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sophie75

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  1. sophie75
    It's very hard to forget that a person has once hurt you, or invalidated you in some way. Every slight, every unreturned call just gets added to the grand tally of this person wronging you. I wish I could just wipe the slate clean and see the relationship for what it is now, not what it once was. But it's so hard to do. Everything is good now, but I can't shake the feeling that the bottom is going to drop out, and I'm on the lookout for signs. The BF tells me that I am always so quick to think the worst, and he's right for the most part. I try not to, but the worst-case-scenario is quick to pop into my head, and I can't seem to evict it. And the BF is not the most sensitive, emotional person, and sometimes he hurts my feelings without intending to. Rationally, I know I shouldn't take it personally, just let it slide right off my back...but I do take it personally. Neither of us are particularly close with our families. We do the required social obligations with them, but that's about it. I know you aren't attacking me Hope! I agree with what you've said, based upon my posts. I'm completely contradicting myself. What I'm not communicating well is that I often anticipate that he's going to let me down, and start to build my case by listing all the ways he's let me down in the past. That's what my prior posts were. When I came on and started this thread, I was convinced that I wasn't invited to the wedding, and how that snub (that didn't even happen yet) had invalidated our relationship. I made myself out to be a victim, but no crime had yet been committed.
  2. sophie75
    Hi Hope, This year, I took a part-time job, where I'm working on Thursday and Saturday nights. I work til 3am, and then am up for work at 7am. Because of this, I don't go out during the week. My boyfriend works very early in the morning as well, and is home fairly late. We both are up early for work and have set bedtimes. We see each other on Fridays, and that's it. I'd love to be able to see him during the week, but there is a part of me that thinks I want that only because it's not available to me. After the novelty of seeing him wore off, I'd want my early bedtimes back. I won't really go out with friends on "school nights" either, so I'm pretty sure I'd eventually feel this way about him too. I think that I've made this sound like my boyfriend is hitting the town, having a great time, while I'm sitting home waiting for an invitation. That's not really the case. Other than seeing me on Fridays, he seldom leaves his office/apartment. I would say that, at best, he goes out with his buddies once a month...and he often complains about being wrangled into doing that. He's kind of a couch potato, when he's not working. He has begun including me in more and more things, but I have had this anger and hurt from the times in the relationship when he didn't, that I think I have been carrying that resentment over to the present. I used our prior history as justification for predicting that I wouldn't be invited to the wedding. But he did invite me. And that is HUGE to me. And when I think about the last 6 months, really think about it, I have to say that he has come through for me again and again. But I'm still fixed on the past. There is a part of me that is waiting for him to disappoint me again. And what you read in my prior posts was my "evidence" that he was going to do so. As far as family goes, I haven't met his and he hasn't met mine. No one has EVER met my family, and they are local. I don't know why I shy away from that, but I always have. No one has ever gotten an invitation home. I don't want to bring my current boyfriend home, although I do love him. The fact that he hasn't met my family is no indication of my level of commitment to the relationship. I haven't even mentioned to my family that I'm with someone. Never have discussed my personal life with any of them. I have an emotional block when it comes to that...one that I don't understand. Again, thank you for your posts. I know that you are on my side with all of this, and I appreciate it!
  3. sophie75
    If you contact him for answers (and I doubt you will get any, or any that will satisfy you) you will kick yourself later. Again, by making such an extreme effort to contact someone who has left you in limbo, you are putting yourself at a disadvantage. He will have all the power. Sure, you may have an answer, but the end result will be the same. Why don't you wait a week and see how you feel then? You may see this in an entirely different light. Hang in there. You deserve an answer, yes, but at what cost? Your dignity?
  4. sophie75
    I don't think you should contact him and, if he contacts you, I think you should let him sweat it out a bit. Don't call him back right away. It is totally unfair that you are sitting around, waiting for him to get in touch with you. What, is he punishing you for something? Did you do anything wrong? I doubt it. Your fella needs to know that you won't be treated this way. And you don't have to confront him to clue him in....your silence will be enough.
  5. sophie75
    Hey Hope. Thanks for the response. It IS a step in the right direction. And there ARE still problems with the relationship. You are absolutely right. Our relationship has been progressing at a snail's pace, hardly at a speed I would like, but it HAS been progressing. I don't know what is going to happen, if anything. But at the moment, I'm feeling okay about where we are. He and I broke up 4 times in the first nine months of dating. Every two months, it would be over. It has now been a year since the last break up, and things have been good between us. For the most part, he is good to me. I feel loved AND I feel LIKED. I'd like for us to spend more time together, and that has been my major bone of contention, but I think that we have been moving towards that. It's just been moving so slowly! At the moment, I'm feeling happy in the relationship. This may change, and I may come back with my tail between my legs, kicking myself for my naivete --- but right now, all is well and I'm content.
  6. sophie75
    Well, he invited me...unprompted. I just got back from a week's vacation at the beach. He went by my apartment every day while I was gone to look after my pets. Halfway into the vacation, he calls and is venting about how he hates weddings...that he is the Best Man and has to give a speech, wear a tux, etc. Not his cup of tea. And the bride, or "Bridezilla," as he called her, was upset with him because he neglected to return his invitation, and the wedding is a little over a week away. So, not only had he not gotten around to inviting me, he'd not even returned the invite! He's such a last-minute guy. Then he said, "Speaking of which, the wedding's on Saturday. Can you get the night off from work." I said I could, and that was the end of that. This wedding will be filled with everyone he's grown up with, and everyone he cares deeply for, so it really means a lot to me that he will be taking me. Just thought I'd share. I had planned on acting disinterested and dealing with it after the wedding had come and gone, but it looks as if I won't have to now. Now - if only I didn't feel so fat Can you wear black to a wedding? I have a knee-length wrap dress with lace cap sleeves that is the only thing that fits me right now. A week of vacation food sure didn't help my figure any!
  7. sophie75
    Thank you everyone. I'm processing it all. Right now, I don't really feel like talking to him about anything. I just want to shut my phone off and cave for awhile. I know he'll track me down at work, but fingers crossed, he'll not get ahold of me. I don't even think talking to him about it will do much good. I'm tired of talking about it. Tired. Tired. Tired! All I do is talk, it seems. We are in a relationship when it suits him. If I feel/show/say that what he's offering isn't enough, begin to pull away and treat the relationship as a "casual" one, he's right on top of me with sugar and rainbows, kisses and I-Love-You's. Maybe he doesn't want me, but he sure doesn't want anyone else to have me either. Ick. I'm so easy! I'll keep you all posted, but I don't think I'm ready to open Pandora's Box just yet. Maybe when I'm back from vacation. A week in front of the ocean will be a perfect environment in which to figure out my love life, or lack thereof
  8. sophie75
    Oh, and no vacations, no family events, no BBQs, no weddings....nada. We did go overnight once to Atlantic City, 3 months into the "relationship." I can't even think about this anymore. I can only imagine how pathetic it reads!
  9. sophie75
    So, so much more, Hope! I didn't feel as if I was sacrificing much, because I love him. But I guess that in order to be happy in the future, I need to break my own heart now. Ugh. Why can't people just be normal? Be able to give love and accept love without issue? He just called and I mentioned that I had to get my keys to him this week. I'm going on vacation with the girls on Saturday, and he will be coming by to feed the cats. He hemmed and hawed a little and I rescinded my request, telling him that I would get someone else to take care of it. And he said, "No. Don't do that. We just need to figure out how you'll get the keys to me." So I asked, "Does that mean I won't be seeing you before I leave Saturday?" And he said, "I don't know." WTF?! ONCE a week we see each other. ONCE a week! And then I'm gone for a week, so you would think that he would be clamoring for my time....considering we won't be seeing each other for awhile. But no! That's the farthest thing from his mind. Screw it. I'm going to the beach. I'll tell him not to bother about the keys. I'll just get a neighbor to feed the kitties.
  10. sophie75
    So, whaddya think? A simple, "Will you be bringing me?" or say nothing? I'm leaning toward silence. I just wasn't raised to be so impolite as to invite myself, and asking him if he's taking me feels like I'm fishing for an invitation. Ideally, he would ask me to go without prompting...because he wants me to be there. But I guess he doesn't, and that should tell me something. Ugh! We didn't talk about it last night. Bad timing. He called late, and was already in bed. Not exactly his most receptive time of day! I'm at the point, though, that I don't even know if I want to bring it up. What's the point? He'll ask or he won't. If he does, then no problem. If he doesn't, then I have to take a good, long look at this relationship, and where it's headed. The relationship has been getting better. We've gotten closer, we rarely argue, he is more open to doing things with me, etc. I feel loved. Really, I do. If I were 5 years younger, I would be more than willing to let this progress slowly, taking it day by day. But I worry that I may be making a mistake in staying in this relationship, not knowing where it's headed. I should mention that my BF is 29...soon to be 30, but not in the same settling down place that I am. He's in absolutely no hurry. I'm the one with the ticking clock. And it's not even really ticking that loudly. I am not someone who wanted to be married by a certain age. I would be happy just shacking up. I would be fine adopting, or fostering. But I do want a lasting relationship with someone....and someone who doesn't bring you to his best friends' weddings may not be the kind that lasts.
  11. sophie75
    You are all totally right. It's not enough and, while it has been getting better the longer we've known each other, it's still moving at a turtle's pace, and I don't have many years to waste if I want to get married and have children. I was thinking that the withholding of an invitation would be the last snub I could stomach, and that I would have to cut my losses at that point and walk away from him. But I don't know if I should wait until the wedding draws closer and then distance myself, or ask him outright. I think that he loves me, needs me, etc...but that he doesn't want to responsible for anyone but himself. He pulls away when I want something from him, and he never asks me for anything. No support, no time, nothing. He's content to be alone in the world, when all I want is to make a life with him. I'm not demanding, I'm not jealous, I'm a dream of a girlfriend. And he's been doing as little as possible to keep me in that position. I guess I'll ask him tonight, and take it from there.
  12. sophie75
    Many of his friends have told me that he has big walls up, but is a catch if you can catch him. They've encouraged me to hang in there, that they've never seen him so into a girl. They've offered me advice on how to deal with him, and have shared in my frustration of his keeping his life compartmentalized. They've joked that he could have a whole other life, and that they would know nothing about it. He keeps his groups of friends separate. So it's not just me that he does it to. There is no one who he shares everything with. He tells me that he shares more with me than he does with anyone. That I'm like family, we're so close. I am amazed at this, because I don't feel we are close at all. I feel as if I only know some small part of him, and share in some small part of his life. But, when I've said this, he tells me that I get a bigger portion of him than anyone else.
  13. sophie75
    So do you think I should ask if: 1)he's taking me, or 2) ask him why he hasn't asked me to go yet?
  14. sophie75
    If you look at some of my long ago posts, you'll probably understand why I am hesitant to bring it up. He shuts down emotionally when prodded. I'm trying to avoid that. He is very bad about defining our relationship. I've never really been included in his extracurricular activities, and he acts as if he doesn't expect to be included in mine (Until he actually isn't included in some way...then he gets a little freaked out and wonders why I didn't invite him). If his friends are having a BBQ or a party, he goes without asking me. It bothers me, and I've said so after the fact, but he doesn't seem to get it. I work a FT job, and then in a bar on Thurs and Saturdays. We both don't go out during the week. So we see each other on Fridays. We most often watch TV for an hour or two, and then go to bed. Our relationship is really conducted over the phone. We speak daily, anywhere from 1-4 times a day. When I question our relationship, it inevitably turns into a "Sophie is being sensitive and needy again" conversation. I end up feeling as if I am being too pushy with him. But, if I leave him alone, he is much more attentive toward me. The less I ask for, the more I get. So the Mars/Venus thing is dead-on. He is seeing only me, we are exclusive, he tells me he loves me...but he doesn't make plans...FOR ANYTHING. I want to go to those weddings but, more than that, I want to be INVITED to go. I want for him to want me there. All of his friends are coupled, so I don't think it's a matter of getting in some quality time with his guy friends. They will all be there with someone. Why not take me?
  15. sophie75
    My boyfriend of a year and a half have had our ups and downs, but the relationship has improved steadily as time passes. My biggest issue with him has always been his level of commitment. We do not discuss the future, marriage, kids, living together, the upcoming weekend... He is, and always has been a last-minute man. Plans are never made. We speak on the phone often, but only see each other on Friday nights, when neither he nor I are working. My second issue has been his not including me in his day-to-day life. He rarely, if ever, goes out with my friends....he considers those "Girl's Nights" and shies away. I've been out occasionally with his friends, but I think he prefers to be alone with me when we are out together. But, I've been out with them enough over the past 19 months so that they know of my existence. And they like me a lot. In fact, one grabbed the phone away from my BF when he was speaking to me the other day, telling me that he hopes I'll come out with them soon....that it's been too long. From what I've heard, and from my interactions with them, they think very highly of me, and like me as a girlfriend for their buddy. Two of these best friends are getting married very soon. The first in late September, and the other in October. The BF is a groomsman at each wedding. One is local and the other is out of State. He has not mentioned either wedding to me and, when I asked him when they were, he told me the dates and then changed the subject. He has not asked me to go, and I'm afraid of what that means. I don't think it's possible that his friends would not have given him the option of taking me, so that would mean that he doesn't want me there, which would be such a huge rejection. I just don't know how to handle it. A part of me wants to come right out and ask him, but I think I may be afraid of the answer, or of an ensuing argument. Gah! I just don't know what to do, and would appreciate any feedback. Thanks in advance!
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