Bigchief Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I have just looked back through my posts started by me since I joined in July 2010 and you know what, I am in the exact same situation only with a few more grey hairs and wrinkles.I love her and when we are together but this relationship has just caused me misery for the last year so I hope I have a solutions and that is moving in will help us. Not to bore you with my old posts here is a summary. She is 26 I am 33 btw Fell in love 2007 and had the happiest time of my life until 2010 Broke up July 2010 this left me heartbroken We got back Oct 2010 but I never really got back to the same level of trust Since December 2010 we have had a turbulent relationship We have never lived together We had rows a lot recently because I was angry at her for breaking my heart and didn’t want to open up again fully for fear of being smashed again Also the relationship isn’t the same now and I resent that, I miss the old romantic relationship we once had that we were both head over heels in love (for the first time both of us) I think she isn’t really feeling the relationship anymore and this is what makes me frustrated as she has been slowly breaking my heart my for the last few months, why do I think this? The sex is crap and infrequent, if I suggest a romantic getaway she would say no some friend “might” be back that w/e. I was away for a week one time and when I came back the reaction was as if she didn’t even miss me, oh and she broke up with me last July (I suppose that is the main one) So she blames me for the relationship being the way it is because “I cause fights and am angry sometimes”. I blame her because she’s a crap girlfriend (who I love and think is stunningly beautiful)who doesn’t appreciate me. Now if I was me a few years ago I would have said to myself now Dude, get rid of her and move on. But it’s so hard to do, I am miserable without her, sometimes she is miserable without me etc. She says we are best friends etc-which I don’t take as a compliment btw! She had difficulties getting a job and has gone back to law school (which they seem to have a party once a week) We broke up a few weeks ago (and we are back again) and I said fine on the break there was no holds barred and we didn’t have to be faithful etc. She kissed (just kissed) someone in her class which didn’t go down to well with me. We met up last night and had a lovely passionate evening just cuddled up together and had great sex! So I think the solution to our problems is to move in together, this would involve signing a 12 month lease (which I would pay for) I don’t care I think it’s worth it. When broke up a few weeks ago I posted that I was actually relieved but after a day or two I missed her so much it was killing me! Am I crazy, I really feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown here I can’t sleep I am acting erratically to name a few things. I would love to just get away but my job is seriously demanding 7 days a week, travel etc the two things are really taking their toll on me and I am having really negative thoughts- this making everything worse. I will be OK but has anyone been in this situation will moving in solve everything- or am I being a fool and going to burn myself even worse. My parents are very worried about me my friends are worried about me I am trying to keep it together but I am really falling apart. The only thing that makes me happy is her and if I lost her it would be so painful. Also my desperation is making me a lot less attractive than my usual confident self! So my plan is we move in together and hopefully everything will work out- does anyone have any experience of this being the case or am I beyond naive? She seems to be up for the idea BTW. BTW tried NC couldn’t do it (neither of us) Thansk so much for any advice in advance. Link to comment
camus154 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Is this really for real? You really think the solution to your problems is to move in together? You know what? I agree. Move in together. In the long run, it actually will solve your problems. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Yeah, moving in together will be the solution - because it will likely cause a break-up if the issues are not resolved. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 If you're unable to resolve your issues living apart, living together would be pointless, besides going backwards. It's time to face the facts, and be honest with yourself. I'm sorry you're in this situation, but avoiding the truth will bring you down even further. If you can make up your mind to go the "NC" route, she'll either step up to the plate, or she'll walk. Either way, it's pay me now, or pay me later...so to speak. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Sharing physical space doesn't have anything to do with emotional closeness/intimacy (meaning the financial/legal aspects -sharing time together every day can improve emotional intimacy but has nothing to do with whether you each reside in your own homes). What will likely happen is you will resent that you're footing the bill as she acts more and more distant and finds reasons to be away from home and she will feel less respect for you because of your desperation. I think living together is a great idea when people are married, have committed to each other already, long term, without using the living together as a test drive to see if they should marry, or when the marriage is imminent -a few months later -and it's financially foolish to have separate residences. JMHO. Link to comment
Lithp Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Do what you feel you need to, but I think deep down you know this is a bad idea, hence why you have made this thread. You know your relationship needs a lot of work, and living with someone is a pretty big step - that's when EVERYTHING comes out. True colours, weird habits you never wanted to know about, a whole new person is going to emerge here and if your relationship isn't stable enough to deal with each other when you're not living together, I don't think being in each other's faces all the time is going to help that. It's going to make all the little quirks that would otherwise seem cutesy nearly unbearable because there is already resentment on both sides that's been built up and not dealt with. Just a bad idea all around and definitely not the solution to the issues that you are looking for. I would really give this a good think because if you guys run into problems it is going to make them that much more complicated should one of you need space, or in the event that you break up, the moving out process won't make things any easier on you. Sort everything out first and get your relationship in a more stable position before you take things to the next level. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Moving in together when the relationship is already a disaster. I like that kind of thinking outside the box. It's a bold move. Go for it. Link to comment
Angler Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Moving in together only serves to amplify, not remedy, existing issues. Link to comment
Bigchief Posted November 1, 2011 Author Share Posted November 1, 2011 Thanks for the advice guys I think you have answered my question- Moving in isn’t the answer its just going to be a disaster. I just had to hear someone else say it I can’t think straight at all. What I am going to suggest is going on a month break NC (will really try) and see what happens. I am not hopeful and to say it’s going to break my heart is an understatement. I think you can see the desperation in my logic. I can assure you I am normally good at strategy- and this reeks! I also got the name of the guy she “just kissed” and checked him out on FB so I am particularly raw right now! This is the long goodbye, I will pray and gym and work and try and love again someday but this will definitely be a long dark period of my life. The love is gone and its destroying me. I’ve been through death in the family etc and I must say this is 100 times worse! Why is life so tough? I really appreciate your advice its really nice to know someone cares enough to write a reply- cheers. I hope someday I can be a strong person on this site and help someone else going through this same situation. Link to comment
Mellie Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Just don't get signed into anything you can't easily get out of afterwards. Speaking from experience, didn't work in my case. Don't get me wrong, it was good to begin with, but after the sparkle wore off... Nah. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 I think if you want to be with this girl, you need to learn how to forgive her. Anything less is doomsday. Link to comment
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