Boyfriend doesn't make me feel special...?

[Allyo]

My boyfriend doesn’t make me feel special. I know, that sounds like a big deal and that I should probably break up with him. But the thing is that sometimes I doubt myself and I wonder if I am the problem or if he is at fault.

 

We started living together relatively soon after dating. I know, it sounds like a bad idea. But he had to move out of his place and hadn’t found a new apartment yet, and so he began to live with me as sort of a temporary arrangement at first. We have been together since around January of this year. The relationship got off to a slow start but has been slowly and steadily progressing, which is unlike any other relationship I have ever had.

 

Now there are so many things I love about him! He is a great guy in a lot of ways. He is intelligent, good-looking, and dedicates himself to really noble causes as part of his work. We do genuinely have a good time together, and as time has gone on I have noticed that he has slowly opened himself up more and more. He has told me that he loves me, but I sometimes feel as if he feels pressured to say it (as in I don’t always feel like he is being genuine).

 

I have brought up the fact that I don’t feel special on at least three separate occasions. The conversations never went very well, and he pretty much ended up saying the same things each time. According to him, he has been single for a while and is used to being alone, and that he just isn’t that affectionate of a person. But he says he does do things for me, and just the fact that he is with me is saying a lot. He even suggested that the problem was within myself and my OWN insecurities, because he has never done anything to prove that he isn’t worthy of my trust or doesn’t want to be with me.

 

And the truth is that he does treat me well, but in a weird way I feel like it is the bare minimum. Never once has he brought me flowers, he hardly ever texts or calls (but now it is also a lot different since we live together and see each other every day).

 

I am worried that my own insecurities are the problem. Earlier on in my life I certainly felt incapable of being loved, but my self-esteem has improved a lot over the last couple of years. Or I wonder if my idea of a relationship is just so unreasonable that he can’t live up to my expectations. Or is this really a bad sign that I don’t feel special or loved and that I should break up with?

 

I wish I weren’t living with him. I think it would break my heart that much more to have to break up with him AND kick him out of my apartment…

[magnoliatree]

How long have you two been together? He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but you two sound incompatible. People have different needs in relationships and it doesn't sound like he can or is willing to try to meet yours.

[annie24]

I think a lot of men just don't have that "romantic gene." does he do other things for you? like if you need something from the store, does he go and get it for you? does he clean up after himself? there are many ways that he can show his care for you than flowers. do you think that he really doesn't care for you, or that he cares, but just isn't very demonstrative in a romantic way?

[ChicoShadow]

I don't really feel that it is his job to make you feel "special". There are many men who buy their girlfriends flowers and then treat them like crap. You say that he treats you well...that should mean more than what he buys you. Some people truly have a harder time expressing their feelings and showing affection. I say give him some time. If he starts to treat you bad, leave. If you feel like you are not compatible, leave. But life is not a romance movie, book, or song. People often let their idea of what a relationship should be get too formed by what they see on tv or by fairy-tales. I feel that is unfair to say you have a self-esteem issue but I would venture to say that your idea of relationships is a little skewed and idealized.

[Allyo]

How long have you two been together? He doesn't sound like a bad guy, but you two sound incompatible. People have different needs in relationships and it doesn't sound like he can or is willing to try to meet yours.

 

This is my exact worry! I also thought that maybe we were just incompatible long-term. What sort of bugs me is that although I have brought up this whole situation more than once with him I don't feel like he has made an effort to make me feel more special. I certainly don't want to change him, but I believe that compromise is sometimes necessary.

[Allyo]

I think a lot of men just don't have that "romantic gene." does he do other things for you? like if you need something from the store, does he go and get it for you? does he clean up after himself? there are many ways that he can show his care for you than flowers. do you think that he really doesn't care for you, or that he cares, but just isn't very demonstrative in a romantic way?

 

I guess I would have to say that he does do little things. Above all he treats me well, although not very romantically. I think maybe my problem is that he isn't very demonstrative.

[magnoliatree]

I think it all just depends on the two people. Some men aren't romantic at all, some are sometimes, some are very romantic. Some women won't care at all, some will care a bit, some will get upset. Where you two fall on those scales is about how compatible you are. We can tell you not to care or that it's not a big deal, but for you it is. I was in a similar situation before and ended up leaving him because I felt that my needs weren't being met. Since then I've met tons of great guys who have been able to give me what I needed naturally. I don't think that what you want is unreasonable, but I also know that not all men will be able to deliver it. How important it is to you, is for you to decide.

[Day_Walker]

It seems to me that making a person feel special is a vicious cycle and it never stops. I think that you have to take him as the person he is, if you want romance then this guy isnt the one for you.

[guynextdoor]

May I ask do you make him feel special?

[Allyo]

I don't really feel that it is his job to make you feel "special". There are many men who buy their girlfriends flowers and then treat them like crap. You say that he treats you well...that should mean more than what he buys you. Some people truly have a harder time expressing their feelings and showing affection. I say give him some time. If he starts to treat you bad, leave. If you feel like you are not compatible, leave. But life is not a romance movie, book, or song. People often let their idea of what a relationship should be get too formed by what they see on tv or by fairy-tales. I feel that is unfair to say you have a self-esteem issue but I would venture to say that your idea of relationships is a little skewed and idealized.

 

The flowers were just an example, but it wouldn't take material things or presents to make me feel special. I think that the little things are important too. I do agree with you that sometimes we have really unrealistic ideals about how a romantic relationship should be. Sometimes I feel so confused about it! I think the point is that I should be trying to create a unique relationship with this man and not base it on some standard. Sometimes my insecurities just get the best of me...

[Allyo]

It seems to me that making a person feel special is a vicious cycle and it never stops. I think that you have to take him as the person he is, if you want romance then this guy isnt the one for you.

 

Yeah, I can see that... I think it can create a lot of expectations, like oh I did this for him, now he owes me something too...

[Allyo]

May I ask do you make him feel special?

 

That's an interesting question... I actually really enjoy spoiling the people I care about! I used to do little things, bring him his favorite beer, cook a surprise dinner, etc... but I feel like lately I have sort of been holding back. I don't want to come accross as sort of too much if he isn't reciprocating.

 

But I guess I am sort of assuming that the same things that make me feel special would make him feel special. So what exactly makes a guy feel special anyways?? Haha.

[lapse]

There has been some research on how people have different ways of expressing and feeling love. You might want to look at link removed

 

It may just be that the two of you show love differently and probably do so because the gestures that make you *feel* loved are different, as well. Once you understand what your preference is and how his differs, if you're both willing to work on it, this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker.

 

Actually, therein lies an important question - do you not feel loved or do you not feel special?

I was with one guy that made me feel invisible. Like he didn't think there was anything different or unique about me. It's like he didn't appreciate who I was at all. Anyway, that relationship didn't really happen!

[Ms Darcy]

I don't really feel that it is his job to make you feel "special". There are many men who buy their girlfriends flowers and then treat them like crap. You say that he treats you well...that should mean more than what he buys you. Some people truly have a harder time expressing their feelings and showing affection. I say give him some time. If he starts to treat you bad, leave. If you feel like you are not compatible, leave. But life is not a romance movie, book, or song. People often let their idea of what a relationship should be get too formed by what they see on tv or by fairy-tales. I feel that is unfair to say you have a self-esteem issue but I would venture to say that your idea of relationships is a little skewed and idealized.

 

I agree with this. I think you might want to clearly list out for yourself what "make me feel special" means. Aka flowers, candy, etc. Then ask yourself why you want that and what are your top three that you'd really like to receive from him.

 

Ultimately, though, I think living together is the not so subtle killer of romance. How can he miss you and feel compelled to show that love symbolically if you are always around?

[hexaemeron]

Ah, Allyo, we're back here again. You really do seem like a nice girl, but this whole "Pretty Woman" thing you've got here is not good. You're special. I know it, because you're a fellow human being and we're all special. You know it because you want someone else to show you that HE knows it. You know what's funny though? You know how he tells you're your special everyday?

 

He wakes up every morning and actively choosing to continue being your boyfriend and a positive presence in your life. He's not dating anyone else. He's not looking for love. He's found his special person: you!

 

To me (like I've said in your previous threads), it sounds like you have a very romcom idea about these things and you want what you saw in the movies. Life... is not a Hollywood movie and the sooner you realize that and learn to objectively view your relationships and interactions with people, the more secure and confident and yes, even special you shall feel.

 

I hope this helps.

[FathomFear]

Yes, the Princess Complex can really dominate some people to an extreme. I would really focus on what's important. If you have a happy/respectful/engaging relationship with someone that works well on a day-to-day basis, it really shouldn't matter if the person is lavishing you periodically with some "romantic" gestures. Because as another poster mentions, countless people out there who do these gestures fail in the day-to-day parts of the relationship (which is probably one of the reasons why they feel the need to impress).

[oldenoughtoknow]

I agree with what's been said. I think there are a few issues here. The first is your insecurity, need for validation and a high level of attachment. That's something you should explore and work on. The other is, after three mentions, his lack of response to your concerns. It's true that living together can be a romance killer, but I think it's very telling that he hasn't made any effort. It doesn't sound like you're asking for much. He could pick a flower for you from the neighbor's garden on his way home from work. All better. Given this dynamic, I think you have a difficult road ahead. You may have some things to explore, but there are men out there who would be a much better match for you.

[lana111]

i was in a great relationship with a great guy. except that he didnt make me feel special. i always went above and beyond; he didnt. gifts, actions, words, all that jazz i did. i talked to him about it a few times. he would always say he was sorry, that he loved me and would make an effort. he wouldnt, id adress it again months later, and the same thing would happen again. it seemed he wasnt "the one" so i left.

 

you know what is was? he wasnt sure how he felt about me at the time. he later realized i was the one after it was too late. all that stuff i wanted came once he realized what he felt towards me. the words, the actions, the thoughtfullness... they were now all there.

 

sorry that there is no advice here, just letting you know my experience...

[cookiedoh]

I think you're always going to be disappointed and unhappy unless you feel special. There's nothing wrong with feeling special. You don't seem like the kind of person who needs to feel special 24/7; otherwise, you would have already ditched this guy. This guy is not an ogre. That's why it's hard to leave him. He gives you some things you need, like companionship. However, it's not enough, and it never will be. Personally, I'd give it one last try at communicating what I need with the resolution that I would end it if I did not get it. If/when you do talk to him again, tell him as concretely as possible what you want. He needs to know the exact behaviors you're looking for. Then if he gives you any of them (and you should see new behavior within the week), you've got to reinforce it right away by telling him that you like it and that he did good. On rare occasions, people do "wake up" and realize the value of what they have and try to do something to keep it, but sadly, my money is on this guy's heart not really being into it. I don't say that to hurt you. It's just that when a guy wants something, he makes a good effort. A book that might help you understand your differences and what you need from a relationship is Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. It also explains why it's so hard to end an unhappy or unsatisfying relationship.

 

Good luck. I know it's hard. If you don't get what you want, I hope you leave sooner rather than later, or you will only regret that you stayed too long.