Is It a Common Male Trait?: Not Being Able to Admit Being Wrong or to Say Sorry

[Silverbirch]

I apologise in advance if my post appears to be sexist or man bashing, but I was just wondering what people think especially men. Of course I realise a lot of women must have problems accepting and admitting they can be wrong about something and apologising. It;s just something I have noticed about the significant men in my life including male relatives. Thanks.

[Lamour detruit]

I am not going to apologize for this common male trait, we have done nothing wrong.

[OptomisticGirl]

My fiancé admits when he is wrong and apologizes.

[_Asti_]

My husband has always been pretty good at admitting he's wrong if he is, and saying sorry has never been an issue.

Depending on how I approach whichever issue, he may get a little defensive, but with time he will come around and apologize.

[Knight of Hope]

Depends on the guy, really.

 

As for myself, I will usually admit when I am wrong, but I will also want to fix whatever wrong I've done all on my own. My thoughts go like this "I made the mistake. I know it. Time for me to be a man and make it right. Trust me that I will do it, and don't nag."

 

If I'm wrong in a minor disagreement, I don't usually apologize for that - everyone minorly wrongs people close to them from time to time. However, even though the offense is minor, it is still an offense and requires correction. Therefore I will usually just correct my behavior all on my own.

 

Now, if I'm wrong in a major disagreement, I will admit that I was wrong and apologize, in addition to taking corrective action.

[Sparkly Eyes]

I don't think its a male or female thing.

[piruru]

I am not going to apologize for this common male trait, we have done nothing wrong.

 

LOL.

 

I want to say that it is not a common male trait, but I've met quite a significant number of guys who would probably never admit they were wrong. Maybe it's just my approach that's getting them annoyed They apologise but rarely admit to me that they're wrong, anyway.

 

Curious to hear what the guys have to say.

[lavenderdove]

I think little boys can frequently be taught by their parents and society to just suck it up and never show any kind of weakness because it is not 'manly' to show weakness or cry or even express feelings in many cases... then they can extend that in their minds to mean admitting they are wrong or apologizing admits to a weakness, so it scares or upsets or angers them to do it, so they don't. Many men would much rather just send flowers than admit they were wrong, because they don't have to fess up or feel weak in front of the woman. The flowers are basically a bribe, as in take these and please don't yell at me or confront me about thi and expect me to apologize because that kills me to do that.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know women who can't admit when they are wrong..they just re-write history so that it appears as if they were right....or they sidestep the issue, change the subject etc.

[Firiel]

I think it's just a common human trait.

[Seraphim]

It depends on the man/woman. ^^ Yeah a human trait.

[superfox]

Yeah depends on the person. My ex never apologised for anything, to me, my (our) children, his work colleagues etc, he was 'never' wrong...he stood on my foot once. Apparently it was my fault for leaving it there... ;-)

 

He had no manners and think respect was owed, not earned.

[tiredofvampires]

I think it depends on how much "defeat" a person has grown to expect from early experiences. People who know that apologizing is not necessarily a defeat will be willing to do it, without hanging a sense of personal power and self-protection on it. But in early life, if they are not given that sense of safety -- or the allowance to make mistakes, this can build an immense fortress that won't concede to another person. It's a self-defense mechanism.

 

I've suffered from this myself in the past, because of how mistakes and admissions were used against me. I believe that was the origin of it anyway. It's been a long struggle to overcome this. It's based on fear of looking weak, yes.

 

While women have this problem, I've noticed it's quite prevalent in men -- perhaps moreso in men, because of the element lavenderdove mentioned about being socialized not to look "weak" -- and this can seem to men to be emasculating somehow.

 

For this reason, I have great respect for men who can apologize. It's a sign of strength of character that's hard to come by, especially if a man has come from a combative past.

[Silverbirch]

Good posts. I hsare the view about people's experiences of being humiliated, espeically when they are growing up or previous partners using admissions of wrong against them over and over.

 

I remembered too recently reading about how men often "tease" each other in a way which is meant to be affectionate. It gave examples. If my female friends did that to me, I would be so peeved. I agree too that I really do respect people, men and women who can admit to a mistake and apologise, and really, it shouldn't be a big deal.

 

My ex ex was notorious for never apologising and blaming others and this affected every area of his life. He lost jobs and relationships over it.

 

I think I'm pretty good at admitting mistake and apologising, and don't usually take long to do this.

[Silverbirch]

Sounds like some of the people here are skilled in supporting others to look at their part in conflicts, and be able to enable that person to either save face or not feel threatened. I'd love to hear more about how this can be achieved if it is at all possible. In the past, when I've let things like that ride over and over, then the person's inablility to look at their own contribution to conflict or whatever gets worse and worse, and can just become abusive. I don't want to keep setting myself up for this sort of thing, especially with people I love.

[ferna3069]

well its not really sexist what your asking. but it gos for both male/female. well kinda like my story u know my ex cant admit her wrong the same way sometimes i cant admit mine. every one is wrong at some poing. its just depends on the persons ego i think is more of what lets the person admit

[truegrit]

I agree it is not male or female but a human trait. That being said my husband in 7 years has never apologized for anything, I have never heard the words 'I'm sorry" just avoids it. Of course he is passive aggressive so that could be the reason. He will just get horribly defensive if you even hint at something he has done wrong. It really sucks too btw

[90_hour_sleep]

Sounds like some of the people here are skilled in supporting others to look at their part in conflicts, and be able to enable that person to either save face or not feel threatened. I'd love to hear more about how this can be achieved if it is at all possible. In the past, when I've let things like that ride over and over, then the person's inablility to look at their own contribution to conflict or whatever gets worse and worse, and can just become abusive. I don't want to keep setting myself up for this sort of thing, especially with people I love.

 

for myself...the ability to admit defeat...to accept that my own perspective was not the only perspective...that came at the hands of a shattering emotional experience. an experience that challenged every preconceived notion i had about anything and everything.

 

ha. i've been ranting about this all week. i'm right, you're wrong...shut up. really...what's the point of that? right and wrong are completely subjective. NO EXCEPTIONS. even the things that humanity considers atrocious are only considered atrocious because of human thought. they aren't inherently wrong. they're wrong because we've collectively decided to label them so. so...for situations lower on the 'extreme' scale...what's the point in winning? why the need to be right...ever? what does it ever accomplish? it puts one person on one end of the spectrum...and another person (or group of people) at the other end of the spectrum. congratulations...now you've achieved optimal separation. which is fantastic if your wish is to remain disconnected from everything you don't agree with. but...sooner or later...that disconnect will extend to everyone. there are no two people who share identical perspectives on everything. sooner or later there's bound to be a disagreement.

 

sounds like a recipe for misery. maybe there are exceptions...but the people i've encountered in my own life that have this compulsive need to be right...they're miserable. defensive...judgemental...jaded. they tend to be isolated...and alone.

[Silverbirch]

Hi Ferna and 90 and thanks for your posts.

 

90, I read and re-read your post and thought about it. I take your point about subjective reality. I suppose though that if people a desire to live and function together in harmony that there do need to be some shared values. That is of course not just between 2 individuals, but in communities. I would think that especially some shared values as to what constitutes respect would be vital for people to live and function together happily. I would think the ability of individuals to have both some level of tolerance and compromise would be vital too - as you point out, no 2 individuals are able to agree on everything, and some issues aren't even important.

 

I do believe I have seen many instances whereby an individual's behaviour is construed by others around them as selfish and abusive. That person, the one considered abusive, has however, been loved by those around them who have recognised that all parties concerned are being hurt by that view/attitude. I suppose also, it depends on the issue/conflict at hand and the context in which it occurs.

[Silverbirch]

Oh and Hi and thank you too Truegrit. I can empathise with your situation.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I reject that notion. It's a human trait, no more common in men than in women, maybe there are studies showing otherwise, but am not aware of any.

[guynextdoor]

If I was wrong I would admit to it and apologize. I like make up sex.

[mhowe]

My father was literally incapable of apologizing.

My bf has no problem admiting he's wrong, and he will also ask directions. Go figure.