Not attracted to my phenominal wife. Any advice would be helpful

[VIII]

My wife and I have a wonderful relationship to say the least. Our communication with each other is strong to the point where we NEVER argue. She's extremely loving and intelligent and just an all around good person. I really feel as if I've married my best friend and I feel as though I only love her more and more everyday- the problem is, I'm beginning to grow less attracted to her.

 

Here is the issue (And I'm sure this has been asked time and time again): After having our child, she's got the typical stretch marks that most women get and to be completely honest, that doesn't bother me in the least. What does bother me is that she seems not to care at all about her body anymore. She's allowed her stomach to get sloppy (for lack of a better word) and well, the rest of her body has gone right with it. I hate to sound superficial and shallow and I'm sure many of you are thinking just that but as in love with my wife as I am, I think it is a HUGE issue that I'm not attracted to her and even sometimes turned off when she takes her clothes off. It doesn't help that- A: She's always liked to dress sexy and show off and often sees outfits on other women and says things like "oh that's so cute but it would look much better on me" and while I entertain her comment, I really couldn't bear hurting her feelings in not smiling when she does put something on. And B: I'm a photographer so when I see models who have had children and kept their bodies in shape, it makes me wonder why my wife wouldn't want to do the same.

 

I've tried everything I can think of while trying to be as sensitive to her feelings as possible as I know that there are a lot off stresses that come with having and child and the last thing I want to do is her my wife's feelings. I try to get her to go for jogs/walks with me. I've bought us both gym memberships to a 24hr gym as she didn't want to work out with a bunch of people around. I have tried to use the clothes she likes but cant fit into or wear as incentives to want to work out. I've offered vacations just so she could show off how in shape we've both become. I go grocery shopping and buy only healthy (but tasty ^_^) foods but nothing seems to work.

 

I've got no idea how else to handle this situation and it really bothers me that I'm so in love with her but not attracted to her. (side note: she has disowned her family for reasons I won't discuss but one thing that they told her was that i lower her self esteem. This actually hurt both of our feelings because I have done nothing but encourage my wife to peruse her dreams and support her decisions and she agrees that I've boosted her confidence since we met) even though I may not be attracted to her physically... or at least body-wise, she is still beautiful and i make it a point to tell her everyday. I just really don't want to tell her that i don't like that she's letting her body go and ACTUALLY lower her confidence.

 

I hope I haven't babbled too much. I would really appreciate any advice on this matter. Thanks all!

[BellaDonna]

Welcome to enotalone. Has your wife gotten regular check-ups? How much weight do you think she gained?

 

If she really did gain a significant amount of weight it would be likely that her cholesterol levels have increased as well. I'd be more concerned about her losing the weight for health reasons. Heart disease is the leading killer of women age 25 and older. Hopefully her doctor will advise her to lose the weight.

 

If she has access to only healthy foods, and isn't overeating, then she should have some bloodwork done to rule out medical causes of weight gain like thyroid conditions or diabetes.

 

How old is your child now?

 

Is there any activity you call can do together to stay active?

[VIII]

Too be honest, she actually hasn't "gained" weight- She's maybe only a little heavier than before she was pregnant. the problem is that when she was pregnant, she did go from about 130 to around 190 and now that she has lost the weight mostly because of stress, her body is "sloppy" and not toned. Her butt sags a lot now and she's got a kind of saggy-pot belly thing going on. it's not that she needs to lose weight, it's that she just needs to tone up a bit. she wants to do things like go to Miami next year or she suggests going to lingerie/pajama parties but the outfits she wants to wear... well... her body just isn't ready for that stuff right now.

 

oh our child is a year old and we take walks through the park but she wont work out with me because my pace is a lot more advanced than hers and she feels like she slows me down. I've offered to pay for dance or kick boxing classes... even pole dancing classes and she still says no. I think it may be postpartum and if that's the case then i understand completely but it doesn't help that shes extremely sexual and when i see her naked I'm just not turned on.

[BellaDonna]

Well her stomach may never go back because it isn't just a muscle issue. A lot of it has to do with the skin stretching. It doesn't matter how much you work the muscle underneath, it won't tighten the skin.

 

Did she work out before she was pregnant?

 

How old is the child now?

[tinkerbellkj]

How old is the baby now?

 

Did she have a natural birth or a c-section? I had a c-section 5 months ago and really struggled with my shape since then, it seems to have really left me 'different' than before. And now of course, I am pregnant again, so that really doesn't help.

[VIII]

-oh our child is a year old and we take walks through the park but she wont work out with me because my pace is a lot more advanced than hers and she feels like she slows me down. I've offered to pay for dance or kick boxing classes... even pole dancing classes and she still says no. I think it may be postpartum and if that's the case then i understand completely but it doesn't help that shes extremely sexual and when i see her naked I'm just not turned on. i guess i'm more concerned that she is so sexual and likes showing off but her body is still a bit out of wack from the whole baby thing and i want to help her get back to the old her or as close as possible so that she can wear the stuff she likes and i dont feel uncomfortable.

 

She had natural child birth. and we worked out before and a bit after child birth until she decided that she hated working out lol

[tinkerbellkj]

Postpartum as in postpartum depression? How is she socially? Does she work? I know when I started going back to work a few days a week that was when I definitely started 'caring' a little bit more. But, it's definitely hard because pregnancy just seems to be easier on some people's bodies than it is others. Also how old is your wife?

[VIII]

After having our child, getting her to do much more than sit and watch tv was like pulling teeth. Now she's back in class and just started working this week actually. She's 21. Not very social but then again, neither of us are "social butterflies"

[tinkerbellkj]

Well, now that she's going to school and work she may start to get 'back into the groove'. Maybe she will meet a friend at work or school and they could go to zumba or kick boxing or something together. It's always nice to have a workout partner, and it's sometimes nice to do it with a girl friend.

[BellaDonna]

With a 1 year-old she may just be completely exhausted. I have a 4 year-old and it wasn't until he was about 2 that I seriously tried to get back in shape. I was far too tired to care or give it priority before then. If I had any free time I would rather relax than get on a treadmill or lift weights.

 

This is difficult because if you say anything she will be very hurt. I can relate to your situation a little bit as my spouse had gotten a belly once in the past and it was a major turn off to me at the time. But in my opinion, the best thing you can do is be supportive and not say you are turned off. Nothing good will come out of saying you are turned off.

she wont work out with me because my pace is a lot more advanced than hers and she feels like she slows me down.

 

Maybe you can slow down your pace for the sake of not making her feel self-conscious, silly, or inadequate. You might make her feel hopeless if she always has to compare her progress to yours.

 

Probably the best thing for her would be an objective personal trainer who will motivate her positively. Maybe another woman/mom.

[Tanzi]

Not everyone can look like a model or have a models figure, especially after pregnancy. What a shame you can't look beyond these "imperfections" and love and appreciate her for who and what she is ... a wife and mother. She gave up her perfect figure to carry your baby and, at the moment, your child is zapping up all her energy probably leaving her too exhausted for anything else. That may well change in the future.

 

She hasn't allowed her stomach to get sloppy, it has probably lost some of its elasticity due to the pregnancy. If that happens then there isn't much that can be done about it - beyond surgery - as it isn't due to excess fat and it isn't due to loose muscle. It just happens sometime.

[VIII]

I tried the Zumba thing... I actually did it with her (as silly as it made me feel lol) I've been trying to get her to be more social and find girlfriends that she can hang out with and maybe it's just taking her some time to get back into the swing of things. I do know that we have a strong relationship (we've had people twice our age ask us for relationship advice lol) and that this is just a minor hiccup. It gets me worried because she asks to do photo shoots with me all the time and her being as sexual as she is, her favorite shots are nudes...

 

I'll continue to be patient and supportive and hope over the next few months (or at least before our trip to miami lol) we can work something out with a trainer, class or something.

 

Thanks for the advice!

[BellaDonna]

It gets me worried because she asks to do photo shoots with me all the time and her being as sexual as she is, her favorite shots are nudes...

 

I can think of about 5000 men that would die to trade places with you. I'm not trying to trivialize what you are feeling but try to focus on all the positives you have going for you in your relationship, not just the negatives. And remember the reason:

 

She gave up her perfect figure to carry your baby

[VIII]

You're right and our kid is awesome. I couldn't imagine myself being married to anyone else. I guess i really just needed to express my "issue" to someone and that alone feels like a weight lifted.

[sophie274]

I do believe that sexual attraction is important and that it often cannot be helped - so I understand your issue with not feeling attracted to your wife.

 

Nevertheless, it does make me cringe a little to read some of what you've written, in particular the idea that you are (this is how I read it) embarrassed for her that she doesn't realize the "reality" of what her body looks like. Correct me if I'm wrong - it sort of sounds like you are saying she shouldn't be as sexual or want to wear these revealing/cute outfits or have her picture taken because she should realize what her body looks like. Same with the beach vacation.

 

I actually think it's really great that your wife still feel sexual and attractive and has good self-esteem. A lot of women lose self-esteem and body image after childbirth, and lose interest in sex for a long time. I think it's a good sign that she has a good body image, and I strongly feel you should not shatter it by telling her you are no longer attracted to her.

[Moontiger]

With your child only being a year old I bet your wife is totally exhausted most of the time. My sister's kid would wake up every 2-3 hours at night until she was about 10 months when she began waking up ever 4 hours. Sleep deprivation can be very stressful (heck they use it for torture in some places). Stress can make it very difficult for your body to lose weight or do much of anything.

 

Maybe a few nights a week you can get up with the baby so she can sleep? That would help her feel less exhausted and as a result more inclined to do things.

 

Her body is never going to be exactly how it was before. Models can get back in shape like that because they have personal trainers, chefs, and plastic surgery. Whole teams of people are helping them. Your wife doesn't have that.

[offplanet]

I feel sorry for each of you. Your wife can't help it that her body has deteriorated, and you can't help it that you're not attracted to her, and are even turned off by her. In both cases its not under each one's control.

[FathomFear]

Yeah, it sounds like you have very high standards. While that's certainly your prerogative, you should also appreciate that the vast majority of people likely wouldn't have an issue with your situation. Many would say "Well, my partner is back to a good weight but she's not quite toned enough..." as being nitpicky. Unless you're very toned yourself and walking around with a six-pack, it's a hard standard to have.

 

I also have to wonder what effect your profession has on your psyche. When you spend lots of time taking photographs of perfect models--who frankly make a living off maintaining a perfect figure--I can only assume that you start seeing this as an ideal that you expect your partner to achieve as well.

[Maverick44]

Consider purchasing workout equipment or one of those video DVD sets that would allow your wife to workout at home.

 

Maverick

[Mauxly]

I relate to your wife in that I absolutely hate working out for the sake of working out. My solution is to have found things that I actually love doing that also happens to be really physically taxing.

 

Do you live in an area that has skiing? Buy her a season pass and agree to watch your child while she's skiing.

 

If no skiing, what about lakes and rivers? Get her into canoeing kayaking?

 

How about backpacking?

 

If you live in the city you can get her into 'Urban Safari', buy a camera and have her walk all day taking pictures of odd and interesting details of the city.

 

I think the key here, though, is giving her independence. Don't go with her, let her do these things alone or with a girlfriend. Babysit while she does these things. I think this would be good for her mental and physical health.

[Huntress0527]

Well being that the OP's wife is only 21 I would assume that he is young also. Looks seem to be very important to younger people. Again, only an assumption which may not be correct.

 

The only thing that you can really do, OP, is keep encouraging her to workout with you and healthy eating. I know for me it's so much easier when my partner is on board to workout and eat right. Just try not to press her too much and give her a little slack to get back in the swing of things. Your child is still very young so she has a lot going on caring for the baby.

[oldenoughtoknow]

Yes, this is a very sensitive subject and a fairly common one. I've been through it and witnessed similar situations many times. Men are very visual, and with the OP being a photographer, his may be even more so. But there are obviously bigger issues at play here. Some women have a much harder time physically after childbirth than others. Some recover quickly and some never do, and it's not only due to diet and exercise. And let's not forget, caring for an infant is exhausting! You don't have a lot of steam left for a workout when you're sleep deprived, laying on the couch in your sweats covered in spit up. All you want is a nap. And remember, exercise will tone your muscles, not your skin. Working on your 6 pack won't do you much good if it's covered with a burlap sack.

 

What would I suggest? Well, ladies, please don't flame me, because this is intended as a guy to guy talk. Do you have any large mirrors in your house? Not really being funny here. Your wife is used to having a nice body, and she has lost the baby weight (I hope you've given continual kudos for that) and may think everything is back to normal. My own weight has fluctuated over my lifetime to where I've gotten 30, even 40 lbs over my ideal weight. The usual story where diet and exercise are going to start tomorrow. Looking at myself in a mirror makes tomorrow come a lot faster. It's great that she has the self esteem to feel good about herself. Many post pregnancy women aren't so fortunate. But I also understand your conundrum when she's flaunting her muffin top (or whatever). It would be like, "I love you, I love our child, I love our life together, but I wish you'd cover that."

 

Fortunately if you have enough money to offer nice vacations, you have more options. Maybe you could go shopping with your wife a few times and pick out clothing that hides her problem areas and accentuates her good ones. Does she have nice legs? Is the boob fairy still in town? Maybe a negligee with a solid, dark colored, loose fitting panel around the middle. You photograph models, so I'm sure you know how this works better than most guys. This would also be a subtle way of nudging her to reevaluate her body. Maybe you could find a segue into offering her a spa treatment. There are lots of topical treatments that can help with skin toning (I'm a guy. Don't ask me for product recommendations. I just know this from listening to women). And, once she becomes more aware of her new body, maybe surgery would be an option of interest for her.

 

The key is to be patient with her. Look at her good features, not the new ones you find disappointing. Support her. She's caring for an infant and she's no doubt exhausted. Think of how lucky you are to have her. Think about the wonderful life you have ahead of you. Even if nothing changes, there will come a day when the sags and droops will fade from your view. Just look into those beautiful eyes that you fell in love with...

[BellaDonna]

Even if nothing changes, there will come a day when the sags and droops will fade from your view

And there will also come a day when you both sag and droop and no workout pace will stop it. It's called aging. She might be turned off when hair starts growing out of your nose.

 

If you are married you must work through these things. It's part of what marriage is about.

[Seraphim]

And there will also come a day when you both sag and droop and no workout pace will stop it. It's called aging. She might be turned off when hair starts growing out of your nose.

 

If you are married you must work through these things. It's part of what marriage is about.

 

Yes. Aging comes to us all. One day a man might have more hair in his nose than on his head. Just one of those things.

[prettymommy]

I totally sympathize with how you feel. However, I don't believe you are looking at this realistically, nor really have a good understanding of the toll having a baby has on a woman's body.

 

For instance... I only gained 18 lbs during my pregnancy. 3 weeks post delivery, I lost it all, plus another 10lbs. Within 6 months, I was down 15 lbs from my pre-pregnancy weight.

 

Guess what? Even with that weight loss, that "pudge" in my abdomen from my skin and tummy being stretched out over a period of 9 months still exists. My breast have permenately changed. 9 years on now, and it only seems like that pudge gets worse with each passing year, as gravity takes its toll, despite my weight has stayed stable and is where it should be for my height and build. What I have learned is that nothing is ever going to make that pudge go away, or my boobs to magically lift, short of surgery at this point. And I had my son fairly young too... at 25. 9 years later and 15 lbs lighter, the legacy of my pregnancy still has left visual changes to my body. So short of having plastic surgery (which I haven't ruled out, but I know its not for everyone), there is nothing I can do about it (and trust me, I tried for awhile... 300 + situps and oblique crunches a day, 100 push ups, etc. ). Yes, some woman's bodies do "bounce" back after pregnancy, but I believe those women are blessed with good genes. By and large, most of us do not have the genetics that occur for this to happen, and as a consequence, our bodies are forever changed.

 

Most women are mortified by the changes that occur to their bodies after pregnancy, but I think it's great your wife owns it. That speaks to a great deal of confidence on her part, and is quite unqiue. That something you should treasure, as most wife's would likely want to cover up in front of their husbands and hide their flaws.

 

None of us are perfect. What's going to happen when your hair line starts receeding, or your chin starts to slack? Everyone's body changes as we age- some faster than others, granted- but it all changes. I remember there was a time in my early 20s where I couldn't stand the idea of a guy with little to no hair, or a beer belly (no matter how small). Or uneven, or slightly yellowed teeth. Now I understand that those things are natural, and not only that, they can be sexy for what they represent.

 

Best of luck to you and you wife- she sounds like a keeper, and I hope you two can find a solution that is compassionate and lasting for both of you.