Is this a mid life crisis or does he just not love me?

[playstheblues]

I'll try not to go on for too long and apologise in advance if I do. I have been reading these posts day and night like a mad woman- trying to see if I can find situations that have any relevance to me. I finally thought I would reach out as I'm not doing that well at the moment and see what everyone else thinks I should do.

 

6 weeks ago, my fiance came home suddenly and said told me that our relationship was finished. We had been together for 8 years and living together for 4. For me, this came pretty much out of the blue- and his behaviour around the time was very rushed and crazy. He had been feeling depressed for about a month prior to breaking it off - about things like his career, family dramas, financial issues, finalising a college course etc. During this time we had talked at length about the problems and I had asked if our relationship was something that was worrying him - he haid said no a number of times. Up until the day before he decided things were finished we were still planning our wedding in intimate details. I was not putting a great deal of pressure around this because I knew he was feeling down, but he was interested all the same. He moved out the same day - just taking his clothes with him. When I asked if we could try and work things out - he said no - because that would give me false hope. To say that I was shocked is pretty much an understatement. We have not had a tumultuous relationship at all - and are usually very open and honest with each other- or so I thought. We got along extremely well and agreed on how we were going to raise our family and all the big life issues. There is no other woman involved so that is not the issue either- I am 100% sure of this, and have checked this theory out comprehensively. His Mom and family have been really kind to me - telling me that they are so sorry to lose me from their family etc. Everyone else is as shocked as I am.

 

Like every couple, our relationship was not perfect and there were some problems that we had - but nothing that warrants a break up in my eyes. We had not really tried to work on fixing the problems i.e. me not initiating sex enough, because most of the time we were both happy. He has since admitted that he 'flipped out and made the decision but has also said 'what's done is done now' and I can't undo it- telling me that he has hurt me so much and asking how I could ever trust him again.

 

Up until this point, he has pretty much been in denial about what the situation entails and the gravity of what he has done. He was not really giving me any details about his situation until last week when he finally started to leak little details to me. He told me that he felt down for a few weeks but it is only in the last few days he has told me that he is now having serious trouble coping- something I have been going through since the beginning of the breakup. He said until recently he has been numb. To top it off- we have to sort out the sale of our property (which was happening before we split up) and he has now looked at rental properties and has decided to move in with a couple of lads he knows- really strange, so being in NC is not really possible because we are having to discuss these issues on a daily basis, as well as cancel our wedding plans etc.

 

I literally cannot believe he has done this- this man who I put so much trust in, and has been a really solid man for the last 8 years has suddenly just lost it. He's given me every excuse under the sun from 'not being able to provide a life for me' to not ever loving me, to then saying of course we were in love, to then saying he needs to sort himself out (obviously!) and everything in between. IN the time we have been broken up he has been coming up with wild plans about what he is going to do and talks alot about travelling and finding his calling. It seems that he was originally telling everyone he had made the right decision - from day 1. I'm not sure how someone in a relationship that spans nearly a decade can seemingly come from work- decide to separate, call off our wedding, let go of all our future plans, and be so determined and sure about his decision. In my mind - he really doesn't have that much to gain - he is not going to someone else and his living arrangements aren't particularly attractive either. He has pretty much told his friends that he broke up because he wasn't 100% sure about getting married since he had been feeling down so had to break up for both our sakes. The wedding wasn't until next year- so there was no real time pressure - and I understand that when he has recently switched roles at work (he hates his company) and has started looking at a new career, taking a hefty pay cut etc that everything seems too much and that he might not be sure about being married at this point when he is so unsure of everything else. He didn't even talk to me about that problem and just ended it without trying to sort things out.

 

Has this happened to anyone else? He's basically said that he is having a mid life crisis - and it has only been the last few days that he has acknowledged some of his feelings and that he is actually starting to feel awful. I guess this doesn't mean that he is going to change his decision though. In general, I would say he is an extremely good man and usually treats people very well. He keeps telling me that he is not telling me the details of his feelings because 'he caused this mess and that's not fair on me.' We have never been through something like this before. IN the beginning - as soon as a day after he just packed up and left, he kept telling me that his decision was final and nothign I could do would change it. He hasn't been saying that recently - I didn't really plead and beg but have obviously been emotional - not really showing it to him in the last little while though. I have emailed him my thoughts and I think the emails were written quite well but he seems to be going ahead with his decision regardless. Do you think there is any chance that I should try to remain in contact with him and sort out this mess- or is this a lost cause. We are mainly emailing rather than using a cell phone to contact each other. At least he is not stagnate and is showing signs of progression when he can say that he is now feeling different to how he was feeling a week ago. After almost a decade, life without him is going to be so horrible- he really was a big part of my everything. I am not sleeping or eating properly and it's really impacting on my life and my work. I just don't know what to do in these situations when something like this explodes into your life - if you had told me 7 weeks ago that we would be broken up now- I would have betted my life against it. It is so hard to not contact him or tell him small details of my day. I miss him with all my heart and soul and want to work this out but don't want to become stuck waiting.

[DN]

Like every couple, our relationship was not perfect and there were some problems that we had - but nothing that warrants a break up in my eyes. We had not really tried to work on fixing the problems i.e. me not initiating sex enough, because most of the time we were both happy.

I never think it wise to dismiss unresolved problems in a relationship as 'not warranting a break-up' because what may have seemed trivial or unimportant to you may have been the very opposite to him.

 

It may be that he is going through some issues but these relationship problems could easily have been a major contributing factor and it isn't going to serve you to think that all the stresses you mention about career, family, financial are the only things to blame. He could have chosen to address those issues in some way and may still - but it seems the issue he chose to address first was the relationship and in a very drastic way.

 

It might be an idea to take those relationship issues more seriously and ask him for a chance to address them and ask him to postpone his decision.

[playstheblues]

I totally agree with you and meant from my perspective they didn't warrant a break up. I have asked him closer to the time when we broke up (i'm too scared to ask him now) if he would be willing to work through the issues- I said I would be happy to address any concerns he has raised and try to work through them- said I would be happy to go to couples therapy- whatever it took, and then if we can't and he doesn't feel any better - then we could separate. He said no because 'his decision was final.' He said he didn't have the energy to work out issues because everything else was too worrying. So as you can see, I'm totally confused. It is mainly him initiating contact - and he has come over to pick up some stuff but I have not gone to see him at all. JUst totally confused abut what I should do. Obviously my relationship is so important to me, but it seems, after reading through other people's posts that this kind of thing does happen- people just pack up and leave from a seemingly happy life.

[offplanet]

The best you can do is keep your dignity and self esteem by letting him go, as you are, and not asking him to reconsider, or doing anything to try and keep him. Unfortunately you will probably never know his actual reason for doing this. If he knows it himself, he will probably not want to hurt you by telling you, even though, ironically, its probably hurting you more not getting a clear explanation. People sometimes just don't want to honestly go into the details of why they have changed their mind about their long term partner. Whatever the reasons are, he seems to be very determined that it's final, and so there's nothing you can do about that. Maybe after some time of being left alone, he could change his mind, but there is no guarantee of that, and I wouldn't advise you to wait aroung for that to happen. All the best.

[Deciduous]

Hello playstheblues,

 

It sounds like he maybe suffering from clinical depression. He's become so overwhelmed with life that he has shut down. Feeling numb is a typical response to the pain of depression. When people are depressed, they often lose interest in things they used to enjoy. Even a relationship that was a source of stability and joy can become a source of stress and anxiety, through no fault of the other person.

 

There are many other symptoms. Do any of them ring a bell?

 

Psychological:

* continuous low mood or sadness

* feelings of hopelessness and helplessness

* low self-esteem

* tearfulness

* feelings of guilt

* feeling irritable and intolerant of others

* lack of motivation and little interest in things

* difficulty making decisions

* lack of enjoyment

* suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself

* feeling anxious or worried

* reduced sex drive

 

Physical:

* slowed movement or speech

* change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased)

* constipation

* unexplained aches and pains

* lack of energy or lack of interest in sex

* disturbed sleep patterns (for example, problems going to sleep or waking in the early hours of the morning)

 

Social symptoms include:

* not doing well at work

* taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends, partners and family

* reduced hobbies and interests

* difficulties in home and family life

 

It can take some time to recognise that some-one is depressed. Sometimes it comes on gradually and people continue to deal with the symptoms without recognising them. Eventually some-thing snaps when they can no longer cope. They react by trying to running away from all responsibility and perceived sources of stress. Relationships come top of that list.

 

Go Low Contact. Let him initiate contact. He is unable to cope with your relationship right now. That much is clear. Do not talk about the relationship. Do not talk about his return. If you do, you will simply be perceived as another source of stress from which he must distance himself. Keep conversations strictly neutral. As hard as it is, do not engage him. Once he realises that he is no longer being chased, he may stop running.

 

While you are pushing him for answers, he will dig his heels to maintain emotional distance. As tempting as it is, do not become his therapist. He will simply avoid dealing with the issues himself. He needs space to work through his thoughts. Which is why I suggest Low Contact. If it clinical depression he will soon realise that torpeadoing is relationship in no way deals with the key problem. But he needs distance to realise that.

 

I understand that this is desperately painful for you. Of course you want answers. It is tempting to demand then and ask where you stand - but he doesn't know if he is coming or going.

 

Right now he cannot provide the answers you want.

 

Deci

[playstheblues]

Hello playstheblues,

 

It can take some time to recognise that some-one is depressed. Sometimes it comes on gradually and people continue to deal with the symptoms without recognising them. Eventually some-thing snaps when they can no longer cope. They react by trying to running away from all responsibility and perceived sources of stress. Relationships come top of that list.

 

Right now he cannot provide the answers you want.

 

Deci

 

HI Deci,

 

Thanks for your response. Prior to the break up I definitely thought he was suffering from depression but then after he ended it and seemed to be 'doing alright' (his own words), I was leaning more towards mid life crisis or G.I.G.S or being in denial. Even if he was relieved that the relationship had ended after 8 years, I still thought he would have had some grieving to do and was pretty shocked that he seemed to have been able to skip that part. I didn't buy that he had done that grieving whilst we were still together - unless it was at the very end of the relationship, and that seemed to be a very short period of time. That's when I thought I was wrong about the depression - because he didn't seem to be feeling 'depressed' after we broke up so thought that our relationship may be the cause of him feeling down, rather than all the other life issues that seemed to be distressing him previously. I was also surprised at the quite sudden personality change during this time- i.e. he was generally a very considerate human being and was showing me a total lack of empathy, telling me that I'd have to get over it only a few days after he left. It is only in the last few days that he has admitted that he has been feeling really low - he said he only started to feel like this very recently and that the numbness was now wearing off. He is definitely suffering some of the symptoms you have listed. Prior to leaving, and since he has been feeling awful, I have gently tried to coax him into seeing our Doctor, which he resisted, I guess that is the best I can do, short of dragging him there, which really isn't my role any longer. I feel like him getting rid of me, made all the other problems easier to deal with. As DN said above- there are also the other issues about our relationship that he has raised, and whilst I don't feel they were significant enough to end a relationship over, he just might.

 

It is usual for people suffering from depression to have a personality change- to suddenly be quite hard and lacking empathy? And to just dump and run from a relationship that obviously was quite important to him- spending 8 years of his life with me and planning to spend the rest of it?? I certainly wasn't begging or pleading, so saw no real reason for him to keep repeating that 'he'd made his decision' and when he told me his reasons, he would go between different things - like he was grasping for straws. I think you are right in saying that he cannot provide any answers for me. I'm just concerned that now he has officially moved out and we are in the process of selling our property, we will no longer have any links, and that will just be it. I know people say that you just have to have dignity and let them go- but I am going to have to find some strength from somewhere (I don't know if it exists within me at the moment) to be able to just say - oh, ok, I understand you don't feel good about things at the moment, don't want our relationship anymore, after all this time -ya'know.

[cmupitt]

I am so sorry about what you are suffering. I went through the same thing three months ago. We were about to get married in Sep and I am still an emotional wreck right now. I think we really have to face the reality and be strong.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

 

The one thing that sticks out to me is that you were together for eight years without a commitment. Had he had doubts before this? Why had it taken so long to get to engagement? How old are you both?

[playstheblues]

I'm sorry for the situation you are in.

 

The one thing that sticks out to me is that you were together for eight years without a commitment. Had he had doubts before this? Why had it taken so long to get to engagement? How old are you both?

 

We were pretty young when we met, which is why there hasn't been a wedding until now (I think.... but maybe in hindsight- there were other reasons??) We have been planning the wedding for a while and have talked extensively about our futures. I am 27 and he is 29.

[playstheblues]

I am so sorry about what you are suffering. I went through the same thing three months ago. We were about to get married in Sep and I am still an emotional wreck right now. I think we really have to face the reality and be strong.

 

Oh my goodness. I know it doesn't make the situation easier, but at least there are other people going through the same thing.... I'm so sorry for you too. Do you have any hopes to reconcile or are you just trying to move on?

[cmupitt]

Oh my goodness. I know it doesn't make the situation easier, but at least there are other people going through the same thing.... I'm so sorry for you too. Do you have any hopes to reconcile or are you just trying to move on?

 

I reached out for him recently. He was happy to see me, and after the first meet, we had the second meet. Apparently he enjoyed it so much and we had so much spark. But he said to me I still think the decision of breaking up is a right one. Sorry." He also clearly stated that he DOES NOT want to go back together right now. I said just take it slow and let's see how it goes." He said that is too much pressure.

 

He said he just enjoyed meeting me (he said he does not want us to be friend either), but nothing further.

 

It is actually a good thing for me. I got my closure and have been much better since two weeks ago.

[cmupitt]

We were pretty young when we met, which is why there hasn't been a wedding until now (I think.... but maybe in hindsight- there were other reasons??) We have been planning the wedding for a while and have talked extensively about our futures. I am 27 and he is 29.

 

I am 27 too. Almost the same story. I have been an emotional wreck -- could not work for months. At least now, I am able to focus on working, which takes away lots of painful time of thinking about him.

[playstheblues]

I am 27 too. Almost the same story. I have been an emotional wreck -- could not work for months. At least now, I am able to focus on working, which takes away lots of painful time of thinking about him.

 

I have been going to work- but have not really been coping otherwise. I have never felt so awful in my whole life, and I feel that you are probably the same. My heart goes out to you aswell. I know you say that you have closure after seeing him, but do you have any little bits of hope at all? I swing between having hope and not having any at all - my friends obviously tell me to focus on myself and move on- and this is sound advice when you are not actually going through the situation. I am trying my best, but having no control over such a big aspect of my life is very hard to deal with. Does anyone else have situations where depressed/sudden decisions then turn around and reconsider their decision? Or is this something I should not be focusing on? I know I shouldn't be but I am. I am totally devastated about him moving out to live with other people- what a rash decision. There wasn't even one night where he stayed on the couch to try and work things out. Such a sudden and hard thing to deal with.

[cmupitt]

I have been having hope -- I have to admit that even today, after I got my closure, I still have hope. I agree with you that when people tell you to "move on", it is much easier said than done. When you are in love how can you move on? Love and obsession are intertwined and it is very hard to get out.

 

I think people differ from each other. My best friend recently reconciled with her bf who dumped her four months ago. The guy seemed really determined when he broke up with her. He begged her back which gave me hope and encouraged me to reach out. But look at what happened to me... My ex never told me he was unhappy -- whenever I checked with him he always put on a smile and told me that he was extremely happy. Neither did he complain a single time during our relationship. But when he broke up with me he said he had not been happy, which came as quite a shock to me. Why didn't he tell me how he felt during the relationship? Why did he walk away without putting any effort in solving our problems? I feel painful and being betrayed. From time to time I have this urge to talk to him, to show him books on how to work out a relationship. But I know he won't listen.

 

Shame on me! I still have a bit hope because he did not reject me in a very determined way. But I know that I can not reach him again in the near future and I'd better move on.

[Ms Darcy]

We were pretty young when we met, which is why there hasn't been a wedding until now (I think.... but maybe in hindsight- there were other reasons??) We have been planning the wedding for a while and have talked extensively about our futures. I am 27 and he is 29.

 

Were you his first girlfriend?

[playstheblues]

Were you his first girlfriend?

 

No- I wasn't. I was obviously his first long term girlfriend over a period of two or more years. Do you think that could be the cause of something like this?

[playstheblues]

Why didn't he tell me how he felt during the relationship? Why did he walk away without putting any effort in solving our problems? I feel painful and being betrayed. From time to time I have this urge to talk to him, to show him books on how to work out a relationship. But I know he won't listen.

 

Shame on me! I still have a bit hope because he did not reject me in a very determined way. But I know that I can not reach him again in the near future and I'd better move on.

 

There is no shame on you at all. I have been feeling shame and embarrassment too. I have hope and in the beginning he would repeatedly tell me- "my decision is final" so I am maybe an idiot- but I'm not sure what he or other people expect from me - to just say 'ohh ok - nice knowing you' when someone comes home out of the blue and breaks up a relationship overnight?!

 

The one thing I cannot understand is the refusal to work through the issues with the view to seperating if they can't be resolved. I cannot believe your fiance did this too. There is so much to lose by just walking away. I totally understand that maybe, despite all the other pressures in his life, the issues he did raise may have been big enough in his mind to end the relationship- but I cannot believe the usually quite sensible man that he is, wouldn't even entertain the thought of trying to work out the issues. Is this a symptom of depression/g.i.g.s/mid life crisis or is he simply just completely heartless and a different person to what I thought?Even the day before he broke up with me, he was buying me flowers and continuing with planning the wedding- so I just can't reconcile the whole thing in my mind.

[Ms Darcy]

No- I wasn't. I was obviously his first long term girlfriend over a period of two or more years. Do you think that could be the cause of something like this?

 

That could be a factor.

 

For some reason he's not feeling that gut-level need to be with you. Was he always really attracted to you?

[rachel001]

Such things happen in almost everyone's life. It has happened in mine too. It was 5 years relationships. Everything was going on well but just in 5th year as we were deciding to be settled and be married, her behaviour got changed little bit and we started arguing on many trivial issues and finally that breakup day came in front of me. However I tried to get him back and nothing worked well.

 

So finally I let him go and after facing mental trauma for few one month, I was fine and doing good in my life.

 

I never let me go down and kept self esteem up and kept busy myself in daily routine life, i fact I started working more in those days.

 

So I will suggest you to keep busy yourself in other work as you can do. All will be well. Trust me.

 

Good luck

[playstheblues]

That could be a factor.

 

For some reason he's not feeling that gut-level need to be with you. Was he always really attracted to you?

 

Initially he persued me relentlessly and has always been very sexually attracted to me too- there has never been a problem with this side of things- at all. He didn't become less attracted to me over time either, in fact he often told me that he was more and more sexually attracted to me as time went on. His behaviour certainly suggested this too.

[playstheblues]

Such things happen in almost everyone's life. It has happened in mine too. It was 5 years relationships. Everything was going on well but just in 5th year as we were deciding to be settled and be married, her behaviour got changed little bit and we started arguing on many trivial issues and finally that breakup day came in front of me. However I tried to get him back and nothing worked well.

 

So finally I let him go and after facing mental trauma for few one month, I was fine and doing good in my life.

 

I never let me go down and kept self esteem up and kept busy myself in daily routine life, i fact I started working more in those days.

 

So I will suggest you to keep busy yourself in other work as you can do. All will be well. Trust me.

 

Good luck

 

Rachel - it sounds like you were a lot stronger than me. At this point, I'm still suffering incredibly and am not at a turning point. At times I just want to sit in the house and cry all day- but i also go to work, so I am not just moping. It's a lot to deal with, isn't it. Did you live with your boyfriend? Are you guys in contact still at all?

 

At the moment I'm facing the very real possibility that unless we reconcile, we won't see ech other again after we sort out the sale of the property. That thought makes me almost wild with anger and frustration but Ihvae to just let it go I guess.

 

I don't know what all of this means though. I have read so many articles and thank you all for giving me advice- I am considering all of it.

[Live-N-Learn]

We were pretty young when we met, which is why there hasn't been a wedding until now (I think.... but maybe in hindsight- there were other reasons??) We have been planning the wedding for a while and have talked extensively about our futures. I am 27 and he is 29.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through but I can assure you he is not having a mid life crisis at 29. He is still a young man in many ways and may still be trying to find himself.

[playstheblues]

I am sorry for what you are going through but I can assure you he is not having a mid life crisis at 29. He is still a young man in many ways and may still be trying to find himself.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Perhaps I should have used the term quarter life crisis?! A couple of different doctors have talked to me about that so I think I used the wrong term.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs PSB, yes, I've been in similar situations twice - it also happened the yeart both men turned 50. Like you, and I'm sure it's part of the healing process, I analysed and analysed what could have brought this own. Our stories are so similar. I could give you a lot more details - I'm at work now - but the bottom line is that neighter of those men were "good relationship material." I said in another post that I realise now that I cam to love the men more than I love myself and this is something I work on now.

 

I creid more with the last breakup than I ever have in my whole life. I do want to tell you that I do now have somebody else in my life who I have very strong feelings for (had been a friend fo 2 years). I really didn't think this could happen. I'm taking this relaitonship very slowly and carefully, but I'm actually trying to take care of myself first and foremost.

 

REgardless of the reason your partner chose this course of action - whether it was depression, GIGS, anything, I believe it is extremely likely that he could have done this to you AFTER you were married. I went back to the first man who did that to me -I threw my wedding dress in the bay in the middle of the night!! Well, this man I went back to, everytime he felt like it after that which was often, he threatened to end the relationship. Waste of 2 years of my life. I'm glad to be rid of him now. Second man did that to me when he had a lot of issues too (looks like he will be failed on his pHd). I wont EVER go back to him, and whilst he claims he wants to be friends, I can see that he really hasn't been a very good friend to me.

 

A book which has helped me enormously is called "From Abandonment to Healing". I wish you well and I truly believe you deserve much better.

[playstheblues]

Thank so much for your comment. I would love to hear your story. I will look into the book from abandonment to healing and am so happy you have someone in your life. I'm not sure I will be so lucky. My fiance was a pretty good man, and I think he actually was good relationship material. He has always been very solid and dependable until now. I keep questioning whether I am the problem instead of him but his actions are pretty erratic and manic. I'm still trying to get my head around this. There are so many kind people here so I'm glad I have joined the enotalone community