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Uni goings on else there will be a LOT of threads...


ButterflyWrists

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What is with people trying to set me up with someone? Seriously..

 

Last year, my ex and I got asked if we were a couple, and that pretty much made us get together that night (ok we knew we would get together eventually but still...) This year, my ex and I's mutial friend tried getting me with a new friend of mine who I've only known for 4 days.. Although his and my mutial friend said on thursday (day after we met!) that we are so compatible.. Really... WHY do people do this..

 

Oh and my and my ex's mutial friend kissed me last night (shes a girl btw) it was kiss rape, funny though - all the guys seemed to enjoy it xD lmfao..

 

 

_______________________________________

 

I have such a bad sleeping pattern. Tuesday 4 hours sleep, weds no sleep, thurs 4 hours sleep, fri 8 hours sleep sat 3.

 

I love uni!!! Its where I belong..

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This post is only mildly related to uni in the fact its affecting me doing this damn essay due in at 2pm...

Anyway... I feel really guilty about not wanting to commit suicide after my solstice died. I did with Sam, I attempted, I failed and I changed my life. If solsty had passed 3years ago, I would not have hesitated and I would have kept trying to kill myself until I succeeded (evidently!).. And now, I'm not wanting to commit suicide, and I feel so damn bad about it. I feel like I must have loved sam more, but I know I didn't I love them both so much. Now many of my friends at uni are worried about me, cause they think I'm gonna hurt myself really badly. I want to, I wish in a way, that I could just die to be with solstice. But I have so much left to do, so I'm obviously not going to. I just wish I could stop feeling so guilty over her death, like it was my fault, like I should have looked after her better, I should have been there etc. I know it wasn't my fault, we believe she had a stroke, that caused her to become blind and deaf, I was only away for 2 week, she'd been ok before that, just her normal sulky self.. And then two weeks later shes gone. I love her so much.

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What is it with my housemates and thinking I'm sleeping with a friend of mine. or 'seeing' him. It's getting old. Besides, what does it matter to any of them if I am seeing someone? Really not impressed with two of them atm, ones just keeping out of everything.

Oh thats another thing, I hardly eat, and don't eat properly.. one house mate, has cooked me dinner pretty much everynight this week, because he knows I wont eat if he doesn't, the other two (my ex and who was my best friend) are getting really * * * * * y about him cooking me dinenr, and about me not cleaning the bathroom, NEITHER of them have done ANYTHING around the house, also, neither of them have paid me money that they owe me for bills. I'm perfectly happy living in harmony with my ex, to my knowledge he was happy with it too, until my ex best friend started on about me sleeping with, first the house mate that cooks for me, and now a friend of mine.

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Ugh, getting really annoyed with my housemates. Apparently I've been being argumentative because I asked my ex if he was gonna recycle the plastic bottles as he said he would (although he just added if he could be bothered!) I was only asking cause theres loads of plastic bottles and if hes not gonna recycle them then someone else can or they can go in the bin. I was not having ago at him. Him and our female housemate have been rude to me all damn week, and apparently its me that has been? Ugh.. I hate living here. My friend (other male housemate) has now taken their side too. So am stuck and feel like I'm being treated as a child.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have three essays in, all within two weeks of each other, all reasonably simple. How much I have I done?

Read two of the journal articles, and I had done the method section for ONE part of my first essay due in, but I cant find where I saved it.

I can easily re-do it, and I have time. What I don't have is any motivation right now.

 

I will do this, I will do it well. And I am going to succeed.

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My mum has two new kittens. Less than 2 months after my cats passing. I am not happy. I asked her not to get female cats with the same colouring as my cat (tortoiseshell) and what did she go and get?

It left me in tears yesterday, I miss solstyface so much my beautiful beautiful sulky face, I wish she was still here fo rme to cuddle up to

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm missing my beautiful princess far too much atm. 2 months 6 days today She is the most amazing beautiful little girl. I've been having dreams where I just end my being to be with her. I'm a much stronger person now, than I was 2.5 years ago when my dog passed away... So I am sure I won't end my life, however I still feel like I should in a way..

 

Anyway onto better things.

 

Uni, handed in two essays, one left to go for this semester, then revision revision and oh, MORE revision over christmas break, exams start on the first day of term for me which sucks majorly.

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why is nothing ever easy for me?

Life at home, sucks.

Life at uni, sucks.

Health, sucks.

Social life, sucks.

 

Some of these things I can change - social life for example, but I have uni work to do, and that is the whole point of being at uni.

Life at uni - learn how to not show any sign of upset or annoyance to one housemate, and not allow her to see any 'moody' statuses.

The rest, nothing I can do about.

Want to live at home, least that way the issues aren't anything I have caused, so I have a better chance at not letting them effect me.

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Please just let me give up. I cant take this any more.

I am in SO much pain with my ears, and doctors havent a clue what is wrong with them. I have an essay in this week, and i am in too much pain to finish it. I wish I had never bothered trying. Life would be so much 'easier' not to mention cheaper.

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  • 4 weeks later...

It's official, I hate revision. Needs to be done else I wont pass my exams, got 4 in January, then at least 4 in May, yippy. My ex and our other female house mate still havent paid their portion of our bills yet. One of them owes me £19 or there abouts, its rediculous Might cancel the direct debit and call up and pay, and make them pay the £5 charge to call and pay, cause it isn't fair on me. I cant afford to do food shopping when I go back, my mum had to pay my prescription charges because I have no money, and this also means I can't enjoy new years. I've gotta find money to pay petrol for my mum to take me back to uni, which is a major pain, and shes having to run me around tomorrow. Grrr!

I should have over £30 in my bank account minimum, but Alas I don't as I've had to pay out for loads of things. Nevermind.

 

I'm missing a couple of my uni friends and climbing, my gosh I've gotten so big over the holidays, I would show a picture, but I cant be arsed haha.. I'm over weight as it is, and what most americans would class as chunky... (us size 8 at my smallest!)

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  • 3 weeks later...

wow, 7months since breakup, and we're getting along finally.... Well today anyway haha, even had a real conversation!

I'm glad we're sort of friends again, we've been living together properly since september had a month nc from dec when we went home for xmas, was good haha.

Well, thats this update xD...

Hope everyones well.

 

Butters

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OK I know this is my uni journal and am posting about something really not very related, but I'm wanting to keep my past posts (from 2006-10) separate from my new life, and I don't really want to read them old threads!

So, yeah here I am I've been doing well with not cutting again! I broke down over xmas and during exam period and cut, flushed away my razorblades and haven't bought any new ones. When I flush away blades, it always takes me about 6months before I consider getting new ones, and once I have a futher 2/3 months till I use them. Gonna keep track of that here. Don't want to start cutting again. It's been 8 years since I began cutting, 2 years since my last really bad spell where I tried to commit suicide etc. And now here I am. Doing reasonabley well. Could be doing better but it is what it is.

 

Feeling very up and down today dunno why... Anyway hope everyone has a good day/evening...

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I'm missing my beautiful princess so much today. Four months and 4 days today I love her so much, I was crying yesterday, lied about what was up, am going away tomorrow and I don't want people worrying about me... Was made to promise I wont self harm while away, I wont! I want to be with her, but I also promised not to kill myself either. So gotta go through this greiving process. . . My dog has been gone for 2 years 8 months and 1 week and it has been that long since my last suicide attempt. Gotta keep strong...

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  • 2 months later...

So after a huge fall out with two of my housemates (the two I've complained about in here).. I'm having to go back today for a couple days, hand in my essays, pack more stuff to bring home and go to a revision session. Then I don't have to see or speak to either for nearly a month! Really cannot wait to not be living with them. Gonna move out properly in May. Stop paying my portion of the internet gass n electric (like I've already told them!) but continue to pay my rent. They don't even know how to pay bills, its pathetic really. Cannot wait to be free of them.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I really cannot believe that it has been TWO years since I was stressing about essay marks for getting into university, now here I am stressing about second year exams.. Madness! final year next year, with a 10,000 words or so, final year project... Where the heck does time go? It's scary, exciting and really cannot wait for my life to begin as a REAL adult (I'm a student thus can still act like a kid, ) I don't want uni to end either though, going to be so scary!! I'll have to get a full time job, pay all my bills (Not living with housemates again haha) yikes!!!

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Ok thats 1/4 questions revised for one exam. First part of first exam done, need to do justification and conclusion I think, need to check that... Getting there slowly.. I'm excited to be finishing this year at uni and finally starting modules I want to do, going to be tough, but well worth the effort, just need to keep my mind focused on my end goal and reach it! Slowly slowly getting there.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Damn I feel like a yoyo at the moment so ill dont really know what to do, trying to revise, nothings staying in, cant understand a thing right now. Damn illness and my moods been up and down with different things proping up to try and destroy all my hard work. need to perservere (sp?)... Really wish I could just have everything from my left ear removed, it's constantly getting infected, I can hardly hear, and theoretically should be 100% deaf in that ear seeing as the bones behind the ear drum which vibrate from soundwaves, have been removed so whats the point in having anything there still? if I'm just going to be constantly getting ill? got appt next month for my ears, may ask about having all that junk removed, would hopefully mean not getting ill 10 times a year, and thus reducing chances of getting ill over/near assesment periods. FFS I hate my life

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Soo... My first exam starts tomorrow, I am so scared and anxious, hardly sleeping, in a panic over all this.. really wish I could calm down, I have anti anxieties, but I detest taking them unless 100% neccesary (ie panic attack)... So excited too, which is weird. My second year is going to be over in 16 days! SIXTEEN!?!? seriously, thats crazy!!!!!!!! holy cr*p...

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  • 2 weeks later...

My moods are all over the place at the moment... Scared about my exams, trying to get doctors notes so I can sort out my application for extenuating circumstances, but having to call up a doctors I'm not regestered with so its a huge pain in the ass.. Oh well, I'll get that sorted.

For now I just need to concentrate on the next two exams, keep possitive. It is so damn hard. I wish I could just tell schoolaged me to try in school dispite teachers telling me I was useless and would never make anything of myself... Would've saved me the hassle I'm having now. I've never done homework, coursework etc on time, never really revised for exams until university, and I'm seeing old patterns trying to break my resolve to actually achieve. This has been my dream for so long, and I never thought I could achieve it. Now I have, and it is so so difficult to try and keep it within my grasp, it keeps slipping between my fingers everytime I get ill. I am so surprised I have made it this far, I love university. I want to get my degree. I need to.

 

I wonder if anyone actually reads this, and if it helps anyone at all. lol...

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