playstheblues Posted September 29, 2011 Share Posted September 29, 2011 I'll try not to go on for too long and apologise in advance if I do. I have been reading these posts day and night like a mad woman- trying to see if I can find situations that have any relevance to me. I finally thought I would reach out as I'm not doing that well at the moment and see what everyone else thinks I should do. 6 weeks ago, my fiance came home suddenly and said told me that our relationship was finished. We had been together for 8 years and living together for 4. For me, this came pretty much out of the blue- and his behaviour around the time was very rushed and crazy. He had been feeling depressed for about a month prior to breaking it off - about things like his career, family dramas, financial issues, finalising a college course etc. During this time we had talked at length about the problems and I had asked if our relationship was something that was worrying him - he haid said no a number of times. Up until the day before he decided things were finished we were still planning our wedding in intimate details. I was not putting a great deal of pressure around this because I knew he was feeling down, but he was interested all the same. He moved out the same day - just taking his clothes with him. When I asked if we could try and work things out - he said no - because that would give me false hope. To say that I was shocked is pretty much an understatement. We have not had a tumultuous relationship at all - and are usually very open and honest with each other- or so I thought. We got along extremely well and agreed on how we were going to raise our family and all the big life issues. There is no other woman involved so that is not the issue either- I am 100% sure of this, and have checked this theory out comprehensively. His Mom and family have been really kind to me - telling me that they are so sorry to lose me from their family etc. Everyone else is as shocked as I am. Like every couple, our relationship was not perfect and there were some problems that we had - but nothing that warrants a break up in my eyes. We had not really tried to work on fixing the problems i.e. me not initiating sex enough, because most of the time we were both happy. He has since admitted that he 'flipped out and made the decision but has also said 'what's done is done now' and I can't undo it- telling me that he has hurt me so much and asking how I could ever trust him again. Up until this point, he has pretty much been in denial about what the situation entails and the gravity of what he has done. He was not really giving me any details about his situation until last week when he finally started to leak little details to me. He told me that he felt down for a few weeks but it is only in the last few days he has told me that he is now having serious trouble coping- something I have been going through since the beginning of the breakup. He said until recently he has been numb. To top it off- we have to sort out the sale of our property (which was happening before we split up) and he has now looked at rental properties and has decided to move in with a couple of lads he knows- really strange, so being in NC is not really possible because we are having to discuss these issues on a daily basis, as well as cancel our wedding plans etc. I literally cannot believe he has done this- this man who I put so much trust in, and has been a really solid man for the last 8 years has suddenly just lost it. He's given me every excuse under the sun from 'not being able to provide a life for me' to not ever loving me, to then saying of course we were in love, to then saying he needs to sort himself out (obviously!) and everything in between. IN the time we have been broken up he has been coming up with wild plans about what he is going to do and talks alot about travelling and finding his calling. It seems that he was originally telling everyone he had made the right decision - from day 1. I'm not sure how someone in a relationship that spans nearly a decade can seemingly come from work- decide to separate, call off our wedding, let go of all our future plans, and be so determined and sure about his decision. In my mind - he really doesn't have that much to gain - he is not going to someone else and his living arrangements aren't particularly attractive either. He has pretty much told his friends that he broke up because he wasn't 100% sure about getting married since he had been feeling down so had to break up for both our sakes. The wedding wasn't until next year- so there was no real time pressure - and I understand that when he has recently switched roles at work (he hates his company) and has started looking at a new career, taking a hefty pay cut etc that everything seems too much and that he might not be sure about being married at this point when he is so unsure of everything else. He didn't even talk to me about that problem and just ended it without trying to sort things out. Has this happened to anyone else? He's basically said that he is having a mid life crisis - and it has only been the last few days that he has acknowledged some of his feelings and that he is actually starting to feel awful. I guess this doesn't mean that he is going to change his decision though. In general, I would say he is an extremely good man and usually treats people very well. He keeps telling me that he is not telling me the details of his feelings because 'he caused this mess and that's not fair on me.' We have never been through something like this before. IN the beginning - as soon as a day after he just packed up and left, he kept telling me that his decision was final and nothign I could do would change it. He hasn't been saying that recently - I didn't really plead and beg but have obviously been emotional - not really showing it to him in the last little while though. I have emailed him my thoughts and I think the emails were written quite well but he seems to be going ahead with his decision regardless. Do you think there is any chance that I should try to remain in contact with him and sort out this mess- or is this a lost cause. We are mainly emailing rather than using a cell phone to contact each other. At least he is not stagnate and is showing signs of progression when he can say that he is now feeling different to how he was feeling a week ago. After almost a decade, life without him is going to be so horrible- he really was a big part of my everything. I am not sleeping or eating properly and it's really impacting on my life and my work. I just don't know what to do in these situations when something like this explodes into your life - if you had told me 7 weeks ago that we would be broken up now- I would have betted my life against it. It is so hard to not contact him or tell him small details of my day. I miss him with all my heart and soul and want to work this out but don't want to become stuck waiting. Link to comment
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