GIRLS: What are POSITIVE TRAITS you look for?

[Dougie_D]

Here's the deal. I'm not going to change what I've done in the past. People shouldn't dig into a persons past and judge them. People have to take what is currently going on in the present for the person. Hopefully people will take notice that the person is trying to better themselves. That's all I'm asking.

 

I honestly DO NEED help with trying to figure out my flaws and how to approach it. I think that's where I go wrong. I don't really know exactly what my flaws are except "WHAT I'VE BEEN TOLD". Honestly, I've heard more NEGATIVITY towards me than positive words. I've heard "not good looking, not eating right, no sexual experience, drinks too much, clueless, etc...) I know these things are NOT GOOD TRAITS because we have SOCIALLY agreed on these terms.

 

How does someone KNOW what THEIR POSITIVE TRAITS are? I'm a NICE PERSON...but I feel like that's too GENERIC and still doesn't have that SHINE that people want.

 

So, I would rather talk about what are the POSITIVE TRAITS that girls would want for in a mate. And here's the deal...PLEASE do not be broad.

Saying, "BEING CONFIDENT" doesn't help at all. That's TOO broad. Now saying "BEING CONFIDENT THAT HE CAN COOK A NICE MEAL" sounds better and a little more precise, right? I don't know how to cook, so I'll make sure to WORK on cooking! If someone says "DOESN'T MATTER IF HE GOES ALONE TO WATCH A MOVIE"...that's me all day! But too me, I feel like that's a positive trait. If girls don't agree...I just won't bring it up!

[dramallama]

I actually think that considering the circumstances, you are pretty positive. Not that being a virgin and needing help with dates is anything to be ashamed of or depressed about, though, because the right person will be understanding, when the time is right to tell them. You have a good attitude and are willing to change what you need to, to reach your goal.

 

Nice in the context of dating SHOULD mean - kind to animals, does what is right, isn't a douche, doesn't brag or use people, doesn't put people down, has a good sense of humour, friendly but assertive, is centred (doesn't base their self worth on other people), etc.

 

Unfortunately, some guys take nice to mean - doormat, over-accommodating, people-pleaser, scared to make their opinion heard, very agreeable.

 

It's a fine balance so I can understand why it can be confusing. Also, you may want to consider that "nice" can also be a code word for "no chemistry there".

 

I'm not sure why "confident" isn't a good enough answer for you. Confidence means being aware of who you are and not giving off an apologetic vibe for it, for simply being there.

[Daligal83]

Yea I agree with the confident thing. I want a guy who is confident in who he is as a person. I don't care about the specific reasons for his confidence. It can be because he's good at sports, cooking, socializing, good at his job...whatever. As long as he doesn't go around hating his existence, or on the flip side thinking he's better than everyone else, that's a good thing.

 

I also need a guy who is intelligent. There are many different types of intelligence, but I tend to really like guys that are very witty and have intelligence in some area of their life. Again, the specifics don't matter in that case for me.

 

If you are honest, that's a positive trait to be proud of. And just treating others well. I was having a conversation with a friend yesterday about how I feel like people are losing their ability to think of others and care about how things affect people in their lives. So if you are someone who really thoughtful about your actions and tries to treat others well even when it isn't easy, that's something to be proud of as well.

 

The thing is, we can list traits all day. But you need to look at yourself and find your specific positive traits. Or take your flaws and see if you can turn them into positives. You can't just have people tell you what they like and morph into that person. Think about the person that YOU want to become and work toward that. And don't forget that every single person on this earth has flaws and we all need to constantly strive to improve ourselves.

[bulletproof]

Here's the deal. I'm not going to change what I've done in the past. People shouldn't dig into a persons past and judge them. People have to take what is currently going on in the present for the person. Hopefully people will take notice that the person is trying to better themselves. That's all I'm asking.

 

Is this related to your prior thread and the refusal to change your screen name?

 

Maybe you think people shouldn't dig into a person's past and judge them, but the fact is they will do just that, out of curiosity, safety reasons, whatever. And no, they don't have to accept what is currently going on with you, because they can just click to the next profile and date someone else.

 

Regarding positive traits that women look for... people in general just want to be around upbeat people. People want to feel like they're being heard, so being a good listener is important.

[RedDress]

This is going to sound ridiculous... but if you are talking about what most people want? Most people want you to be mediocre. That's probably the wrong word - mediocre - but... they want you to be in the middle. Sooo...

 

- A guy who likes to drink from time to time. He doesn't get wasted but he also doesn't reject alcohol completely.

- Someone who is generous to others. Again - this has limits. If someone genuinely needs help, you should help. But you shouldn't be running around helping everyone to the detriment of your own well-being. In other words... don't give EVERY bum money... but every once in a while that's nice.

- Have a job and be able to take care of yourself. You don't have to be Richy-Rich (some people will find you "out-of-their league" and you'll attract gold diggers). But being a bum is not attractive either.

- Take care of yourself. You don't need six-pack abs (although that's hot). But you should also not have a gigantic gut, either.

- Feel good about yourself! Not so much that you are c*cky about it. But also don't apologize for who you are.

- Treat a lady well. Opening a door or offering a coat or something is extremely sweet from time to time. But don't fall all over yourself. She isn't a helpless creature. She should be capable of taking care of herself too.

- Have morals and try to do the right thing. Don't get preachy, though. And don't be constantly trying to scam.

 

Yup! You win by being mediocre. Then, you add a few interesting traits or skills (ooh! he can juggle!)... and Bob's your uncle.

[dali]

On topic you word your profile a certain way but if it's not exactly true, then people will see through this when you meet up. People who describe themselves as nice make me vomit to be truthful so please don't include that. If your struggling to put down anything worthy or hobbies or interest or personal qualities well... it's time to develop them.

 

Reddress gave some excellent pointers I have to say. Take them on board.

 

 

Regarding positive traits that women look for... people in general just want to be around upbeat people. People want to feel like they're being heard, so being a good listener is important.

 

Bingo!

 

 

Just an observation reading your threads I get the picture you lack a bit life experience in a lot of areas that people your age normally have by now. Sometimes I get this feeling you can't see the Forrest from the tree's, and are a bit naive. People will judge you no matter what, just like I am now. But you just have to except that fact and no matter how much you jazz up your profile your still the sum o of your life experiences, and reality is people may not be kind in their judgement.

 

Your taking positive steps to improve your chances with girls, but are you trying to improve the other aspects of your life that seem to the eye lacking. I don't really see it.

[tiredofvampires]

Kindness. You said don't be "broad", but unfortunately, this one has to be broad. Kindness means you're aware of the pain you could cause someone else, and unless it's for a constructive purpose, will not use your words in a way that might hurt others. Kindness includes patience, empathy and honesty, because without kindness, you could not bring these up. Kindness means BROADLY treating others as you'd like to be treated. And on an intimate level, it means tenderness.

 

Communication skills. You know how to convey what you're feeling effectively, and expressing your needs without being confrontational. And you're able to listen. Being a good listener.

 

Open-minded. You're willing to consider other points of view in general about many things in life, including in interpersonal relating. This includes interest in self-critique and personal growth. Also includes love of learning in general, having an inquisitive mind.

 

Passionate. Loves something in his life that he devotes time and energy into cultivating. Having interests falls under this.

 

Funny. Life without humor is pointless. You have to be able to see the humor in situations. Laughter brings me closer to people, it's something to be shared. I like a guy who can find the moments.

 

I could go on listing and listing. It's something I used to do well. Intelligence is always a top one for me, but if you're doing all the above, you're going to be intelligent, too. My list has gotten shorter and shorter over the years. A therapist told me once a list of "must haves" shouldn't be more than 5 items long. I told her she was crazy, and that it was impossible. I thought to myself, "That's totally arbitrary, some people may need more. Too many critical ones would have to go."

 

Live and learn.

[NightLily]

I'll just name a few..

 

Stable-by this I mean their life is not chaotic, they are mentally stable, they have fairly stable emotions and do not have rage or unchecked severe depression

Confident-they may have areas of lower confidence but overall they are aware of their own abilities and realistic about them. They can be at ease in a crowd and comfortable either leading or following. They also are not easily threatened by others or let other people's opinions destroy them.

Witty-this included having a natural sense of good humor, an understanding of social interaction, and can be an interesting conversationalist

Freethinker- they are not easily swayed by peer pressure or public opinion, they like to think through issues before making judgements, avoid mob mentallity, they also avoid bigotry and bias or when they become aware that they may have developed a bias they try to change their way of thinking

Gentle- they are kind to animals and people and do not try to use intimidation or anger to control others

[Dougie_D]

Ok...thanks for some of these TRAITS.

 

I just have a few questions on them. I feel like I have ALL these traits but it somehow it still comes out negative in a way. So here are more questions I have.

 

1. GOOD LISTENER: Someone can talk all day about whatever they want. I'll listen to what they are telling me and I'll ask questions or answer to make the conversation going. The the next day, next week, next month, etc...I won't have a clue what we were talking about unless I see/talk to this person on a more daily basis about the topic. Does that make me a BAD LISTENER?

 

2. FUNNY: I think I'm funny but only in a way that people LAUGH AT ME. How can someone be funny w/out putting THEMSELVES down or SOMEONE else? Some people that watching people get HURT is funny too. Should I just start walking INTO poles? Is it more along the terms of ME LAUGHING about when I think is something funny?

 

3.PASSIONATE: I'm passionate about MUSIC but I don't go into details about learning the history and then being able to dish it out. I'm not a history buff. But I'm always after finding new music to share and such and expressing my passion about a band I like. I'm passionate about Tennessee Sports. I am constantly reading/watching telling people how great the VOLS are. I think it depends on what someone is actually passionate about that is considered positive or negative. So, for girls...what other topic or areas does a guy need to be PASSIONATE about? Or is what I'm passionate about good?

 

4. FREETHINKER/CONFIDENT: I do believe I let people tell me what to do. I'm always second-guessing myself. I've been working on being more decisive and having my own opinion rather than "I don't really care" attitude. What are the decision making situations that girls like when someone knows what they want? Does a girl like a guy that ALWAYS knows the movie he wants to watch?

 

5.BEING MEDIOCRE: I think I'm being mediocre??? Honestly, I believe what makes me NOT mediocre is my physical appearance. I've heard numerous times that "I have a face you can't forget" I take that as a negative instead of a positive. Should I really look into getting plastic surgery to "blend" in more? I'm working on losing more weight and stuff which will help.

 

On a side note: Try not to give me traits that have "BUT" in them. Separate them. Having a "but" in a trait just means that there are two separate traits. Thx.

[NightLily]

1) That doesn't make you a bad listener as much as it shows that you aren't interested in them. Usually if we are interested in somebody we remember details about them more specifically.

 

2)Nobody should have to be hurt for something to be funny. Perhaps watch some stand up comedy if you want examples of that. Two people many women might find funny who tend to be less offensive: Whitney Cummings and Jim Gaffigan

 

3) Being passionate about music is good. I think more women would have an interest if you actually did something with that interest though like write music, play an instrument or sing, or go to concerts frequently. Plenty of people enjoy listening to music but you stand out more if it is actually a part of your life beyond just listening. Some women are into sports but plenty also don't relate to being die hard about a team. Again, I think you have more luck there if you actually play a sport even if it is only on a recreational team or if it is running 5Ks on your own time.

 

4) I mentioned that pretty strongly but that is what I look for. Most people are not freethinkers so you don't have to be one to get a girlfriend. As far as making decisions go, I am most happy with a guy who can give and take. I really do want to know what they feel like having for dinner or watching and if they never have any input sometimes it feels like you might as well be alone. I don't want a guy who dictates every decision but a partner to make decisions with.

 

5) You shouldn't get plastic surgery to look more "normal". Focus on your weight and try to lift weights to get more muscle bulk. Plenty of women will go for a guy who is soft but also obviously strong.

[metrogirl]

Honesty and integrity are huge assets to have. There is nothing more attractive than a man that does the right thing. I don't care if you are short or bald or have a gut if you are truly honest and live by doing the right thing, I am going to find that more attractive than anything else.

 

Say what you mean and mean what you say.

 

No one wants to find out that we are dating a liar or a con artist or someone that just doesn't give a hoot about anything or anyone other than themselves.

 

Many years ago I was dating this guy, we met through the personals by the way and we were driving somewhere, it was late at night. We saw a car on the side of the road, with a woman standing near it. He pulled over to the side of the road apologizing to me because he just couldn't leave a female stranded and he started her car for her and got her going again. He wouldn't take the money she was offering, he told her to pay it forward and do something nice for someone else.

 

He came back to the car apologizing that his shirt and hands were a little dirty from working on her engine and at that moment, I knew he was a total keeper.

[Dougie_D]

Thanks Nightlily! Actually, I am in the music biz. I've been in bands since I was in the 6th grade. I got "MOST TALENTED"' in Highschool. Been in numerous bands and such. Right, now I help out bands with bookings, live performance, songwriting, etc.. I'm basically an artist manager on a smaller scale. I work with unsigned bands. I'm not a "hot shot" though. It's a real difficult biz to be in right now and girls don't seem to care unless I work with a band or the genre that I work in. They just think it's "cool" and most will want to hook up with the band members anyways. I went on tour w/ a band as their tour manager/roadie/merch guy. The girls didn't really seem that interested in me.

[Alezia]

• Cooks
  
• Cleans
  
• Massages my back
  
• Likes to pick up smelly poo diapers
  
• Brings in a lot of money
  
• Does not snore
  

That sounds about right.

[lalalollipops]

After dating quite a few guys that have that wit and intelligence, I've found that the ultimate things I look for have changed. Bc how important is wit, intelligence or ambition if they lack in character and lie and cheat and are so selfish?

 

1.Integrity

2.Honest (even if it would hurt)

3. compassionate and thoughtful

4.Capable to thinking about others before themselves

5. Reliable

 

 

Those traits are too important.

[Dougie_D]

Thanks girls! I really appreciate what you girls are looking for. A lot of you seem to be on the same page.

 

Here is the SERIOUS question though. And this is the kicker. Most likely, you will not see ALL these traits in one setting, right? I takes TIME and more "hanging out", right to really start being in a relationship. You girls have said it before. It can take "5 minutes" to know if you want to date them.

 

The vibe I'm getting is a FIRST IMPRESSION. A good impression will want the girl to know more about the guy. For me, I must be lacking a first impression and it must be some sort of negative impression.

 

So, the question is: What are the FIRST IMPRESSIONS you look for? Is it some sort of physical touch? A pat on the back. Is he ASKING the RIGHT questions? Is it some sort of smell? Cologne that attracts you? Is it straight up physical? He just has to "look" like YOUR type? Does he have to be a certain height? Does he have to have a bunch of friends with him? Does he have to smile a lot? Does he have to dress extremely well? Match? Be stylish?

 

I think every girl has different things they look for on FIRST IMPRESSIONS. I'm trying to figure out traits that sounds like the majority.

[dramallama]

1. You need to focus less on appearing to be a good listener, and actually listening and forming a connection. Be genuinely interested. Have interesting things to say yourself to ADD to the conversation. Which means have an interesting life with various things that you are passionate about.

 

2. Learn to laugh at yourself and let go. I'm not sure how to tell you HOW to be funny - but make light of situations.

 

3. The things that you are passionate about are solitary activities. Find something new to do that involves meeting new people. Playing badminton, volunteering, fundraising. Have the confidence to not care what other people think of your passions.

 

4. The second guessing comes accross a lot over this forum. You must learn to have the attitude of as long as you are confident in yourself, then it doesn't really matter. Have you read the non-chalance thread at all? Read Crap's posts in particular.

 

5. Plastic surgery isn't necessary. You've missed the whole point of being mediocre. Be middle of the road. Nice, but not too nice. Nice IN GENERAL - polite to strangers, don't go out of your way to hurt people, nor go out of your way too much to help people, especially when it is at the expense of yourself. Be nice to puppies and kittens, but make sure to stand up for yourself if you're taken advantage of. Be confident - have a quite, secure, internal confidence (people will sense this), but don't go around bragging or being a douche. Know when to have fun, but when to pull back.

[dramallama]

You are trying to mould yourself and your actions into someone that every girl will like. But every girl is different, and just by asking, it SCREAMS that you are not happy with yourself. There is no magic touch or height that is automatically attractive to women. Be confident with yourself and accept yourself, but be willing to make a few minor tweaks here and there, and THAT is what is attractive. I have a feeling that you would broadcast a need for affirmation from women, and they will pick up on it.

 

Go and read the non-chalance thread.

[lalalollipops]

Be yourself.

You'll only be but a second rate version of sb else if you put up a front.

Don't you want sb to like you for yourself? Not for somebody they think you are?

 

That right there is a form of deceit.

[Dougie_D]

How come a girl can't answer my question? Just because I ask something it doesn't mean it's directly towards me. WHAT ARE THE FIRST IMPRESSIONS YOU ARE LOOKING FOR?

 

I'll answer my own question: I LOOK FOR A GIRL THAT SEEMS LIKE SHE IS REMOTELY INTERESTED IN HANGING OUT WITH ME. If a girl just says "hi" to me, I'm definitely interested and to me that's a great impression! AFTER that, it's a physical appearance.

[NightLily]

That is a hard question to answer. I would say probably relaxed, comfortable in his own skin, polite, is at least somewhat attractive.