adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

[mrkingk]

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

 

 

i know exactly how you feel. i am 27 and when i was 13 i was molested by my uncle. for 5 years i supressed the shame and worthlessness i felt, and used marijuana to try and forget. when i was 18 he killed himself, and at first i was relieved and happy, but i found out that he killed himself because he was being investigated for molestation. i had convinced myself for years that he did that to me because he was drunk, but when i found that out i began punishing myself, thinking about all the other kids he must have hurt over the years and if i had said something it wouldnt have happened. i let that guilt rule every facet of my life. i told myself that i didnt deserve to be happy, and in the process i neglected my wife and children, or was angry all the time. i had never told anyone about this until a week ago when i told my wife. i didnt think i would ever be able to tell anybody about this, i had built up a tough guy act for so long so that i wouldnt feel vulnerable, or be thought of as a "fag"(no offence is intended by the use of that word). its only once i told her that i started to feel the walls i put up begin to crack. i know its hard, the nightmares, the paranoia. its something that will be with you, me, and anybody else whos gone through this for the rest of our lives. stay strong, trust me i know its easier said than done, but you are not alone.you can get through this

[CloudAux]

Hi everybody. I just want to tell everybody on this forum thank you!! You saved my life. See I was sexually abused when I was 14 and I suppressed it. I am now 24 and dealing with it. I pretty much hit rock bottom and cried myself to sleep. I decided that I needed to tell someone, so I told my older brother the next night. He actually guessed who the person was that abused me and he said I should get therapy. I immediately disagreed. I have had a pretty great life and I didn't need therapy. We talked and then he dropped me off at home. It felt great to tell someone, but soon as I got home I started to have a panic attack. My secret was out in the world. I freaked out and even contemplated suicide for a few minutes. That is not like me at all but. Eventually I calmed myself down and I decided to turn to google. I found this forum and read every single post. I cried and realized I wasn't alone. Because of this forum I decided to get therapy. It has been the greatest thing I have ever decided to do.

 

That was a couple months of go. Since then my life has been a whirlwind of emotions, therapy, dealing with cops and lawyers. See it turns out that everybody that I told guessed who the gentlemen was that molested me. He is very successful and well know where I am from. He even works with children on a daily bases. He is a foster parent that adopts only boys. All these factors have pushed me to start a case against him. The weird thing is that as soon as I came out and started to tell everybody, I found out the guy was getting investigated at his work for accusations of sexual abuse. I have now reached out to friends and found out I am not alone. There have been others but they are too afraid to speak out. I hope in time they will change their mind.

 

All in all i just want to tell you all thank you. If you are thinking about getting therapy but making up excuses, or hesitant to go. I strongly recommend you do it. While extremely hard and difficult it is great and changed my life. I would recommend therapy to anyone even if they haven't gone through the traumatic experiences we all have. There is nothing like the freedom of saying whatever you want and not being judged.

 

Thank you again. All your stories give me strength to go on when I have those hard days.

[jaxs77]

i was sexually abused by my real father at the age of 11-15 when i finally told some one i had to go to court and all he got was 18months i have not got over what he did to me and would like some advice on how to get help to cope with this and also the rape that happened to me at the age of 17 and my eldest knows she is the result of the rape

[poohbear2012]

I know im only younge but i was sexual abused by my dad is well also my mums friend ! its hard to separate your abuser and the fact there your dad ! im like you i finally find help but nothing is helping me deal with whats happened but i do no one thing, its made me stronger and who i am today, im sure its done the same for u. i was also disowned by family, my mum didnt belevie me for awhile and i ended up homeless at 16. there just isnt enough help out there for people who have been abuse i no that beacause what ive been through i will never have a normal life i have depression and find every day a struggle as im sure u do but i only ever found the strength to tell her about my dad and not her friend as im scared off being disowned again xx

[strong women]

hello there

it's normal to feel like this at the stage of recognition, especially when being abuse or molested as a child. i have been through a similiar situation i was abused physically, sexually, mentally, neglect everything you name it, all happened by my family and strangers. i recently told my mother was has happened to me as a child and she is extreemly supportive, she and my therapy have made a great change in my life it's been a year now since receiving therapy. i recently found out that the man i was in love with for few year was a paedophile, i had no choice but to report him, i felt so great that i did for inocent children, what other people should of done for me as a child, by getting sick people like that locked up. but it is said that abused people and abusers tend to find eachother one way or another.

to you my dear, it is very important to find your inner child and tell her that it was never her fault because she was a child, you have to believe in yourself and most of all have God in your heart as we all know that we loose our faith sometimes. you must also continuously tell yourself that these filthy people from your past must not effect your present or future as from this moment on you are in controle of everything. you are a beautiful, intelegent, strong independent woman and nothing can hurt you or your little you( inner child). DO NOT let these filth bags whom are rotting in their grave as we speak destroy your health or happyness, and if they are not dead then don't worry justice will get them Believe me. know that anything that doesn't kill you makes you srtonger. finally people that have been through hell and abused are the people who contribute most to society.

[Luckycat]

Hi all, Im new to this forum so please forgive me if I have commit a few Faux pas!

I wanted to get some advice and help from people who have been through the same sort of thing as me, although I feel my situation is not as awful as some of the stories I have read so far.

I am 23 years old and up until about 3 years ago led a 'normal' and happy life. I got into a relationship with a guy who became very posessive and controlling and who ended up having quite bad mental health issues and panic attacks. Around the same time as ending this relationship which lasted 3 years, I also fell out with a close friend who was a big part of my life. Since both of these have happened I have become anxious, stressed, Jealous, full of self-doubt and have lost all confidence. Last night I had a panic attack for the first time, I knew what it was because I'd seen my ex-partner go through it before, luckily I have a great partner now who woke up and helped me get through it. I realised last night that I have not dealt with being abused as a child. Here is what happened to me. I have a blurry memory of being about 6-7 years old asleep in my parents bed, I often slept in there as a child. This particular night my mum had gone to the toilet and it had woken me up, my dad rolled over and seemed half asleep and put his hand up my top. I wriggled away and he sort of stirred and went back to sleep, I have always thought to myself that this was probably an accident and he didnt mean to do that because he probably thought it was my mum and he was half asleep, he has never touched me since or even looked at me or spoken to me an innapropriate manner since but I still think about what happened and it upsets me when I do. At the age of 12 I was at a family party and my parents allowed me to stay over the night with my cousins. My aunt had a boyfriend who was quite drunk by the time my parents left, he had a cigarette and I cheekily asked him if I could have some and he let me but as he did he groped my chest, in front of me and my cousin he exposed himself to us and touched himself. We shouted at him to leave and that we would tell my aunty, he left. I went to bed that night terrified and stayed awake all night, he came into the bedroom and tried to take the covers off of me, I stirred as if I was waking up and he slowly crept out of the room. Eventually my parents found out because I had told another aunt what had happened and my parents asked me if I would like to go to the police, I said no because I didnt really understand the siutation. My dad drove to the house the same night with me, my mum and brother all in the car and we watched him literally beat the * * * * out of the guy and we have never seen him since. Another aunt (I have a very large family) came forward and told my mum that the same guy had tried to rape her, she had woken up in the same house on a different occasion with this guy literally on top of her, she also didnt got to the police. The aunty that he was in relationship with didnt believe either of us and she said that I being only 12 years old had led him on. At the age of about 14, myself and a friend were in a local park because we had both skipped school, we met two boys who were around the same age as us who were also just hanging about, they were both cute & we quite liked them and they invited us back to one of the boys parents house because they wereat work. We were all just watching TV and I was too shy to really speak and wanted to leave. I asked to use the bathroom. While in the bathroom which didnt have a lock I could hear the boys laughing outside, they barged in while I was peeing so I shouted at them to leave. When I left the bathroom one of the ran at me and tackled me onto a bed in the bedroom next door, they both came in and pinned me done while laughing like it was just a joke. While I was telling them to get off me and shouting for my friend, one of the boys pulled my trousers down and then joked about my knickers being little girls knickers and so then I really screamed for my friend who came running up the stairs and we ran out of the house. I felt really shaken up and humilated and was scared about what they would have done if my friend didnt come for me. During all these horrible issues of sexual assault and humiliation, I was also bullied for year and called fat on a regular basis. I'm in a really great relationship now, Im at university, I have a good job and a great relationship with my parents & brother and have great friends now but I just cant shake off these feelings of insecurity, jealously and anxiety and wondered if I needed to deal more with what happened to me. I see a therapist at university but havent really spoken to her about sexual abuse or about being bullied weve just focused more on positive thinking and the living in the moment instead of worrying all the time etc. I really want to be a healthy and happy person so that when I have children one day, their mum isnt gonna be full of inner anger or sadness that will be passed onto them. Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated and sorry for the extremley long post, this is the first time I have ever written about whats happened to me and I havent ever spoken to anyone about whats happened either. Thanks guys.

[strong women]

hi

inregards of your story i am truly sorry to what has happened to you, it must of been very hard for having to deal with these difficulte/horrible situations...one after another.

if you are already seeing a therapist, you should be honest with her and tell her the truth as she would probably be able to help you, have you tried hypnotherapy? this will help you kind of go back in time ( not literally) but subcontiously, that way she could help you find your inner child.

you need to stay strong, remind yourself everyday that you have a great spouse that supports and loves you, great career and most of all great life.

love yourself and be happy x

[opportunity1]

Hello everyone!

I am so sorry to read all of this stories. This should not happen to anyone, but unfortunately there will always be some one who like to hurt other people. My story is not like anything that i have read before but still i would highly appreciate if someone could give an advice. I am 23 years old and I have manage to scare away every guy who wants to try a relationship with me. When I was about 11 or 12 i seriously can't remember, when an older classmate forced me against a wall, and he started kissing my neck, my face, and he just started touching everything he could. I froze on that exact moment i didn't like the feeling, I didn't know what he was doing and I could not move from the position he forced me into. I was terrified but I knew i had to get out of there some how, so i took advantage of a little gap when he backed up and i punch him in the face and kicked his groin. I ran out of there and He told my professors that i was the one who provoked him, fortunately the teachers knew me, so they knew that there was no possible that i would do something like that. I never told them everything i just said that he pushed me against the wall, they do not know about the kissing and that he touched me. Even my mom does not know i was scared and terrified. I'm glad that nothing bad/worst happen. I though i was over it and many years later he called me again so i tried to stay calmed but one day he said that he was not going to stop until he finished what he started. I am afraid to go back to my home town. he is married now and he has a kid. every time a guy approaches me i feel like if he is going to do the same thing all over again and i guess i'm the one who is pushing them away. In the present I really like this one guy and apparently he likes/loves me back. He always does awesome stuff just for me, but i am terrified that those memories come back in the least expected moment. I have told a few of my close friends, not everyone knows about this but they just tell me to get over it that nothing happen and that it happened many years ago. I don't want to tell my parents up to this point of my life after 10+ years, and i do not know how to approach a psychologist. I feel super lonely and i do not know what do to. I get depressed and i get nightmares more often than before. Please some one help me.

 

sincerely Opportunity1

[rose1959]

Hi there. I have read a few of these. I am 53 years old and was sexually abused by my father when I was 10. He sexually abused my brothers and sisters also. If you want to hear something sick, here it is. He said that God told him it was ok for him to sodemize my brothers,sisters and myself.With my sisters and myself he said God told him he could not touch us in our viginas,but annual sex was ok. We continued to live with our father because us kids did not want to be put in foster care and be split up. He claims to this day that he knows that he is forgiven by God. It took me a long time to deal with this issue.I am hoping that I can help alot of you here that still have issues. First of all it is not your fault so please do not blame yourselves. Second I have just recently decided this myself. You can forgive the person that did this to you and not have anything else to do with them. My father is still as sick now as he was then. He might call himself a christian but at the same time, he is waiting for my brother, who was recently diagonosed with cancer to die because he thinks he can take my brothers wife as his own when he does pass away. my father is 82 years old now. Tell me how sick that is. There is so much more I could tell you about him but, I won't.

I have been married 3 times. I got married when I was 16 to get away from my dad. I also was premisquist during my first marriage. Maybe it was because of what my dad kept saying. He kept telling us girls growing up that we were going to grow up to be * * * * * * just like our mother. Who did he think he was lol. He did alot worse to his own kids, my brothers included in the annual sex. It took me along time to finally forgive him for what he did to us. My second husband I did not go out on but got left for another woman he met online. My 3rd husband knows about my dad and has tried to treat him civil but my dad feels the world owes him lol. With Gods help you can get passed the hate stage. I did and I do forgive him but when he tries to make a play for my younger brothers wife it really gets to me. Your life has not ended though. My sexual relationship is not the greatest with the husband I have now but I know that he does love me very much. We have companionship with each other and enjoy each others company very much. There is still hope and life after the sexual abuse. Ask God to help you get thru the forgiving stage. It starts to get easier to deal with when God takes it off your shoulders and carries the hurt for you.

[firerescue]

As a victim of sexual abuse by two step fathers and my mother being involved with the second abuser from the age of 4 to age 12. I then went on to have three beautiful children but suffered two difficult and abusive marraiges. In 2005 I made the decision to walk away from the second abusive husband. Up until last week I was doing good with the occassional nighmares and memories, two weeks ago everything came unglued so to speak, I am having difficulty with everything.

[tinytexas10]

Your not a liar. I know the feeling about not being believed and I know what your going through. I have been through the same thing. Dealing with it isn't easy and talking helps but it doesn't make it go away. I learned forgiveness is the key in moving past what happened to you. Not only do you need to forgive your father you must forgive yourself. What happened to you is not your fault and your family disowning you has only made it harder on you. My aunt calls me a liar because her husband is the one who abused me. The sad part is he is doing it to his own daughter and noone seems to care. I also don't know if we can ever truly get over what happened but learning to deal with what happened in a healthy way is key in moving on and saving your relationship with your husband. Therapy may help you more but try to reconnect with your family and explain to them you aren't lying most who admit abuse are not lying. It takes time and being told a liar may make you believe you are but you aren't. Shame is a feeling that keeps the abused from speaking out and the fear that they won't be believed also keeps them from coming forward. You are not alone and there are people who love you and care about you never forget that.

[mainframe]

My ex suffered sexual abuse as a child by a priest. As far as he remembers, it was just one time, but that one time has haunted him and caused such damage. It eventually ruined our relationship. I wanted to be there for him, but he pushed me away.

 

I just heard a podcast (under 8 minutes) by 2 women who suffered abuse but got beyond it...and they're working to help others do the same. Thought it might be helpful to some of you. If you do a google search on Ginny Luedeman, it should come up. It's called Free from child abuse.

[mainframe]

God DID NOT tell him to abuse you. He is beyond mentally ill.

[Tequashonjula]

I Was molested by my step dad for years! I never got over that! Now its causing problems in my marriage! I have trust issues! I also have my step dad child ! I know how u feel! My mom dad I was lying! She still marriage to him! Dis owned her child for a mam!

[amz001]

I'm not really sure where to start, I am 24years old and was groomed by my stepdad from age 11 to 16. I have told a few friends but never the full story. I guess I am ashamed. It all started with him tickling me and then moved onto touching me and making me touch him. What I don't get is that I felt sick at first I knew it was wrong and didn't feel right but he made me believe I loved him. He would buy me presents and then make me peformm sexual favours else he would take those things away from me. He would even tel that he would tell my mum what I had been doing with him if I didn't do what he said. In a way I wanted him to tell her as I couldn't, I was afraid thay e would hate me. I used to tel her I was staying at mates houses but infact I was meeting him. I don't understand how I thought I loved him it makes me sick to think about it now. There were instances when my mum asked me if som ethin was goin on and if I was havin a relationship with him but I couldn't find the strength inside me to tell her, I didn't understand why. I have never sat and told anyone that all I have said is that I was abused its like I am zcarryin around a dirty secret and its partly my fault. My mum finally found out through my brother and they split up and she has always blamed me, she tell me i ruined her life and i took away the only person she ever loved, which i guess i did.she threw me out within six months of them breaking up and i got into drugs big time, but ended up pulling myself out of that and turning my life around. As I have got older I have blocked it all out and don't really remember any details or even what he looks like. I don't have flashbacks or problems sleeping and happy most of the time, I have a good job and great mates. But I only have relationships with women and they normally end up bad as I can't talk about things I just clam up when it comes to talking about how I feel and where we r goin. I don't kno if I am actually a lesbian or if its just because I can't trust men. I have slept with more men than women but always in my terms and only one night stands. Most of my life I get to the end of a chapter and then open the next chapter and forget the last one. I can remember crtain things of my life but hardly anythin. I don't understand I really need help!!!!!!!!!!! If anyone can

[Kitten heels]

Wow. I read this thinking I had written it! I'm 34, ten years ago I had therapy with flashbacks happening regarding sexual abuse by my father. I was simply telling the therapist about how violent my mother was to me. Then these memories surfaced.

My father has been sexually inappropriate in the past with actions and words too. But I was in denial and wanted to forget. When I was 31 I fell pregnant with my son. dad was making sexual comments about my breasts about breast feeding. Yuk. when my son was born, my dad stroked his face and alarm bells rang. I wouldn't let him near him. mum questioned me, forcing it out of me. I told her. She believed me at first, but then didn't. Whole family have disowned me. I identify with you totally. I've had some excellent therapy from a charity specialising in this area, please get therapy it helps x

[Capricorn3]

Not sure if you're aware of this, but this thread is over eight years old and the OP has never been back since posting in 2004.

[CEC89]

So, i have been reading this and found it to be really helpful. Throughout reading this i decided that i want to share my story with someone and dont feel comfortable to talk to some of the people closest to me. My close friends know that i was abused when i was younger but not the whole story, so here goes.....

 

It started when i was about 4. We lived with my moms best friend and her son. He was much older than me and i had walked in on him and his girlfriend messing around. The girlfriend got embarrassed and left, he was mad and decided to take it out on me. It started with just touching and hands and slowly progressed until we ended up moving out some time later. I never told my mom and honestly didnt think anything was wrong with it because i believed everything he had told me. It got so bad that i had some strange behaviors growing up. I didnt remember most of it until i was older. I was 20 when i had my son. I had gotten back together with my sons father for a couple months and while living together he tried to rape me. Thats when everything started coming back to me. It explained why i had such a hard time connecting emotionally to people.

 

I am now 23. I had mentioned it once to my mother saying something had happened. She responded with "well the doctors never found anything while you were growing up so it has to be part of your imagination." I did not imagine this. I have tried pushing it down as far as i can. More and more things keep coming up from my memory, even to the point where i had showed my younger brother what was done to me. There was always porn magazines all around and inappropriate things because the very abusive man my mother dated for a long time owned a leather shop and traveled around with Bike Week. I guess in my head it was still normal. Iv been too afraid to say that i kind of did what happened to me to my younger brother. I feel like such a terrible person and it is eating me alive. I have been too afraid to say anything to him. It explains why we never got along growing up. I am afraid that if i even bring any of it up to my family they wont believe me still and just blame me for things. I am at a loss of what to do.

 

Everything i read is dead on about the side effects growing up. Iv never had a high self esteem and always end up being used for just sex and i seem to let it happen because i guess it is what i was used to, i still struggle with depression problems and was put in therapy when i was younger for suicidal depression. I tried more times than most people know and never talked about it until one day in school i just broke down. Everything says to go into therapy but iv tried that and it hasnt worked in the past. I feel like i am trapped in an endless cycle that is just making me miserable and its not healthy for me or my son. I would be willing to try therapy again i guess but i dont have insurance and that can get pretty pricey.

 

I am trying to discover who i am after so many failed attempts at having relationships. I never thought this would affect so much of my life still. I cant seem to get away and it is exhausting. I want to be like every other woman out there who can be in a loving understanding relationship. I get that i am still young but i just have no hope anymore.

[Capricorn3]

CEC89: It would be a good idea to start your own thread so as to get responses to your own questions, as this thread is over 8 years old. Thanks.

 

Thread closed.