Anonymous3 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 I was here almost two years ago, trying to deal with my breakup. I just stumbled back accross this website going through my old computer, and thought I would share a little encouragement to those who are in the position I was in then; sometimes it works out! After 9 months of not hearing from my then ex, I got a message. The message was followed by conversation, and then seeing each other in person again for the first time in almost a year. I had lost all hope. I went the no contact route, and always screwed up; however, my screw ups actually helped. Although I received no response, she got them...and saved them. We are now engaged to be married next year, and have been back together for a little over a year now. Never in a million years would I have thought then that it would work out this way, but I was wrong! For the sake of keeping my past in the past, I won't dredge up my old posts...you can read them if you click my username. The point is, when I was trolling these forums for glimmers of hope, I held on to stories like this one. Now I have my own to tell! Good luck to you all! Link to comment
AutumnBorn Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Congratulations. I love a happy ending. Link to comment
blackhawks1287 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You left out the juicy details of why she broke it off with that other guy and how she ended up coming back to you... But good luck man, wish you all the best and thanks for the story! Link to comment
Anonymous3 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 We both saw other people, and honestly it doesn't matter. I debated deleting the account here just so my sob story wasn't out there floating around, but then I thought about all of the ones I read and found hope in when I was going through a rough time...and thought it would be a bit selfish of me. In the end, it was actually good for both of us. We discovered what we liked, and didn't like, wanted and didn't want in other people, and that has allowed us to avoid making mistakes this second time around. The first was pretty much the first long term thing either of us had ever had. The best advice I can give is to always be honest...even if you do break your no contact thing. If you break it, DONT break it with a "Fine then, I'm better off without you" message or something...no burned bridges. If you're always honest, it can't do anything but help you. If you write a message in anger, that's what the recipient will remember..and then it really will be a done deal. If you need to vent, vent your feelings of love...nothing else. After all, you're never really mad at the other person...you're usually mad at yourself, trying to figure out what you did wrong, because you want the other person back. Either way, there is no strategy to this. I tried all of the methods I read about here, and it turns out that it was just time that needed to pass. If it was meant to be, it really will be! If not, it's for the best. Pretty weird how the Universe tends to balance itself out. Link to comment
Robin2904 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Good for you man! Congrats! It's nice to read stories like this, but also I think it's important for me not to invest in this and think 'Well look if it happened for him it can happen for me!' and sit around hoping and waiting for it to go like that. In the beginning I would read stories of getting back together and try to relate myself to it and convince myself it would work out that way for me too. Wrong. I think this is just an example of plain and simple- life. Life is funny, you never know what is going to happen. People are people and we change our minds, we change what we want. Someone can hate you one minute, then time can pass and you can go back to being the best of friends like nothing has happened. Same thing with relationships. People can fall out of love, even end things very badly, not want that person anymore, move on.....but life has a funny way of coming full circle and bringing things back to a place you never thought you would be in. Not always, but if it is MEANT to be it WILL be. It's important to realize that. But don't sit around waiting for it. Live your life everyone. Go NC, or don't go NC but still live for YOU. Forget about your ex, go on with your life. If it it meant to happen with them then life will work it out for you. Now I just have to listen to my own advice right? lol Nice to hear this story though!! It is always nice when things work of for someone and they come back and post about it! Wish you guys all the best! Link to comment
Robin2904 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 You pretty much summed up everything I said in my post lol. Great advice man and very very true! Link to comment
sunnz Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Pretty weird how the Universe tends to balance itself out. As my motto in life is...Let the Universe lead the way !!! And I believe those emotions you displayed to her...brings more depth to the other person...I know it sounds bizarre but I have only felt a connection and vice versa when theres been some emotional turmoil...not talking about the needy stuff but the loyalty that comes from our hearts...after time these memories do cross exes minds... it's what lingers... Congrats !! Link to comment
hausser Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Cool post. I don't think I'll ever get back with my ex but recons' do happen a bit more than are represented here IMO. Link to comment
magnoliatree Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 If you're always honest, it can't do anything but help you. If you write a message in anger, that's what the recipient will remember..and then it really will be a done deal. If you need to vent, vent your feelings of love...nothing else. After all, you're never really mad at the other person...you're usually mad at yourself, trying to figure out what you did wrong, because you want the other person back. This is actually great advice for life, not just breakups! Link to comment
boyblue Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 Hi Got a couple of questions for you: What was message she sent you after the 9 months? What was it like meeting up again? Did she dish dirt on why she ignored you was it just that she required "space"? What messages did you send her that she never replied too? BB Link to comment
ngu11 Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 What an amazing post. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective and experience. It really cheered me up to know that you've received so much happiness from something that brought so much pain! Wishing you all the best for the future! Link to comment
Anonymous3 Posted July 11, 2011 Author Share Posted July 11, 2011 Hi Got a couple of questions for you: What was message she sent you after the 9 months? What was it like meeting up again? Did she dish dirt on why she ignored you was it just that she required "space"? What messages did you send her that she never replied too? BB Basically, it was "I've thought a lot about you lately, and I've sorted out what I needed to sort out. I'd love to catch up, but if not I understand." Those are not by any means the exact words, but the point is the same. I don't want to put too much detail into any of this...heck, I created an account called Anonymous3. A very tragic thing happened in her life (read my older posts) and she was working through it. People have different ways of coping, and hers was to just shut people out. I was quite literally about to lose my mind when my phone jingled, and I saw the email saying she'd sent me a message. I was actually with the girl I was dating at the time, and that is the only thing out of the whole ordeal that I really feel awful about. I had to break off a rebound relationship that had gotten quite serious on the outside...but on the inside I was basically just forcing myself to make it work with someone I really didn't love, because I thought it was my best shot. Something's better than nothing, that sort of thing. I did break it off, and it was extremely painful; mainly because I knew what I had gone through, and here I was about to put someone through the same thing. Right or wrong, I started distancing myself, and acting like a bit of an ass so she could at least be angry with me. She's with someone else, we ended on decent terms, and we're both better off for it. So suffice it to say, I was extremely shocked. Remember that I went 9 months without a single word with my now fiance, so I had completely given up. All that was left were the occasional dream, memory I'd find in my house, familiar place I'd drive by...but it was fading away. The first time we saw each other, we went for a walk. You know you're really in love with someone when, after being ignored for 9 months, you're not angry with them at all the first time you meet. Trust me, I probably wrote 900 pages of emails in my mind, varying in their degrees of "Go **** yourself." I will say this; the BEST coping mechanism I found during the entire course of those 9 months, was Notepad in Windows. I would type out what I wanted to say, read it a few times, and then delete it and start over. This way, you get it out, but never send it. You don't really mean it; getting angry like that and sending hateful messages is your way of putting yourself back in control. You have the last word, and in a way, you feel like you're the one who's officially ending it...rather than the one who got dumped. Anyhow, we picked right back up where we left off. Same old inside jokes, same conversations, it was like those 9 months just never happened. I am amazed to this day at how I've just completely forgotten that period of time. I was an absolute wreck, as low as you can feel in life, and now I'm happier than I've ever been. Of course we still have our tussles and arguments, but that's going to happen. We have conversations with the understanding that we might get pissed off at each other. One good strategy is to have tense conversations while driving; make an agreement to finish it and leave it in the car. But, that's going to happen. Relationships without fights and arguments are doomed...because one day, it's all going to come out. Sort of like shaking up a coke, and then popping the top. It really does sadden me that things won't turn out like this for everyone. I imagine I know what it feels like to hit the lottery, because I still have to pinch myself from time to time. But now I can hold her hand, feel the ring on her finger, and I know it's real. I'll end this one there, because I honestly could go on forever. But this is what I looked for when I was going through this; people who had been apart for similar periods of time, been given the same breakup lines (I need space, just need time, etc.) anything that had similarities to my situation. I could relate to those, and they made me feel like that light I was seeing at the end of the tunnel was just the other end, and not a freight train's headlight coming at me. I'm all for answering questions though. Hell, maybe one day I'll even show her all of this just for the sake of honesty...she knows everything else! If I didn't think that reading my old posts would make her feel absolutely awful, I would have by now. That's the main reason I'm trying to keep this detail free. I don't ever want her to have to revisit that time, and start feeling guilty. The past is the past, and in the future we get married. That's all that needs to be said! Link to comment
Chuck Bartowsk Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Anonymous3, Congratulations mate! It is really refreshing to read a happy ending for a change. There are far to many people on here that keep repeating the same retoric "move on" ""they're not coming back" "They don't love you any more that's why they left". This is supposed to be a support group for people to share their heart breaks and their happy endings. I thank you sincerely for sharing yours and one day I hope to share mine. May God bless your union! Link to comment
boyblue Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Anonymous Thanks for posting replies to my Qs. My ex done/is doing the same thing with me - silence, we did have low contact after BU but it went no where. Your story is something I can kind of relate to regarding the silent treatment. I think it is a horrible thing to ignore someone - unless they done something really bad to you. I think you didn't have any real fall out or name calling etc or mind games with your ex and it looks like she did go through some sort of trauma. Like you did I have basically given up hoping that we may get back one day (6 months now) but I think they way my RL ended has probably sealed it's fate and she will never come back. There was nothing really nasty said we just ended up texting silly statements to each other with a sort of low-level aggressiveness, and she went into mind game overdrive, which I got annoyed with + I acted a bit wussy and well strange post BU. Notepad was kind of my way of getting through it as well, I would type out all these things I wanted to say and all about the situation, how I felt, how I think she felt etc. I also used to type out emails then delete, don't know how many times I done that! I agree with what you are saying about having the last word, it is always been my intention to phone and do this but I have deleted her number and can't remember it - she won't answer anyway. I sent her an email a few weeks ago basically saying that although we aren't talking I don't really think either of us wanted it that way but if you still feel the same I will respect that and leave it there. Of course I got no reply from her and do not ever expect to - I can handle that now, 3 months ago I would have went into a depression for about 2 weeks if I didn't get a response. She knows I want to get my oar in but she aint budging! Actually reading what she said I would be kind of annoyed her saying that after 9 months as if you have been waiting on her and talking is completely on her terms. I know people deal with things in different ways but say you are married and then something happens will she divorce you for 9 months till she gets over it? Anyway glad to hear things worked out for you and I can imagine how happy you must feel. BB Link to comment
mhowe Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Anonymous - -congrats! I am in the process of similar experience, though we aren't engaged. Same thing though -- major stressor in his life, and his coping mechanism was to shut me out. Luckily, only (ha) lasted 3.5 months, and we've been back together for 3 months now. I used the old fashioned legal pads --- filled 3 of them!!! Link to comment
LostKat Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Anonymous3, congratulations. It's nice to hear stories like this. I wish you all the best. Link to comment
NCforME Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I had lost all hope. I went the no contact route, and always screwed up; however, my screw ups actually helped. Although I received no response, she got them...and saved them. This is one thing I would like to point out. People get to down on themselves here when they send a message and they get no response. The only problem would be if your still sending them messages a year later every two weeks. Just about everybody breaks NC so people shouldn't be to hard on themselves. But you should be slowly detaching yourself. Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Great story! Thank you for coming back to ENA! Wishing you all the best!! Link to comment
Anonymous3 Posted July 13, 2011 Author Share Posted July 13, 2011 Anonymous Actually reading what she said I would be kind of annoyed her saying that after 9 months as if you have been waiting on her and talking is completely on her terms. I know people deal with things in different ways but say you are married and then something happens will she divorce you for 9 months till she gets over it? Anyway glad to hear things worked out for you and I can imagine how happy you must feel. BB You have to put those feelings aside. We were starting fresh; I was, and had always been (while we were apart) in live with her. Did I give her a tiny hard time about it, and still make little jokes now and then? Yeah. But never would I bring it up to guilt her. Honestly, it took the same amount of courage for her to write to me, as it did for me to pour my heart out to her when I broke NC. Link to comment
aev Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. Congratulations, and good luck in your future Link to comment
foreverscorned Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 i'm glad you shared this with the forums. it made me happy reading it. i hope everything works out for you guys until the end. Link to comment
Miss my Heart Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 I read this and I have hope that my ex-boyfriend will be able to cope with his stuff. We're still in contact...but not sure if that's healthy. It's been 2 months since we broke up. I miss him greatly but want to give him the space and time he has asked for. “If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.” - Richard Bach Any advice on what I should do to let him know I still care but want him to do what he needs to do? Link to comment
fullofregret Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 This is so good to hear. Congratulations x Link to comment
RandoGuy Posted July 21, 2011 Share Posted July 21, 2011 Anonymous3: Thank you so much for coming back on here. I read through your story and it is incredibly similar to mine. Back in one of your first posts, you said: "It really just sucks not knowing if she's lying, and taking the easy way out by stringing me along, making me somehow feel sympathetic that she has to do this, or if she genuinely just needs some time alone to find herself again..." I'm in the same exact position right now. I got the "I don't want to keep you in limbo", "I need time", "I'm confused", blah blah. All I can do is trust that she's being honest, she was just getting out of a long-term relationship and we pretty much hit it off from the get go. She freaked out once it hit her that we were in a fullblown relationship, and I think she needed to take a step back. But it also seems to be an 'easy out' for her to say this to avoid hurting my feelings. I'm on day 3 of not reaching out to her, and it definitely sucks. Just wanted to see if you ever got an answer to your question... Thanks in advance. Link to comment
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