adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

[AmbyM]

Hey tryintomoveon,

Thank you for your support. You are in my prayers as well. I don't know you but I feel like we can get through this together with God and counseling, we will be healed. Then we will be able to share our stories with people whom haven't found their voices yet. Please keep me posted on how you are doing. I will do the same.

[floatingdebris]

First, my heart goes out to all of you who have posted in this thread.

 

My girlfriend (who is 26) has recently told me that her uncle abused her when she was a child. The complicating factor is that she comes from a culture where extended family is very important, so she has to continue seeing this douchebag on a weekly or monthly basis. She has not told anyone in her family. She doesn't think her mother would believe her, and thinks that if she told her father he would kill the scumbag.

 

The statue of limitations has expired, so talking to cops won't help. I'm not going to do anything stupid and "out" him, because its not my story to tell, but my feeling is that this scumbag should not be able to harm her any more than he already has. My question for you is related to our wedding, where it is traditional in our culture to do a "money dance" (which means you dance with all of your relatives).

 

When she brings it up, I tell her that he will not be at the wedding (or at least not be dancing with her) one way or another - I feel strongly that she should not have to deal with that on our wedding day. But she says he has to come, because she is close with everyone else in his branch of the family and wants them there. But if he is at the wedding, and she is expected to dance with him, he will ruin a significant part of it for her, and that's just not acceptable in my mind. She says this is "ok", as she's been dealing with his bull * * * * for such a long time, she can do it. I just don't want her to have to.

 

So my question to you all would be: am i being overly protective or selfish in insisting that he not come? I'm not above a good old fashioned man-to-man threat, but I can't think of any other way to keep him from coming. Any other advice? Thanks so much for reading and God bless.

[AmbyM]

all u can really do is be there for her. if she isn't going to tell her parents, then she has to deaql with it one way or another. maybe she could just request for him not to be in the wedding and not tell them why. Not very practical but like u said she doesn't deserve that. Maybe she should tell her fiancee' and he can tell him he doesn't want him there.

[DaddysGirl]

I think the anonymosity is the reason Im posting this, because only three people on this planet know of it... Myself, my father, and my best friend...

 

I dont really know when it started or even when it really ended. But I know it happened. Sometime before I was nine my father, on my yearly summer visits would abuse me. I could have understood and coped with it had he just beat me, blamed me for his divorce or even killed me. But waht he did I think was worse. Because even now 17 ( I know not quite an adult) I dont understand... Thats what hurts the most is wondering why he would, anything from some sort of phycological disorder, to becuase thats what my grandfather did to my aunt. I know I cant go to my mom about this because I would never see her again and she would be locked up in jail for the rest of her life or worse dead. Latley, after I broke down and told my friend, I cant stop thinking why he would do this. The bible tells me to forgive and the bible tells me that God not only allowed this to happen but he could have ordained it... I cant possibly think that my God who loves me so could have ordained this... But I guess Im rambling. The reason Im posting this is Im hopeing someone who has been through the same things as me could give me some advice of how to deal with it....

[mgirl]

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

 

Oh, you poor baby

 

You can get passed it. I know people who were abused and live normal lives and have healthy sex lives

[mgirl]

Hey Daddy'sGirl, whilst i'm sure every experience is different and i can't offer professional advice, i would say one thing in common that abusers have is that they're sick. There is something in their brain that is not right... For this reason, you should not take it personally, it has nothing to do with your character or anything. It would be good if you could seek professional help, to help you unravel your feelings

[AmbyM]

This is a terrible uphill batlle and to be honest, I thought I was strong but I really don't know if I am strong enough to deal wit this. Everytime I try I start having nightares and get all paranoid.

[Brenda222]

Krwise. I had a kid molest me in class when I was in the first grade. Ill never forget it. He stopped it once I told my parents. I had a cousin molest me when I was a kid all the time. This cousin died. I think he committed suicide about 10 years ago. Everyone in the family always thought he was the sweet guy next door who could never do any wrong. I never told anyone about what he did to me except my ex husband. Me personally. I don't care who doesn't like it. I think you should let the family know, including his family. What happens if he molest his own grandkids or someone else. I had always wished I would have told someone about my cousin but I felt no one would believe me. I think you should tell no matter who gets mad because that is the only way you are gonna save someone else from going thru what you went thru with him. And if they get mad and don't believe you the one thing they will probably do is not let their children around him, whether they believe it or not, they will keep their children away from him. So please tell someone. I think your mother believes you, I think she just doesnt want to be alone and feels its better to be with him than be alone. Please tell someone so other children don't end up a victim like you did.

[Brenda222]

Mollymathews, how are you doing with this today after hearing so many others. Don't leave us. As they were saying this is a good community where you can get things off your chest and it helps. I actually never suffered from the sexual abuse when I was a kid but do understand what you are going thru. I suffered so much from mental and emotional abuse with my 2 exs. I am wondering now if the molestation had anything to do with it. My view and esteem of myself has always been so low and I never felt I was worthy of these 2 abusive people in my life. I never thought I was good enough for them, even though the first one was a drug abuser and the second one was an alchohol abusiver and when they got upset, who did they take it out on, me, both emotionally and verbally.

[doityourself]

Molly-

 

Im also a survivor of sexual abuse by my father and uncle for years. The best thing for you to do is to keep talking, keep opening up.

 

Im sorry that everyone here had to go through this horrible experience.

 

Your not alone, Im here if you want to talk.

[PoisonNova]

To Molly, the starter of this thread, it's been several years since you last posted. I hope that you have found some peace and relief.

 

To everyone else who posted in this thread- I'm sorry for what happened. I was shaking and crying when I read your posts. This is a very old thread, and I'm not even sure if someone will read my post, but I'll go ahead anyway.

 

I was sexually abused by one of my family's hired help when I was five years old. I'm 24 now. I hate God often for allowing that to happen to me (why didn't He protect me?), but more often than not I hate myself (because I am not worth protecting). I somehow managed to forget the abuse, but in the process I lost my faith in God, my trust in humanity, and any love I had for myself.

 

After several years, I thought that I had "gotten over" the abuse. I worked hard at school and was successful academically. I had friends, and gradually, a relationship. The relationship ended a year ago. I haven't tried to get into another relationship again because my memories of the abuse have started surfacing again.

 

I get vivid flashbacks of the abuse. They're tied to my guilt over the relationship. It was the first one I've ever been in, and I told my ex that he was my first kiss, my first everything. I lied to him, but how could I tell him that my first kiss came from some disgusting man who did disgusting things to me when I was a little girl? I'm so angry at myself for involving another person with myself, even for a brief period.

 

There are times when I think that I have a future, and there are times when I feel like I don't. Right now, I think that I don't have a future, at least not one worth having.

[DaddysGirl]

I'm not a pro and I cant really even deal witht he abuse I suffered so I cant really help you with that. But what I can say is about God. Currently Im a Christian and before that this was the reason I wasnt. I was of your mind, "How could God let that happen to me". There is only two things I can say to that. One is that ,well I believe it is, is that God doesnt give us more than we can handle. Yes at times it seems overwhelming but you can go on! Number two is that you suffered abuse not becuase of what you did but because of the result of someone else'd sin. For that I have no explanation. I dont know how much help this is but it has helped me. So has having a supportive family within my church since my home one isnt always the best.

 

Good Luck and God Bless!

[tommorows girl]

This Saturday I woke up and no one but me and my father in law were home. My husband and I just moved here a few months ago because our apartment started dripping brown liquid out of the air conditioner making it hard for me to breathe and the owners wouldnt fix it, but thats another story. So I was still in my jammie clothes which consis of a long te shirt and some shorts. I wasnt going anywhere for hours so I dint bother to get dressed into street clothes right away. I was upstairs, I came out of my bedroom, sat on the couch and saw that our cat pooed in the guest bedroom. I decided to go clean it up when my father in law asked from dowstairs what I was doing. I told him just cleaning up a bit and we talked for a min. He asked me if I wanted him to move the bed for me, so I could get to the other side. I siad sure that would be very helpful and so he came upstairs and moved the bed. I continued cleaning up the poo, then I went to the bathroom, washed my hands and such then fed the cats. then he asked me if I was doing anything today, I said no and so he asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said sure. Then I got a phone call, so I set up the Wii while I was tlaking on the phone and he sat down and we were playing Wii sports. It was fun, we bolwed a little, we played tennis and so on. Then after a few games he said he had to go change the laundry. Thats fine, I sat there and waited for a bit, I did a practice game of I think boxing and then he came back. This time he has his mytouch or itouch, the one thats a phone in his hand. He said that dispite haivng it some time he had never really tried the camera feature of it. He asked if he could take a picture of me, I said, "sure as long as you dont post me in my jammies on facebook". So he took a picture of my face, and then wanted another on close up, and it started out as innocent,"daddy trying out his new camera" then got slowly worse. I am not imagining that these were inappropreate pictures, because when I turned around I saw a certian part of his anatomy that I dont have. I told him that I didnt feel right doing this anymore that he crossed the line. Then I told him he should show those pictures to my husband, because those are the types of pictures that only he should have of me. He told me not to tell him "that there are just some things that Derrick does not need to know". I told him that I was uncomforatble with that and yet he continued to take pictures at first promising that he was stopping but then it getting worse. His daughter showed up, this whole thing probely only lasted at max forty min I was trying to distract him to go back and just play sports games. Right before his daughter caem in he said oh you know your sexy. Later I DID tell my husband. He immediately asked if I wanted to move sooner than we planned, if he should do anything about it and got very mad at his dad. I told him that we can still move when we planned (in may of next year) as long as I am never alone with his dad agian. Which will be hard considering that my husband has to work sometime, and that his mom and sister are both full time students, but right now we are making that work. Do you think I did the right thing? I am trying to protect his mom and sisters, he has two one lives at home one doesnt. I am a little confused about what to do. I still talk to his dad and I want to get past this and have a good relationship, but I am scared if I tell his mom or sister then wither they will be in disbeilf and mad at me that I would make up a story like this, or mad at him. They are a very close family, I dont want to break them up. I LOVE his family, but its so hard living here and seeing him. Is there anything else I can do? Also want to add that in the past I have had many other encouters that were inapproprate in many ways, not with him but with others. When I was like 5 a man in the park showed me an anatomy part that my five year old mind didnt know what it was. I had a much older teen ager french kiss me when I was like 6 I had a bus driver and the list goes on till my ex boyfriend would verablly abuse me and somehow make me still want him more. He hurt me the most I think because I REALLY cared for him, but he would call me names and tell me that I was cheating on him. When we broke up I had to change my whole life. I was working at a grocery store as a cashier and he would sit outside the store for hours waiting for me to come out then tell me he needed me that i was the best thing in his life and so on. He called me till I turned my phone off and got a new phone, he sat outside my house at 1 am and would tell me if I didnt come out he would honk the horn and wake my parents up. I finally left home, changed everything about my life so he could no longer find me, or so I thought. Yeah he found me a few months later, but online, so i was able to block him and all his friends. I was able to get into a much better relationship, with the man I am now married too. Trust me it took me a LONG time to trust him. I would tell him things like that I was broken and unable to sexually please him. I would try EVERYTHING to push him away telling him that I didnt love him anymore, telling him that I thought he would be better off dating this other girl, actually trying to set dates up for him. He loved me through it though. He loved me when I didnt love myself, he loved me when I felt unlovable, he loved me when I was in so much pain that I didnt know what it felt like to be whole and then he loved me some more. He kept me alive, as through the whole break up process and past that I wouldnt eat, or Id have a dount or something as my whole days worth of food and didnt drink anything. He took me to church, even though I was already a christian I didnt feel like God wanted to be apart of that part of my life. I felt like I was just his child and needed to only come to Him with childhood issues, but my then boyfriend showed me that God can take your pain. You dont have to protect God from anything, he is bigger than everything. I learned to let myself feel my boyfriends love. It hurt, I still pushed him away for years, yes it took years of him trying to convense me that nothing I had done was my fault, that I was a beautiful butterfly and that I was just in a caterpiller state, but could come out of that. Thats the reason it was so easy for me to withen an hour text my husband and tell him to call me, then when we were alone in person tell him the whole thing. I was able to know while it was happening that what my father in law was doing wasnt appropraite because of the love my husband has shown me from day one. I wanted you guys to know that love can heal your wounds, I still deal with this, especally the latest one, but I am growing. I am going to be whole again one day.

[tommorows girl]

Its unusual that you have not become racist after what happened to you. I am very glad that you said it was all coincedently black men and not just that all black people are bad. I understand that you are hurting, but not all men are evil either. Yes, the men that hurt you hurt you bad, but the guy you want a relationship with wont wait forever. Try dating in groups or dating in big public places that people will be everywhere, drive yourself home for the first couple of dates. Its hard to get out of the mindset that every man just wants the same thing, but Ive found, only though the most wonderful man ever that men can be supportive, understanding and best of all show you real love, not what those sick twisted others have shown you. Dont worry there is love out there for you, because you deserve someone truly wonderful.

[tommorows girl]

My answer...if its not too late, cause I sort of see her side of this being the woman (not exaclty same situation..you can read my story on page seven) is that you should just let her deal with it in the way most comfortable to her. I know it will eat at you to no end to see her dance with him, but she can always excuse herslef from the dance halfway thorugh or something. The thing is you want to be the man in her life, so she will respect you more and trust you with other issues if you give her support,advice, and love, but in the end let her deal with it herself. You need to know that in the end, she needs a best friend, not a knight in shining armor. If you come in and try to "save the day" you will only end up hurting her. She oviously loves her family more than she cares about this secret.

[Hermes]

Molly:

 

That is very sad, and quite appalling. I agree with the others who say you do need to find a therapist, in particular one who specialises in the field. And, if you can find one, a good support group.

 

This is an excellent site, and you will find useful information there, including about therapists.

 

link removed

 

Good luck

Hermes

[gabbi2005]

Your definitely not alone in all of this. No One is. I have been dealing with my abuse for 6 years now. I got pregnant because of mine and i kept my child that came of it. I have never taken pills to help, never gone to therapy, and never read anything on it. Most of the incidents i dont remember the only help and relief i got from it was thati had to go to court from it and watch him go to jail for what he did to me. My mom tried to put me in therapy for it and it didnt help i also didnt care to go. I am trying to deal with it now after years of putting it behind me, and pushing the hurt and everything away. I deal with it everyday seeiing that my son looks exactly like him and his children. The mans children is very close to my family as well as his grandchildren. The man was a trusted guy in our family he was my step-dads father. Supposed to be acting grandfather. I do end up dealing with it daily it is hard and sometimes its hard for me to look at my son. I need to deal with it more appropriately and other people do need to get help for it the pain builds up and gets worst trust me.

[sherbear]

I am a 40 year old female survivor of childhood sexual abuse. I was molested by a grown son of my grandmothers friend at 3 years old and when I disclosed at 11 or 12 years old to my biological father, he started sexually abusing me as well. This went on until I left home at 18 years old. I went to therapists that did not work out, group therapy which really brought me down, and then I discovered true healing. I joined a church and found out that I am a child of God and so is my abuser. My father chose to use his freedom of choice to hurt me and he is accountable for that. I am accountable for how I live my life now. The only true healing I have ever found was through a loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ. I can't explain it but I can tell you with everything that I am, Jesus Christ carries me through everyday of my life and he has made this near unbearable burden light. I am not saying that I am completely whole, but I am pretty close. I am a wife, a mother and a nurse. My abuse has made me a very compassionate and loving person. Some positive things have come out of a horrible tragic childhood. Find who you are as a person, and I mean besides being a survivor of sexual abuse. That is just a small part of you. Learn to love yourself like God does, with all your strengths and weaknesses. Look for the beauty and wonder all around you. Oh, and it may help to know, I do not have a relationship with my father. I pray that God will be merciful to him and that is all I am able to do at this point in life.

[AmbyM]

Moving pas is som much easier said than done sometimes. Sometimes it really is hard and you want to help others but then again you really don't know how to help yourself. And most counseling I have been to has made it worse.

[Dee176]

I am 34, I was molested by my Uncle from 4-9yrs old. My family is very closed minded only my Mother understand the truth of my story. I have suffered so much. Isn't your family supposed to protect you? I have had to come to terms with being totally disregarded and called a liar, I have had to stand by and watch family members be supportive to my abuser. Over the years when truamatic incidents happened in my life, I would revert back to the baby who was paralyzed by fear and I become a monster and lash out on the loved ones closest to me. I don't know how to work through this, I have no one to talk to who can understand what I been through. I need help and don't know where to turn.

[catsalina]

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

 

i am a 40 year old women....i was molested by my moms best friends husband...i was only 4 an i remember that day like it was yesterday...up 2 every detail...i was molested 4...10 years...i wished him dead everyday of my life....the stories i have 2 tell r horrific....but who do i tell...like u i went 2 a therapist...an she said yes u r a tramua case...i felt she dnt get it...so i stopped going....i dnt tell my parents until i had my 1st child...that was at the age of 21....i dnt want him in jail...that wasnt good enough 4 meee ...i wanted him 2 answer 2 the only judge an jury ...god....it in my case payed off...he died a few years ago...of a rare an painful leg cancer....he left 2 kids behind an i felt whew thier kids will b saved from my monster....but his death brought it all back...an i have been a mess ever since....i am a mother of 3 boys an i try soooo hard 2 keep it together....an a husband whom i have been married 2 ..4 ..20 years....i feel bad 4 what he has 2 go through cause of what i went through....2 this day i cant let it go....i dont think one can!....we were kids....an i tooooo have family issues...my husband loves me 2 piecies but is fustrted on my sexual side....an as 4 my family family...i stay distant....

[Dee176]

The best advice i can give is to understand it is not your fault, and stay close to the ones who love you unconditionally. It took me a long time to walk away from family members who chose to ignore what happened to me. All my life I questioned how could my Aunt, Grandmother, etc..... Or any Family members who I love and respect not love and respect me back? I finally figured it out one day in with my therapist. Just because I know the difference between right and wrong doesn't mean everyone does, and some people choose to live in denial of the truth. This is so sad for those who decide to make this choice. The point I am trying to make is as adults are in control of our lives, believe it or not, it is when you "choose" to let things take over your mind and emotions is when you start to question the truth. If you remain strong, positive and let go of the negative people and situations around you, you will then feel a huge weight lifted and an immediate sense of freedom. You now have your life back!

[Hermes]

Dee:

 

Just because I know the difference between right and wrong doesn't mean everyone does, and some people choose to live in denial of the truth. This is so sad for those who decide to make this choice

 

Unless they were mentally ill in some way, I can assure you Dee they DID know the difference. Don't buy into the idea that they did not know....

 

As you say: "they decided to make a choice", so they do and did know.

 

Abusers abuse a) because they CAN, and b) because there was someone there to abuse (you) who could not retaliate.

 

H

[Dee176]

Right and wrong in the sense that the family members who chose to pretend the action of my abuse even existed. For me I know the right thing would be to recognize the abuse, and help the person who was abused. Unfortunately a large portion of my very large family chose the wrong way of dealing with my abuse. For my family it was "easier" to join the crowd of non-believers for the easy way out. I come from a long line of followers, I can proudly say I did not join their group. Hope that clears up any confusion!

[blindfold]

Hello. I can tell you your problem is very within my area of expertise as I am studying exactly the dynamics of sexual abuse and violence. You should let your family know that there's such a thing as the "syndrome of secrecy", in which the child will not speak out because of several factors such as lack of medical evidence, failed attempts to reach out and get help, threats, pressure, violence and punishment and fear of the consequences. There are also other factors (which seem to be the case with you): transformation of the abuser in "someone else" (like thinking your dad was possessed by a monster), dissociating the abusing experience - this means distancing yourself from the abuse - and in some cases, not even knowing or admitting you're being abused.

 

With that being said, I (and everyone here should) believe you have been abused. However, you should not dwell on those experiences: it's not like it's "once a victim, always a victim": the main goal here would be to accept that that has happened to you, and integrate it with your personality and experiences, moving on and empowering yourself through it. Many people say that the fact that adults who were abused as children reveal their abuse one day is related to the fact that they are now in a serious, commited and "safe" relationship with a non-abuser and feel at ease and need to make peace with that part of their lives.

 

If you need anymore help, don't hesitate to send me a message through enotalone. Keep going!