transfer -- that you are very unsure about continuing to date him. This is a knee jerk reaction to you finding out about her. Notice he did not 'fess up ---if you hadn't questioned him, he never would have told you. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 How you handle this is a personal decision, but do keep in mind that once the trust is gone, it seldom comes back to 100%. It all boils down to how much you want to invest, and there are no guarantees. Link to comment
hodgeheg Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 My ex told me that cheating on me and the prospect of losing me had made him realise just how much I mean to him. He cried non-stop for a day and I forgave him. I don't think I ever really got over it, though I never spoke to him about it again. He broke up with me about a month ago, 3 months after he cheated. I'm not saying that him cheating eventually led to him leaving (he gave other reasons) but part of me does think that if he hadn't cheated then we'd still be together now because we were happy before then. Like you I got the "I was drunker than I've ever been" and we were also the only people each other had been with before this. It rotted our relationship and a huge part of me wishes that I had walked away as soon as he told me. Link to comment
DrKitten Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He never told you. You had to question him in order to find out. What does that tell you? He is only sorry he got caught. Link to comment
Day_Walker Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I think that you have to decide if you will be able to trust him again, if you can then it is up to you if you should trust him again. Personally, although alcohol does lower a persons inhibitions, I would move on. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Vulnerable? Why was he vulnerable? Also, can you really be sure that this has happened only once. Tell him not to transfer -- that you are very unsure about continuing to date him. This is a knee jerk reaction to you finding out about her. Notice he did not 'fess up ---if you hadn't questioned him, he never would have told you. I agree. I think you need to give this some more thought. Link to comment
Ariel85 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Great. So he can transfer to your college, and you can catch him in the act of cheating next time yourself. Or, have more people be able to tell you about it. Having him under your thumb isn't going to curtail his need to wander... Link to comment
ncoconut Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I was in a similar situation once. I had cheated on my boyfriend multiple times, felt that I loved and needed him more than anything, and moved hours away just to be with him. Somehow, he was able to forgive me, but I never changed. Right before I moved up there, I got really drunk and cheated on him again. That time, I didn't tell him. Our relationship was getting kind of bad, but I still wanted it more than anything. I sacrificed going to art school to a school without a good art program. I hated it there. Still, I tried and tried at our relationship. Soon, it ended and all of that was for nothing. A good learning experience however. So, what I'm saying is that I look a lot like him right now. I told my man the same things. I think I had just gotten used to the relationship and not being alone. I liked having someone who cared about me. I was convinced I would do anything for him, but then I started to see myself change. Now, I would NEVER ever think about being without my current boyfriend at a party or with alcohol. I haven't cheated on him and I wouldn't. I see now that I didn't take my prior relationship seriously and I didn't realize it until I left. he should never have gotten himself into that situation. He may say he wants this, but you don't know what is in his inner mind- he might not either. I think it is best to walk away. Cheating on someone isn't an accident. No matter how drunk you are. Drunken actions come from somewhere. Link to comment
Brownstone322 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Vulnerable? Why was he vulnerable? Also, can you really be sure that this has happened only once. I know ... since when were guys "vulnerable"? More like he wanted to get off and he didn't think he'd ever get caught. Link to comment
bulletproof Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Does he plan to quit drinking? Because if he's getting so drunk that he can't control what he does and who he hurts, then he shouldn't be drinking at all. That would be the only way I would possibly even consider taking him seriously, and even then, I probably wouldn't. Plus, I noticed he put the blame on her. He is not accepting responsibility at all- it's her fault for hitting on him, it's the fault of the alcohol, etc. Link to comment
midnightdeirdre Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 The "I was drunk" excuse seems to be used a lot. Drunk or not, he was aware of his surroundings and the temptation. If anything, being drunk releases inhibitions and makes people more daring to say/do things they wouldn't normally do. Dump him. Tell him not to bother transferring. Or, "Transfer if you want, I'm not stopping you. But don't expect me to be your girlfriend anymore." Link to comment
LaKings55 Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Just to point out. If he was so "drunk" as to not have complete control over himself, then he probably wouldn't have been able to have sex. We all know what effect booze generally has on a man's ability at a certain point. Not a good excuse at all. So, possible lie. Either way, he's gotta go Link to comment
OptomisticGirl Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 He's sorry he got caught. If he was truly remorseful he would have called you right after. Link to comment
FrenchFries Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I'd be concerned that he didn't fess up on his own. You had to "pry" it out of him. So...how many other times has something like this happened? I took back a cheater once. Biggest mistake of my life to date. He continued to to cheat...drunk, sober, whatever. I understand this is all fresh right now and you don't really know how to feel. You are trying to hang on to the one you love but you won't trust him anymore. It'll never be the same. Sorry. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 My boyfriend and I had been together 4 1/2 years. We dated in high school and continued our relationship into college. This is likely the problem, to be completely honest with you. High school relationship seem to deteriorate once college starts, as people experience a much larger pool of "fish" and get caught up in the party/drink hedonism that goes hand-in-hand with college. Link to comment
Kellbell22 Posted November 3, 2011 Author Share Posted November 3, 2011 Thanks so much everyone for your feedback! To respond to one post, yes he says that he thinks he cannot handle drinking and does not plan to drink anymore because he was out of control. I called him today and told him not to transfer because I am not sure if I want him back at all and he said that he wants to transfer anyways to escape the environment of his college so that he can become a better person in all aspects of his life. And that he will still be there if I change my mind.. Link to comment
Hollyj Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 Thanks so much everyone for your feedback! To respond to one post, yes he says that he thinks he cannot handle drinking and does not plan to drink anymore because he was out of control. I called him today and told him not to transfer because I am not sure if I want him back at all and he said that he wants to transfer anyways to escape the environment of his college so that he can become a better person in all aspects of his life. And that he will still be there if I change my mind.. I think this is the least of your problems (drinking). The guy used this as an excuse. If he had truly been regretful he would have come to you with the infidelity and would not have blamed the alcohol. I think we have a character issue here. Link to comment
ToF Posted November 3, 2011 Share Posted November 3, 2011 I seriously doubt that he is going to refrain from drinking OR from sleeping with other women while he is in this transfer process. I would bet that, unless you two start discussion reconciliation soon, he will drop the whole transferring idea altogether. Link to comment
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