I Think I May Have Been Asked on a Date Sort Of???

[Silverbirch]

Oh bum you do both think I'm being too picky. Grrrrrrr. I guess I'm used to being asked and then both people deciding. Yes, he is a friend, and friends of mine work there, and they will definitely tell me what they think of him, probably without me even asking. I know it sounds silly - it's just that it's a small place and everyone there knows about the breakup, and I suppose I would rather just go somewhere where I'm not known so well.

[NANsense]

Not "too picky" unless you are afraid of what ppl will think of him?...

 

If you aren't comfortable with the location then you could get out of it by saying "I like that place too & go there often...that being said, maybe X place would be better? Just don't want to have you go to the trouble of meeting up & not be able to focus on our conversation-- knowing we'll probably be interrupted a thousand times by all the people I know there...but if you don't mind, that's cool"

[Silverbirch]

Thanks Nanse. I'll think out some other places and take your suggestion. No, it's not that I'm worried what they will think, it's that he has "taken charge", and I would prefer and feel more comfortable if he hadn't. All of the men I have been involved with have had very strong personalities, even if I couldn't see it straight off. He seems VERY confident too and I don't like feeling overpowered. Oh, what the heck, he is just a friend, but still, I just don't want to be hanging about people, male or female where I feel a bit pushed around.

[NANsense]

ahh well set the tone now for equality & you'll be all set!

[Silverbirch]

Okay Dr. Nanse, how do you think would be the best way to go about the equality thing?

[NANsense]

LOL that's funny! I was just coming back on your thread as I remembered a quote a friend of mine always says it goes something like:

 

"You don't get what you deserve, you get what you ask for" (or 'demand', if forget which?)

 

If situations like this come up it could just be that he thinks he's taking pressure off & helping by suggesting a place or activity, right? It's hard to tell until you know him better....but IF it's his being controlling & you want to establish equality now--to ward off being in a subordinate position later...you could always say something to the effect of:

 

"BTW, I'm not one of those gals who when you ask what she wants to do, or where she wants to go, will frustrate you with 'I dunno's'. I'll tell you straight up what I like & what I don't--so don't be afraid to ask"

 

say it jokingly (with a chuckle) and he'll get the message....well, he better any way LOL

[twitchyfingers]

Hey Silver,

 

I actually thought his email was worded politely ("I was thinking...") -- especially for a guy! I would give him the benefit of the doubt here, since it is email, and tone and inflection get lost sometimes. My guy friends can be all business in email when we are making plans, to the point sometimes where it could be interpreted by some as being too direct, but it's really just them focusing on "just the facts".

 

As NAN suggested, you can politely counter-offer another venue or activity.

 

I also took his comment about being in his paddock clothes as simply setting a casual tone; sort of a friendly, come-as-you-are type of thing, perhaps even intended to put you at ease, so you don't feel like you need to get all dolled up.

 

P.S. Love the pic of you and the pretty horse!

[Silverbirch]

Hey Thanks Nan and Twitchyfingers! Maybe you're right Twitch.

[Silverbirch]

Funny thing is, this morning I realise I want to start meeting and going out with people - not like hundreds, but quite a few, and come to see what I do and don't like, and what sort of people I connect with in a positive way. Because of my interest in horses, it's mostly nice for me meeting up with other people who share that interest so that is the connection with him, but it could well be that is all it is. I realised too that I WANT to dress up and go out, and this guy is not going to be the type who is into that sort of thing.

[chitown9]

Hey Silver, i have been interested in your thread about the ex and I knew it would not be long before someone did not recognize you as the gem that you are. Just relax and let things unfold naturally. I would not do much predicting or interpreting of your friend's behavior yet. Don't worry, just be your wonderful self!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Chitown! That's very nice of you.

[Silverbirch]

Sent him a brief email asking if he had heard of another place in the next village. It's an historic post office converted into a cafe with a fire place inside - very popular and nice. Well,it's been cold and wet here. Didn't say we should go there - just "Have you ever been to . . . " Anyway, he emailed back shortly after saying he didn't know the place, but thought it sounded great, especially the fireplace with the cold, and he will have been working outside prior to coming. Said he will meet me there.

 

I got a call from my manager at work today blasting me for working to many hours and I've been ordered not to come to work tomorrow. That's a touch of good luck. I really need to get to my hairdresser. Oh, not because of "him" - for "ME".

[twitchyfingers]

The cafe with fireplace sounds lovely. And the unexpected day off is lovely, too! Enjoy your "ME" day.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks Twitchy. Have had a pretty lazy and selfish day relaxing. Went to hairdresser and got my hair colored and the style changed a bit. Looks nicer and makes me feel a bit better. Tomorrow will be a busy day as I have a lot on. Thanks to all who suggested me suggesting another venue. I'm glad I did.

[Silverbirch]

Supposed to meet in around 2 hours. It's a lovely day, but I just want to stay in bed and bail out. I'm going to force myself to go and let you know how it goes. Thanks.

[Silverbirch]

I went. It was okay. As far as friendship goes, was okay. I don't feel any chemistry for him or anyone else, and there were a few things for me which would definitely prevent anything more than friendship developing even if I wasn't emotionally unavailable as I am now. His personality is just too strong for me. He did nearly all of the talking. He mentioned several times how he doesn't compromise with partners, and that's why relationships have never lasted for him. He also mentioned a female friend who has been on the scene for 12 years. When I asked if it was a relationship, he said no, but she would like it to be a relationship at times when it suits her, otherwise she isn't available.

 

It was a bit weird though in that there are things I have in common with him. It was also weird how he was telling me the sort of woman he would like to become involved with and what he would like, and I guess I am a lot like the person he was talking about. Then he said something to me about me looking around to meet somebody else now my relationship is over. Told him that I am not looking for anyone right now, that it is the farthest thing from my mind. We talked a lot about horses and farming, families, values,all sorts of things. He leads a very independent life, says he's happy that way but does get a bit lonely sometimes. Also even though he likes to ride his horses, he doesn't do it alone because if there was an accident, it would be days before anyone found him. Anyway, he invited me out to his place some time for a ride with him. Also asked if I want to meet up with him at the local pub as he likes going there for the music and food too.

 

I said I will go. I'm feeling pretty down this evening. I posted on another thread about the ex forwarding on my mail to me,and I've been obsessing about him and feeling very, very sad. I wish I could feel better.

[Eocsor]

It's only been three months since your breakup and you still seem pretty cut up about it. Are you sure you are in a place emotionally and mentally where you want to date? It seems like you're doing it just to mask the pain and whilee it may provide some relief it's not going to fix anything. Plus, at this stage anyone you meet will just be a rebound. Do you want to risk hurting someone else? Sometimes it's better to deal with the pain outside of any other relationships. When you've processed it for a longer period of tiime you'll be in a better position to date.

[twitchyfingers]

Atta girl. I'm glad you followed through and went out even though you were feeling blue from the mail forward from your ex.

 

It sounds like you had a chance to make it clear to your guy friend that you aren't in dating-mode right now. Do you get the sense that he will be respectful of you, and not push for more than just friends?

[Success]

I'm glad you went out. At the very least, it makes you heal just a little more, if even a tiny teeny bit. At the end of the day, you didn't lose anything, you gained more perspective. Two people who wanted to experience the company of another, nothing wrong with that. It also makes you realize what more you want, do not want, and where you need to go with your healing journey.

 

Sounds like he is reasonable and just taking it slow, which is nice. If you take him up on his offers to go out again, I'd just gently remind him again where you stand so that he doesn't get the wrong idea. So the positive you can take away from this experience is you now have another friend and a clearer idea as to what you want in a prospective partner.

 

Hope you feel better about the ex. Unfortunately, sadness is part of the healing process.

[Silverbirch]

Hey Thanks, yes, I have made it very clear to him that I am not looking for a relationship. As we do have the horsey thing in common, we likely will meet up with regard to that. I had offered a while back to help him out with some difficult ponies he was working with who needed an additional handler while he worked on their hooves. I doubt that he would get pushy, but I do get the sense that if I was interested, he'd be happy with that. Like I said though, even if I was interested, there are other things about him which would stop me from getting involved, especially the other woman he spoke of - huge red flag. I will be certain that if the subject does come up about relationships, that I'm not looking for any involvement with anyone. As I already knew him for around 18 months before the break-up, it's not like I've gone out looking to especially meet men, and I know now that I really don't want to go on dates for a while. Thanks everyone.

[TiredOfGames]

Hey Silver! It would be good to keep the horsey thing in common, maintain that same friendship you've shared with him for some time now. I agree with your red flags following your date. That 12 year friendship sounds a little risky, especially given her on and off feelings regarding a relationship with him. I thought that the "doesn't compromise with partners" was interesting too, and a tad scary. I'm surprised someone would say something like that on a date, but I guess it's better to know up front rather than find out later on. I've always thought that compromising was an important part of any relationship, part of the foundation even. Perhaps not for everyone!

[Silverbirch]

Hi TOG, I think you are absolutely right. There were quite a few things he said which don't sit right with me. I do think that now I have stuck my toe in the water, I'm sort of interested to see what else is out there even if I don't want iserious nvolvement just yet.

 

Funny thing, when I met my ex, there were NO red flags I could detect except for one thing I noticed after a while and told my girlfriends about. That was that he took me out to dinner during the week - always said he was doing things on the weekend with his children. I think he was looking around and I hadn't got to his weekend girlfriend status yet at that time. In fact, I wasn't a girlfriend until he found out that I was planning on going out with some other men and then he fell apart. That guy is all about the chase, and after a while, he will likely get bored with these ones too. Regarding his "friend" the hairdresser, he'd said a couple of things to me about her which were definitely not complimentary, but what did ring alarm bells for me was how he said she looked like a "silly old bag lady" when she died her blonde hair red. Duh, like how interested will he be when she gets lines on her face? Oh, and despite him being overweight himself, he has told me he is only attracted to slim women. Yeah, it often takes a while to see the red flags,and it peeves me that I turned a blind eye to when they did show because I had felt by then I was emotionally invested in the relationship. I've now taken my rose-colored glasses off.

 

Thanks again.

[Silverbirch]

Hi all, well 2 months later, this guy is still on the scene, and we're having a bit more contact. The meet-up for coffee was a bit disappointing, but I'll admit it was partly because of my headspace at the time. I do think I need to make sure I am really being myself and not letting men push me around, and that I shouldn't try to be over-accommodating. I know that sounds stoopid, but I think in retrospect, I was way too accommodating to the men in my last 2 previous relationships.

 

Anyway, our friendship is continuing to develop, and I look forward to seeing him. He did ask me out again a couple of weeks ago, but I told the truth, that I was working, and he didn't ask again, but we''ve caught up more informally. Some of you would know, that we have both rescued a pony that was orphaned and left homeless in the bushfires and having quite a lot of contact with each other - a lot of it to do with the pony. We're also doing other horsey things together.

 

Since I last wrote, I have seen my ex, and I don't want to be with him anymore. I've been hurt enough by him,and as time has gone by, I've processed things, and I don't think he is a very nice person. I don't respect him anymore, and if I can't do better than him, I would rather stay on my own.

 

I'm pretty happy being single most of the time, but I have to admit, that I really like this guy definitely as a friend, and maybe more now, and I'll fess up to sometimes finding him attractive. I'm seeing him tomorrow. He left something here a couple of days ago. I offered to leave it out for him in case I'm not here, but he replied saying he would rather I was home when he called by so we could have a cup of tea and catch up.

 

I'm tired of crying for my ex. I don't want him back, but I admit to still feeling hurt and betrayed sometimes. Thing is, I'm sick of all of that taking space in my life. I want to look to the future now. I'm telling myself that my ex was in my "old life", but I have a "new life" now and he isn't part of it - and I don't want him to be either. (He says he wants us to be friends and see each other as friends. . . . I don't think so).

 

Just thought I'd give the update. I'm not rushing into anything with anyone, and I think I'm going to have a nice friend at least . . . but maybe more.

[Silverbirch]

OMG, I really had the urge to read back on this post. If anyone has read this from the beginning, apart from a couple of oldies, youlikely wouldn't know that this guy and I did get together in September and are still together, and right at this point, very, very happy. So much has happened in our lives in that time. Not all that long after we got together, each of us was admitted to hospital with serious illness, and each of us helped the other through.

 

He developed some type of infection in his leg which was not initially responding to Penicillin or antibiotics, and there was even discussion about the possibility of amputation if there continued to be no improvement. He had 2 hospitalisations for it and quite a lot of time at home sick. Then in early December, something painless but weird happened to me and I fronted up at a hospital, was admitted immediately and shortly after, diagnosed with cancer. I had surgery and have been cancer-free since then and the prognosis is very good. I haven't required chemo or radiotherapy although I will need to be tested until I am 10 years cancer-free.

 

What I can say for certainty is that this guy has definitely NOT been a rebound. There have been a few ups and downs. In just about every case, this has been either because he was on his own for such a long time, very used to his own company and maybe in his own way, insecure about being with someone. I can say outright that ALL problems from me have been due to massive insecurity due to feeling very let-down and hurt from previous relationships. It is looking though that each of us is overcoming this. I saw him today and I feel so happy and we spoke tonight as we do most nights before we go to sleep, and I know he is very happy too. We're planning on getting a place together at some point in time. I think that's likely to be in around a year's time.

 

To anyone new, I am totally sincere in saying that I am so grateful my ex dumped me. The way he broke up with me and how he was after the breakup forced me to take off the rose-colored glasses. The fact that I was very hurt after that stopped me from getting involved with this new guy too quickly and so I got to know him more as a friend - it made the involvement with him so much better when the time was right for both of us.

 

I've also since been contacted by my ex, and went to collect more of my things. I'm a very different person now, and I think what I have with this current man is so much better than anything I ever had with any of the exes.

 

There is life after exes.