Wife has never trusted me since we started dating.

[Wrxrtd]

I didnt think it ran this deep and all I thought she needed was the assurance that marriage would bring to the table.

[mrvaughn]

My girlfriend had very similar issues to the ones you describe your wife as having. We were together for over a year and split up 10 weeks ago. Although I miss her I know that our relationship could not continue.

 

A previous bf cheated on her with her best friend and this caused all sorts of paranoid behaviours in our relationship. I accepted her problems for so long before feeling that, after a year, she should have been able to trust me. Her issues run too deep to have a healthy relationship and I feel that your wife is a carbon copy of my then gf.

 

I feel for you as I managed to come to my senses before making any further commitment such as marriage. One of the deciding factors was did I feel I wanted to have children with someone who has such issues. I decided no for two reasons:

 

1. Having a child with her, specifically female, would increase the chances that my daughter would end up with the same mistrusting nature, as daughters often adopt the mindset of the mother naturally.

 

2. Having children, either son or daughter, one or a few children, would mean that should I eventually decide that my wife was not right for me and the marriage was not working, then I would feel obliged to stay with her for the kids. This would ultimately be unfair for all involved.

 

You might want to consider these points as you make your decisions.

 

Trus is the key in any healthy relationship and unfortunately yours has none...at least from her side.

[Wrxrtd]

No plans to have children. I wouldn't allow it with the way things are.

 

She said something absolutely horrible to me almost a year ago. She got upset that she knew I used to look at Porn and she blew her lid and said that she didn't want to have kids with out of fear I would turn into a Peadophile because I used to look at Porn. She then proceeded to question if I as ever abused as a child because I used to look at Porn! Then said she didnt want to have children with me in case I ever abused our own children! Can you believe that! Her way of thinking is unlike anyone I have ever met. I don't know where she gets this * * * * from.

[mrvaughn]

No plans to have children. I wouldn't allow it with the way things are.

 

She said something absolutely horrible to me almost a year ago. She got upset that she knew I used to look at Porn and she blew her lid and said that she didn't want to have kids with out of fear I would turn into a Peadophile because I used to look at Porn. She then proceeded to question if I as ever abused as a child because I used to look at Porn! Then said she didnt want to have children with me in case I ever abused our own children! Can you believe that! Her way of thinking is unlike anyone I have ever met. I don't know where she gets this * * * * from.

 

It says a lot that she relates porn to that type of (horrible) abuse. She appears not to have a rational mindset and it's a terrible thing to accuse you of when she is supposed to love you.

 

It may be time to ask what it really is that you get out of a relationship with her. As I say, my ex was a nice girl but she did not, nor would she ever, trust me. She had no reason other than she trusts noone. A relationship cannot work under those conditions, that mindset. It's a cancer that will eat away at you if you let it.

 

I was pining for her recently and was kicking myself for a lot of the things I did wrong in the relationship...and then I realised...They were born out of resentment. I did the things I did wrong because I resented her mistrust and it changed how I acted with her. I know now that I was lucky that I never stuck it out as she states that she will never change.

 

I hope you find a resolution that suits you...it's your life too.

[chitown9]

Unfortunately, it appears as though your wife is mentally ill. You have my sympathy

[20sgal88]

I'd like to hear her side of the story. It seems like there's more to it than that. Different details tend to emerge when the other party recites their version. Seeing that she's quite efficient at espionage and obtaining your password (you need that to check emails, right?) it's a reasonable assumption she did the same with her flat mate and found something that fed her suspicion. What was that, I wonder.

 

Dating, sex, and casual sites are all interrelated? I'm not too keen on that. I'd imagine there's a pretty defined line between EHarmony say, and link removed. I too, became quite disquited when I discovered my boyfriend was dabbling with the latter site. So in her mind--strike 1: you were trying to get with the flat mate and strike 2: she found nuances of shady sites on one of your devices and strike 3: a female friend has come up into the picture.

 

Technically she shouldn't have cared about the Australian friend since she was leaving you at the time but maybe she felt your behavior is the reason she had to leave in the first place. Even if you did say it out of anger you admitted your friend was very attractive and as a single man you would have pursued her. That validated every doubt your wife had in her mind about you.

 

Dictating who your partner's friends can and cannot be is not a refreshing concept, but why does your partner feel she has to do that? Why are you and her not on the same page? Is she really a psycho or are you insensitive to her feelings and nourish relationships that are not conducive with your relationship with her? What if she had a man friend she wanted to see and incidentally was on her way to meet up with him on the fringe of a breakup with you?

 

You had to have updated your friend about the situation for despite your desisting correspondence with her through Facebook she texted you. You had to give her your number in order for her to do that. You hadn’t spoken to each other for a whole year and the first thing she says to you isn’t, “What happened?” or “Where were you?” It was, “Hey, I’m coming to London, let’s catch up.”

 

This appears to be a continuation of an ongoing-exchange. You’re willing to end your marriage and essentially side with this woman over your wife. Interesting. Has your wife had trust issues in prior relationships? Maybe she was hurt so bad she has a cynical approach to life in general. Whatever the case, you appear to see her take and reaction to things through a dismissive lens.

 

In your mind, you’re the one who’s been wronged when in reality perhaps both of you are guilty. Her guilt seems to stem from her fear of losing you whereas your guilt originates from an obstinate source. Perhaps you’re inadvertently adding to her grief. I don’t know, I tend to root for the underdog. Just playing the devil’s advocate.

 

Although I do have to say, the toilet/waiting on the railing situation was a bit much of her.

[Miranona]

I agree with 20sgal... have you ever asked her what is it really that is bothering her? Did you say something or do something out of innocence that may have pulled one of her nerves? Many times, people have to have a reason for the way act towards certain people - can you think of anything that you did that may have caused this?

 

It can also be her way of calling your attention on something that is important to her that you may not be adressing - do you think youre giving her enough attention?

 

Its fairly common for women to be inscure towards other women, just the way that a couple deals with them together shapes its future. A past bf and I ended up breaking up because instead of attending to my feelings, he was focused on the subject of me being jealous and accusotary of him always flirtng / checking out other women. To me, it was really because he was being disrespectful and neglectful of my feelings and lashing out on his behavior towards other women, was my way of showing him I was hurting.

My current one eases my isecurities by telling me that he loves me, that he wants to be with me and create new experiences with me - the subject is now ME and how he feels towards me, which is exactly what I want.

[Wrxrtd]

There was no email contact between her flatmate and myself. So even if she did look through her flatmates email account there was nothing to find.

 

With all the spam emails, what I was upset was the fact that she straight away jumped to a conclusion and then did not give me the chance to explain. Not then and still to this day she does not believe me. I was accused of being guilty without being granted the opportunity to explain. I am sure she receives spam emails of the same nature aswell, and if I ever saw them I would not jump to any immediate conclusion and fly off the handle about it without properly discussing it.

 

I do not know why she has an issue if I go out to meet a friend for a drink. Not even friends. Even my own family, my cousins. She has a problem with. In her mind she is so convinced that I am most likely lying about meeting them and going to see them and am off to to do no good and meet other women. Before we got married we used to always go out and meet her friends for drinks etc. Since we got married however, this has stopped and she does not speak to these people anymore. Why? I do not know.

 

My friend from Australia, I am in no way willing to end my marriage and side with her as you put it. What I am upset about is the ultimatum I was given if I did go and meet her. FYI - I have also not met up with her. There was no contact between me and my friend for over 12 months after my wife and I got married. She had my UK number as we were friends before me and my wife met and she had my number from before I even knew my wife. The fact that her choice of words were ''hey let's catch up when I come to London'' does not in any way indicate that there is any kind of history between us other than friendship. Nor does it indicate that there are any ill intentions planned for if we did meet up.

 

Another update for you on this situation. I have another friend from Australia who I mentioned in a previous post. He has recently moved over to London to further his acting career. I said in my previous post was that when I organised to meet him and told my wife that it would be met with suspicion and she would ask if I was meeting my female friend. Well, I got in contact with my friend last week, I msgd him first to make sure it was the right number I was given. So I sent him a txt saying if this was Chris. He said yes, who is this. So then I said who I was and said I will call him after work. Anyway, so we were organizing to meet up for a drink after work on possibly Thursday, he works freelance for different television stations at the moment and doesnt know until late in the afternoon if he will be working that evening. So we tentatively said Thursday night lets meet for a drink unless he has to work. This communication took place during the day on Wednesday of last week.

So I went home that night, cooking dinner with the wife and I told her I got in touch with my friend Chris and might be meeting him tomorrow night after work for a drink if he is not working. She immediately turns and says are you sure you are not meeting my other female friend. I said yes I am sure. I would not lie to you. I then said here, take a look at the text message conversation between me and chris today. Not in an arrogant manner. I was completely calm. I held up my phone with the messages open so she could see and she refused to look and said ''Chris could be anybody. How do I know.'' I said how on earth and why on earth would I fake a text message and her response was ''I don't know''. So I left it that. I didn't end up meeting my mate on Thursday night as he had to work.

 

Friday - He msgd me saying he will be in town around 8pm that night and wanted to meet, I said I couldn't as I had organised to go and collect an item I had purchased after work and was going to go straight home. So I said msg me tomorrow and we can organize another time. I told my wife during the day that I had to go and collect the Xbox I had purchased and would be home between 8-8:30pm at the latest. I didn't finish work till 6pm. So I go and collect it, had to wait 40 minutes for the person to arrive. Got home at about 8:15pm carrying a bag with the Xbox and everything else in it. She asks me why I am home so late. I said I am not late. I told you I would be home by 8:30 tonight as I had to go and pick up the Xbox from this guy who subsequently I had to wait 40 minutes for to arrive. Her response was ''sure sure whatever'' in a tone of voice that basically says ''I dont believe a word you saying to me right now!'' Even though I am standing there with the frickin Xbox. Where the heck else would I be.

 

Saturday - My mate msgs me and said if I wanted to meet him and his GF tomorrow around 3:30 at Brick Lane. I said sure no problem. So on Sunday morning I said to my wife my friend Chris and his GF want to meet at Brick Lane today at 3:30. Would you like to come along with me and meet them? She immedaitely says ''no she would not like to come and I knew that she would say no anyway and I was only asking for the sake of it.'' So I tried to convince her to come along over and over for a good 5-10 minutes. She refused. So I said ok and left it at that. So I met my friend and his GF, we had drinks and had a laugh and caught up on old times. This is a friend I have not seen in about 5-6 years. I didnt get home till around midnight that night. Before I left that night at about 10pm I received a massive abusive txt message from my wife, I won't quote the entire text but the first line says exactly this ''Hope you intend on spending the night with whichever w*hore u spent your day with cos I don't want a filthy f*u*c*king piece of s*h*it like u sharing this bed with me!''

 

The message goes on and on about how I am a worthless useless piece of * * * * and there are plenty of men out there who are better than me and I don't even have a chance of measuring up against and so on and so on. I ignore it as I usually do with her abusice msgs and go home. I decide to sleep in the spare room when I get home. In the morning she comes in as she is getting ready for work and demands to know where i was last night and who I was with. I tell her and she doesnt believe me. I said I showed you the text msg and you refused to look at it and I can show you know if you like and she said it could be anyone, you could have planned it to look like your friend Chris and have it be someone entirely different!! She goes on and on and brings up stuff from over 12 months ago, tells me how pathetic I am, starts attacking my sister who I went to a comedy show with a few weeks back which she was also pissed off about and saying that my own sister doesn't give a * * * * about me because we are not in contact that often etc. She says I am not normal and I need to change and then says to me ''the next time your mum msgs me on facebook you can tell her what is happening at Xmas because I might not be around anymore.'' My mum is planning on coming over at Xmas from Australia for a month or so and we were talking about spending Xmas in Ireland and my mum msgd my wife to ask her if she would like that and if she can get time off work.

 

So as it stands now, we have not spoken since Monday morning since she came in and went off her head at me.

[Wrxrtd]

For those of you asking about her previous relationships, she has told me in the past that those relationships were fine and she was not insecure and those men did not make her feel insecure. She usually tells me this in the process of telling me how I am to blame for all her insecurities and trust issues.

 

Her longest previous relationship was 5 years and she walked out on him because she said she did not love him anymore.

 

She also does not speak to her dad anymore and pretty much hates him and her mum is currently in the process of divorcing him. Her dad was present through most of her childhood and the times she does speak about him when she was much younger she has nothing but praise for him as he provided for the family etc.

[mrvaughn]

Dude This...is...awful. I don't think you can win here. She is controlling, obsessive and paranoid. It shouldn't be she who is mad at you. It is you who should be furious with HER. There is NO EXCUSE for her behaviour.

 

Whatever you decide to do, just remember that you are not at fault here...she is !! (100% her fault)

[20sgal88]

Wow. I had to ask the digging questions, you know? Just in case. She does sound like a nut case, though. It doesn't seem you're guilty because you are vexed enough about it you feel the need to vent to a relationship advice site. You type quite a bit too. And if I’m able to judge accurately from all that, you seem innocent to me.

 

She just sounds nuts. I understand having a certain degree of cynicism but she’s ridiculous. She’s got problems. I don’t know why or how but she needs to talk to somebody—a professional. Maybe dissolving the marriage/relationship would be the best. She’s ornery and contrary.

 

I wasn’t buying your story at first because I know how men can be sometimes but after your ample explanation, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It gives me headache thinking about it. Maybe she’ll be happier without you; she’s volatile towards you enough. * * * * , I think you’d be happier without HER. Enough is enough, crazy lady.

 

I understand if you had lied to her before or acted shady in the past she wouldn’t trust you. But you can barely breathe, blink or fart without her being suspicious. It exhausted me reading that, I can’t imagine living with her and dealing with that on a day-to-day basis.

 

I NEVER thought I’d say this, cuz I usually side with the female that’s jealous thinking the male is somehow at fault due to my past experiences, but she needs to CHILL OUT.