Wife has never trusted me since we started dating.

[Wrxrtd]

Current situation (well ongoing situation really) is that my wife has never trusted me.

 

I have never cheated on her, never even come close.

 

The short story of why she doesn't trust me is because she first thought I was interested in her flatmate because we all once spoke over email in a 3 way conversation and she then accused me at the time of emailing her flatmate privately, or wanting to email her flatmate to hook up with her. Something which never happened. Truth be told I could not stand her flatmate.

 

So anyway, she never believed me on that and always thought I was keen on her flatmate.

 

Next reason why she doesn't trust me, she went snooping through the emails on my iPhone and saw all the spam emails from dating sites/sex sites/casual hook up sites etc and immediately believed I was subscribed to all of them and was looking for hook ups on the side. Anyone with an email knows how once you register for a dating site you can all of a sudden find yourself bombarded with emails from affiliate sites that you have never even heard of much less visited. I used dating sites in the past and me and my wife met online ironically.

 

So both the above have issues have never been resolved as she still does not trust me.

 

We were dating for one year, and have been married for just over 1 year now.

 

Now, the current situation is this, my wife also snooped through my Facebook Account on my iPhone when we were dating and one of my good female friends from Australia, (my wife and I live in the UK) said she was going to go to Ibiza next summer and I said I would meet her there. Now, at the time, my wife and I were only dating, we were fighting constantly and SHE had decided to move back to South Africa to be with her family because she couldn't handle our relationship and living in the UK anymore. So basically we were together as a couple until the day she left for South Africa.

 

She saw my reply to my friend on Facebook and got upset that I has said I would like to meet her in Ibiza next summer. This is a friend of mine who I was good friends with when I used to live in Sydney, Australia and had not seen her in 2 years or more. Me and my friend had never ever hooked up in any way and it was purely a friendship and nothing more. So we had a fight about that and I told her she was out of line as this is a friend of mine and nothing more, and besides, she was leaving me to move back to South Africa so what did she care anyway when she was the one ending our relationship.

 

Fast forward to now, (after she left I went over to South Africa and we worked things out and got married there and moved back to the UK. In hindsight, possibly a big mistake!)

 

My wife and I were having a massive argument around Xmas 2010 and she was accusing me of cheating and being interested in other women etc. In the argument she mentioned the above friend and started going on about her and the fact that we talk to each other over Facebook and keep in touch. Now to set the scene this was a very very heated argument. My wife then said I was probably interested in her and I replied to my wife in anger saying yes my friend was very attractive and if I was single I would have tried to pursue her. The wrong thing to say in hindsight, but at the time I was so pissed off I wanted to say something that would piss off my wife even more as she was throwing baseless accusations at me about cheating.

 

So in an attempt to work things out and ease my wifes insecurity (which she blames on me) I just stopped replying to my friend on Facebook and we hadn't spoken in over a year. The wrong thing to do i now know as noone should tell you who you can and cannot be friends with.

 

My friend sent me a text message over the weekend saying she was coming to London in September and it would be great to catch up. My wife snooped through my phone again and saw the message and has basically given me an ultimatum.

 

She told me if I meet my friend when she comes to London in September that will be the ''last straw'' as she so eloquently put it and she will leave me!

 

Thoughts?

 

I am so mad about this I truly feel enough is enough and I am willing to walk away from it all and as I have already told my wife I will not settle for an ultimatum and will not continue on like this.

 

The problem is actually doing it. It seems so hard, throughout all the problems we have had, when it comes time to walk out, actually taking that step out the door and not looking back is the hardest part and I find myself second guessing my decision!

[hexaemeron]

Your wife sounds like an awful person. She will never change. Maybe showing her the door will cause her to rethink the way she handles relationships.

[Seraphim]

I think she has a lot of issues she is projecting onto YOU. Personally at this conjunction I would tell her that it might be good to separate until she can sort herself out. She is another snoopy snooper who is creating her own self prophesy.

[Mustachio]

Hmm, I say, let it be the last straw. Your wife clearly has issues and it seems like it isnt because of anything you are doing.

 

I wonder, what was so great that you decided to marry her because it sounds like you two are lacking everything that makes up the foundation of a good relationship.

[Seraphim]

Hmm, I say, let it be the last straw. Your wife clearly has issues and it seems like it isnt because of anything you are doing.

 

I wonder, what was so great that you decided to marry her because it sounds like you two are lacking everything that makes up the foundation of a good relationship.

 

Yes, I would not have married her for sure.

[hexaemeron]

Yes, I would not have married her for sure.

 

Maybe it was one of those "Ohh, but I'll feel so much more secure once we're married" deals. Hook, line, sinker.

[chitown9]

Your wife sounds like an awful person. She will never change. Maybe showing her the door will cause her to rethink the way she handles relationships.

 

I don't think she is an awful person, but an incredibly insecure person. OP, it sounds like you don't have any children yet. If you are up for it, marriage counseling would be the only remedy here, from my perspective. This will ultimately developing into individual counseling for your wife when the marriage counselor recogizes that the core of the problem in your marriage is her insecurity issues. Truly, I think that marriage counseling is the only option to save this situation. On the other hand, if you just don't want to go through all of that to try to remedy the situation the only option really left for you is to leave her. On the bright side, you have not started having children yet. Now would be the time to leave before you become more entangled. I wish you the best...

[In the Dark]

Your ex is so much like one of my exes.

 

Here's a run down of situations just to let you know you're not alone

Coming to immediate assumptions of cheating when I never did.

Accusing me of being at a strip club when I was with a friend resolving PC problems.

At some party hook up with other females when I was hanging out with her pregnant best friend who introduced me to her in the first place.

She wouldn't even speak to her over the phone to show her I am actually at her friends house.

Accused of hooking up with my gay friend who I have been friends with for years before her just because I was watching him play guitar hero in his bedroom, when she knows I'm straight.

I eventually had to lose contact with him during the relationship which was dumb.

I loaded up an old operating system which I had not used before her which had an actress as a wallpaper....first thing she said was "WHOS THAT!!!"

She texted my close girl buddies letting them know I was having great sex.

She was upset I had a very attractive female friend from Europe.

Had an application which failed and it says "Oh noooo" in a sexy woman's voice.....yet again she says "WHOS THAT!!"

 

Your wife will not change regardless of how irrational she may knows she is being.

[hexaemeron]

I don't think she is an awful person, but an incredibly insecure person. OP, it sounds like you don't have any children yet. If you are up for it, marriage counseling would be the only remedy here, from my perspective. This will ultimately developing into individual counseling for your wife when the marriage counselor recogizes that the core of the problem in your marriage is her insecurity issues. Truly, I think that marriage counseling is the only option to save this situation. On the other hand, if you just don't want to go through all of that to try to remedy the situation the only option really left for you is to leave her. On the bright side, you have not started having children yet. Now would be the time to leave before you become more entangled. I wish you the best...

 

Her constant invasion of his privacy and willfully visiting her own issues on him without remorse DOES make her an awful person in my estimation.

[regular joe]

I broke off an engagement because my ex fiance was like this and the closer we got to wedding day the worse it got. That's when I figured I'd skip the nupitals and went right to the divorce. (minus losing half my stuff. lol)

[Wrxrtd]

Thanks for the replies.

 

We have no children. In fact the only thing we share is the rent.

 

Funnily enough she is already seeing a hypnotherapist and has been for a couple of months now.

 

I basically convinced myself before we got married that marriage would change things for the better and would provide her with the assurance she so desperately needed to get over her insecurities. I didn't listen to family and friends at the time and just went for it.

 

Why is it so hard to leave when you know that is the best option!

[GoldRanger]

My GF does the same thing.....she told me it's because she hasn't met many of my female friends and that's why she feels the way she feels. -_- I did have a slip up some time back that probably contributed to the issue but still.

[top bloke]

Youre wife is a relationship killer. She will kill your spirit..sap your manhood and leave you looking for an affair possibly. You deserve better and seriously get some advice on leaving her. You cant breathe without her down your back...this is not a good life at all so if you can..leave.Get your peace back

[Wrxrtd]

I feel like that already.

 

She has already altered my way of thinking through her accusations.

 

All the time she would constantly accuse me of checking out other women when we were out and about when all I was doing was looking around at everyone like you do when you are out. I never looked any female up and down or ogled, barely even glanced at anyone. However because of the accusations I now feel paranoid whenever we go out together because I think she is about to go off at me and I feel like I literally have to stare at the pavement to avoid that.

 

She thinks I am attracted to my friend that wants to catch up and reckons I have chosen my friend over my wife.

 

She accuses me of watching Porn on TV late at night while she is in bed when all I am doing is playing Xbox.

 

She accuses me of reading The Sun paper just so I can check out the Page 3 Girls.

 

In all my previous relationships there has never been one ounce of insecurity issues, and now the relationship that becomes marriage ends up being plagued with it!

[hexaemeron]

I don't believe this is salvageable. She believes she owns you. Possesses you. You're only there to do for her. That's no way to live, my friend.

[george237]

One, why did you marry her? Insecurity is ugly.

 

Two, maybe she is cheating on you.

[Wrxrtd]

I thought she would get over the insecurity through marriage. How wrong I was. If anything, it has made it ten times worse.

 

I thought following her to South Africa to marry her would provide more than enough reassurance she needed. The insecurity she feels she blames 100% on me and reckons she was never insecure before she met me. I disagree with her 100% and have told her to take responsibility for it rather than pinning it all on me.

[nutbrownhare]

This is really pathological jealousy; this is the kind of issue that is taken into account when assessing people's mental illnesses. It goes way, way beyond insecurity.

 

My advice to you is to go ahead and meet your friend in London. At the very least, it will reassure you that you can have women in your life whose presence is pleasant and affirming. If your wife decides to leave you as a result - let her. You are already experiencing what it's like to be subject to someone else's paranoia, in terms of constant anxiety and loss of self esteem, and this will not get better with time - as you are already seeing.

 

Sure, it's her problem, but it's already becoming your problem and will only get worse if you let it. It would also be useful to you to ask yourself honestly why you're staying in this relationship, what you're getting out of it, and how you're going to replace the positives (I'm assuming there are some!) if and when you split up.

[PamperedChiq]

I agree with chitown9, she isnt an awful person, just full of insecurities, although, you admitted what she is saying are purely accusations and no truth to it at all, then I guess, why not ask her kindly to come with you and see this "old friend," together? Have you tried askin your wife?

 

I sincerely believe, not that I am girl that is why I am saying this, that there may have been a reason behind this, something which may have happened along the way, something that might have happened to her that you need to ask her.

 

I think best way to handle this is to really talk this out, if it takes hours to talk then do it. Do everything you can to talk to her, so when the time comes, whatever happens, there wil be no room for regrets.

[lalalollipops]

You know how cheaters project issues onto others? She might be doing things behind your back and projecting the guilt back onto you.

[Wrxrtd]

The positives, when everything is good between us and we are not arguing about an accusation or her insecurity being my fault we have a great time just being with one another.

 

The negative is that all turns in a split second when she thinks about a previous argument we had or just all of a sudden lets her insecurity take over and then she goes into a foul mood.

 

I am still undecided on whether to meet my friend or not. I will decide in mid september when my friend gets in touch and go from there. I know I shouldn't be undecided about it because it is just a friend I should not be placed in this sitation by my wife, but it is making me think whether it is worth meeting my friend.

 

The question I asked my wife was, if I don't go and meet her, what assurance do I have that you believe that I didn't meet her. You never trusted me before so why would you start now all of a sudden. And also, come mid September, any time I am out, after work drinks etc it is going to be met with the accusation that I met up with her. Then what! Will you leave me based on only what you believe and not the truth. She didn't have an answer for me.

 

I also have another friend who recently moved over to UK from Oz. He just recently got in touch and wants to meet up which I will do. I know for a fact my wife and I will argue about this as she will think I am meeting her.

 

And if I asked my wife to come along with me she would say no way. She barely enjoys coming with me to meet my family that I have based here in the UK because she is insecure about the fact that she believes she does not have anything in common with them.

[Wrxrtd]

To give you another insight into her behaviour this is what happened on our recent 3 day trip to Italy.

 

We were at the airport waiting to depart. We needed to each go to the toilet, so we both walked to the closest one we could find. The line for the female toilet was really long so she decided to walk back to the another toilet we had passed. So I went into where we were and told her I will meet her out front of the other toilet.

 

So I went in, came out and walked over the other toilets, thinking she was still in there, so I was standing around for atleast 5-8 minutes waiting, and just standing there looking around, leaning over a rail looking down to the level below. Then all of a sudden I spot her sitting accross from the railing I was looking over, I figured she already came out of the toilet before I got back becuase I would have noticed her come out as I was right outside. So I walked over to her and said ''I didnt even notice you sitting here, how long have you been waiting and did you go to the toilet?'' She said ''no I didn't bother going to the toilet and of course you didn't notice me, you were too busy watching every female that walked by!'' I just said whatever and said lets go board. And we flew to Italy without saying a word to each other.

 

I did not check out any other women. I was just standing there looking around. But she is of the opinion that any female I glance at, even if a female crosses my line of sight, then I am checking them out! Makes me so angry when she accuses me of that!!

[PamperedChiq]

Hmm.. Looks like this may really be some serious issue with insecurity you are dealing with. I thought asking her to come with you would help, but looks like you have already tried it and failed. Are you aware of her past relationships? I mean, my point here is, I just wanted to know if this is the first time she acted this way. Or do you know any of her close friends? Are you aware if this isnt the first time she acted this way?

[hexaemeron]

I'm sorry, you need to leave her. You can't compromise or make crazy see reason.

[thickfit]

She sounds like she can't be helped. Why in God's name did you think marriage would cure her personality? You should divorce her, as this is beyond saving.