CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Hi guys, Bear with me on this one guys and gals, I'm not some creep just looking to convert an ex GF into a F-buddy or anything, sex was an issue with our relationship so I would ask that you have a read through. I spoke to my ex GF about a week ago and we were chatting over some things. The separation came up in conversation and I told her that, in a way, I still didn't fully understand why it had happened. She told me that I did know, but I asked her to clarify. She then came out with that it was due to our sex life. As a bit of a background, we were together for 8 years, living together for 5 years, and broke up 3 months ago. About 5 years into the relationship we started to have some intimacy issues which were centered around a few things. 1) She was diagnosed with a medical condition which would mean that she may find it hard to have children and as a result suffered from a bout of depression for a few months, 2) I became ill with a long term medical problem (which I still have) which I was embarressed about and reduced my interest in sex (due to the embarressment, not due to lack of desire), and 3) she found sex with me unnerving and stressful sometimes due to the problems we were having in terms of health etc which seemed to take a lot of the fun away. Due to these problems we both sort of drew away from sex for about 2 years, at one point averaging it only once a month. She is quite a sexually driven person, and so am I, but due to what happened we just stopped clicking sexually for a while. We did go to a counsellor for a session but as it was run by a charity and their books were full and it meant that they wouldn't be able to see us for another 6 weeks, and so as a result we forgot about it and didn't go back. It's a shame, I felt the session helped and I really opened up, and perhaps if we had gone back we could have worked on the problems. So my question is this - since we broke up, I have been practising sex and learning techniques whilst I've been on the odd date, and feel that I have got much better, and would be able to please her as she wanted rather than the 'wham bam thank you mam' style we were having towards the end. She is dating someone at the moment (1 month) but I feel and have heard from friends that it is more sexually orientated than anything else as they live 1.5 hours each way drive from each other, and so think that this is her trying to re-engage sexually, more with herself than with a particular person. We did speak about 2 weeks ago and I mentioned going out on a date and she said that she wasn't sure that we would be able to as her feelings hadn't changed since the break-up, although she had hoped that they would and had been telling me for the first 2 months that "after the dust has settled and we have seen the new people we will become perhaps we could try a re-run". I could tell that by these 'feelings' the issues we had with sex were high on her agenda, and I think she is worried that we still wouldn't work sexually, although of course she doesn't know that I have been working to develop my sexual knowledge so that we could fully enjoy this part of a relationship again, which she finds very important. So, it's a bit of a weird thing to ask, and I wouldn't want to come accross as a creep, but is it worth discussing with her? I know it was a big deal to her and so if we can discuss things sexually and try to re-connect that way to ensure that the issues are still not there I think it's worth a shot. Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 LOL No - dont ask your ex, who is in a new relationship, with whom you lacked sexual chemistry with, if you can have sex. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 As for a new relationship, as I said I think it is more f-buddies than anything else. In terms of the lacking of sexual chemistry, the first 5 years were fantastic sex wise but due to problems that were outside of our control in terms of health etc our sex life became damaged. I know it is still there, we would just have to work on it so that we were both comfortable again. All the other parts of the relationship were fine, we were intimate and close in other ways it was just the problems sex wise that ultimately let us down. Link to comment
FathomFear Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 You were together for 8 years and lived together for 5. Are you absolutely confident that your minor sexually dry spell due to health reasons is the primary reason why the relationship ended? I dunno. I'm just finding it hard to believe. Assuming for a moment there are indeed other reasons for the breakup, jumping in the sack with her isn't going to really solve the problem. It sounds to me that you've grown attached to this idea as a way of repairing your ego which was damaged when your sexual performance suffered. When I do the math, you lived with this person since the age of 18 and dated since the age of 15. Is it safe to assume it was your first real relationship? Link to comment
JerkBrokeMe Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Maybe its just cause I'm a girl but when I wanted to have sex with my ex who broke up with me, we had sex. Each time I felt like it. I didn't have to ask and didn't plan it though. I'm not saying whether its a good idea or not. I'm just saying, flat out asking her to plan it seems well..not very sexy. Link to comment
Tired Tiger Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 We did speak about 2 weeks ago and I mentioned going out on a date and she said that she wasn't sure that we would be able to... So she's 'unsure' about going on a date, and you want to hit her up for some nookie? Really? Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 You were together for 8 years and lived together for 5. Are you absolutely confident that your minor sexually dry spell due to health reasons is the primary reason why the relationship ended? I dunno. I'm just finding it hard to believe. Assuming for a moment there are indeed other reasons for the breakup, jumping in the sack with her isn't going to really solve the problem. It sounds to me that you've grown attached to this idea as a way of repairing your ego which was damaged when your sexual performance suffered. Hi Fathom, thanks for the reply. If you read some of my other threads there were some other minor problems, but we were always very close, apart for sex towards the end. I feel more sorry for her that I allowed our sex life to turn the way it did, as when we both started to draw apart sex wise we both just stopped trying. When she first broke up with me I asked her to spell out the main reasons why, and she told me: - Trust - Intimacy - Jealousy Now trust and intimacy are ones that I feel are sex related, plus recently she told me that the main reason we broke up was sex related. By trust, she made a comment about a year ago that she didn't feel trusting when we were in bed having sex, as I was the one who started to draw away from sex first. I came up with all sorts of reasons why, even blaming it on her at one point, as I was just so embarressed over everything. I felt like crap when i blamed it on her, and still do to this day, as it really affected her and she couldn't understand why I would pull away from her when previously our sex life had been so good. Our non-sex time in bed was completely fine though, she loved to cuddle my back every night and scratch my back etc so there was obviously a fair bit of close intimacy still there. In terms of jealousy, this was more due to me losing contact with my social circle when I became ill and then not doing much to repair it as my condition started to move towards remission. As a result, I would make jokey comments when she was on the phone to her friends. For example, one guy she went to Medical School with is a Doctor in the Navy, and whenever she would start to dial his number I would start to hum "In the Navy". She got a bit annoyed by this over time and started to say I was jealous of her social life. This was a small problem though really comparative to our sexual issues. Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Assuming for a moment there are indeed other reasons for the breakup, jumping in the sack with her isn't going to really solve the problem. It sounds to me that you've grown attached to this idea as a way of repairing your ego which was damaged when your sexual performance suffered. I assume it has a lot to do with this. Like he wants to redeem himself with her so that she never has a bad thing to say about his performance. And F-buddies or not, shes not interested in you. She wont go on a date....as Tiger says, why would she give up the cookie? Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Maybe its just cause I'm a girl but when I wanted to have sex with my ex who broke up with me, we had sex. Each time I felt like it. I didn't have to ask and didn't plan it though. I'm not saying whether its a good idea or not. I'm just saying, flat out asking her to plan it seems well..not very sexy. Hey JerkBrokeMe, thanks for the reply. I know where you're coming from, it doesn't exactly sound sexy does it?? But she is coming to the house on Thursday to collect something she left behind, so this would be the time. Obviously I wouldn't just come out with "sex?" but you know what I mean. Broaching the subject in some way could be the way forward to addressing some of the underlying issues. On a side note, I hope you guys don't just think I'm trying to 'hook up' here. It was an issue in our relationship that was left pretty much unaddressed and to fester and I can see it being somewhat of a linch-pin to us POTENTIALLY getting back together some time. I'm not trying to just get my rocks off, so to speak. It's a difficult subject to talk about on these forums as everyone just thinks you're after a quick shag, but that really isn't the case. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 I assume it has a lot to do with this. Like he wants to redeem himself with her so that she never has a bad thing to say about his performance. And F-buddies or not, shes not interested in you. She wont go on a date....as Tiger says, why would she give up the cookie? iBroken, thanks for the reply! I'd ask that you re-read my original posting as you appear to have taken the wrong end of the stick. I'm solely looking to address an issue in a relationship, but as others may want help on addressing 'jealousy' or 'commitment' issues with an ex they are hoping to re-kindle something with, sex was an issue in my relationship and so it is something that I am looking for advice on. Please treat it that way from now on, rather than suggesting that I just want my ex to be able to say "he was a great lay!". Link to comment
Calvin68 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 It would be helpful to know what your medical problem is. Link to comment
civilservant Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Regardless of when, why, or how, you broke up, this is a really bad idea. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 It would be helpful to know what your medical problem is. Hi Calvin, I don't really want to go into too much detail but I have Crohn's Disease, and she was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Although Crohn's Disease concerns the internal GI tract and small colon, it has some nasty side effects that come with it which mainly concern the 'rear end' - nothing as bad as incontinence but somewhere in that field (need to rush to the toilet at times etc, which was pretty awkward if it happened during sex for a early 20's year old I can tell you!). The condition comes and goes but unfortunately there is no cure. It did also cause some Erectile Dysfunction (which happened from time to time) which the Doctor's couldn't work out the reasons why it would do this, however since we have broken up they have put me on some new medication which has corrected this. Link to comment
scarlett27 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 u sound obseesed with sex , move on dear - she has Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 u sound obseesed with sex , move on dear - she has Hi Scarlett, thanks for the reply! No, not obsessed with sex at all, similar one of the issues in our relationship that I know she had a problem with and potentially I would like to address/sound out with you guys and girls on here. If you read over some of my other threads you will see what I have discussed with others on here. Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Shes sleeping with someone else, yet you think shes willing to jump into bed with you. BUT she won't go on a date with you. I think thats kind of unrealistic. Link to comment
scarlett27 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 agree with ecosor - i hope u guys use condoms !! Link to comment
iBroken Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 I'd ask that you re-read my original posting as you appear to have taken the wrong end of the stick. I was basing my replies on the title of your thread...should you ask for sex with your ex........I dont believe I have taken it out of context, or the wrong end of the stick. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 I was basing my replies on the title of your thread...should you ask for sex with your ex........I dont believe I have taken it out of context, or the wrong end of the stick. Fair enough, but the first sentence of my thread is "Bear with me on this one guys and gals, I'm not some creep just looking to convert an ex GF into a F-buddy or anything, sex was an issue with our relationship so I would ask that you have a read through." Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 Ok, perhaps this thread has come accross badly. What I was trying to ask advice on is if sex was an issue, bearing in mind some of the health problems we had and the issues that developed because of them, how do you go about addressing this with an ex if you want to reconcille. I nearly didn't post the question on here because I could see it being taken as if I just wanted sex, but as with any other problem in a relationship, be it lying, cheating, non-commitment etc, sex was one of the issues with us. So how do you address it if it could solve some of the problems that are holding us back from trying again? Imagine I'm saying 'jealousy' was a problem rather than sex if that is what is causing the issue... (but please give advice on addressing the sex issue Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 I think you're missing the point here. She is in a new relationship, won't even go on a date with you. And regardless what the new relationship is, she's in a new relationship. If she's getting wild sex from someone else, what makes you think she'll jump back to you knowing what's happened in the past? Are you going to tell her "I've been practicing, give me a chance!!". That's pretty hot, I don't see why she wouldn't go for it... Look man, stop trying to justify your own ego, because as many other posters have pointed out, that's what you're trying to do. If it'll make you feel better, sure, ask her. I don't think you'll get the response you're looking for. Link to comment
CrazyMiner Posted June 13, 2011 Author Share Posted June 13, 2011 I think you're missing the point here. She is in a new relationship, won't even go on a date with you. And regardless what the new relationship is, she's in a new relationship. If she's getting wild sex from someone else, what makes you think she'll jump back to you knowing what's happened in the past? Are you going to tell her "I've been practicing, give me a chance!!". That's pretty hot, I don't see why she wouldn't go for it... Look man, stop trying to justify your own ego, because as many other posters have pointed out, that's what you're trying to do. If it'll make you feel better, sure, ask her. I don't think you'll get the response you're looking for. For god sake, I don't have an ego! Why is sex treated so negatively here? It is one of many problems that can happen in a relationship, and I was looking for advice on how to address it, not to be told that I am thinking with my ! Surely at least someone can put on their logical cap and read what I've actually been saying? Link to comment
Mustachio Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Crazy, sex is not treated negatively here, but when you start a thread basically saying I want to have sex with my ex, should i? What do you think is going to happen. Most of us here (I think) dont throw sex around super casually. And the way you brought it up is a little odd. You go on to say that this was an issue in your relationship so you want to have sex with her to resolve the issue. The problem there is that you are not in a relationship with her anymore. And honestly, if you have been "working" on this issue since the end of the relationship then the only thing you can do is continue to improve yourself. Since she was the one who left, if she ever wants to give it another try, she will come to you, and then and only then can you show her that you have improved on this issue. Although to be honest, by sleeping around with others since then will probably have the opposite effect of what you seem to think it will have. And finally, to reiterate my point, in your last post, you talk about this as an issue in your relationship, yet you seem to fail to realize that your relationship is over. She is with someone else and has already told you she doesnt want to see you. There is nothing left to fix! Its done. Link to comment
scarlett27 Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 mustinchao u speak sooooo much sense x Link to comment
Eocsor Posted June 13, 2011 Share Posted June 13, 2011 Dude, I know you want her back but she's gone. You've made your feelings clear to her and she doesn't want to come back now. You seem to be torturing yourself with the thought of "what if". You need to let it go for now. No good is coming of you constantly pursueing her or thinking about reconciliation. You need to step back and get on with your own life. The future wll take care of itself. But you need to let go for now. Link to comment
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