Should I ask my ex GF for sex (Bear with me - hear me out on this one!!)

[Miss.Love2u]

To be honest I hear were your coming from. But I dont know if you should or not only you can do that. But think about this before you do. WHAT if you ask or put yourself in a situation where you guys are going to have sex and she say's NO how is that going to make you feel. And what if she tell's you that she is maddly in love with this new guy and she dosent wont to cheat on him. And what if you guys end up having sex and some of the same problems come up then how are you going to feel. What if she tell's you that the sex was not good or even worst than before. She may never wont to speck to you again because of your question or the bad sex. Right now I think you should just move on to something and someone new who you didnt have this problem with because sometimes for us females its hard to get out of our head when and where something went wrong in our relationship so be carefull. And I dont think your a creep I just think this took a big toll on you man hood and you wont to pove yourself to her.

[CrazyMiner]

A fair point there, as I said in one or two of my previous posts on this thread perhaps I mis-advertised what I was asking. Since she said she wasn't sure we could date again or even be friends (and bear in mind she said this after she had been with this new guy for a month...), she then said that she wasn't writing ANYTHING off, and emphasised the word anything. Also, since saying that, she has been a lot more friendly towards me, sending me the odd song link etc, which is the first time she has done it since we broke up.

 

I'm not wanting to read into bread crumbs, but she is not the sort of person who would be able to admit that she had made her mistake. She doesn't work that way, and unfortunately she has walked away from things in the past to not have to admit her mistakes. This is the way she was brought up and how she has to act in her career (she is a Doctor), so I thought that by addressing the main issue she has identified, and bearing in mind I can only take her at her word, then it could create that bridge that helps us to work on things. I'm not saying I want to just offer her sex (I see how my thread may have sounded like that at the start now...), but offering to work on an issue if that was the deal-breaker.

 

I know my relationship is over with her, but how would you prefer I address it? My ex relationship? That doesn't sound right really does it? I was using the term 'relationship' in the past tense.

[Tired Tiger]

Let's remove the specific definition that you've identified here, "sex". For the current intents and purposes - that's irrelevant. The time to demonstrate positive changes would be during the actual interaction of a reconciliation. You aren't anywhere near there. Attempting to interject any sort of epiphany while she's both detached and with someone else is simply not going to attract her back like you're pondering it might. It just doesn't work that way.

[Mustachio]

Address it however you want, its the way you are talking about it. You talk about wanting to fix an issue with the relationship, but whatever you call it (relationship, ex relationship) it doesnt matter because since the relationship is over, there is no issue anymore that needs to be fixed.

 

As much as you think you know the way she reacts to things, and think you need to be the one to step up to the plate here, it really isnt how it works. First of all she is with someone right now, and regardless of how serious it is, you asking her for sex is going to come off in the worst possible way. And as unwilling as she may be to admit fault, this is one scenario that if she truly wanted you back, she would come back.

 

I see you are also getting frustrated with this topic. And honestly it seems like you came on here wanting us all to tell you what you wanted to hear. And it tells me that one way or another you are going to ask her. But I know I am not alone when I say that it will probably have the exact opposite effect of what you are hoping for.

[CrazyMiner]

Hi Mustachio,

 

You're right, I was getting frustrated with the topic. I thought I had originally written it as basically "sex was a problem, I want advice on how to address it" but as others have pointed out it looks like I was saying "sex was a problem, I want to have sex with her". I was simply looking for a way to address an issue that may be holding us back from getting back together or even just trying dating again.

 

To be honest, I know it would be 100% wrong to just come out with it to her, hence why I was looking for advice on how you address sex with an ex when it is already a delicate issue, let alone if it was also a problem in the relationship!

[SethSLC]

You certainly don't address it by talking to her about it. You address it the way you claim to have been working on it, which is to date new people and explore sex with them. Actions speak louder than words, and the words you are looking for are the last possible words you want to say to an ex so my advice is don't.

[MakeItCount]

For god sake, I don't have an ego! Why is sex treated so negatively here? It is one of many problems that can happen in a relationship, and I was looking for advice on how to address it, not to be told that I am thinking with my ! Surely at least someone can put on their logical cap and read what I've actually been saying?

 

Haha, you're telling ME to put on MY logical cap? How about you stop plugging your ears and saying "la la la la la" and read what WE'VE been all saying. How are we treating sex negatively? If she didn't have a boyfriend, was single, and would even consider hanging out with you I'd be giving you different advice. However, that's not the case. It's nice that she's told you she's not dismissing ANYTHING...congratulations, you're the back-up plan. Perhaps you need to realize self-respect is important.

 

You're addressing ONE of the issues in your relationship, that's why I think your ego is hurt. And you're concentrating on the sex, so yeah..it's ego. You may not want to admit it, but it's true. Better sex certainly won't hurt, but it won't be your ticket to being back in a relationship with her.

[faithful14]

To answer your question, no, don't ask her for sex. She will take it the wrong way and be completely turned off.

[iBroken]

Haha, you're telling ME to put on MY logical cap? How about you stop plugging your ears and saying "la la la la la" and read what WE'VE been all saying. How are we treating sex negatively? If she didn't have a boyfriend, was single, and would even consider hanging out with you I'd be giving you different advice. However, that's not the case. It's nice that she's told you she's not dismissing ANYTHING...congratulations, you're the back-up plan. Perhaps you need to realize self-respect is important.

 

You're addressing ONE of the issues in your relationship, that's why I think your ego is hurt. And you're concentrating on the sex, so yeah..it's ego. You may not want to admit it, but it's true. Better sex certainly won't hurt, but it won't be your ticket to being back in a relationship with her.

 

Thank you - exactly what I was saying!

[LCA1986]

Dude... No, dont ask you ex gf for sex. Seriously, dont. I think you sense that she is slipping away from you by dating this new guy and you are just panicking trying to find ways to get her back. She wants to date new people because that's something she never experienced. Respect her decision and let her experience... and you should be, as well.

[CrazyMiner]

Dude... No, dont ask you ex gf for sex. Seriously, dont. I think you sense that she is slipping away from you by dating this new guy and you are just panicking trying to find ways to get her back. She wants to date new people because that's something she never experienced. Respect her decision and let her experience... and you should be, as well.

 

Fair comment really. A friend of mine was talking to my ex on facebook last night and he asked how she was doing, how was the dating going etc. He asked her is she was seeing anyone and apparently she replied with "I guess I am officially single but dating so it's a bit complicated"... what ever that means! I guess it's her way of saying that she is dating this guy but still regards herself as single or that either he or she hasn't overly committed to anything. But I know what you mean, she is coming over on Thursday so I guess the best way to be is to just play it cool. Not sure if there will be much conversation, I think she just wants to collect and go as she has something workwise shortly after she is planning to get here.

[LCA1986]

Fair comment really. A friend of mine was talking to my ex on facebook last night and he asked how she was doing, how was the dating going etc. He asked her is she was seeing anyone and apparently she replied with "I guess I am officially single but dating so it's a bit complicated"... what ever that means! I guess it's her way of saying that she is dating this guy but still regards herself as single or that either he or she hasn't overly committed to anything. But I know what you mean, she is coming over on Thursday so I guess the best way to be is to just play it cool. Not sure if there will be much conversation, I think she just wants to collect and go as she has something workwise shortly after she is planning to get here.

 

Yes, just play it cool. Or if you can, just ask one of your friends to hand her belongings to her. Also, I don't know why you keep finding out so much information about her dating life. Talk to your friends and tell them to not feed you that kind of information. It really does you no good. Try to withdraw from her life for a couple of months or so, you will see what a big difference that will make. Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, especially in these kind of situations.

[CrazyMiner]

Well it all seems a bit irrelevant now to be honest.

 

We spoke on the phone for nearly an hour and a half last night. The first 20 minutes or so were about the house we own together, how the new house mates are doing there etc, and some stuff around bills. Then there was an hour discussion about us. To cut a long story short, she said that she is only really starting her grieving process after keeping it supressed for months. She said that she thinks about me and the relationship everyday, but at the moment tries to restrict her grieving to 10 - 20 minutes a day, usually in the mornings. I pushed for a bit of info about this new guy she is seeing (I know, bad move), and she was happy to share. She basically said that after our LTR, she just wanted a bit of fun, and doesn't necessarily see anything serious with him. They meet up about once a fortnight to 3 weeks, and talk a few times a week on the phone, as they live an hour and a half each away from each other. She then said she "gets from him what she needs from a boy right now", which turned out to be F-buddy related, which is what I expected. Apparently he is the complete opposite to me, comes from a poor background in terms of upbringing and financial accountability, and is a bit of a chav (not sure if you guys in the US have that phrase, but take a look on wikipedia)... not the sort of guy I would have seen her with at all - she is a Doctor and has always sort of looked down on 'chavs'.

 

Anyway, enough about her new guy. In terms of us, I mentioned that as she is coming to the house to collect something on Thursday and I probably wasn't going to be there, that I was planning on leaving her a note asking if she wanted to go out for a meal, leaving the ball in her court to make contact to arrange or not, whatever the case would be, but that as we were discussing her coming to the house I decided to mention it then. She was a bit taken aback, and then said she wasn't sure it was the right time, that she was only just starting to grieve now and only just starting to be at the point where she could remember good memories. She said she didn't mind seeing me at the house if she had to collect things etc, but a planned meeting might be too much right now, as seeing me for a prolonged time would just make things harder... an example of this was that she came to the house a few weeks ago to collect things and we spent probably 3 hours or so packing up her stuff together. As she left, she cried for a few seconds on my shoulder, said something quick along the lines of "I'm so confused", hugged me several times, and then went off. She asked me to ask her again in a month, I told her that I would leave it to her to ask me when she was ready, but she replied with "No, ask me again in a month" and was quite addiment about it, as if she wanted me to do the asking.

 

However, she then said that she was dating this guy and was looking to try dating others too, which in all fairness is what she did say when we separated. She said that if we did meet up it would be as friends, and that it wouldn't be code for anything else. I then replied with "well i do still hold some hope that we may be able to try something in the future", and she said that perhaps right now meeting up isn't the right idea if that is the case, hence waiting a month before her wanting me to ask her again. She also said that us being friends would probably be more likely if we were both dating people at the time. I pushed a bit more about about the whole "3, 6 12 months and then we could potentially look at a re-run" thing that she kept saying when we first broke up and she said that she had hoped this would be the case when we first broke up, but that her thoughts hadn't changed as much as she hoped they would and that perhaps her saying that helped her to cope (didn't help me though!). She repeated that she wasn't writing anything off, but also said that she wasn't sure that her ability to forgive and forget was big enough. She had a difficult upbringing with a step-father figure who tried to abuse her, her dad cheated on her mum etc, and so she has carried these issues with her. She also said that if we were to ever get back together, it would be a way down the road, as in 1 to 2 years from the break up, as she feels that if she was to be able to forget all the bad memories it could take this long. However, she also said that obviously by then we could both be seeing different people that we see as more than 'dates'.

 

She did sound a bit confused by what she wanted, but on the flip side was addiment with her views. Part of me feels that she somewhat regrets her decision, she was upset on the phone. She said a few times that "it would be so easy to just come back" and "she misses not being able to cuddle in the morning and night" but that as we have been separated now for 3 months, the separation had caused too much anguish for her to just be able to come back, now at least. She also said that, due to the amount of history that we have, that she didn't feel we could just switch to this 'casual' style of dating that she is trying at the moment, which is fair enough, and if I'm honest not necessarily what I would want anyway. She asked twice if I was content and happy, and I told her the first time I was and I was working on myself but the 2nd time I had to say of course I wasn't, I don't like to lie to her even though she has hidden things from me during the breakup. She said it hurts her to think that I am sad, but there isn't really much I can do about that, I can't not be honest with her!

 

So she wants to play it out. That's fine, at least I have the answer that I was searching for, I now know that I need to move on as there is no point hashing over old ground. I did hope that from the way that she has been acting more recently (more friendly, sending me the odd song to listen to etc) that there was something going on in her mind, and perhaps there is, but unfortunately she isn't prepared to discuss it and always comes back with the fact that she has made her decision... I suppose it's just a case of watching to make sure that I don't try and make bread from bread crumbs! The most upsetting thing really is that she admitted that she had been having thoughts that we were on rocky ground for upwards of 2 years, and that she fells that if she had left then rather than staying because there was too much to lose between us that we could most probably have worked on our problems and come back together as a stronger couple. Such a shame that she didn't do this, it would either have resulted in the aforementioned or at least meant that we hadn't moved on 2 years and increased our relationship and financial ties between each other. Were the last 2 years a complete lie?

 

I know now that I need to leave her to it. It's not like we are both going to disappear, we still own the house, which is something that I might look to change but am in no rush to do as it works out financially for me. I do hope she finds happiness though.

[Eocsor]

It still sounds to a certain extent that you are trying to make bread out of bread crumbs. I don't think it gets any clearer that it's over for good than this. Move on completely without any hope of getting back together for your own health.

[italiannmf24]

Probably not the best idea to ask your ex-girlfriend that's in a relationship with another guy, for sex.

[Mustachio]

After your last post I was worried that you were grasping for anything that might give you a sliver of hope, until you said at the end that you need to accept it and move on. Because even though she is beating around the bush a little, and throwing some breadcrumbs your way, she is only doing it because she doesnt want to hurt you, not because she thinks there might be chance. It is pretty clear she wants to move on.

 

You also mentioned that you think its sad that she didnt leave earlier so you could fix your issues. HAH. Sorry, but it doesnt work that way. If she had left 2 years ago when she started having these feelings, the onyl thing that would have happened is that your relationship would have ended 2 years ago instead of now. You dont leave a relationship to fix its problems.

[iBroken]

It still sounds to a certain extent that you are trying to make bread out of bread crumbs. I don't think it gets any clearer that it's over for good than this. Move on completely without any hope of getting back together for your own health.

 

Yup - it seems like she was trying to let you down gently before, but since you werent getting it, she is laying the cards on the table....shes gone.

 

Time to start the healing process

[CrazyMiner]

After your last post I was worried that you were grasping for anything that might give you a sliver of hope, until you said at the end that you need to accept it and move on. Because even though she is beating around the bush a little, and throwing some breadcrumbs your way, she is only doing it because she doesnt want to hurt you, not because she thinks there might be chance. It is pretty clear she wants to move on.

 

You also mentioned that you think its sad that she didnt leave earlier so you could fix your issues. HAH. Sorry, but it doesnt work that way. If she had left 2 years ago when she started having these feelings, the onyl thing that would have happened is that your relationship would have ended 2 years ago instead of now. You dont leave a relationship to fix its problems.

 

 

You are a wise man Mustachio. I am starting to realise that her beating around the bush tactics and the odd breadcrumb being thrown were her way of trying not to hurt me any further. She did mentioned that she had hoped we could get back together, hence why saying quite a few times that in " x amount of time after we have both healed and the dust has settled we could potentially look at a re-run". Though when we spoke the last time she basically said that her feelings hadn't changed although when she had been saying that she did hope they would, but in a way it had almost helped her to move on thinking and saying that we may be able to get back together. Pretty mean for me I suppose, but her way with dealing with things perhaps.

 

She was the one who said twice the last time we spoke that if we had taken a 'break' 2 years ago when she started to feel the way she did that we could have worked on things then and potentially come back stronger. But you're right, this may have just resulted in us not being together for the past 2 years, though in that regard were the last 2 years just lie?

 

What do I do about contacting her in a month? It's her birthday in a month and a bit and I am in two minds about whether to just send her a text or not on the day, but she was quite addiment, twice, that she wanted ME to contact HER in a month to see about going out for some food and catching up. I offered to just leave it with her to see how she felt but she came back again with "No, YOU ask ME again in a month". I don't know, I think it may just be her way of dealing with grieving, or again wanting to let me down gently, but why say twice that I was to contact her rather than just leaving the option with her? I was thinking about not contacting her in a month, maybe leaving it 3 months, but mainly so that I could work on me, and see what I felt like doing in 3 months. But then this happened:

 

In the post today a card arrived. Well, a photocopy of a card that she sent me about 6 years ago. It was an A5 normal sized greeting card, but she had written on both sides completely filling up the space. All very lovey-dovey stuff - our relationship was long distance for the first year (she lived abroad) and so we would normally do these sorts of cards when we were saying goodbye at the airport. It was all very nice, really romantic stuff, but all very teenagery if you know what I mean. Inside the envelope was a small piece of paper, in her handwriting, that just said "Remember? x". It was post marked yesterday, so she sent it after we had talked on Monday about everything.

 

I mean, what the hell is that all about? She tells me she doesn't want me yet sends me a romantic card she sent me 6 years ago? She asks me to ask her out for food in a month? I don't want to read into things but the card arriving has really annoyed me in a way. How can she be like that, surely she knows the effect it is going to have on me? I decided yesterday that it was time to move on in my grieving process, heading past acceptance etc and dealing with the next emotions down the line, but this has just really knocked me for 6! So unfair...

[CrazyMiner]

Woke up this morning and it's the first thing on my mind, plus she is coming over later to collect things, again! Unfair... bad times!

[Mustachio]

Hey Crazy, sorry I missed your last couple posts. The last few things you said were a little strange... the card is a little strange.

 

I think this girl is seriously confused about what she wants. On the one hand it sounds to me like she wants to move on so the niceties she is showing you is her way of trying to be nice about it without flat out rejecting you. I would bet she is not one who is good with confrontation. It sounds like a passive aggressive way to get what she wants. By saying nice things, but not backing them up with action maybe she hopes that eventually you will get the message without her having to come off sounding like a jerk.

 

On the other hand though... the card, her being adamant about YOU contacting her after a month. Well these I find much more difficult to interpret. It could be lingering feelings for you that she doesnt want to let go of. Or it could be her way of slowly weaning herself off those types of feelings to make it easier for her to move on.

 

Either way, she hasnt given you any real sign whatsoever that she wants to get back together so I think you should still focus on moving on with your life. If you want to contact her in a month do it. Just dont do it expecting anything except for your emotions to go crazy and you to feel worse.

 

Also, how did things go when she came to collect her things?

[mistojen]

Crazy, I read to page three and decided to just reply as is, because I am not sure even I can handle reading all of the responses you're getting. I think that the problem you perhaps didn't anticipate is that a lot of the people that come to this forum have been dumped and are hurting, so they're reading your thread through some angst-tinted glasses. I, too, was dumped and I, too, am hurting, but I can see where you're coming from so I'm going to address this as best I can and hope I didn't miss anything super significant in the last two pages worth of responses.

 

I can understand where you're coming from wanting to know if you should try to have sex with her again now that your medical issues are under control. Sex is super important in a relationship and if you don't click sexually or if you lose that spark sexually, it can be detrimental. I know, because that was also part of the reason my ex broke up with me. It was a very small part of the reason, but needless to say, he's a lot more outgoing in the bedroom and more sexually-driven than I am (I go through phases of wanting tons and tons of sex, kinky or not and then I go through phases of not wanting sex at all for months at a time and only going through the motions because I know that my significant others are a little more normally sexual than I am while I'm in that phase) and it was driving yet another rift between us. That said, toward the end of our relationship, I was going through another of my 'not interested at all in sex' phases, partially due to the palpable distance between us, but I am slowly bouncing back and debating whether to contact him for the exact same reason you're interested in contacting your ex. The difference is that I know that he's not seeing anyone (we've cut out the NC because we're too close and neither of us is hurting so much that talking to or seeing the other is setting us back anymore) and I know that if I wanted to, he would be interested.

 

I know that your heart is in the right place and at least to me it's perfectly clear that you're thinking with your heart and not your ****, but if she doesn't want to go on a date and she is possibly or definitely seeing someone else, I don't think now is the time to attempt to rekindle just because your medically driven sexual issues are under control. You also have to consider the fact that you guys probably had other underlying problems in the relationship, because sex alone probably wouldn't have ended a relationship as long and committed as yours. It could have made things difficult, of course, but I don't think that the lack of sex was the be all and end all of this particular relationship.

 

My advice is, right now wait it out but get on with your life in the mean time. If, in time, you are both single and available and you're still interested in trying to reconcile, ask her on another date, explain you'd like to attempt to reconcile and address the issues your relationship had to see if there's anyway to fix what was "broken." If she turns it down, let that be the end of it. If she takes you up on it, move slowly toward the bedroom - don't jump right into it just because now you're able. When you have your talk with her, make sure that you make her verbally aware of the way you're controlling the issues you were having in the bedroom (don't tell her you've "been practicing"; tell her about the medications you're taking and how they're affecting you positively, I mean), but leave that mostly on the backburner. Address the other issues the relationship had. If you can't fix the other problems, you guys could have the best sex in all of time and space every single day and it still wouldn't fix the relationship enough for both of you to be happy for a significant amount of time.

 

I hope that helps...best of luck.