Cynder Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 A few months back my husband made a rule that I am not allowed (yea I know...) to have any friends over to our place. Now... I have this friend who is currently homeless. She's only been homeless for a few days now. She texted me earlier and asked if she could come over tomorrow evening and take a shower here. At first I didn't answer her back. But then I saw that a restaurant here is doing open interviews all day on Wednesday. So I texted her and told her about that. She said she is going to go there and apply. So, I think then if she's applying to a job on Wednesday, especially a restaurant job, she should take a shower here first. So, I came home and told my husband this. Now he's all pissed off at me. I told him I didn't tell her she could yet, but I think we should let her considering the circumstances. He won't hear any of it, and he's upset with me. Now, to touch on his side of the story... She did lose her job due to a failed random drug test. She broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago and he kicked her out of their place. So, his argument is that she did this to herself. So... what do you all think? I just was curious... do you all think he has a right to be mad. I'm just trying to help someone out. Link to comment
luminousone Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 Well, my first reaction was that your husband seems to be controlling and abusive to not "let" you have friends over. And you seem to be going along with it! However, I do have to say that while I had a foster niece staying with us, I did not let her have any friends over to our house for the safety of my children and hers... She was trying to stay clean and sober, and her "friends" were not safe around children. Her judgment of people was terrible! So, that was the rule and she stuck with it. (unfortunately she met up with them elsewhere at times, but at least she was sober when she had visitation with her son at my house...). Does your husband have reason to distrust your friends? Especially the one with the failed drug test? Maybe he is just trying to keep you and your things safe... I am glad you are trying to help your friend out however... Perhaps you could pay for one night for her at a hotel instead? Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 He has every right not to want homeless drug users into his home - I would feel the same way he does. She can shower at a shelter. Link to comment
hers Posted October 17, 2011 Share Posted October 17, 2011 what is his reason for not wanting friends of yours over? Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Well, at the moment we are in the process of seperating. I'm currently looking for my own apartment because I'm tired of him being so controlling. I know I didn't mention that in my post but I was trying to keep it simple. I'm not just "going along with" him wanting to control me though. It's not just her. I'm not allowed to have any friends in our apartment, even the ones who have never done a thing wrong in their lives. That's only one of his "rules" that I'm getting tired of. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 He has every right not to want homeless drug users into his home - I would feel the same way he does. She can shower at a shelter. It's my home too. I pay the rent. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 what is his reason for not wanting friends of yours over? He has a lot of reasons. He says he wants his privacy... etc. This all started because he was sent home from work early once and I had a few people over when he came home. He got all pissed off and threw a fit and *made* me kick everyone out. The thing that pisses me off the most about this is that I pay the rent. And there has been a fair amount of time in our marriage when I've worked two jobs where he didn't work at all. I just don't think he has the right to tell me what to do when I am the one that keeps a roof over our heads. I work 60 hours a week... I just think I'm entitled to have company over if I feel like it, you know? This situation is different though, I know that. If she is trying to find a job I think it's only right to let her take a shower here. IF she just wanted to shower here for the hell of it, then I wouldn't let her. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 My first thought is if this is something he can use against you in the divorce, ie, "Judge - she let a known homeless, drug abuser into our house against my wishes...." etc. I can see him spinning things in a bad way. As much as it sucks, given the total circumstances, I would probably not allow her to stay. it's hard too, because shelters are so full! maybe once you get your own apartment you can let her stay with you? Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 My first thought is if this is something he can use against you in the divorce, ie, "Judge - she let a known homeless, drug abuser into our house against my wishes...." etc. I can see him spinning things in a bad way. As much as it sucks, given the total circumstances, I would probably not allow her to stay. it's hard too, because shelters are so full! maybe once you get your own apartment you can let her stay with you? There's never been any talk of her staying with us. She just wanted to come over tomorrow and take a shower. But yea, he would spin it completely out of control. She's only been homeless a few days... She got caught at work with pot in her system. It's not like she's a methhead or a heroine addict. I know drugs are drugs, but I think there are varying degrees of drug users. He's just pissed at me for asking. It's not even like I "disobeyed" him. Link to comment
annie24 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 well, since you two are in a process of separation/divorce, things are going to be more tense anyway. I don't think that he will react in the most calm, collected way. Does she have a gym membership, or does she have access to a gym? There is a very cheap place to shower! Sometimes, YMCAs can have low day pass rates, maybe she can shower there and get ready for the interview? I don't know what to tell you - I hope she figures this out. It sounds like you are very kind and want to help out a person in need but the husband (soon to be ex) doesn't help matters. Probably better that you are divorcing him, if he is like this. Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 well, since you two are in a process of separation/divorce, things are going to be more tense anyway. I don't think that he will react in the most calm, collected way. Does she have a gym membership, or does she have access to a gym? There is a very cheap place to shower! Sometimes, YMCAs can have low day pass rates, maybe she can shower there and get ready for the interview? I don't know what to tell you - I hope she figures this out. It sounds like you are very kind and want to help out a person in need but the husband (soon to be ex) doesn't help matters. Probably better that you are divorcing him, if he is like this. The YMCA here does have low day pass rates... I know first hand because I used to work there. She doesn't have a gym membership, But I could suggest that to her. I didn't even think of that. Thanks. Link to comment
hers Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Does he have friends over? Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 Does he have friends over? Yep. Not as often as he used to though, because a lot of his friends have moved further away. But he still has people over. Link to comment
hers Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Then there's your riGht right there. I tend to do things to be spiteful though so I may not be much help but if he's putting a rule on you he's not following himself, then I say do it Link to comment
Alezia Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I'm just not sure it's worth the fight if you are going through a separation. I would bet things are really tense already, do you really need to add the additional shower drama? If you think you can sneak her in and out of the house quickly without him seeing it, then I'd probably do it anyways, but otherwise I would suggest she find another public place - ex: swimming pool, gym etc... that is very cheap. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I think when people are seperating, the home situation is way too volatile to allow unexpected guests. I know that you didn't tell her she could, only told him you might, but I think right now, under the circumstances, you need to only allow the two of you to be there to deal with your stuff. I do think when someone is separating, there could be a tendency for one spouse thinking the other is rallying firends to gang up on the other. And perhaps this is what he could also think. Link to comment
Mesemene Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 I agree with the majority - he's controlling, but since you're already in a very tense situation, it's bad timing to rock the boat. I'd lay low until you're outta there, just to avoid any more tension than is already in the home. If you're working long hours like that, the LAST thing you need is him haranguing you following you room to room to tell you how you "violated" his "rules" as you're trying to get some downtime after a 10+ hour workday. Could you and some friends maybe group together to pay a portion each of one of the "by the week" rentals so she'd have at least a week to job hunt with a decent bed and bath? Link to comment
Cynder Posted October 18, 2011 Author Share Posted October 18, 2011 I think when people are seperating, the home situation is way too volatile to allow unexpected guests. I know that you didn't tell her she could, only told him you might, but I think right now, under the circumstances, you need to only allow the two of you to be there to deal with your stuff. I do think when someone is separating, there could be a tendency for one spouse thinking the other is rallying firends to gang up on the other. And perhaps this is what he could also think. I didn't think about that... he could be thinking that. He has never liked any of my friends (except the one he cheated on me with, heh.) Link to comment
Galaxo Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 You pay rent, he has friends over, its your house too right now. Do what you want, if no kids are involved who cares how he spins it. Your leaving him because he is controlling... Controlling or trying to help someone get cleaned up to get a job, which is worse? Yup Link to comment
Longview01 Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 Now, to touch on his side of the story... She did lose her job due to a failed random drug test. She broke up with her boyfriend a few days ago and he kicked her out of their place. So, his argument is that she did this to herself. What a charming man he is He cheated on you and now he is telling who you can and can't have in your house, I would tell him to stuff it and do what I want Link to comment
pl3asehelp Posted October 18, 2011 Share Posted October 18, 2011 It's my home too. I pay the rent. Right, so obviously you two don't work and that's why you're separating. I wouldn't expect you're going to agree on much in the meantime. Link to comment
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