Back together but falling into old patterns

[sophie75]

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last month, citing an inability to be a good boyfriend to me. He said he was tired of being the person who was constantly hurting me, and that he cared for me very much, but couldn't handle being in a relationship with anyone. That he was too irresponsible and selfish. At 28 years old he had only had one long term relationship (in college) and has pretty much been a serial dater since turning 21. I was the first person he saw for more than a month. We had a good time when together but, everytime we'd get closer, he'd take two steps back and distance himself from me. If I let him do it and didn't comment on it, everything would be fine and he'd pop back up a few days later. But, every once in awhile I wouldn't be able to take it, and I'd question our status. He'd deny that anything was wrong, we'd be good for a date or two, and then he'd retreat again.

 

When we broke up, I was very upset because I was in love with him, but I accepted that he would probably never love me, and forced myself to quickly recover and get on with my life. The night of the breakup, he asked if we could be friends, and I said I didn't think it was possible. He stressed that he really wanted to have me in his life, and that he would do whatever necessary to make that happen, but I resisted. I knew it would be unwise for me, and I told him so. He and I both had an out of town wedding that we had to attend the following weekend, so he proposed NC til that time, and asked that I just think about his request for friendship in the interim. I didn't. I was done. I immediately tried to get on with my life and forget him. And I did. Or so I thought....

 

We saw one another over the 4 day wedding weekend, and I was polite, but was clearly avoiding him. He approached me many times. I would be friendly and upbeat, but I would cut the convo short and move along. I figured he was just trying to be gracious anyway, as I was the only one who had feelings in the relationship. I would keep my chin up, smile and be social, and cry when I got back to the hotel.

 

On the last day, I agreed to take a walk with him. He said that he was sorry, that he has problems with commitment and "defining" things. And he, for the first time ever, told me that he loved me, and said that he was so sorry it had taken him so long to figure it out. And he asked for another chance. I wanted it to work, of course, so I agreed to take him back.

 

Initially it was fantastic. This unemotional, unaffectionate person was now holding my hand constantly, kissing me, telling me he loved me. We were going on dates, just the two of us, not the group dates we had gone on previously. My dreams were realized. I loved him and he FINALLY loved me. But, it's now one month later, and I haven't seen him in a week. He calls me at the office every day, we speak for 2 minutes or so, and then that's it. No contact except for that. My doubts and insecurities are creeping back in. I get nervous that he can go a week without mention of seeing me. I don't need every day, or every other day, but one day during the week, and once on the weekends would be good. I've still remained upbeat when speaking with him via phone, and haven't brought up the separation period. I don't want to scare the commitmentphobe by being too pushy, you know! But this past Monday, right as we were finishing up our brief daily call, I snuck in an, "I miss you." I felt fine about it. I thought it was cute, and that he would get the hint and realize that he should make some effort to see me. But I think it may have had the opposite effect. I didn't get the obligatory daily phone call yesterday....for the first time in a month. I keep thinking that he didn't call me on purpose, that he's thinking, "Well, I'll teach her a lesson for missing me! I won't call her for a couple of days. That'll show her!"

 

So, I now have my phone switched over to go straight to voicemail. I don't know what to say to him..if I'm overreacting...if I need to give him time...if I need to address the issue...if it IS an issue. I know that he doesn't like to go out during the week, and is more of a weekend guy, but we weren't able to see each other this past weekend. I had other plans and so did he. It's only been a week since we last saw one another. And I know he's not good at expressing himself. If he misses me, he's not going to say so, unless it's as a last resort. So, am I being parnoid or does anyone else sense the red flags?

 

I want him, but I also want my sanity.

[AzurePhoenix]

Yes, I see the red flags here also.

 

My take on this is that there is a piece of the puzzle you are missing. My fear for you is that the missing piece is that he is seeing someone else.

 

In any event, you really need to talk to him.

 

Commit-a-phobics do not just one day announce "I am cured!". Nearly always, unless there has been a traumic event or counceling, they revert back to what is "normal" and comfortable.

 

Secondly, when someone says "I am not good enough for you.. or I am not a good boy/girl friend to you.. they have done something that breaks the trust of the relationship. ie.. this is their conscious speaking and they have a need to confess their guilt and lay the onus of responsibility on the person they have wronged. In other words, "I told you I am not good enough for you, and if you continue to date me, then you have been warned, and if you get hurt, it is your fault and not mine."

 

Keep us posted on events for your situation.

 

~AzurePhoenix

[d346]

I think you're doing the right thing, by not being too pushy. Being pushy can make them run!

 

However, your concerns are valid...if you're not totally happy, why waste your time with this, right?

 

My advice: don't address the I miss you, don't ask him why he doesn't take the initiative to see you etc. he'll just clam up and freak out. what seems like a valid concern to you may sound like "rah rah rah, blah blah blha, rant rant"...as he may stare at you thinking what have I gotten myself into? (since he's already a self proclaimed committmentphobe)

 

Before you have any "talks" maybe you should take initiative and invite him out. If he doesn't like to party it up on weekdays, maybe suggest grabbing a casual dinner (at a place you have in mind so he doesn't worm out of it) or a movie. -or coming over to watch a video you've already rented. He will be more receptive to you taking initiative to spend time with him, rather than harping at him about when are you going to.

 

if that doesn't work, maybe then you should talk to him about it. But instead of asking him what's going on, or getting upset (because then he'll feel pressured and cornered) be assertive and constructive, and say that you're interested in seeing what can happen with you guys, but given your past together, the casualness isn't working for you. That you would like to see him a little more. Address your needs in a solid, yet non threatening way. That way you don't look needy -just assertive. A much more appealing quality. If he can't handle a woman who knows what she wants, then you can make a real decision about what YOU want to do.

[sophie75]

He's definitely not seeing anyone else. I'm certain. He's brutally honest about everything, and we've discussed our exclusivity at length. He would absolutely tell me if he were seeing anyone else.

 

He's "wronged" me in that he hadn't been able to spend time with me when I was telling him how much I needed for him to.

 

The night we had broken up was my birthday, and he had forgotten it. I reminded him at the last minute, when we were on the way out to meet up with all of our friends to celebrate. I tried to act nonchalant all night about it, but he knew I was hurt and, at the end of the night, he said, "You're angry with me and I'm tired of hurting you. This kind of thing is going to happen again and again, and you're going to get upset. I'm not good at showing up and being reliable. I do care about you, but I'm a crappy boyfriend. " So, he did it somewhat as a self-sacrifice to save me in the long run...or that's how it was presented to me, anyway.

 

I thought it would be different after I got the grand declaration of love, though, because I know he doesn't take those words lightly. He loves me, but he doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He's not a nurturing person.

 

His Mom died when he was young, and there's some trauma surrounding that, but he acts as if it was no big deal and that all ill feelings were buried along with her. I only know the story because a mutual friend has been close with him since childhood, and told me when the BF and I were having problems.

[ggm]

The success of this relationship will rely completely and totally on YOUR shoulders. You must decide is this relationship is worth it.

Eventually when the relationship ends, you will probably be the "dumpee". You will blame yourself (I was too pushy, I rocked his boat, I asked for too much of his time, etc). Are you prepared for that?

In reality, the ability to not apply himself to this relationship is HIS problem...not yours. However, women being women, we blame ourselves . Generally speaking, women are "fixer uppers" and feel they can fix everything. Including HIS problem of inability to commit.

Even with a major, life changing situation (illness, accident, family death, etc), if he is a hard core, non commit type, he will not change. Previously, you DID NOT ask for too much. He should be able to call you everyday (talk for more than 2-3 minutes!!) and see you once or twice a week. If he balked at this, he will just get worse.

I speak from experience...I just had my heart broken after two years in a similar situation. We even experienced a disabiling accident...THAT didn't even change him!!! As soon as he was healed, he was back to his same old self. I asked for once a day phone call, once a week to see each other. He said he couldn't do that...end the relationship.

Please don't set yourself up to be hurt...right now you are in control....keep the control. That way, you won't feel used and hurt!!

Good Luck

[d346]

This may sound really rash, but maybe you should just say to him, "you've told me you love me, and I'm really happy about that...I just need you to become reliable and a good boyfriend. -and if we need to go our separate ways for a little while for you to figure out how, then so be it"

 

obviously easier said than done!!! But it sounds like he respects you, but has some growing up (emotionally) to do. Maybe if you hold strong about what you want, he'll take the initiative to do it, -otherwise you will be supporting the relationship on your shoulders. I'm sure you don't want that. How exhausting!

[ggm]

I did forget to address the "he's doing you a favor" by breaking with you.

I got the same line about how he wasn't good enough for me...he will only disappoint me, I deserve better, etc. This only made me feel worse. After all, this showed a compasionate, warm side that only I could see in this otherwise cold personality.... yet another reason to fight to keep the relationship alive. After a week or so, I called his very best friend. I was told this is a pattern and has happened twice before (he has only dated 4 women long term). One dumped him, he dumped two and now me. His friends and family that I have since spoke with didn't think he would do this to me, as we shared a supposed "life changing" experience. I think the "I'm doing you a favor" is their way of easing the guilt they experience over dumping a good person.

I do know mine did not have any other person. I just think there are those that flat want to be alone in life and probably need counseling to overcome this problem. Mine would have never gone to counseling...way too private of a person. Will yours try counseling? It might be a suggestion. Also, I am headed to the library to find the book "Men Who Can't Love". It was suggested on another post. I think it might help get us over this.

[d346]

yeah, in response to that...

 

I've found that men who say that they can't be a good boyfriend, or don't want to hurt or disappoint you don't necessarily think they're bad for you -they just don't want to put in their 100% to give you want you want or deserve. They feel too much pressure, and choose to bail.

 

You have to decide if they are mature enough to give you their full effort to make you happy. Often they don't want to be alone out of principle, but it's easier than fulfilling the expectations that for some reason they have inflated in their head.

[i2wtbl]

First and foremost, I'm sending you a huge hug, because this is hard. I know this is hard, because I've been in your shoes – on more than one occasion – all instances with the same man. Unfortunately, I've allowed myself to be stuck (literally) in this type of situation for 3 long years of my valuable life. Go away, come closer, go away, come closer… Vicious cycle that never ends.

 

You need to accept the fact that this is who he is and the likelihood of him ever changing is slim. I've heard opinions that the commitment phobia theory is false and that "if you're the right woman, he will commit". BALONEY! This is a genuine problem that genuine people have with making commitments. Your boyfriend is not a bad person and I can sympathize with how you feel about his character and honesty. At the same time, you really need to take care of YOU. These men will heal if and only if they will do the healing – no girlfriend, fiancée, or wife (no matter how wonderful she may be) can take the burden of "fixing" them on their shoulders. It's just too hard; you risk losing yourself in the process.

 

The bottom line is: if he says that he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship, he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. Listen and believe to this statement, because it's the most sincere declaration that will probably ever come out of his mouth. To be very honest, I don't know how to "salvage" one's sanity without simply walking away – after 3 years, I surely have not found a better solution. The problem is that each time you will part ways, he will start missing you terribly… He will then follow by making promises – and not because he's playing a game, but because he honestly, sincerely wants to make it work. You will probably be guarded for a while, but sooner or later you will give in… because you care about him and know deep inside that he's a great guy. You will always go through the "new relationship high" syndrome for a while, just to go down the hill the minute his fears get the best of him. I'm sure you know what happens next? The cycle repeats itself… over and over again.

 

The biggest problem that I see is the fact that each time you go through these "breaks", you really suffer… It breaks your heart, you go on various discussion boards seeking advice, you over-analyze your behavior – whether it's something that you said or did… maybe you're not "good" enough for him, maybe this, maybe that… This beating yourself up does MAJOR damage to your self-esteem.

 

Not to sound redundant, but I've gone through this personally and trust me when I say this – WALK AWAY. In my case, it got to the point that I changed my phone number and did all kinds of extremes to pull myself out of it. Emotional detachment is the toughest, because you constantly think about him and the good times that you've shared (ironically, during "better times", relationships with these men are usually so wonderful – you barely fight ever over anything, you share similar goals, interests, etc.). He wouldn't leave me alone. After each silent period, there were phone calls, visits, flowers… And because I cared, I would give in. I don't want to give in anymore. It's been only 3 weeks since the last time we talked and I know that sooner or later I will have to face him reaching out to me again. I pray every day that I'll find enough strength to not repeat my previous mistakes. I will pray for you too.

[sophie75]

He just phoned. Now everything seems to be fine. Was flirty, teased me, we talked about the first time we met, our subsequent dates, joked about how long it took to get me into bed (it only took 5 dates, but over a period of 6 days). It was a good talk....like the ones we had in our honeymoon period.

 

He's just so hot and cold! I'm neurotic enough as it is, and have my own abandonment issues. I AM needy, and I know that's not an attractive quality. After a few days of our not seeing one another, I begin to miss him, and get ticked off because of it. If he missed me, he'd make arrangements to see me, is my rationale. He's not someone who easily gives validation, and I'm hesitant to come right out and ASK for it, so I'm always finding myself stressed out about the state of our union. What will usually happen is that I will bottle it up and explode when I just can't take it anymore, and he will be shocked. He'll say, "I thought everything was going well. I didn't know that anything was wrong. I've just been busy with work, and I don't like to go out on weeknights. I thought you understood that." And I'll feel like I'm overblowing the whole thing out of my need for attention. I just wish that I could come right out and ask for that validation. I can't. I'm stubborn, and too proud, and I want him to come to me, to call me, to chase me. He's not that guy. I'm not that girl. How can it be fixed? Can it be fixed? I love him, and he loves me, so I want to think it's worth the trouble. I just don't know what to do. Do I just need to chill out and see what happens, or do I tell him he's driving me crazy, when he actually hasn't done anything that I can pinpoint or put into words?

[i2wtbl]

Unfortunately it's NOT WORTH the trouble. I don't mean to sound negative, but that the reality.

Your posts spook me out, because my ex would act the exact same way. Phone calls like nothing ever happened, behavior like there's nothing wrong, confusion... Now please take a look and see what this is doing to YOU! Your latest comments only reinforce my previous post -- you start analyzing your "neediness", being stressed about your state of the union, etc.... YOU SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY. Needy as a word is misused and abused. Wanting to *know* where you are in the relationship is NOT needy. There's nothing wrong with you.

Please recognize what this relationship is doing to your self-esteem and run as fast as you can. Unfortunately that's not something that anyone on this forum will be able to help you with, because just like with commitment phobia -- the phobe needs to do his/her own work; when it comes to your well being, YOU need to take care of YOU.

You cannot change another human being, but you can change yourself.

[sophie75]

Okay..I do see what you are saying, and I agree with you on many levels. But I also think that I have a tendency to shut down and never actually say what I want, but I'll then get angry that my needs aren't being met. I take everything very personally. I'm hyper-sensitive. It's always about me. This is with everyone...not just in my relationship. I recognize it and it's what I dislike about myself the most. I have a hard time vocalizing my needs, but I'll pout if you don't read my mind and meet them! If I call a girlfriend and she doesn't get back with me after a couple of days, I'll start to think she's angry with me, and rack my brain trying to figure out what I had done. She'll call me a few days later and say, "Sorry. I've been so busy. I've been meaning to call you."

 

Don't you think that there is some chance that, if I say what I want to work on with him, he might come through. Now that there is "LOVE" on the table, don't you think he'd at least try to work on it, knowing that he'll lose me if he doesn't? I'm emotional. He's not. I don't want for him to change entirely. I want to do some changing, too. Is there any hope for us to meet halfway?

[ggm]

Oh, I agree...you can't fix this..it will only damage you. This is sooooo scary....My ex would do the same. Call up, act like everything is o.k. I was so desperate to have him, I would go along with the whole game. Only to have the whole process repeated at a later time. They verbally go over the good times you had as a couple to get you weak and get you back to them. This is a form of abuse...they abuse your self esteem... you begin to doubt yourself. Be careful. Now, looking back I realize how pathetic it was. You will only get stronger if you get away from him while you are in the "drivers seat". Don't give him power over you.

The lack of fighting mentioned in a previous post really hit home...in two years we never fought about anything...always saw eye-to-eye on life goals, money, entertainment, politics, etc. I now wonder if that was true or if it was a phoney game in an attempt to manipulate. Make it appear this was a "perfect" relationship which would make me do about anything to keep it together. I'll never know. Keep strong....

[i2wtbl]

I'm really not a relationship expert. My opinions are only based on my experiences, so take it for whatever it's worth.

 

You are subtly, but undeniably, defending him. Please understand: I am not suggesting that he's a bad person. Neither are you. If you feel that you hold partial responsibility for your relationship problems, try to fix things that you feel are wrong with YOU without trying to change him. If this will bring positive changes to your relationship, then I guess your problem is solved. Chances are, however, that after you fix one thing and nothing changes, you will want to fix another... This will go on and on until you find yourself bending over backwards and still not having your needs/wants met. What will you do then? At the same time, please note that we're going completely off the subject here... The original issue was him not wanting to be in a relationship, so how did we end up focusing on your flaws? "He doesn't want commitment" and "I'm insecure" are TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ISSUES. Fixing one has nothing to do with another.

 

Only time will tell whether there's "hope" for the two of you, but allowing time to pass is a great risk to take.

[Confused Girl]

Just my 2 cents is that don't surpress your feelings- say what you feel. If he cannot respect you then its not meant for you to be with him. I understand that you don't want to be naggy, but at the same time- it takes 2 to dance and it seems like this is very one way.

 

Is there a reason that he hasn't wanted to see you?

 

Do you think that he is wanting You to break up bc he can't possibly face the fact of hurting you again?

 

Could this be? I might be wrong but just my assesment.

[sophie75]

Okay. I see what you are saying. I'm really not trying to defend him, but I do feel that have to accept SOME responsibility in this. He's been resistant to commitment in the past but I had hoped that, now that he's realized that he's in love with me, he wouldn't have a hard time committing to me in the future. Now that he knows that he wants to be with me, I hoped that everything would fall into place.

 

What I had initially posted about was the fact that I hadn't seen him in a week, and that I was bothered by this. It immediately indicated to me that there were problems and the relationship was on a downward spiral. I feel somewhat scarred from our history together, and I'm constantly looking for him to leave me at any time. If he doesn't kiss me goodbye, I think we're breaking up. This IS his fault. He was a crappy boyfriend. I'm reacting to things that he's done to me in the past....sort of a Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome! He put these doubts in my mind with his initial jerking me around. And now, if I don't see him for four days, I worry that he's over me, and I feel violated. But, at the same time, I haven't asked to see him more often. I threw in an "I miss you." at the end of a conversation, but that was it. I've been accepting this recent behavior with a big fat smile on my face, and haven't indicated to him that it bothers me in the least. I take his calls, act happy to hear from him, and don't push. But that's what the Mars Venus websites say to do. Your man is caving, let him. Act upbeat. He'll be back. He's just having a momentary freak-out. Don't push him further. Do your own thing, blah, blah, blah.

 

I am going to try to change somewhat how I react to things, but I won't let him walk all over me. I plan to speak with him and ask that he spend more time with me, and give him the opportunity to do so. He deserves to hear from me what I want, and deserves the chance to provide it. But, if he doesn't come through, I know that it has to end.

[i2wtbl]

If I may suggest something, create a baseline for yourself. Promise yourself that this much you're willing to do/take/put up with/whatever and everything and anything beyond that will be unacceptable. If and when you reach the "beyond" stage, it's over. When I say "it's over", I mean it's OVER... so over that you've never been this over before. Then stick to it! No matter how hard it may be, stick to it. Don't go back and analyze your flaws or behavior again, asking yourself "what if I did this" or "what if I didn't do that". STICK TO IT. If you have this conversation with him when you clearly state what you want and he still doesn't act like a responsible boyfriend, stick to your original plan -- today, tomorrow, a month from now. And stay strong. Hold your head up high and have trust in the Universe that everything happens for a reason. I will keep my fingers crossed.

[Scout]

Hey, I just want to say to all the posters that responded to this post: these are some of the most well-thought out, well-written, and right on the money posts I have ever read on eNotalone.

 

Seriously, I am impressed, and will take what you said to heart in any future relationships I have should a situation like Sophie's start to happen. I've had relationships like this in the past, and it never, ever, ever worked out in the end. And I always blamed myself too much. I also worked too hard in the actual relationship, always going the extra mile, always taking the excuses, the neglect, the inconsideration, and you know what? Being upbeat and accepting never, ever worked either. There is no magical fix that works when dealing with men (or women) like this. You posters are right, it is THEIR issue, and even if I have issues of my own, fixing them won't change their own problems.

 

Thank you for your incredibly wise words. They are being taken seriously and will be applied, I can promise you.

 

love, Scout

[sophie75]

I promise to stick to my guns. I'm seeing him Saturday, and I'll bring it up then. It will help if we've just come back from a great date but, even if we haven't, I'm going to do it nonetheless. And, if I start to chicken out, I'll remember all of your postings. Thanks for the advice. I hope that you are all wrong, of course! I'm hoping that he's just clueless, not deliberate. Odds aren't good, I know, but I need to feel as if I laid my cards on the table and made things crystal clear to him, whatever the result.

 

Thanks again!

[Luciana]

Sophie, how was your date?

I loved all the advice you got, it was all so sound and sensible. It2, your posts are super intelligent.

I've been in this situation too. Men who seem to be happy to see very little of you. It destroys your self esteem.

Having a mature talk with him is the way. Telling him calmly how you would like things to be. If he reacts well and is willing to make the changes, great.

If things remain the same, please walk out. Dropping him cold IS the best way. It hurts a lot in the beginning (you won't sleep or eat-actually the eating part is good because you will look more attractive to the NEXT guy but it will be easier in the long run. You will survive; we all do!

The post you said "this is driving me crazy" says it all. No relationship should make you crazy. You should feel confortable and warm and fuzzy.

It's his problem. You could be Claudia Schiffer he would still have his problem.

This "love" he professes doesn't seem real. WHen you love someone you GIVE. HE would be bloddy happy to hear "I miss you" from you and would move heaven and earth to see you, or do something romantic, or send you a romantic email...c'mom, we all know what a man in love is capable of. He is Not in love with you, I am sorry to tell you that.

Let us know how things went.

[sophie75]

I spoke to him Sunday morning. Back to that in a sec.

 

We spoke Sat afternoon to make plans for the evening. He asked if we could just rent a movie and stay in on Sat. night, which we've NEVER done. Never. EVERY time we see each other, we go out for drinks. He's big into socializing w/friends. It's actually rare that he and I go out alone..his friends are almost ALWAYS with us. It's been that way since the beginning. Our first dates were group dates!

 

Usually Thurs and Fri nights he heads out w/friends, and he and I go out with those same friends on Saturdays ( I work Fridays and don't go out Thursday night, in favor of sleep). But, the last couple of weeks, he hasn't been going out w/his friends at all. He's been staying home on his usual nights out. And, on our Saturday nights together, he's been turning down his friend's requests to meet up with us. So, it's just been he and I the last couple of times, which I've liked, but didn't know what prompted the sudden change in M.O. I thought it odd that he's been staying in on his Guys' Nights Out, but found it even more strange that, after being cooped up all week, that on this particular Saturday he didn't want to do

something more social than renting a video. He doesn't seem to be himself. He's sleeping all the time, he apparently doesn't like his new job, and now he's apparently avoiding his closest friends.

 

So, he comes over Saturday, we get some beer and a video. We don't kiss hello. I'm immediately tense about it. Watching the movie, we sit side by side, but aren't touching in any way. I've got my arms folded accross my chest, where I'd normally be reclining on him in some fashion. I feel awkward. The video is ENDLESS. I'm wondering if he's going to go when it's over or if he's going to stay. If I'm going to be able to talk to him or if I'll chicken out.

 

After the video, he puts his arm around me (Thank God - is my thought at the time) for a sec, gets up, and goes to the restroom. After a few minutes, I'm wondering where he's gone to. I get up, walk down the hall and find him: In my bed, undressed, under the covers and curled up into a fetal position. His back is to the door, the lights are on. It's weird. I asked if he was okay; he says yes. I climb into bed w/him. He wraps his arms around me, kisses me ON THE FOREHEAD, and goes to sleep.

 

In the morning, we are cuddling (still no kissing or anything more exciting) and he says he has to get going to get back to his parent's place (he's watching their dog while they are out of town). And I ask him for five more minutes...because I KNOW I have to say something. Now or Never. So I do. I tell him that something is going on with him, and that it's freaking me out. He hasn't been physically or emotionally attentive in the last couple of weeks, and it's really upsetting me. I tell him I need validation from him. That I need to know he's interested. That lately when we've gone out, I feel like we're buddies. And that he's not my buddy...he's my boyfriend. He tells me that he is of course interested, but that I'm constantly asking him about the status of our relationship, and that he's not a really emotive person, and that it's difficult for him to be as open as I require, all the time.....that it's alot of pressure. He hates that I require constant reassurance from him. I complain that we've not seen each other in a week and a half, and he didn't seem at all concerned with when we'd next see one another. He dismisses this, saying, "You're missing the most important thing. I'm here because I DO want to be with you. I wouldn't be here with you if I didn't want to. We didn't see each other last weekend because I was out of town. If I weren't out of town, we would have seen each other, and this conversation wouldn't be taking place right now. It's not a reflection on whether or not I want to be with you. So, fine, we'll kiss more (and he gives me a big, wet kiss). But you are always so quick to think the worst about me. Nothing is going on. Everything is fine. You've gotta relax a bit." He gets up, gets dressed and goes to the door. And he hugs me goodbye, gives me a peck, and leaves. We've spoken on the phone since, and he's acting like everything is hunky dorey! There's been no mention of our discussion.

 

I don't believe that everything is okay with him, but I'm not sure if it has anything to do with me and with our relationship or not. I'm starting to think that maybe it doesn't, which is a novel concept for me....everything is about me, after all I'm concerned that he is going through something, though, and he won't share it with me. Anyone know anything about depression? The chronic sleeping, the anti-social behavior? Low libido?

 

As for me, I'm tired of feeling so anxious about everything. I start Yoga this week, and therapy next week. I'll get myself centered one way or another. And I'm making more plans with MY friends. I've gotten a little too wrapped up in him, and have become dependent upon him to fill my social calendar.

 

I told the BF about the yoga and explained that I need to find a way to calm myself and not let every little thing stress me out, and that hopefully the yoga will help. He said it was a good idea and added, "Though I think that you sometimes invent things to be stressed about. Which we ALL do. I do it too sometimes."

[RayKay]

I think depression might be a factor here with him - the fact that he is changing his behaviour like that, seems to be internalizing his problems, is not happy with his job, etc are all indications it COULD be. Unfortunately, if it is, there is little you can do until he seeks help on his own, or sees a need for it.

 

Hopefully it is not and he is just going through a bad bump right now and will snap back out of it. Don't push him to divulge all, just let him know that you understand he does not want to talk, but that if he ever does, you will listen with an open mind (not dispense advice etc as this is sometimes seen as criticism!), it might eventually help him to feel more comfortable to open up with you about it.

 

Men sometimes feel that the burden is theirs to carry, and that their partner cannot help (I know my ex can be like this), but just let them know you are just there to listen.

[d346]

I've been through something very similar.

 

Trust me, IT'S NOT YOU. But it will become you (as well) if you consistently ask him what's wrong. he may not be as open and in a funk right now, and probabably had NOTHING to do with you because as he said, he IS hanging out with you.

 

Be cool and patient...as much as you can. however, you've done nothing wrong and don't deserve the cold shoulder. So if it gets to be like this every time you hang out, instead of prying and asking what is wrong, tell him that you don't really want to hang out if he's going to be cold. No one wants to hang out with a grouch! Perhaps he'll think to be a little more considerate of your feelings when he does spend time with you.

 

I hate games, but I know from experience that guys will run if you bombard them with questions and complaints, but if you tell them straight out what you want and take a step back, they'll most likely shape up!