Am I being unreasonable?

[hippychick11]

My boyfriend and are long distance right now, we live in different countries. I recently have the opportunity to move to his city and get a job which Im very excited about. My boyfriend is reluctant about this however and says he doesn't know what he will be doing in that time, he doesn't have a job at the moment and says he might not even have his unit to live in, he might go and live with his family.

I say that's fine but it worries me because I dont have a place to stay when I get there and I can't afford hotels or anything like that, I was really relying on staying with him for the first couple of weeks at least, he originally had offered that I could do this and I am his girlfriend.

 

He got snappy the other night when we talked about it and said something like 'dont worry i won't be doing nothing, ill be looking for work okay'...like I was his nagging wife trying to get him to find work which is ridiculous, I have no interest in whether he wants to work or not. I just would have liked to be able to stay with him for a little while until I earn enough money to get my own place.

 

Am I being unreasonable? I'm not pressuring him to get a job at all and I don't know how else to express this to him. I dont want him to resent me when I get there and for this to come between us, it would be awkward living in his place if he thinks I had made him get a job to pay the rent.

[superfox]

Hippy, I've followed your story but this sounds like he really REALLY doesn't want you to move over there at all

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree with superfox. My long distance fiance would jump on any and every chance (if it was reasonable) for me to move in with him. I don't think you should assume it's going to be you movingi n with him - I would go ahead and plan for you to stay else were.

[catfeeder]

Don't make any plans you can't fund independently. That positions you in deep doo doo when things do go as planned, and they never do. That's why people save up emergency funds and create a Plan B. If you can't afford to do that, then you can't afford the move.

 

Work where you live, and move somewhere else only when YOU can afford to pull that off.

[saturn1983]

I am in a LDR myself and in the end I always see it as you and your partner are a team who BOTH make an effort. Me and my boyfriend would have a friggin' PARTY if a chance like this would arrive.

 

I find it a little alarming that he isn't helping out but it could be anything. I dont want to instantly say something is wrong, maybe he is just scared of the unknown. Try sitting down with him and discussing it and really focus on how you feel and try to remain positive (despite his reaction) so you won't distract him and he can answer your questions.

 

Good luck girl!

[lady00]

If he is currently unemployed then I think it's perfectly reasonable for him not to want you to move in with him. If he is not even sure he can continue to afford his own place, it doesn't make sense for you to move in with him when he is in a precarious situation. If he has the opportunity to move back in with his family, that sounds to me like it makes the most sense financially. If you want to move out there then you should wait until you have the means to fully support yourself including renting your own place. As a general rule, this is just a good idea because you never know what could happen and you have to be prepared for the worst case scenario.

 

Why can't you get a place before you move out there? Is it because you can't get vacation time from your current job to look at rental places in the new location? Could you take unpaid time off to do this? I say this because I know lots of people who are moving or have recently moved and they all found apartments in their new cities before moving. A friend of mine is moving accross the country next month and she found an apartment a few weeks ago and signed the lease. If money is the issue, can you get an advance from the employer you will be working for in the new city? Have you asked them about relocating and for suggestions on places to look? I don't know what kind of employer it is, but my last employer was willing to help me figure out relocation stuff (even pay for it--but I realize that many employers will not pay the expenses) and would send me emails about apartments that were available (for instance, if someone currently working there needed to move, they might let the employer know that and I would get an email saying that the place was available for a sublet or for someone to take over the lease). Of course that depends entirely on the employer but it would not hurt to ask for leads about where to look for apartments/rental properties and how the rental market works over there.

 

I have heard of some cases in which people were not able to rent because they did not have pay stubs from the new job yet to show the landlord that they could afford the place. But I also know people in the same situation who were able to secure apartments in NYC (perhaps the most difficult rental market with some of the most stringent requirements in terms of income) without having any pay stubs to show yet (although they did have offer letters from the new employer, I believe, and they were able to refer the landlord to the HR department of the new employer to prove that they actually had the job and income they claimed to have).

[Ariel85]

Hippy - is this the guy who after years of online chatting, told you he might have time for a quick coffee when you came to the US from Oz?

 

I said it then, and I'll say it again. He's so not on the same page, so not a BF, and going to continue to disappoint you the more you kid yourself this is more than an online penpal.