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Uni goings on else there will be a LOT of threads...


ButterflyWrists

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This pain I have is getting rediculous really hope my operation helps, not looking forward to it though, as I will be having to rely on my right ear to hear, which admitedly I do anyway, but it means my hearing is going to be even worse.I hope I don't have to take out my lip peircing for the op, cause that'll be a waste of £30 cause it will heal over.

Part of me is pretty sure the pain is psychological, which isn't good, cause if it is then my painkillers wont work. Grrr. Dunno what to do right now, just gotta trudge on I guess, feeling a lot calmer compared with yesterday, I can only do my best.

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Still feeling a little happier today than I have been, I find that actually, I can get the best revision done in the days leading upto the exams rather than the week before, I can also revise well a month before the exams strange but it is the way it is. Gotta keep calm, I'm going over my individual differences stuff this morning till about 10ish, then biologoical till 12ish then lunch then back to going over stuff. I have 10 pages of notes to read from my note taker for the biological exam, and I just need to look at intelligence then I am set I think

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Yesterday, I woke up in a good mood positive etc, the day ended around 12 hours after I woke up, with me barely having done any revision and feeling really down wanting to hurt myself feeling borderline suicidal, went to sleep around 8pm, feeling like crap, had nightmares, woke up at about 3am, feeling like crap still. Managed to finish revision by 4:30am, got another 2 hours sleep, still feeling like crap but I think I'm ready for my exams, well as ready as I'll ever be. This is all over at 11:30am, so in 4 hours... Wish me luck guys!

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So, I have an infection in my right ear, which hardly ever happens, and it blooming kills, more so than my left ear... Funfun, and I'm out all day today, gotta make a drs appt tomorrow hopefully can get more painkillers as I've ran out now

But its such a relief to not have revision or exams to be doing, I slept really well last night, which is good, although my rooms a tip need to tidy up. I've gained so much weight during revision period, I think most of it is water weight and period is due apparently, but its not came, I've had spotting on like one day and cramps but no period which is odd, my period comes no matter how stressed out I am, so I'll have to keep an eye on that. So sleepy, dunno why, prolly cause I slept well.

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Feeling really conflicted confused and down at the moment. Have some good news, but cant share it yet as it is pending, pretty sure anyone who has read through my journal can guess what it is though!

Been having the same 4 nightmares the last week or so; my ex housemates being and refusing to let anyone move in so I have to keep paying rent (pretty much what they've been doing anyway!); the night sam died and my reaction to it, I wish so much that I had succeeded then, but theres nothing I can do to change it, I think thats tied in with solsty, 20 (ish) days until shes been gone for a year ; I had an abusive boyfriend this time 7 years ago, and around this time 7 years ago I was recovering from an operation, which I am again having done next week, this situation is triggering memories of it; and finally, the classic fire nightmare, being stuck half way up the stairs the house burning, but a lovely sunny medow outside with butterflies and pretty flowers... Ugh I really do hate my life right now.

 

Home life isn't much better, mums boyfriend is moaning about my brother (I know I moan about him, but I do it on here not yelling about it at all hours), my mums been sort of helping me out, but she really gives in to my brothers every need/want pretty much, when we go shopping he puts stuff in the cart never bothers to offer any money, anything I want I have to pay for, really frustrating. She has helped me with paying my motorbike and insurance, although I'm having to pay her back for all that, my brother doesnt have to give mum a penny, he doesnt pay any rent or bills, half the time mum pays his phone bill and credit card. I have bills to pay and rent (I dont pay rent at my mums but I'm only here for a few weeks at a time really). I really don't know what to do, trying to pull myself out of this depression, but I'm being sucked deeper in. I've sort of developed some of the issues I had a few years ago again and thats gonna blow up in my face big time but I don't know how else to deal right now.

 

Anyway I shall update on the uni situation as soon as I know my results

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So... I think I may have a slight addiction to ibrophruphen... By slight I mean, I need to take it daily, although I don't, but it sometimes completelly numbs me which is so nice, I took my anti anxieties last night, was completelly numb, I feel numb atm, conflicted logically but emotionally I feel down/numb iunno I don't miss this feeling... I wish I had control of everything in my life but I don't

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I really wish I could stabalise my mood and feelings, going up and down like a yo yo is really not a fun experience all over again.. Trying to organise stuff for my research project atm and its so stressful as I've done poorly on the topic in previous essays. That is, so long as I've passed my resits. Then I've got all the books to buy at about £50 each give or take, 4 modules and I want two or three books per module, I'm hoping two of the modules can use the same books as the modules are pretty much the same.

 

I'm fed up of my nightmares, feeling like rubbish and not having control over anything in my light right now. Everything is in someone elses hands, having an operation, so my life and health is in the sergons hands, being able to get into my final year, is in the hands of the examining board, having the ex house mate situation is in the hands of my ex housemates, I have nothing under my control appart from food and exersize and both of which i am not doing what i should be, im either over eating or not eating, i feel sick and yet i stuff my face at points. I cant cope with all this. everyone says how well ive been doing and reminding me how far ive come. I get it, im in a much better place than I was even 4 years ago, but the issues I went through 6 years ago and as a child are not resolved, they've just been borded up until the next time I fall apart as I cant get the help I need. I really hate how my life is going right now, I've not got a clue whats happening I wish I could just stop for a few months and get my head together.

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Holy c.... How expensive do books want to be? Jeebers £50 for a book.... Damnit oh well gotta be done looks like I'ma be starving most of the first semester then! Uni starts back in around 3 weeks although I cant attend the first week D:

OK I can't keep it quite now xD but I've basically passed my resits ive been awarded the credit for the modules but I havent recieved my official results and wont get them until sometime next week

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So I have officially regestered for my final year at university crazy!! So excited about my final year, its going to be stressful but well worth it come the end! Really looking forward to getting started.

 

Recovering from my operation atm, its icky and leaky but I think its healing well. Gonna spend today in bed me thinks

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So do I victoria, well any years gonna be better than the year I've just had..

Managed to wash my hair today well sort of, I washed the bottom half feels so nasty having dirty hair, may go to hairdressers in a day or two and get them to wash it properly as I cant stand having a groggy/heavy head and it be unclean! feeling pretty good just want to be healed now! lol.

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Why is this girl so intent on trying to ruin my life? I really hate this, I hate her. She's started legal action against me for 'a malicious communication' what that communication is I haven't a clue, but its in relation to my phone. I haven't a damn clue what it is about. So yippy more damn stress for me right when am trying to heal from an operation and trying to sort out my research project and prepare for my final year at university. If I make it through this I will be so damn surprised.

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Still don't know what the complaints about, hope I find out soon emailed the officer and haven't heard back. i dont get why some people want to destroy others lives its pathetic.

 

Gotta do background research for my disertation today, pack to go full time back to uni tomorrow and start my lectures monday if I am not in too much pain

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wowkay!!! Uni starts tomorrow morning, 11.5 hours until I'm in my induction! (hopefully don't see my ex boyfriend..) and then my first lecture of the year!!!

It's come around so fast and I am so excited, but scared too! So much to do this week, and a lot to do tomorrow. I haven't gotten any further along with my research project idea yet hoping to see my supervisor tomorrow or at least this week so I can get that done and out of the way to start producing the beginings of it, that needs to be done by at latest for me, november 1st! ignoring all the thats been going on, well I'm sorting it in a way but ignoring it also in favor of university, besides uni is so much more important!

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OK decided against going in this morning for my induction going to do that next week, I'm in too much pain, I'm also not supposed to go to uni this week due to the operation, but I need to go to my lecture inductions so I'm going in, I can leave if the pain gets too much, weather is rubbish so that isn't going to help my ears have about a 30min walk up, hopefully it wont be raining as much when I leave. Ear feels icky! Also need to register with a different doctors asap need to get more painkillers...

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Hey Star hows you? Big hugs back! Ah just gotta keep on trudging along, stuck in the mud, able to pull through but it takes time eugh why cant life be easy?

 

First week at uni actually went pretty well, got most of my work done for next week, got a bit more to do today, I gotta do some reading, I'll probably finish the reading for tues and weds lectures on monday, as today I've gotta finish the reading for mondays lecture and finish my SAQ (short answer question) for a lecture on tuesday.

Went home to pick up my netbook, but it's not fixed yet so I spent a tenner for nothing, ah well my mum bought me some stuff I need like shower gel and a few foody things. She also part boiled me some potatoes so I can make roasties for dinner (yes I am far too lazy to boil potatoes and roast them myself she also cut me some runner beans so I am pretty much set for sunday dinner, got my pre made toad in the hole in the freezer ready and waiting for when I feel like cooking.

 

Back to uni life, I'm glad to be back, saw my ex briefly (as in, in passing) obviously didn't say anything to him, don't think he's taking any of my modules which is great! So literally the only time I'll see him ever is when our mutual friends have birthday parties and in passing around campus. The ex housemate I wont see as she studies at a different campus and lives ages away (walking which is my mode of transport xD) from where I live, may or may not bump into her at clubs or in town but its unlikely.

 

Oooh hoping to be bringing my motorbike up to uni beginning of November which will be awesome, got a feeling its going to be another dry winter, which is good for my ear but means wet summers Gotta save up 1k for next summer....

 

Anyway, that there is my update for now. Hope everyones well xxxxx

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