Is this a cultural difference or am I in the wrong?

[Trammel]

I am an American living in Italy with my girlfriend for the past 13 years. I had a really dysfunctional family, so often there are things that happen and I don’t understand if they seems strange to me because it’s a cultural difference (i.e., not something that Americans usually do) or it is something that “normal” people do all over the world and it only seems strange to me because my family was so screwed up.

This specific case is about what is “normal” to do when someone is in the hospital dying. Last year, my girlfriend’s grandmother went into the hospital with pneumonia. It was clear it was really serious and her grandmother basically raised her, so she was a really important person in her life. My girlfriend surprised me because she spent basically 23 hours a day at the hospital by her grandmother’s side until she died. In the meantime I took off of work and took care of the kids (my partner works part time and is the Mom in the equation, I’m much more like the dad, not that I don’t spend a lot of time with the kids, I do). I thought that her actions were excessive, but I really tried to support her and be there for her. I was trying to hide my feelings and I wasn’t going to say anything, but she realized I was angry with her. It is really hard for me not to show my feeilngs. Usually she knows how I feel about something before I even realize how I feel.

She asked me why I was angry with her. So, I told her that I didn’t think she should be destroying herself in this way, not sleeping, not seeing the kids. But she told me that she thought I would understand why she was doing it, and that she would expect me to do it for her. So now she has basically told me that I really let her down in that situation, and it's kind of impossible to talk about it with her (after about 2 weeks, her grandmother did pass away). I am totally not saying that I was angry that she made me take care of the kids. I was just annoyed that she decided to do this (spend 24 hours a day at the hospital), and didn’t even tell me that that’s what she was doing. I basically had to work it out for myself when she didn’t come home for the night.

I want to know if Americans would do what she did, stay by the sick person’s side in the hospital 23 hours a day, to the point where you don’t eat, you don’t sleep, you put your own health at risk. I have no frame of reference. I was even shocked to find out that I was supposed to “put on a brave face” when I saw her grandmother in the hospital, and not cry. I had to ask an Italian friend of ours if that was “normal” to do as well.

 

If this helps to understand my situation, my father died when I was 23, but there was no “normal” grieving or anything in that situation. My mother was still married to him but they hated each other, and the week after he died, after sending me a card saying “I’m sorry for your loss” my mother told me that she was glad he was dead and he was probably burning in hell. A few weeks after that I cut off all contact with my mother and haven’t spoken to her since.

 

Basically, I know I’m wrong, but I just want to know if I’m wrong according to Italian customs, or if I’m also wrong according to American customs.

[tattoobunnie]

Without a doubt, I would be there. If you kid was in the hospital, would you want them to die alone? If you were in a ditch, and about to die, would you want to be waved hello to while you were down there, or would you want someone going down to the ditch to help you out?

 

It's a matter of being abandoned in the greatest moment of need. You just don't. It's not an Italy thing, it's a world-wide thing.

 

When a person is on their deathbed, you want to cherish every last moment you have with them.

[jenny_mcs]

I think you are in the wrong, not because of Italian or American traditions, but because I can't imagine getting *angry* at my partner because they are spending all day/night at the deathbed of the relative that raised them. There is no right or wrong way to act in this situation- this is when a partner needs your complete support and understanding for however they choose to handle things. It is not for you to judge whether what she did was excessive. I think you did act selfishly in getting angry at the time she spent at her grandmother's deathbed.

 

Stop thinking about it in terms of customs. This is how your partner chose to act as her grandmother lay dying (and personally, I think it is loving & devoted). She needed your full support and acceptance.

[itsallgrand]

I always thought of that as a rather universal thing. When someone close to you is dying, you do whatever you can to be with them. You do whatever you can to help ease their pain and fear and want whatever time you can with them.

 

Yes, it probably would have been better if she had told you that was her plan of action. However, she was probably grief stricken. It's not a time to get hung up on that. And yes, your concern over her health and welfare during that time was understandable too. And I personally don't judge you for getting angry. As someone who can understand the idea of feeling like you aren't always sure what to do in situations because of your own background, sometimes unexpected feelings come up. Heck, sometimes unexpected feelings come up simply for anyone because it is a stressful and difficult situation. It's how you deal with them that really counts. You could have handled it better.

 

But as a general rule, usually what seems to me that standard that you can count on is that when someone close to your partner is dying, or if someone at all you are close to is going through something like that, it's your turn to be a support for a while. If there is concern about how many hours they are at the hospital, I'd go and check on them. Bring supper. Drag them out of the room for a bit for a coffee or walk and talk. Whatever is needed.

 

I think it is very loving and devoted as well that your partner was there for her grandmother like that. You've got a good woman, someone who will stand by you in hard times and not just the good. That's rather priceless. And I totally understand her feeling hurt by your behavior too: I think you need to show her now that you can be trusted to be there to support her in the hard times. She's vulnerable and needs someone to lean on.

[Trammel]

thanks for your comments. I know I was in the wrong, I was trying to understand how in the wrong I was.

[chitown9]

I don't think it is a matter of you being in the wrong, and the way she conducted herself during her grandmother's decline was just the way she handled it. It was not a cultural thing. I think that it would have been better if she had discussed with you her game plan to practically live at the hospital with you. That would have been the ideal way for her to have handled the situation, but at the time she had tunnel vission. The only thing on her mind was to be there for her grandmother. In the turmoil of her emotions she did not convey to you things that should have been conveyed to you. But then again, she knew that you would handle things in her absence. Really what this was is a case of miscommunitcation due to no communication. You were not "in the wrong" in this situation.

 

The important thing to do NOW is to discuss what happened should a similar situation arise in the future. I would concentrate my efforts to console your girlfriend during this time of grieving.

If I were in your shoes I would ask her what you can do to support her during this time of grieving.