I Think I May Have Been Asked on a Date Sort Of???

[Silverbirch]

I've been acquainted with a man over the last year and a bit. He works in the equine industry and comes out to my ponies. My housemate and his girlfriend have joked for a while that they think he likes me, saying they can tell by his body language and the fact that what he comes out to do should only take 20 minutes but he is always out here for several hours when he comes, and we chat a lot. He's an excellent horseman, a real natural.

 

It was strange because a couple of days after the ex dumped me, and I was in a really bad way, this man who comes out to the horses telephoned me. He would have had no way to know anything was amiss. He said, he wasn't ringing for business, he was ringing to see how I was as I had been on his mind, and he now considers me a friend. I didn't tell him about the break-up or anything. Anyway, the next time he came out, around a week later, I was still in a very bad way, and was quite physically ill. My eyes were very red, and he asked me what had happened. I told him, not every single detail of course.

 

I only need him to come out to the horses every couple of weeks, but we have had a small amount of emails since then. He has definitely extended the hand of friendship to me. He has asked me if I would like to take a joy flight of the valley where I live, he has a pilot's licence and flys light aircraft. He's also asked me for coffee, and tonight suggested that we might go to the local some time for a meal and some music. Very casual of course.

 

I'm still pretty heart-broken and struggling with things a good deal of the time although I'm really putting in an effort. I'm definitely not interested in getting involved with anyone at the moment, and I get the impression this guy wouldn't be pushing for anything. Funny thing is that my social life is pretty much booked up for a couple of weeks so I couldn't likely go until another 4 weeks as I work every second weekend.

 

Do you think this is okay if I'm going because I would like the friendship, and that I like him as a person. I mean, I really can't bear the thought of anything with anyone atm and don't anticipate I would for a while. Another thing is that this time in my single life, I want to do things so differently. No more being swept off my feet. I also don't trust my own judgement so well anymore. One of my friends had warned me to take things more slowly with my most recent ex, but I guess I really fell for him in such a big way, I didn't want to go out with anyone else. I don't want to do that again.

 

Well, sorry for the rant, but I just wanted to tell people because it feels good to be reminded that life might well carry on despite this break up.

[Silverbirch]

Um, I was hoping someone might say go or don't go or give me some advice.

[Success]

That's awesome! Good for you... GO! GO! GO!

 

It sounds like this guy is taking it slow and starting off with friendship, which is perfect for you. If that concerns you then before accepting his invitation I would remind him that you're looking at friendship, which sets the boundaries clear from the get go. I'm sure he will understand and respect your position. If not, then you know where he stands and not to go out with him.

 

You say you're not ready to be with anyone atm, but as the saying goes ... Things happen when we least expect them! You also mention your schedule is pretty booked for the next 4 weeks, but when you end up liking someone you always find a way to make time. It sounds like you are trying to rationalize and justify why you can't/should not be with him, and I'd venture to say this is out of fear of getting hurt as a result of your breakup. Protecting yourself is perfectly normal though and quite understandable after a breakup. However, when an opportunity presents itself you must take initiative and seize the moment. I'm not saying sleep with the guy or get intimate, but I say go out with him and ENJOY the moment and ENJOY living again. Being with someone new, if even just as friends, reminds you that life does go on and that will only hasten your healing. He seems understanding and willing to move at your pace, what's there to lose? If things start moving too fast and make you uncomfortable, remind him again of your position. By the sounds of things it seems like maybe he's lonely and would like some nice company.

 

Good luck and I hope you go out with him!

[unsure1]

Hi Silverbirch,

 

Since I just recently got out of a long term relationship, I can understand that you can't think of being with anyone else. I think it would be a good distraction and you aren't committing to anything more than friendship--you're in control.

[TiredOfGames]

I second everything Success just said. Definitely go! I don't think you have anything to lose and this could be a great boost to your self-esteem and confidence. You may well make a good new friend for life, if not more in the future. Plus you'll have a GREAT excuse to wear your new sexy boots!

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks Success. I think I will have a good friend in him if nothing else which is fine and hopefully I can be a good friend to him too.

 

He probably is lonely, he works 2 jobs and is studying hard for a qualification as he has had a big change in employment at midlife, but it's a sort of dream for him come true. As well, he has lots of animals of his own, including horses and the property he lives on to take care of. He has to live a life of early to bed, early to rise so likely doesn't get out all that much.

 

My housemate's girlfriend said to me a while back: "He fancies you . . . . go on, you could do worse than him . . . he's alright." The ex used to say to me how my housemate's girlfriend could never look him in the eye and barely said 2 words to him in over a year. He thought she was odd, but has been very friendly to me since he has been off the scene - I have said virtually nothing about the ex to her since the breakup. She's been very nice, she and the housemate invited me out with them last week, and she was trying to get me interested in men there all night, and trying to clue me up into strategies of social interaction with men. LOL, she's good at it. I think I'm a hopeless student.

[Silverbirch]

Hey thanks Tiredofgames! Yes, I will go and wear the sexy new boots and in fact, I will do my best to look sexy in a non-skanky way - not to get him - just because I want to be sexy for me if that makes sense.

[Eocsor]

Sounds great...But... Most guys aren't interested in just friendship Not if they are putting in the time to set up dates and outings. Sojust be prepared for the fact that he expects more than just someone to talk to.

[TiredOfGames]

Hey thanks Tiredofgames! Yes, I will go and wear the sexy new boots and in fact, I will do my best to look sexy in a non-skanky way - not to get him - just because I want to be sexy for me if that makes sense.

 

Skanky = Bad!

Sexy = Fantastic!

 

Being sexy for yourself makes a lot of sense. It's all part of loving oneself first before being able to love others. I think it's fantastic that you've been asked out and that you are keeping yourself so busy!

[Success]

Sounds great...But... Most guys aren't interested in just friendship Not if they are putting in the time to set up dates and outings. Sojust be prepared for the fact that he expects more than just someone to talk to.

 

True, but all great relationships start off as friendship first. At the end of the day, we all want love and companionship. The first step is friends.

[Eocsor]

True, but all great relationships start off as friendship first. At the end of the day, we all want love and companionship. The first step is friends.

 

True. As long as you aren't just using the guy to feel better about yourself theres nothing wrong with going out. But if you truly aren't over the ex and are just using him for an ego boost thats wrong.

[TiredOfGames]

I think it's more about getting one's feet wet, venturing into something not knowing whether it will lead to friendship or more. Rather than an ego boost I thinks it's just about getting out there and trying something we thought we would never have to do again, and there's a lot of unsureness about that. One never knows unless one tries. I'm not fully over my ex yet but I am at a point where I'm ready and willing to give dating a try again. I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now, but then someone might just come along that changes my mind about that too.

[Eocsor]

I think it's more about getting one's feet wet, venturing into something not knowing whether it will lead to friendship or more. Rather than an ego boost I thinks it's just about getting out there and trying something we thought we would never have to do again, and there's a lot of unsureness about that. One never knows unless one tries. I'm not fully over my ex yet but I am at a point where I'm ready and willing to give dating a try again. I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now, but then someone might just come along that changes my mind about that too.

 

I think thats a healthy approach though. You've accepted that it's over with your ex for good, and while still a little raw, you're ready to live life again. You're willing to take a chance if something comes your way. Thats a really good thing.

 

I think it's people who are still sort of waiting for the ex to come back, and use dating as a way to kill time, that are making a mistake because the person you're dating doesn't stand a chance and is basically being used.

[TiredOfGames]

[...] I think it's people who are still sort of waiting for the ex to come back, and use dating as a way to kill time, that are making a mistake because the person you're dating doesn't stand a chance and is basically being used.

 

That's very true and I've come accross stories around the forums that fit that bill. Not healthy for either party, and particularly insensitive toward the other person.

[Silverbirch]

Oh Hi and thanks all. Well, I'll just be careful and see how things go. I really hope there is no expectation for anything to develop because it's way too early, I'm not over the ex, and I'm not being pushed into anything. I just want to start living life again, and we could certainly have companionship. I wouldn't think that I am his only female friend, and we don't even know each other properly.

[NANsense]

I definitely think he is interested in more than just being friends--but as long as you are prepared to tell him that you are either strictly looking for a friendship--or that you are not prepared to begin a rlshp now and might not be for a long while then I agree with all the posters who said GO FIR IT!

 

Just be straight with him

 

PS sorry abt your recent break-up--it sounds like it was rough

[Kev0s1983]

This is great stuff silver

 

It doesnt really sound like a first date type of gig and you guys sort of know eachother anyway. There wont be any awkwardness and its good to go out and have fun have a great time!

[twitchyfingers]

Hi Silver,

 

I would say just be brutally honest with him (you know how guys are, sometimes you gotta BLUDGEON them with direct statements or they don't get it): let him know in plain talk that you are available only for friendship. You may even have to say it thrice for it to sink in.

 

Of course, this will only make you more alluring to him, but that's his problem.

 

The scenic flight sounds amazing. I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

What type of horses/ponies do you have? I grew up with horses...miss them so in my big city life.

[Silverbirch]

True. As long as you aren't just using the guy to feel better about yourself theres nothing wrong with going out. But if you truly aren't over the ex and are just using him for an ego boost thats wrong.

 

Well, I wouldn't be just using him because I genuinely like him, but will freely admit that it does give me a bit of a lift knowing that despite my ex making it clear that I'm not up to his standards or expectations, that there could be some people, male and female, friends, whatever, who actually like me the way I am and find me plenty good enough. I've read on ENA about the aim of accepting that the ex doesn't want to be with me, but that one day, I might meet a person who does. My last 2 exes left me for other women, younger women too, and I'll also freely admit, yes, I feel damaged and hurt by that, but I do want to get over it all and move on with my life.

 

When I first met my most recent ex, I thought, well he's nothing to look at, but he's a lovely person and the type of man I would like to be with. Even my grown up son was ecstatic when he met him saying: "Mum, I've always wanted you to meet a man like that." Well, it's looking very much to me that my most recent ex had a lot of people fooled - apart from his ex-wife.

 

This new man friend would be considered by the vast majority of women as far more physically attractive than my ex. I've realised that my ex has no problems surrounding himself with other women because he can be Mr. Charm. I asked him a couple of months ago what was going on between him and his brother-in-law - why do they dislike each other so much. He said to me that his brother-in-law is envious of him because he has always had very pretty partners, and his brother-in-law is baffled at how my ex manages it. I think this other man would be a lot more fun than my ex too.

 

This new man friend wouldn't be considered Mr. Charm, but he's a pleasant enough person. He seems to also be liked by men, more than my ex is. If what he says is true, he is on good friendly terms, though not close with his ex-wife who has remarried. He told me it was his fault the marriage ended because he was selfish and his wife did all the housework and childcare. He said he regrets it, and he deserved his wife to leave him, that it had been the kick up the oss he deserved. My ex on the other hand, takes not responsibility for his marriage break-up, his wife's animosity towards him, his estrangement from his daughter, a whole long list of things. I do not know of one situation where he takes blame for anything.

 

I guess what I am saying is, I think there is a real possibility that this man is more REAL than my ex. I don't know for sure yet.

 

Whilst I know I am unable to be with a man in the physical sense right now, if I was, if I ever will be, I would definitely like to get to know this man, and there would be a possibility that I might be interested in more than friendship. I do know that I have a lot of things about myself to sort out first.

 

I need to become the best person I can be for me. I also need to work out what I consider appropriate boundaries and deal-breakers in relationships and be very firm on this. It was because I was not strong enough in my previous relationships with regard to these matters that I ended up being treated badly and discarded. Early in the relationships, I had in fact, communicated concerns I had about deal-breakers and let myself get talked down, told the problem was that I was insecure and untrusting. Never again, if any man ever wants to be in an exclusive relationship with me, I do know what some of those deal-breakers are. If they don't want that type of relationship, I wouldn't go so far as to say they are defective, just that we would not be right for each other, and I will want to move on if that is the case.

 

Sorry, I know this has been a rant and maybe I seem like I have gotten off-track here, but yes, I think I would like to get to know him more, and I'm not planning on using him. I did communicate to him that I have been very depressed, but have taken steps to get on with things and get out there socialising, and that I have chosen not to have any future contact with the ex - adding that "I owe that to myself". That's about all I've said about it, and probably all I need to say just at this point in time.

 

Hey Twitchy, I have a gorgeous white shetland mare and a Welsh Mountain Pony, chestnut with a white blaze and socks. If you transfer the address to your browser, there is a pic of me with a friends horse taken on Saturday. He is part quarter horse. Had a ride on him, and maybe later on, get a horse like him for gentle riding. I put up a horsey post in the pet section, but nobody replied. Maybe we should meet up there for some horse talk.

 

Thanks for reading and posting!

[Silverbirch]

Hi,

Got another email from him last night. We will probably catch up for a coffee next week. Will let you know how it goes. Thanks All.

[Silverbirch]

Supposed to be catching up Wednesday for coffee. It will depend on his work though as there is a possibility he will not be able to get away. I just replied and said, no worries, we can catch up some other time, and left it at that. I will leave further contact to him.

 

As time is going by, I have found myself bereft of respect for the ex. Even if he did come back, why would I want him? I'm only just started to feel settled again at work, and people are saying I am looking LOTS better, and there is no way I am going to allow such a self-serving person like him to pull me down again.

[Silverbirch]

Am I being too picky?? Not sure if it is a red flag or not. No worries if it is because he can stay permanently in the friendzone. Got an email from him saying where he wants to meet. Admittedly, it is close to where I live, but I know a lot of people there and I really would rather not go there. So after he says: "I was thinking at XYZ", he adds "My favourite eatery (near where he lives) is closed that day. Then he adds, I will be in paddock clothes. Um, fine by me, but I hope that means he will be wearing a shirt. I think what it means is, "Just so you know, I will not make any effort to look presentable." Would anyone else think it a bit inappropriate that I wasn't asked where I might want to go? Even my girlfriends would ask that. Do you think I should suggest somewhere else because I don't want to go to the place he said "I am thinking". Yep, definitely the friendzone. Makes me feel like running a mile. Am I weird?

[RISK]

Have fun keep up posted. Sound like God is at work.

[RISK]

I like that he is a little take charge, Shows he is a man's man. Breathe.... it's just a guy.

[NANsense]

I would take this as he doesn't have time to go home & shower & change after work....no biggie!

 

I also like that he took charge and named a place near you--for your convenience & really, if you don't feel comfy meeting a friend at a place you go to with your friends...then maybe you shouldn't meet him?