Really struggling...anyone else struggling?

[SapphireNoir10]

I want to be sick

 

His ex treated him appallingly and he stayed with her for a year and a half

 

I was lovely to him and he didnt want me

 

Ouch

[SapphireNoir10]

I really need help I cant stop crying and I dont get why he claims to love me and want to be with me...but hes not sure he can just incase i turn out like his ex or this turns out like his ex cos our argument reminded him of her...

 

AHHH

[sadchick83]

You may of broke up with him, done the deed, but sounds like he made you do the dirty work. Of course you broke up with him as any self respecting person would do.

You need a guy who will treat you like gold during this difficult time

[SapphireNoir10]

I was truly lovely to him though

 

And he claims to love me

 

but is to scared of me hurting him or being like his ex

 

yet he was with her nearly two years and stuck b y her thru every arguemnt, he didnt just dump her like this...or force me to dump him,. whatever

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel so damn rejected

[SapphireNoir10]

You know how it sucks in a break up cos, you want them back, but if you got them back..it wouldnt work cos you wouldnt trust them

[SapphireNoir10]

I still havent changed the status on facebook...im waiting for him to do it...but that'll hurt more

 

lose/lose :S

[oldenoughtoknow]

I'm really sorry you're going through this, Sapphire. My last breakup sounded just like this. I was probably too nice to her, and she couldn't get past being afraid of me hurting her. She kept distancing herself and refused to talk about making anything better, so I broke it off. For months afterward, she still claimed to love me, I guess as much as she's capable, but we never reconciled.

 

Keep in mind, we're all walking wounded. We're all looking for someone we can hold closely without our best of intentions stabbing their past emotional scars, and vice versa. I know that doesn't ease the pain, but you will feel better someday soon. Don't beat yourself up, or look for a logical answer. You did nothing wrong. Sometimes, it just wasn't meant to be. Just know there's somebody out there for you. And all that you have to do to find him, is to just be yourself. Warm thoughts.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you. It helps. It does.

 

I just feel like why was his ex good enough and im not, even though she was awful, that hurts me.

 

I was so good to him, he even said it wsa the best time of his life, but his heads messed up and hes afraid of getting hurt or becoming suicidal like he did after her.

 

After one argument.

[SapphireNoir10]

He said he'll probably want to get back together, but he respects me breaking up with him because i dont want to sit around waiting for him tow ork it out

 

he asked for 3-4 days to think ,but i couldnt go through that, i've done it before...it'd kill me

 

i'd rather go through the grief now...even if he decides he wants to be with me...if we argue or anything tough happens, he'll run away

[Silverbirch]

Saphire, sadly I've had to come to believe that way I get clarity is not by believing what my ex says to me, but by looking at his actions. Don't be fooled into believing that he considered the ex far above you. Maybe she ditched him eventually and he respects her a bit more. Who knows. If he had truly thought you were that bad, he likely wouldn't have been with you in the first place. He needs some type of therapy - long-term therapy and we can't be their counsellors.

[SapphireNoir10]

Yeah she broke up with him in the end.

 

I wonder if its because of his constant up and down. The constant 'I love you wanna marry you' 'we argued i dunno if i wanna be with you'#

 

But he was wanting to break up with me, so i did it for him...but in a weird way i want him to tell me he didnt mean it

 

My parents are glad,...tehy saw me trying to make him happy all the time and saw he didnt do anything nice for me...and they say hes probably too ashamed to contact me after his rant

[Batya33]

You may never know why but you will know he did you a favor by freeing you up to find a healthy, fun relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

Thats what is keeping me going. Knowing I can find someone who will do little nice things for me, who will text and call and who will respect me and love me for me...not who he wants me to be, and who WONT Give up on me the moment things get tough.

[SapphireNoir10]

I cant stop crying though, just feeling mega rejected

[Batya33]

Sounds to me he was no longer into the relationship the first time he raised his "doubts" -the positive stuff right after had more to do with you jumping through hoops to please him but it was inevitable that he was going to provoke an argument as an excuse to leave. So, it's not that he left at the first argument, it's that from the beginning he did not have the right mindset or perspective to have a long term relationship.

[SapphireNoir10]

I agree. I feel like he wasnt ready to be in ANY relationship. BEcause he cant handle arguing, and he cant handle someone upsetting him by being less than perfect or not exactly what he wants. He said on the phone he accepts no blame and its ALL on me. All of it.

 

Hes just so hot/cold.

 

It just sucks he wasnt into the relationship, that makes me think 'its all on me' 'why couldnt he love me/why wasnt i good enough'

[SapphireNoir10]

I NEED to take him off facebook, delete and block him...but that makes it final

 

but if i wait till he does it

 

i'll feel worse

AHHH

[Batya33]

I agree. I feel like he wasnt ready to be in ANY relationship. BEcause he cant handle arguing, and he cant handle someone upsetting him by being less than perfect or not exactly what he wants. He said on the phone he accepts no blame and its ALL on me. All of it.

 

Hes just so hot/cold.

 

It just sucks he wasnt into the relationship, that makes me think 'its all on me' 'why couldnt he love me/why wasnt i good enough'

 

Again I wouldn't go down the "I'm going to try to analyze him" path -because you're biased and not a professional and you'll never really know. I know you're hurting but even the worst case scenario -that he wasn't that into you- well that happens in life especially early on in a relationship -that's when people often decide whether a relationship has long term potential.

[SapphireNoir10]

Its just he always seemed so into me when we were together. Affectionate etc...crazy mixed signals. I wish if he wasnt that into me he'd been honest, rather than dragging out an unpleasent situation for two weeks.

[Silverbirch]

Sappire, some people are so into their partners in the beginning. it's almost like a drug to them becaus for a short while it makes them feel better about themselves and their lives. I believe I havwe good reason to believe this is the most likely case with my ex. I know I'm not a professional, but from what you have posted, it isn't rocket science to see this person is a control freak with emotional problems of their own. His inability to look at his own contributions to situations, his defensiveness and hypersensitivity to what he perceives as criticism and his projections onto others, his rantings, screams of Cluster B Personality Disorder.

[SapphireNoir10]

He admitted to having mild aspergers...that probably explains a lot. But he told me it was so mild it wouldnt affect us.

[myheadvsheart]

One thing to accept Sapphire is that his mistreat isn't anything to frame as justified or not compared to how another ex treated him. At the end of the day - you're getting *HIS* story about how she treated him. So you cannot compare your interaction to him based on his interpertation of how someone else did. We take ourselves with us to every new relationship. If he was barking at you from 1-4 in the morning, and you were with him after another ex treated him poorly - I'd question that. His mistreating you - it's likely she dealt with kind of verbal nonsense on a regular basis and put up with it longer than you. Another way to think is that you're sparing yourself the grief, that she put up with for much longer. He can always claim he's a victim after the fact - but she chose to leave him. Something else and I'm trying to remind myself of this...if someone has a hard time being truthful in a previous relationship it's unrealistic to think it will be easier for them to be truthful when they are in relationship with you. The same fears, tension is there, when they are invested. We like to think we make it easier, but it's their issue. best of luck. Hope tomorrow is better.

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Sapphire. I know exactly where you are coming from and how you feel because I've been struggling with the same stuff myself, and my ex sounds like an older version of yours. I work with people with Autism and Asperger's and don't know if that would be the cause of his behaviours whilst some people with Asperger's can't experience empathy in the same way as most people. There are people with Asperger's who don't behave in the way you have described. Whatever the cause, you are far better off without him.

 

I hope that one day, I meet a person who is like the person who I thought my ex was - but I want the REAL DEAL. I'm not going to get swept off my feet, I will have very clear boundaries, and I won't compromise on deal-breakers. If I don't meet anyone who can't meet up with those things, well, I might stay on my own, and maybe be a bit like my own version of Samantha from Sex in the City! LOL!

[Batya33]

I think it's ok to need two weeks to decide whether to continue in a relationship but he probably shouldn't have said all he said as far as all the flowery/romantic talk. Good take away for next time -focus more on the actions than the words in the beginning especially. Hope you're feeling better today.