The torture that is no contact

[notopposed]

So I'm at about 7 weeks since the breakup (about 1 month NC) and I'm basically sitting on my hands trying not to call my ex. These forums help incredibly as I'm able to search through other peoples mistakes.

 

I realize that if I break no contact and call:

1) There's probably a 95+% chance of not getting the response I'm looking for.

2) I give up the balance of power that I would get if she contacted me first.

 

Whats killing me is that I don't see her reaching out to contact me any time soon, if at all. Most of the 'getting your ex back' books do recommend some sort of contact happen in the 1-2 month NC period to break the ice and set up an innocent meeting. I haven't seen this approach work for anyone on this website except people who got broken up with because they weren't putting enough effort into the relationship.

 

I know that if I called my ex girlfriend she would answer or respond. I'm just not sure she'd say what I want to hear.

 

Using No contact to move on while you still have strong feelings for your ex is like... trying to drive a car but having one eye focused on the rear view mirror. I'm trying my best to move forward... but I still love my ex girlfriend. I still think about her daily. Weekends are much worse than weekdays.

 

For those who have gotten ex'es back using NC... how did you keep it up? For those who got ex'es back with LC after a period of NC - how long did you wait to break the ice?

[Tomuch2hope]

Fill your days my man..... Fill your days.

 

Thats why everyone says, go to the gym or get a hobby or something. I read a book about about a guy who was taken hostage and I see NC as just that.

 

There is nothing you can do about your situation, so you must find the best way to deal with it.

 

What this guy did, was never give up the hope of coming out the other side, and always planning on what he would do once that happens. He kept himself fit by exerice, mentally sharp by doing his times tables etc.

 

The point is, he didn't just mope around.

 

Plus, when you do nothing all day your not tired, which means you'll have a hard time sleeping.

[Mesemene]

I swear, the first time I realized NC was the way to go, you'd have thought I went from being a rational being to someone with severe OCD. I checked my answering machine constantly to make sure it was working. I eyed the phone like I would a pot waiting for water to boil. I munched on crap food between classes and work because I didn't have the willpower to make anything healthy. When I went out with friends initially, I drank, fake smiled, and inside I moped and wept. I drove past his house to see if his car was home, for pity's sake... and parked on a service road above his apartment parking lot to see if he'd come out just so I could see him. In short, I did EVERYTHING I shouldn't have done, and everything guaran-damn-teed to make my life completely miserable. (Not to mention, I was incredibly pathetic, even after going NC.) The only upside was he didn't know how pathetic I was this time - unlike the three weeks I spent begging and pleading for another chance.

 

At some point, I decided I might as well kick his butt grade-wise (I was taking night classes in college) and accepted a ton of overtime. I started going to the gym after work to get rid of some of the anger when it started appearing. And I realized somewhere along the line - I didn't feel so miserable anymore. I wasn't back to normal by any means, but I didn't feel like that mopey weepy wreck I had in the beginning, either.

 

And when he started appearing at all my hangouts - I didn't want him anymore. Oh sure, I was still intensely attracted. I still ADORED him. But I didn't want to get back into the cycle of hot/cold again - I actually liked how *I* was turning out, after all - and I didn't want to ditch all the progress I'd made and all the work I'd done on myself to be miserable again.

 

I was able to decide I didn't want the relationship again LONG before I got past wanting him - and got my self respect back somewhere along the way. It was a VERY painful lesson to learn, but it's stuck with me, and made the trip through my second breakup and NC with that easier. Not easy - just easier, because I KNEW this time, that hard or not, there WAS an end to the misery, and I WOULD be a whole person again with time and work.

 

You will get there. I don't know if any of this helps or not - but you WILL get there, and how hard, how long it feels, depends entirely on you. Don't do what I did and make an already hard situation harder.

[diarmuidz]

I hear you notopposed. I'm in the same situation - my girl broke up with me, and while I am trying to move on, I still desperately love her and want to be with her again.

 

I don't know of any thing you can do or say that will bring her back, but what you must absolutely stick to is NC. let her reach out to you - otherwise it won't go the way you'd hope....

 

Focus on you. I know it's hard. I KNOW!!!! I'm going through it now myself... but that's all you can do. Just focus on you. Exercise, study, work, make money, spend time with family and friends, go meet girls, travel, read, start a hobby, play a sport....

 

NC is tough - I don't see my ex reaching out to me anytime soon either... but trust me, you reaching out now will only make things worse.

[krackie]

notopposed, i went through this few months ago. And i know how it feels like. Going NC and praying, hoping your ex will come back. All i can say is, you need to stop all that. Truth is, there's nothing that we can do to make sure she comes back. Simply because we can't say what the future holds. But sure enough what we can do is, make full use of the present. My suggestion is, keep doing NC, and at the same time, focus on your own life, every aspect of it. Start going to the gym (if u havent), and keep focusing on improving yourself to be a better person that who you are already. Now is your chance to spend some time getting to know yourself, and doing things that actually makes YOU happy. It is hard, no doubt, but you have to face it. I managed to get through it, and to be honest, I'm really happy now. And NC really works, let me cheer you up a lil, you keep NC, and improve yourself, and once you managed to overcome it, i'll let you in on a secret about getting your ex.

[Jim Wormold]

Notopposed - I know exactly how you feel this very minute. Broke five weeks of NC last Thursday to try call her up (which failed)

and have been a wreck since. This morning my phone rang and it had the same effect as yesterday from the same market research

company - my heart jumped. Jeez, this time I made it very clear that that pushy saleperson should really not call me again!!

 

Right now I am trying to edit a long video documentation of an art project I did. I have put it off for ages - every edit is torture because

this all reminds me how she was always there to encourage me throughout that work and even sent me a card of congrats

when I finished the project. So it's like I am going through that phase of my life with all these details with her (via skype) reappearing.

 

That same card I found by chance this morning as I was organising some papers. That I could bungle something so precious up...!!

 

So imagine trying to "keep myself busy" with that!

 

I definitely need to read more recon success stories to keep me going.

[notopposed]

Hey Jim. Out of curiosity what do you mean by breaking no contact after 5 weeks and having it fail? Do you mean she answered you but wasn't interested? Did she not pick up your call?

 

What would you think if your ex responds to you but gives no hint at missing you? Responding out of guilt or trying to friend zone?

 

I just broke no contact today with a quick exchange of messages. I asked her if we could catch up sometime and she said she'd call me this weekend. There was no hint in any of her messages that she missed me or was excited to hear from me. I'm curious as to why she responds to me at all other than feeling the obligation after a 2 year relationship.

 

If she talks to me again I'm just going to act confident and try to set short plans up for Thanksgiving.

 

I guess I realized that I'm not strong enough for no contact. Even if this means me finalizing my chances with her... I'd rather get it over with now then be in the perpetual state of limbo some people wind up in. Based on her initial response I'm anticipating I'm not going to hear what I want to hear. I'll keep you guys posted.

[antigen]

Whats killing me is that I don't see her reaching out to contact me any time soon, if at all.

 

If you're that sure she wouldn't contact you first, then she's not interested.

[dabears23]

notopposed my girl of 3 years broke up with me a little over a month ago.. that first week was a wreck, I tried getting her back until she got annoyed with me and told me we shouldn't talk.. a week went by and i didn't contact her.. then she contacted me just asking how i was doing and all of that

 

recently we're pretty much chatting on a daily basis but she has feelings for another guy.. since the BU I've been getting life better for myself.. I've been losing weight and eating healthy and just focusing on my school work.. i feel great.. the BU kinda helped me in a way because if she didn't BU with me, I probably wouldn't be doing what I'm doing now

 

I want to start my life over and I let her know that's the path I'm willing to take.. I asked her a few nights ago if she would be willing to start a new life with me.. she told me she still has feelings for me and that she'll always love me but she just wants to see what else there is out in the world and it hurts her that I feel upset sometimes.

 

I'm not sure how your ex feels about you.. how long were you guys dating before the BU? try doing things that'll make u feel better about urself.. it's our ex's faults that they don't want to be with us.. it really is.. don't beat urself up about it cuz it's not worth it.. I don't see a problem breaking no contact.. just make sure ur ready for an answer or situation you don't want to hear or know about.. keep the convo simple, tell her ur doing pretty good if she asks, but only if you are doing better

 

I'm sure you'll make the right choice.. I feel good talking to my ex everyday.. In some ways it makes me feel that we will someday get back together but I'm not completely banking on it.. who knows, if she sees that I really have changed from our previous relationship, it could be stronger the second time around.. those are just thoughts i have tho

[Jim Wormold]

Hey there,

 

Well, her phone rang, I left a message saying something to the effect of hope she is fine and lets catch up sometime. That was that.

I didn't ask her to call me, but left that up to her. Never got a call. It was an ill-considered move on my part, but we all have our moments I guess.

 

As of 26 October, my BU is two months behind me. This evening, just reading some of the posts here, something clicked

for me. Getting stronger and definitely not calling her again.

 

It was originally always her move anyway. You see, I have that added bit of flavour to my situation - she suggested

pretty much in the first week of BU to try again sometime but "no promises". Much later I found a whole thread on this site about

how that is a common strategy for dumpers to make themselves and the dumpees feel better. So, essentially a comfort trick.

 

She also said she would contact me to meet up eventually. Whatever she said, I do respect her need now to figure herself out

and will leave her alone.

 

I also know that whatever she said back then may not be worth taking seriously. I don't hold that against her either as

these are extreme situations and I probably would have reacted to it differently in retrospect now too.

 

I am starting to relax about all this, very slowly. Realising that for the most part I have been my worst enemy. Time to put up

those feet and do more reading instead of playing up to these mind games. My sanity needs it and I deserve it (and some sleep).

 

Sorry that I cannot answer your questions exactly, but only show perspectives to my own situation. I don't feel experienced enough

yet to take on the responsibility of advice, unless it is something small or relevant to my context.

 

As regards the whole issue of limbo and getting over someone (even though you want them back). Yes, this plays on my mind a lot too.

I don't truly understand it other than feeling a deep sense of melancholy (and even moments of panic) that things may not happen because a) I really do end up getting over her b) timing is wrong - she leaves the chance to make contact so long that I end up in a new relationship.

 

I am realising the importance of seeking personal growth as well as strength in character - just for myself and now one else

...that it may or may not impress her is now by the by. Certain issues need to be worked on.

 

Take from that what you can...

[ChellyV]

i was 3 months NC before contact was made.

in those three months i reinveted myself, and most of those you can read through here in ENA.

 

keep yourself busy, i know it is easier said than done but you can make it happen. one day you will just wake up feeling so released and ready to make contact.

[notopposed]

I'm not sure whats better: having the ex not answer, answer but with no signs of leading you on, or answer and say leave me alone.

 

My ex answered my messages but was very nonchalant. At the end I asked her if we could catch up over skype sometime (LDR). She told me that she will reach out to me this weekend. We'll see if she follows through on that.

 

I feel like I've cornered myself and I now see why people preach no contact on this website. Messaging someone who doesn't miss you is like talking to a wall.

[octour]

I am almost 3 months post BU and 1 full month of NC. My crazy ex left me for someone else, completely lied and denied it for the next 2 months. At just under the 2 month point of our BU, she married the guy. We were together for 3.5 years. She didn't even know him for 2.5 MONTHS. Absolutely nuts. I deleted her number, threw out everything she gave me, deleted all photos of her etc. There isn't a trace of her that reminds me of her. I recommend you do this. Mine is a very different situation than yours, but one of the things that helped me the most was getting rid of everything that reminded me of her and I started exercising. I couldn't possibly think of getting back with my ex after her so called 'marriage' explodes in her face, and I'm pretty sure it will. But once I found out she did that I completely changed my attitude and stopped moping around. I had no idea of this guy and was trying to get her back. Think of it this way, she left you how you were. You are even worse now than you were. Why would she come back? Dust yourself off and get you back. Get more than you back. Be the man! Make her want you and make her eat her heart out! If you are to get her back, she will need to SEE change for the better, not hear about it from you.

[raton44]

I almost wish I knew if my ex was seeing someone. Because if I did...it'd make it SO MUCH easier to move on!

[notopposed]

Yeah after re-reading my conversation it almost sounds like I was talking to someone else. The wording of the responses didn't match the way my ex used to talk. I'm almost wondering if someone was with her - guy friend or girl friend and they had a laugh about talking to me. I guess I'll find out with time... ugh

[mecastillo1987]

You're not alone notopposed...

 

My boyfriend broke up with me more than a month ago, and it's been hell. I acknowledge that the reason for the BU was my fault, and I did just about EVERYTHING to win him back. I spent the first 2-3 weeks looking like a crazy psycho ex-girlfriend. I text-terrorized him for the first evening, I went to his place and personally pleaded, begged, cried for a second chances. I even dropped a gift off during his birthday even though I knew he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He said he needed "Space" and "Time", but after a while... I'm starting to think it's just a polite let-down.

 

I suppose the reason why I did all this was because the GUILT was eating me up. Friends would tell me 'Enough!' but I wouldn't listen. I felt the need to constantly say sorry and make him feel loved even if we were no longer together. I just couldn't give up...

 

But I've been on NC for about 22 days now... and the urge to contact him has been VERY SLOWLY disappearing. I always think to myself, how would I feel if I contact him and he doesn't reply? It's like ripping out a band-aid, and your wound is all fresh again. I experienced this 3 days ago when I stumbled upon tagged pictures of him on Facebook looking so happy. It's not 'direct' contact, but it was contact nonetheless -- and I ended up crying in my room for hours and hours.

 

I know now the importance of healing first. I plan to initiate contact by December (after 3 months), but FIRST - I need to heal.

 

Like everyone on this forum also says, time is your best friend. Use it to your advantage, even if I know it would require herculean strength.

[deeplongbreath]

Since it was getting harder and harder for me, not easier at all, as the days/weeks/months rolled by, I just broke NC (on the 22nd day).

 

I'm so glad I did

 

First of all, I felt better instantly after texting him, "relieved" is the most accurate word to describe the feeling, like I was finally free to be myself. It was just a funny thing I wanted to tell him, nothing like "I need to talk about the breakup" or "I want you back", and of course no questions asked (not even "how are you?").

 

Secondly, he replied 30 minutes later, which is great from my point of view because he had been giving me the silence treatment for a while before I started NC. I know I'm going to sound ridiculous but there was a smiley in his text and it made me happy. LOL.

 

I have noticed something pretty unexpected today. My heart didn't even jump out of my chest when I heard his specific notification sound on my phone. I simply smiled... as if deep down I knew he would reply. Maybe because I suspected hearing from me would please him after 3 weeks of NC? Dunno.

[Tomuch2hope]

Good for you deeplongbreath... there are too few 'happy' storys on this board.

[SweetSeul]

deeplongbreath, what did you text him? Was it like an inside joke or something between the two of you?

[italiannmf24]

It's unfortunate that you've been placed in these circumstances, but using NC is soley for one's self, not the ex-partner that one seeks.

 

In order to fully take joy and pride in your life, you'll need to stay strong during these tough times and not give in. Waiting for someone that is not waiting for you is, quite literally, holding you back from leading any type of successfully happy life. Fundamental aspects of NC mean showing her that she DOES NOT control your life and that you CAN move on with or without her. I've seen men, about early 20s, having their ex of 2-3 years break up with them and ulitmately leave them. Yet, the courage I've seen shown in these men is the fact that, although their life has been changed due to this split, they're taking the time to really understand and work through their problems without their ex in contact. This is an extremely workable method once one has figured out that he or she is the true prize in the situation; not the other way around.

[deeplongbreath]

deeplongbreath, what did you text him? Was it like an inside joke or something between the two of you?

 

I texted "Just read an article about you" which, since I can't lie (and don't want to), was of course true. I had googled "GIGS"...... bahahahahaha

[raton44]

haha!What did he say? did you actually say it was about GIGS?

 

I texted "Just read an article about you" which, since I can't lie (and don't want to), was of course true. I had googled "GIGS"...... bahahahahaha

[Rockyr87]

I know exactly how you feel man. My ex and I broke up literally 2 months ago and I hadn't tried to contact her at all and she texts me out of the blue on Tuesday. It was a real casual conversation (mostly about school) and since she's in law school when she doesn't respond I never know if it's cause she is busy or if her texting me was a one time thing. I've been tempted to call her, but I'm afraid I also won't get the response I'm looking for. It's driving me nuts

[deeplongbreath]

haha!What did he say? did you actually say it was about GIGS?

 

He said "oh really which article? me running for president? but I didn't answer his question. Bringing the subject of GIGS now would not in my opinion be the best way to reconnect! lol

[raton44]

Thats what I thought too! I was like, Oh no she didn't! lol

 

He said "oh really which article? me running for president? but I didn't answer his question. Bringing the subject of GIGS now would not in my opinion be the best way to reconnect! lol