What Do You Think About Setting Relationship Boundaries

[Silverbirch]

I've realised that in my last 2 relationships, I contributed to allowing myself to get very hurt by not sticking to the boundaries and deal-breakers I expected from my partners at the beginning of the relationships. I could have saved myself a lot of heart break if I had just said "This is what is acceptable to me and what I want. If it isn't what you want, that is okay. It just means we are not right for each other." I did that a couple of months into my last relationship. Funny thing is, my partner asked me to marry him when I did that. I didn't stay firm though and the issue came up again and again with him showing a total lack of respect for me about that issue at the end of the relationship. I'm actually referring to his friendships with other women. He had a lot of female friends. I liked all of them except for one, and it appears that they are now in a relationship. i didn't ever say he should stop seeing her, but didn't like the idea of them off on the private outings especially as she often dressed in a very provocative way. When I first got together with him, she was off the scene for a couple of months as they had a major fallout.

 

What do other people think. What boundaries do you set. Would it be acceptable to you for your partner to be going off for private lunches, etc with their friends of the opposite sex.

 

If I ever consider getting involved with anyone again, this situation will not be acceptable to me, and I will not enter into the relationship, preferring to be on my own.

[SapphireNoir10]

I've started setting boundaries, I never used to. When my most recent ex started getting wishy washy, I stuck to one of my rules. If someone isnt sure about being with me. Im gonna break up with them. Cos I dont want that.

 

all I really wasnt is respect and kindness and faithfulness.

[Eocsor]

I just want someone to be as into me as I am to them. I want somone who trusts me as much as I trust them. I want someone thats looking for a commited realtionship and is willing to have fun and try new things. That about covers it. While I realise thats very broad, I think it covers off what I will and won't accept in a relationship.

[mad rabbits]

Good post Silver.

 

You mentioned a lack of respect in your post. I think the details (a private outing with the opposite sex, which may or may not be ok, depending on the context) don't matter so much, but if I sense a lack of respect, that itself, is not acceptable.

[rosephase]

Boundaries are tools for helping people respect and understand each other. I hope to someday have relationships with very few, if any boundaries (I'm in open relationships) because the respect comes from mutual understanding and discussion as apposed to limits and hard set rules.

 

But if I'm being clear about what I need for a relationship to continue and my partner can't or won't give that to me then it's time for us to part ways. Even if the things I need aren't rational I need a partner willing to comply and work with me towards something that works better for both of us as apposed to just ignoring what I'm saying. I'm very willing to do that for my partner and any partner that is worth my time would be willing to do that for me.

[_Asti_]

I don't think I ever set 'boundaries' in my 7 years in my relationship.

Like mentioned, alot was just common sense because it was based on respect. Only once did I ever express myself at feeling uncomfortable in a female friendship he had, and when I explained how I viewed it he was so mortified and felt sick to his stomach from his actions [and her actions!], that he didn't think twice about pulling back. It was me just communicating something to him. Not me telling him to stop hanging out, because thats not what I was asking.

 

I couldn't imagine laying out boundaries that to me were just common sense of being in a relationship, of being committed and being in love and what it all entails...trust, commitment, respect, communication, etc.

[Silverbirch]

I've got two sisters who have both been happily married for many years to attractive men who are lovely, happy-go-lucky, easy-going people. That sort of thing just wouldn't happen in their marriages or even before they were married. My sisters just would not have stuck around, and the guys are just not the type.

 

With my most recent ex, when he was married, his wife used to work with an old guy who used to bring firewood around to them on weekends. My ex was so jealous of his wife's friendship with him, that he blew up and told the old guy to never come around to their home again, and he was insistent the old guy had a thing for his wife. It's an appalling case of double-standards. From what I can make out, he always had lots of female friends, mostly younger attrractive ones who he has worked with.

 

I just don't want that sort of crap in my life anymore. Interestingly, this woman who my ex has a "friendship" with has been extremely unpopular at work with other women and I know the reason she left her last job was that other women at work had written obscenities beside her name in the sign on book. My ex said it was because they were all so jealous of her because she is so beautiful. Maybe they will be a very good match with both of them being so unpopular with members of their own sex. I'm fortunate to have lots of female friends, and am friendly with men I work with, also have a male housemate, but I guess there are just automatically certain boundaries in place with them when I interract with them. One male work colleague invited himself around to my place one day when I would have been there alone. I just got this bad vibe about it and made an excuse. I did invite him around when my partner would be there, and he came just the once, and then I lost contact when he moved on to another job. Later on, another woman at work told me he had hit onto her in a way she really had not expected. Not great for one's career either.

 

It's just how I am I suppose, and really, I would want to meet someone else who is a lot like myself in that regard in which case, the issue of boundaries with regard to members of the opposite sex would not come up.

[mad rabbits]

Well sure, that's an important issue to draw a line in the sand on, but it's not the only one I'm sure! What other things would you not find acceptable?

[Silverbirch]

Hi Mad Rabbits,

Well, itwan't really obvious when I was first with the ex, but as time went by, I came to see that he did have a lot of problems in his life, and he attributed all of them to either bad luck or other people. I also came to see that he does not negotiate with people. He seems to get his own way with everything. This isn't just with me, but with other members of his family also and will sulk. His family have said on various occasions that they feel used, abused and taken for granted by him. This was especially the case when he children were growing up, and he seemed to have a lot of people to palm his children onto. I let myself be one of them unfortunately.

[Silverbirch]

Sorry, I got called away. When I think about it, I wonder if it is more a case of wanting shared values as well as the boundary issues.

 

Another thing which has been an issue in the last 2 relationships I've had is that I have come to realise, unfortunately, after a long period of time has elapsed, that the men haven't really understood or maybe even experienced what for me is real love. It's what Al Turtle calls a love which develops into "Vintage Love". For them, it has really been about sex and the newness of relationships. When conflict arises, they have not been able to accept even what I think are fairly minor differences when in fact in some very happy long relationships, partners can be quite different in many ways, but agree to disagree. This hasn't been the case with these men. When the urgency and high frequency of sex diminishes, even if only a temporary lapse, it becomes a major issue for them which they can't seem to either ride or put any work or understanding into improving.

 

As far as boundaries go, I would say the biggest thing for me has been that I have felt manipulated, even if subconsciously into accepting that their families, friends, jobs, etc have been more important than mine. My last ex begged me to help him with his children though I am sure he chooses not to remember that, and the result of that was that I had so much less time for my family and friends. I was supposed to always be this constant support to listen to him about his issues, and there were many with his ex-wife. He never considered that he should go to counselling, but even the last time I saw him, he said that I should have listened more to his issues about his ex-wfie who he has been divorced from for 8 years. He said I was especially bad at that in the last 4 months when I moved into a management position at work and was often, tired, stressed and "self-absorbed". He basically expected me to give up my life, but then found me boring and unreasonable when I did. I will NEVER make that mistake again - I may NEVER be in another relationship again.

[mad rabbits]

Yep I think it is a matter of values, not just boundaries. Actually, its a matter of character.

 

We got mixed up with guys of bad character. I was dumb enough to think this last timer around that because we weren't in a relationship it didn't matter that he was a douche. But it always matters - people we spend time and attention on in any capacity, their sh*t will stick to us (pardon my french)

 

Your story resonates with me because your ex sounds so much like mine. Just utterly self absorbed and developmentally stunted.

 

I think when you are getting to know someone and start to feel a lot for them quickly its hard to stand back and try and make an objective assessment of their character. Its a frightening thing to do because you want to believe in them and the relationship... but the reality is, there are plenty of crappy, selfish, deceitful and disordered individuals out there.

 

If you are in the mindset of red flags and boundaries it is all too easy to go, "on well this one thing he did wasn't cool, but it was the first time..." or "that was really selfish of him but last week he bought me a gift so he's not really selfish" blah blah blah

 

What we need to do instead is think along the lines of "what is this person actually like? If I were writing a story and he were a character how would I describe him? What do people in his life feel about him? What is his past???"

 

And be aware that if you don't have the information you need to make an assessment, that's a bad sign too.

 

I had all the information I needed about my ex already, I just didn't want to actually confront the reality of who he was and in turn the implications for how he would treat me.

[mad rabbits]

What you mention about previous relationships deteriorating when the newness wears off and the sex tapers off... that's a hard one.

 

Let's face it, for plenty of men (not all of course), that's why they are in it - for the excitement, the ego boost, the sex. Call me cynical or sexist (and I'm sure many will), but they are basically wired like this until they get too old and then they just want to stick their shoes under someone's bed and be taken care of. At that point they finally admit, maybe they can't do better, and stick with what they have....

 

I don't think all or even most men think of a relationship in the terms that a woman does. They think of it more as an experience. The experience is positive for a while and then when it becomes negative for whatever reason you go find some other experience.

 

So you have two options if you don't want to be someone's hand-me-down.... really examine a guy's character and try and figure out if he has a sincere interest in long range intimacy (many do), or get some old dude.

[Silverbirch]

Hi and thanks again Mad Rabbits. I did post a long reply but had a power cut so here goes again. I so agree with everything you say. NC has so been the best thing for me. It's been difficult to be faced with the reality of the situation and who he really is. I'm really not sure if I could have known who he really was until much further in the relationship. I regret very much that I ever moved with him that is for sure. I believe that there are a lot of people who are still fooled by him,but then I was for so long and saw a lot of him. Sorry if I'm repeating myself because I can't remember if this is what I was writing in the post I lost, but he has had 2 jobs where he had female managers who had initially been extremely impressed by him, and those women were responsibile for having him hired. In both cases, it looks as if those same women developed a serious dislike of him. I'd be curious to know how such turnarounds evolved. LOL

 

I was thinking a little more about this bizzo of people meeting up with members of the opposite sex. I get along with most people from work, and we have some really nice guys there. There is one who some of us women are very fond of. I had mentioned to him that my television set is broken and need to get a new one. He knew somebody who was giving a good television away so today, he went and collected it and is bringing to me at work tomorrow. Even though we women get on so well with him, we wouldn't meet up with him privately out of work even if he asked, which I just couldn't see him doing. One of the main reasons we wouldn't would be out of respect for his lovely partner. There's also a younger guy invited me to his birthday party, and I think both of these men are very different to my ex.

 

Re the guy who is giving me the telly, I know that he is one of those men who is capable of a genuine, emotional relationship with a woman by the way he talks about his partner, and things he has said about relationships, and just how he is around all of us women at work. I consider him a friend, a nice friend, and we would unlikely need to discuss boundaries with him because I think that the values are the same as ours.