Confused after finding dirty pIcs in bfs email

[iirawrz]

Hello, I am really in need of some advice...

Yesterday morning I was using my bfs laptop, his email was signed in and I found a strange folder with 2 saved emails...one of them was from this girl he plays online games with that I know he used to flirt with so I decided to take a quick look and see what it was- it was 2 dirty pics of her, I was really upset so I decided to take a look at the other email and found that it was pics of one of his exes giving a blow Job to whom I'm guessing was him.

 

Right away I showed him what I found, he said he had forgot the pics were there and they were a year or more old which I had also noticed on the email date , he deleted the pics and deleted the girls off Facebook and said he was sorry because he didn't mean to hurt me.

 

Still Though I feel depressed because he had told me I was the first girl he had completely felt comfortable with sexually and now it seems like maybe he made up that because I had told him that I was a virgin and that my virginity was something very precious to me, I had never slept with anyone before him ...

 

Seeing those pics have made me feel so depressed specially the blow job ones I can't get them out of my head, I have many cultural and some religious values and beliefs on sexuality as well as not such high self esteem so this is really haunting me...I love him so much and seeing him do this things and thinkin abouT him with this Other girls in this way is making me so hurt

[landsharks33]

Try having the conversation again and tell him exactly how you feel and how uncomfortable this made you. Open up and see how he responds. Ask him more questions.

[reboundstudent]

Okay here's the harsh truth: men look at porn. Men collect dirty pictures. Occasionally, those pictures might even be of girls he was involved with in the past. He did not spring forth, magically grown up, the second you met him. He has a past, that helped make him who he is. You have a past, that makes you who you are.

 

I can understand that this was a bit of a shock, but you need to not let your insecurity overrun your common sense. The emails were obviously old-before he was dating you I presume, yes? It means they are part of his past, not things from his present.

 

Okay let's say there was a guy you had a huge crush on in high school. Hypothetically, let's say he sent you a very sweet birthday card. Now maybe things didn't work out with you and your crush.. You decided you were never really in love with him, you have personality clashes, whatever. Still, wouldn't you occasionally pull out this card and have that warm reminiscing feeling? Does that mean you love your boyfriend less? NO. It means you have a pleasant memory you sometimes like to revisit.

 

I'm not sure what cultural and religious values you have around sexuality, but you need to stop seeing porn (and that's what this is, porn) as threatening. These are women from his past, pictures from events that occurred a long time before you, and they have absolutely no bearing on your current relationship with him. But if you continue to be threatened and insecure about them in the present, they will drive a rift between you, because there is NOT A SINGLE MAN who doesn't look at porn, and probably a very low minority who don't save pictures from their past.

[Brownstone322]

If the messages are in fact old, and if you don't think they're indicative of infidelity since you two have been together, then I don't think I see what the issue is. I mean, you don't think he was chaste before you met him, right?

[DN]

I think you should let this go. The fact he may be more comfortable with you sexually doesn't mean he didn't have a sex life. I think it would be a mistake to bring this up again - what purpose would it serve.

 

BTW - don't snoop in his e-mail.

[Saures]

If the messages are in fact old, and if you don't think they're indicative of infidelity since you two have been together, then I don't think I see what the issue is. I mean, you don't think he was chaste before you met him, right?

 

As true as this is, if you see pictures/images of your boyfriend and another girl, or just see he has access to such pictures, I think its a very hurtful thing and something some people find very difficult to get over. I know I would certainly be hurt if I found anything like that on my boyfriends computer or phone or email etc.

I think with iirawrz also saying she was a virgin and had never been with someone else, it is understandable to know your boyfriends past, be more or less okay with it, and then be quite hurt finding evidence and

images which express the past of your boyfriend...

I know my boyfriend gets hurt even thinking about my past.. So I can sympathize

[Jd1983]

Honestly, if they were old, he probably really did forget about them.

 

I wouldn't put so much thought into it, especially since he showed you by deleting the pics and deleting the girl off facebook.

 

Everyone has a past, as long as it's not affecting your future now, it's probably best to let it go.

[Day_Walker]

I wouldnt go any deeper down this rabbit hole because all you are doing is feeding your insecurities at this point. He deleted the pics and de-friended them on facebook.

[Brownstone322]

As true as this is, if you see pictures/images of your boyfriend and another girl, or just see he has access to such pictures, I think its a very hurtful thing and something some people find very difficult to get over. I know I would certainly be hurt if I found anything like that on my boyfriends computer or phone or email etc.

I think with iirawrz also saying she was a virgin and had never been with someone else, it is understandable to know your boyfriends past, be more or less okay with it, and then be quite hurt finding evidence andimages which express the past of your boyfriend...

I know my boyfriend gets hurt even thinking about my past.. So I can sympathize

Well, I see those points (I saw them from the outset), but you have to use your head too. If his explanation seems honest and sincere, then she has to let it go.

 

None of my various girlfriends was a virgin when I met her, and that didn't bother me. (Unlike your boyfriend, I wasn't "hurt" by the actions of women who make reasonable decisions of their own.) Now, I didn't want to actually see pics of them of having sex with any of their exes, but if I had stumbled accross such as thing, and it was truly incidental, then I'd get over it. Really, what else is there to do?

[Voguester]

I can see why you're upset, I would have wondered why he felt the need to keep those photos...I really don't think you can compare it to a sweet birthday card your high school sweetheart gave you, it's not the same thing.

 

If he still wants to look at dirty explicit pictures of an ex girlfriend, someone who he was intimate with obviously then how is that different to cheating? there has to be something going on there for him emotionally imo. I just don't think that's appropriate at all when he's in a relationship with you.

 

Yes it's fine that guys look at porn but that's just FANTASY, it's not a real woman that hes actually had a real relationship with in the past.

[nutbrownhare]

I guess most of us don't like to think about our partners having sexual relationships with others - but it's rare to encounter someone who hasn't, and the older you get, the less likely.

 

This has NO BEARING WHATSOEVER on current relationships. If the messages were over a year old, then it's quite likely he'd forgotten about them - especially as he's in such a loving relationship with you. Do you have any evidence to suggest that he's interested in looking at the pics?

 

He's told you what his feelings are for you, and you have no reason to disbelieve him. Stop torturing yourself over things which happened long before you two were together; if I'd been him I'd have been very annoyed that you'd snooped through his email when he'd trusted you with his laptop. He wasn't annoyed, and did everything he could to make you feel better. This guy really cares about you!