Miss my Heart

So here it is 25 days of NC. You said you wanted the same things as me. You said you wanted to work this out, but I lay myself bare to you and nothing. 25 days of nothing. I hate that I'm still hurt by you. You, who I thought was the love of my life. I saw myself growing old with you. But it won't happen because you have walked away. I want to forget you. I want to scrub the last 3 years from my mind and heart. I hurt so much and I want it to stop. I know that the pain today is because of the rejection I am feeling. How could you encourage me to open up and show you all of myself and then quit? How could you tell me that I was the person you loved the most in the world and then decide to stop? I want to stop. I hate that you're stubborn. I hate that you think I wanted out. I hate that your mom thought it was best to tell me to be patient. I don't want to wait. You aren't waiting. You are moving on. You are living your life...ok I'm living mine too but I want you in mine and you don't want me in yours. So that's all the story book has written for us. The End was spelled out loud and clear on August 7th. My heart aches for the loss. I feel like i've been hit in the stomach over and over. I'm lying on the ground and I it feels as if I can't pick myself up. You made me happy. You said I made you happy. What happened? What changed? Why the need to prove you could do things on your own? You are a 39 year old man and you met me when you were 36, for 36 years you were alone. What changed that you didn't want to create a life with me? Is it me? Is it you? Does having someone in your life that you care about and that cares about you really such a scary thing? Why must you do it alone? Alone is scary but easy. Maybe you want easy. I hate myself for being so upset that you are gone from my life. I hate that I have allowed you to make me feel like I'm not good enough. I hate that I feel sick when I realize you have rejected me and moved on. I know deep down that I deserve better then you. I am a beautiful, smart, genuinely happy woman, who will be better then good when it is all said and done. You will be lonely and find that you keep getting older and the 20 something bar * * * * s will start to find you creepy and not charming. I am the one woman who loved you for all of you. I accepted your flaws and found them endearing. I allowed you vent about work and I accepted your procrastination. I am the best thing you will ever have lost. I made you a better man. I will pick myself up. I will be over you. I will be happy and love again. You have not broken me, only knocked me down for a 9 count. Someday I'll do the forgive thing but to day I hate you.

NC is so hard. I had to start over because he called me last Friday. Then I talked to him Monday and Tuesday. Wednesday I was at a funeral, he knew I was there and sent me a text saying "smile kiddo". It made me miss him even more. So I'm on day 2 again. I love him. I miss him. I dreampt he was hold me this morning. But all I want is for him to be out of my head and heart. This is too hard. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to want him anymore. He quit on me, he broke my heart and I just want to move on.

You are soooooo hurtful. You say I love you but then say you don't want to be with me! You say you are figuring you stuff out then you say you need more time and space. You won't forgive me for saying mean things when I was drunk. You've held onto that night for 4 months. I am tired. If I hurt you that bad then stop calling me. Stop telling me it'll be ok. Stop being nice. Just let me walk away too. I love you so much! I miss you soooo much! All I want is to come home to you and be happy but it won't ever happen. It can't ever happen. You are not the type of man to forgive and that isn't healthy. You're 39 years old and acting like a kid. You say people close to you always hurt you the most Well No * * * * Sherlock! That happens. Ask anyone. There isn't a person out there that hasn't been hurt by a loved one yet there are millions of people in loving realtionships. What to know why? Because they forgive the ones that hurt them. I keep trying tofigure out what you want, but I honestly don't think you have a clue so how whoould I? At first I think it can't be just that night because who breaks up over one drunk night, but then why hold on? Why say you want to try again? The I think you want to try again, but if you want to try why aren't we? If I hurt you so bad then why are you still texting and calling me? Please stop. Please go away! I don't want to love you any more. I don't want to miss you anymore. I don't want to feel bad about the past or think about what our future should have been. I am done talking to you and I no longer want you in my live, in my head, or in my heart!!!

I'm starting again. He called me on Friday night. I ignored the first call and answered the second one. We talked for over an hour. I am the dumpee and have wanted to try again. He has told me he needs time and space. Friday night I said "what you want and what I want are different". He responded with "our wants aren't that different". He said he didn't think I was ready for everything. I told him "I saw myself married to you, growing old with you. You are who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with". He responded with, "You're going to say that now? You never said it before." I told him it was becasue he always seemed so against marriage, I figured it would happen when he (we) were ready and I didn't feel it was neccesary to push the topic. We'd been together 3 years and I knew after 1 that he was who I wanted. When we fought back in March he says I made him feel the smallest he's ever felt. I hurt him that bad. But it took him two months to decide he wanted to breakup and now 2 months after the BU he is still saying I love you and crap! Well yesterday we talked again. I was thinking, hey we made progress Friday. Nope, I was wrong...he totally back tracked and said he didn't think saying I love you was a good idea becasue he didn't want to mess with my head. I am sooooo tired of being confused by what he says. I tired of hurting because he has my heart on a sting and keeps dragging it along. I know I messed up in March. I apologized for my actions and have taken steps to prevent being that hurtful again. Not just with him but in general. Deep down I know he loves/cares about me but I can no longer feel bad about the past. I didn't cheat, I didn't physically hurt him, we had been drinking and I got mad and said mean things...but so did he. I chalked it up to drunk and frusterated and he has held on, I believe he is choosing not to forgive me. It doesn't seem fair that I should suffer for months after one drunk fight. He is letting go and I cna't change that. I want to be happy again. I want to get up in the morning and not cry! I want to be able to go through my days without thinking about him and hoping today will be the day he'll call. I told him last night that I had to be done, that I had to move on and be happy. He said I understand, text me later when you're done with ball. I told him, no I mean I can't keep doing this and talking to you. He said but I want to still talk to you. I miss him! I want him! But he doesn't want me that way. Why is this so hard?

I completely know how you feel lonelyheart. He is the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing at night. It is so hard!! I feel like part of me is missing...and I keep hoping for that phone call or text as well. Stay strong.

I have debated sending the ex a letter. I want him back but I know that this won't happen anytime soon. So I want to tell him what I want, explain I've heard his wants and tell him that I am stepping back. This is my first draft. Please give me comments and suggestions. S- Here it is...this is what I want. In the simplest terms: I want support. I want communication. I want love. I want a commitment to a future. I want all these things and currently I want them with you...but I have also realize I have been hurting myself by compromising these wants. I heard you when you expressed your wants, and I know I overstepped them. I did hear you when you said you wanted space. I did hear you say you want to prove that you can accomplish the work stuff on your own. I did hear you say you want seperation from me. I choose to cling to you saying you loved me and you'd want to try again. I have wanted those things to happen right away and I have been selfish by asking you to compromise your other wants before you are ready...I have not given you the time or space you have asked for. I'm sorry. So, you take your time. Do the work thing on your own. Figure out what is best for you when it comes to the future...really think about if your other wants match what I want...and if you want those things them with me. I have always been strong on my own, I still am. I know I don't need a partner. But over the last few years I've realized I am good at giving love, support and encouragement in an intimate realtionship. It made me happy to have someone to be there for...and who was there for me in return. There are many things I still have to learn about life and love, things that will make me even more amazing. I know I'm not quick to let someone in. I am picky...and I have the right to be, because I don't want to settle for only half of what I want. I'm over the one night stands and bar flings. So at this time, as much as I wish I could be friends with you, my heart is still too involved. Our wants, being so different, make friendship too difficult and I feel I would not be a good friend and I don't want to fail at that. Therfore, I am stepping back. Please understand that I'd like to say I'll be here when you're ready (quitting isn't something I'm good at or want to do) but I don't know if that'll be the case in the future. I have started to take steps to move on. I have to see what's out there as well. I am putting me first and choosing to be happy. -C

I'm on day 9. I want to cry every morning. I miss him so much and I hate it. I just want to pain to stop. I want him to call me and say I miss youtoo let's make this work. He said he wanted to do that in the beginning. Why after 2 months doesn't he want that now?

thanks Lonelyheart2. My plan is to not let him know there is anything wrong. I'm just scared...scared he'll talked to me and scared he won't. Stupid, but that's the way it goes. Everything I do reminds me of my ex too. It Sucks!! But you Stay strong and I'll stay strong. We can do this. I have the same thoughts...this is the longest we've gone without talking since June 2008...how can he not have contacted me...why doesn't he call and say I miss you and I want you back? It makes me cry...which is no good since I'm at work. He's a big BLAH head and I just have to keep telling myself, one he doesn't want to talk to me so I don't want to talk to him...and two soon enough he'll realize he needs me (I was his support system...his friends don't listen like that and he isn't close with his family) and I don't need him (my family is tight and my friends are supportive). He will miss me and be sad and I'll be absolutely fine.

Day 8 - 1 week down. I hate this!! I have a softball tournament that I know he (and our old team) is going to be playing in. What should I do? How do I avoid him without making a scene? What do I say if he comes up to me? How do I protect myself so I don't feel like I'm starting over next Monday?

Day 7 - My heart is still a little shocked he hasn't called. But it's for the best. It hurts but it will get easier. It's typically the hardest in the mornings. I woke up this morning and was still in that state of dream where you are aware of the dream but believe it is real...he was lying next to me...it was so real in my head I leaned in to kiss the pillow. Then I woke up. Mornings suck. I know he'll fade from my mind heart and soul...I just wish it would be faster. I am not an unhappy person and feeling depressed is a difficult emotion to deal with. I wish I could have him scrubed from my brain. I used to have a picture of him that I took with my phone where he's looking over his shoulder at me and giving me this half smile. the picture has been deleted but the image is burned into my brain. I hate it!

My Story in a nut shell is: For the last two months we were in contact, never going more then 4-5 days without one of us texting or calling. About 2 weeks ago we talked and he said he still loved me, he missed me, he wanted to be "friends", and he wanted me but he didn't want to see me. (No clue what he wants) So, Last week I just felt like I had had enough. I miss him and I would like to try again but I can't be "friends" (friends are happy for each other when they find a new lover, I could not be happy for him if he found someone new.) I didn't tell him not to call or text me...I just stopped contacting him and now I'm starting day 6. I realize now that I have been so scared of the NC because I know that deep down if I let him go he won't fight for me (dispite what he's said) and it hurts all over again. This has been the worst break up I've ever gone through.

Mine has bailed on me too lonelyheart2. I'm on day 5. I miss him so much and I constantly want to call him but I'm realizing that if he's not contacting me then he doesn't want to speak to me. It's hard but day 11 is great and I really hope I can go that long as well. Everyone seems to say it gets easier. I hope that's true. the crushing feeling is hard to function with sometimes.

Day 2 I miss him a lot. Memories of him keep popping in my head. Yesterday I was hanging out with friends (he's never met) and playing volleyball (which he never played)...and yet something was said and 'pop' there he was in my head. I know that I need to let go of him, and I'm hoping no contact will help this, because right now I'll I want is to be held by him.

That's great Mellie. Calm is good. I found focusing on breathing (and if possible talking to myself) when I start to feel less calm is helpful. The good and bad comes in waves and embracing the good helps it last longer.

Day 1 I was with the boyfriend for 3 years, during which we rarely fought and were very happy together, but about 4 months ago we had a big fight. Alcohol was involved, both of us were mean. I left...he never asked me to come home. Two months after that we actually ended the relationship, though that night he said he still loved me and just needed space so he could prove he could do this work thing on his own (in the fight I cut his ego and he wanted to prove he didn’t need help), he also said he wanted to try again in the future. Ever since then things have been a rollercoaster from hell. I started with limited contact, hoping for reconciliation. Things were going well. I then was informed that he was seeing someone new (information was provided by an unknown source who I believe was a friend the new fling). Next I found out it was over between him and the girl because she (and her friends) were crazy and brought a lot of drama to his life. Up until about a week and half ago I had tried to separate myself from him because that's what he had asked for. (And I had read a lot of stuff saying NC was the best way to get over your ex and/or get them back, I wasn't sure what I wanted yet). Unfortunately, on Sunday the 10th we talked for about 2 hours and he said he wanted to be friends...and again said I love you, miss you, want you but don't want to see you. (Confused? Me too!) I asked what friends meant…and he said talking and texting daily was good. I missed him so much that I took it a ran with it, so for the last week and a half we've been talking/texting daily (and where he used to contact me, I have been the one contacting him, What the hell?!!). Tuesday I felt horrible, like it was the first week of the break up all over again…and all because he hadn't responded to one of my texts...yesterday I cried, a lot. I am not a sad person and I am tired of feeling depressed... therefore today I decided to do NO CONTACT. I found this forum by chance and thought “what a great way to help me!” I know in general he is a good man and we had a great relationship but today what I want and what he wants are different and the way things are currently are hurtful to my head, heart and soul. I wish he could get over the fight and realize that I am amazing but he is pretty stubborn so I think it is best to be over him, move on and find happiness elsewhere. I hope this Forum Helps. It is inspiring to see so many people doing this as well. Congrats to all of you who are doing this successfully and I hope you can help me and others who may have struggles.