adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

[realtalk214]

womanizer with issues I just came accross your story and it is some ways similar to mine I was molested by my step mom for several years and by older female cousins on several occasions growing up. While my step-mom was raping me however she also gave me the STD Gonorrhea that since I was afraid to tell people about went untreated for a period of about 4 years which i'm sure has left me basically sterile and unable to have children. I grew up very hyper-sexual and a womanizer myself from my teens till most recently It was the only outlet I Knew to prove self worth was to display to my friends family and even myself a lil bit that I could have any woman i wanted. I never really saw woman as much more than objects of affection and If i started an actual realtionship with a female i would intentionally destroy it before they could realize i had a darker side and also that i'm unable to have children. And this got me by until i found someone who I really wanted to be with I cheated on her on multiple occasions and was forgiven alot of the times. When she couldnt take it any more she kicked me out of the house but forgave me once again I believe when she saw me delving deeper into my womanizing ways and wanted to save me. from then on I havent cheated sexually with anyone else but I started cheating emotionally. I'm addicted to selling lies and fantasies to multiple females online their not sexual but I tell them how beautiful they are and how i'd love to be with them or in some instances that I love them. and spark kind of an online relationship. this is like a rush to me when they respond back and tell me how attractive I am and make attempts to want to date me. While unconventional it quelled the sexual cheating demons down and has kept me from having sex with anyone else. Seeing the change of me no seeing anyone else and actually coming home every night. Me and my g/f became engaged. So i took it as the online dating was a good thing till i realized The downside for some reason I began distancing myself emotionally and sexually from my g/f. I'm guessing getting all those emotions met online while at work when I come home to her I'm just a shell and kinda put off. This also led me to question my sexuality to some degree Im not attracted to men but there had to be some reason I wasnt having sex with anyone at all right? I then began an online connection with a transsexual female in hopes to see if that is what I really wanted, being that I would often watch transsexual pornography and was turned on by it. I even seeked her out and met up but as soon as I got there I realized it was not for me and quickly made an excuse to leave. So now while the online has cured me from cheating on my g/f it has had the side effect that I wont sleep with her either. This eventually led to her cheating on me after we became engaged to be married. When I found out I was so devastated I let her see my online addiction in a idiotic attempt to both get revenge on her and to let her see that other people wanted me if she didnt. This totally backfired seeing that I was telling other women I love them and that I also went on a date with a transsexual she has since called off our engagement. Seeing her as the only true love I've ever had I broke down yesterday and told her everything, from the abuse to being unable to have kids. She was extremely supportive and said it explained alot and she had suspicions that something like that had to have happened. I am now admitting to myself as well that the abuse is the reason why sex never meant that much to me. It felt sooo good to let it out for the first time the reaction I got made it even better. Im tempted to tell my family but am not sure and from some of the reactions some of the other posted have gotten from their families pehaps I should old off. The stepmom isnt in my family anymore she has since spiraled into a crack addiction and now lives on the street and was even arrested for prostitution recently so justice has been served. So they say admitting it is the first step. Now i'm just trying to figure out the next one.

[CasualGurl]

I am 17 and im jus coming to terms with what happened to me my dad sexually abused me during my teen years i feel like i crying over the situation every time I onder of it. I have flashbacks every other moment of the day just randomly. I feel disgusting, full of regret wishing I could go bck. I've thought of confronting him but tht face to face contact is too shameful for me I feel like he will be looking at my body and remember all those abusive memories its like my body is not even mine anymore does anyone feel the same way? I try to live life as though it never happened to me

[OptomisticGirl]

I am 17 and im jus coming to terms with what happened to me my dad sexually abused me during my teen years i feel like i crying over the situation every time I onder of it. I have flashbacks every other moment of the day just randomly. I feel disgusting, full of regret wishing I could go bck. I've thought of confronting him but tht face to face contact is too shameful for me I feel like he will be looking at my body and remember all those abusive memories its like my body is not even mine anymore does anyone feel the same way? I try to live life as though it never happened to me

 

Have you sought counseling?

[desesperada]

Now I kno iam not alone, I defiantely feel for everyone her. I was sexually molested by my step father when I was younger, my mother found out and decided it would b better for all of us to forget what he had happened and to continue living our "perfect little lie as a family"....aim now 29 and having the hardest time dealing with all these crazy emotions. I stayed quiet never said anything because I wanted my mom to be happy...2 years ago he cheated on her and left her for ssomeone else. I thought that maybe just maybe she would gt rid of him now and it would b better, but NO that is not the case she continues to pick him over me even after everything he has done......I. can't stand the nightmares, the stress, the loneliness I feel. How can a mother do this to their child and not understand the pain it causes.....I kno I need help but can't afford therapy.

[mike203]

hi everyone this ms my first t time on this site. i am 23 years old female, i was sexual abused as a child by my father. my father was a abusive man to my mom before i was born. He did drugs as well as sold them, he would hit and scream at my mom, he even hit her in the stomach while she was a couple months pregnant with me. the first time my father sexual abused me i was a infant, it lasted until i was 7 or 8 years old and the only reason i know i was a infant when it started was because he told me, how he would lick me clean every night. throughout my child hold i have always had nightmares. i would dream of rape of myself and people i don't know. and with every dream it felt so real. he made me give him oral sex as he would watch porn. the first time he tried to have sexual intercourse i was maybe 7 years old, as a child it hurt me to know that my father the man who said he would kill any man who try to hurt me would be the one to hurt me so much. while still in high school that when i told my mom of what happen to me as a child and so told my grandmother. i told i remember that i once tried to tell her when i was 4 years old what he was doing to me but since she was on the phone and told me that whatever i have to tell her can wait i ended up not telling her at all. as a adult now i found out that my grandfather my fathers, father was a child molester who rape and fathered a child the my grandmothers daughter. my aunts son looks just like my father they could be twins. then i started to remember little things from my child with my grandfather, my grand mother never Left me alone with him but i remember him touching me with his hands as well as his privates parts. even had an problem with my uncle as a perteen i wasn't feel to good and i was spending the night at my grandma house my grandfather was already dead so i thought i was okay but i was wrong while asleep it felt like some one was touching me so i woke up seeing my uncle at the door pasting by, so i when back to sleep the felt it again and my pants was undone and there my uncle was again at the door. i feel that i can't trust the people in my family.

 

i have low-self-esteem, a loner, i take very little, and I'm not very good with relationships. my first boyfriend was in college when i was 18 hes 3 years older than me. we are not together now but we are still friends and talk as much as possible. while in my relationship i was not comfortable with touching or kissing it disgusted me, to the point when i would push him away. but as time went by i became more comfortable around him. i told him my story of my childhood and he was very understanding. are relationship lasted about 4 years. and till this day i still don't know how that happened.

 

but as for me i have never been to counseling, most of my teachers worried about me since they thought i suffered form depression. so when ever called upon would always make sure i was smiling, but personally I'm not the smiling type. and I'm not emotionally but i hate it when i fail.

 

I'm a very open person and i tell my story to all my friends as if its nothing but to put it supply i will not let my past hold me back. i am a happy person i have many friends and i never once thought that i was in the wrong. my father is in jail now and is sick. his sister and my grandma think i should go see him and forgive him before it to late. i made may peace my aunt does not know what he did to me but I'm okay with that. i don't wish anything bad for him. and he is sorry for the way he hurt me and he now knows its to late. I've moved on and I'm starting anew me.

 

i feel sorry for those out there how are having a hard time getting there life back but time will heal your wounds some way or another with someone spacial there to support you. or with someone to listen to you. if it physical, mental, or sexual I've face them all and I'm standing strong, and I'm willing to listen if that that what you need.

 

and i would like to thank you all for letting me tell you my story. God Bless you all

[boobear]

CasualGurl

I am also 17... My father took my virginity when i was 14 and i was with him till i was almost 17... I know its hard you need to stand up for yourself... He was supposed to protect you not hurt you... See a counselor and maybe you will learn to confront him in a positive way or confront him with someone you trust

[oncewaslost]

I too was molested as a child by my older brother who did it until I was 12. I am now 30 and have been off and on been seeing councilorsfor several years and my advice to you is this, just because you think you have let it all out or scraped out the wound deep enough does not mean that you should stop seeing a councilor. In my experience I have quit going to counciling several times and have ended up back there cause I fell apart again. This seems to be the story of most childhood sex abuse victims. the only thing that is working for me is to keep the wound open and though it hurts keep cleaning it out. It's alot better then letting the wound close with rocks and grit in it and it getting infected and having to reopen all that pain again. I hope this helps.

[jatropha]

I really think you are trying to rationalize that you must be bad because that feeling about yourself was imposed on you by your step mother. Your step mother is a horrible person, and you were a minor, subjected to all that abuse. You are detached from the feelings what was being done to you was wrong to be able to cope with the abuse at that time. Now that abuser is gone, the scars you have are painful, but it is like breaking a leg in a car accident, where someone DIU/ hit and run smashes into you as you are peacefully crossing the street. You have to heal, but it is tough to learn to walk again. Knowing the pain is there, as time goes on, the pain fades, but the memories stay. Does that kind of situation drive you to get into a car, drink and hit someone else? this may be what you are doing...you are becomming the abuser to avenge the abuse on other people who did not do anything to you. I hope that makes sense...

[jatropha]

I really think you are trying to rationalize that you must be bad because that feeling about yourself was imposed on you by your step mother. Your step mother is a horrible person, and you were a minor, subjected to all that abuse. You are detached from the feelings what was being done to you was wrong to be able to cope with the abuse at that time. Now that abuser is gone, the scars you have are painful, but it is like breaking a leg in a car accident, where someone DIU/ hit and run smashes into you as you are peacefully crossing the street. You have to heal, but it is tough to learn to walk again. Knowing the pain is there, as time goes on, the pain fades, but the memories stay. Does that kind of situation drive you to get into a car, drink and hit someone else? this may be what you are doing...you are becomming the abuser to avenge the abuse on other people who did not do anything to you. I hope that makes sense...

[Aurora81]

I don't know if I can be of any help but I want you to know that there are others out here who've been through the same thing. I was abused as a child by a trusted family member and found it incredibly difficult to deal with. I blocked it out for years and it caused me enormous problems. When I eventually opened up about the abuse to my current partner (of 7 years now) it opened it all up and I actually had to start dealing with what I'd been through.

 

This is a much over used phrase but things really do sometimes have to get worse before they can get better. I'm not totally over the abuse I endured yet, occasionally it creeps back in but I'm getting there and you will too. I now actually work as a person centred counsellor and the training helped me to face up to and deal with the past. If you ever need anyone to talk to, someone who's been through a similar situation then please don't hesitate to contact me. I really wish you you well and I hope you get in touch, I think we could probably help eachother

[Aurora81]

The above post applies to anyone who needs someone to talk to

[meoww]

My father is also a total creep, he was almost convicted of molesting another victim quite recently.

 

It's really comforting to know I'm not alone in this. Pretty much no one I know will give me the time of day about my experiences, I've lost friends simply by admitting there was domestic violence in my family. The hardest part is never being able to talk about it.

 

OP--I hope you find comfort in a live support group for sexually abused people. I really think you need to know that there are people out there who will accept you even though this happened to you. I went through a really surreal experience after confronting the abuse, I'm not sure if that's typical. I did a lot of inner child work, it sounds silly, but it's helped me more than anything else. It really was like a journey back in time.

[rickIN2011]

My girlfriend shared with me that she was raped at early age. I do care and love her very much. She has nightmares, mood swings and so forth. I do feel very frustrated and helpless because I dont how to help her. We have discussed therapy for her, even though she claims that she had years of therapy without any positive results. Any suggestions for us how to handle this situation??? THANK YOU...

[madagascar]

Aurora, I hope you are actually right.

 

it all happened 20 ys ago - I tried to dig it as deep inside myself as possible, even for months I would not think about it.

Seemingly every time things or life gets a bit tough, insecure or less under control, I do get symptoms though.

 

10 years on, I went anorexic first, then had bulimia for a year and a half. Things then settled again, had no weight issues for years. Now I am married with two children. Moved to a different country, started whole new life, not anywhere near my memories or my family, whom I still can not face and tell what happened as they are just so ignorant, putting their heads into sand, would probably turn away. May not, indeed, but I still don't want to face the possibility of it.

Just after these changes in my life, I have lost a lot of weight, then recently started binge eating, using laxatives, not realising what I was (or actually still am) doing.

My wee child meanwhile got so tired at school and of all the expectations (he is 5) that he just could not behave, felt guilty over things that he thought about people, so I asked for psy help.

Although I never had issues with our sexual life with my husband, now I do. I am just not there.

 

It has just started to make me realise what is actually happening to our lives.

 

Now I am on a slope downwards. Want to creep back up but dunno if I can.

I know Ive got to get to terms with all what happened in order to be a full and functioning member of the family and good role model for the children.

It is tough though. It has to get worse before easing off.

 

The most annoying thing is, that this monster has not only ruined my (or quite possibly a few other female's) lives but also my husband's and it has completely taken away my dreams. The whole situation also carries the risk of me being turned away by my family.

I still find it a struggle to be a good mum, good enough in terms of what I would consider good. I am a perfectionist. I have to give them perfect and functional model for their lives, which my parents failed to do when they sent me away for 2 months' holiday with a close friend of the family at the age of 12.

 

And hate myself for whatever reason but not being able to do what I should be doing and focusing on good things in life.

[madagascar]

Dear SurvivingLife (hope you have turned indeed into LivingLife since)

 

Dunno if you are still around after two years - would understand if, having healed all these wounds just wanted to disappear.

you seem to be so mature and grownup about this all and you, in fact YOU have helped me. My story is similar but at a younger age - and you are right. Not our fault and it should not affect what we think about ourselves and our lives and about good and bad things in general.

 

Well done you and thanks for your strength.

 

M

[JoyceB]

Thank you for your kind words, Wandy, but I am afraid my worst fears have come true. I was in a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend, but by hiding this secret, I let it consume me and it affected our relationship... I sort of became withdrawn without realizing it... the day we broke up, I finally told him what I was dealing with (among other insecurities), and he was upset that I never told him when it was happening... he suggested that I go to counseling, which I finally realize is what I need... the only problem is is that now I may have lost him for good... and I fear that I will lose my family as well.... I'm afraid at what the outcome will be... I am trying to pray for God's will to be done, but I have am having problems surrendering myself to him...

[erinmisfit]

I stumbled on to this page while doing research for a memoir I am going to write. I was sexually abused when I was younger and had told my mom, they separated, then we moved back...finally divorced. She is my best friend, but I have to live with the question as to why we moved back in after I told her. At first I was so embarrassed I only told friends about the physical abuse, and 2 about the sexual; one who talked me in to telling my mom after 8 years.

 

I guess where I am going, not that I think I am cured..but once you can openly talk about it with people it feels better, and so do you. For years I felt sorry for him, he is the sick one. I still think it might effect me as of most of us, that may never change. If this guy really cares for you though, he should understand why its private and support you...if not..then say bye, cause you need to be able to support yourself first.

[TLew]

I am not really sure where to start here but here goes..... I have been thinking a lot about myself over the past few weeks as I've been out of work I've had a lot of time to myself.... it all started to enter my mind when I met an old friend who I have been having casual sex with for the past five years, well I say an old friend he was actually a one night stand, He has asked me to meet him a few times for sex over the years and for some reason I've always gone running... I got a bit low and questioned myself as to why he still had interest in me and foolishly believed there could be something more/// with this I sought advice 'online' which really helped open my eyes as I was told he was just using me for sex that was his only interest and apparently men can have casual sex and will keep it casual for as long as us women let them. They also told me to seek counselling and find out why I let him treat me this way. I have been quite promiscuous and slept with over 30 men in 6 years even the first time I had sex wasn't in the best place and I was not attracted to him.... the only one relationship I had was about sex, I don't enjoy sex and all of my sexual partners have been people I have not even been attracted too or people that I knew I could get into bed, I began looking into why I was behaving this way and came accross a few forums similar to this one and found it could be due to a lot of things such as insecurity, low self esteem or abuse as a child.

 

Anyway.........

 

As I child I think I was sexually abused by my babysitter, she was female and at night I'd share a bed with her and I remember she put my hand in her knickers and pleasured herself with my hand..... she always thought I was asleep but I wasn't why did I not wake up and stop it? I just let her do it then she'd take me into the bathroom to wash my hands!.... I have never opened up about this to anyone because I don't think anyone would believe me given it has been a long time and I have dealt with it by hiding it..... but I do always remember it and it happened on several occasions. I think she may even have touched me inappropriately but I can't be clear on that?! Also my cousin (a couple of years older) used to kiss me and she would initiate it by saying we were playing a game it was horrible and I didn't like it but for some reason I did it anyway...... I think these things that happened to me as a child may be the cause of a lot of anger issues and promiscousity I have today? But is this sexual child abuse? I let them do it. My friend also pressured me into sex a few days ago I really didn't want to but he wouldn't let it go so I just did it anyway!! is this abuse? I don't know if it is and I want to talk about it but it sounds silly and I don't know if it is abuse? If it is it is probably the answer to a lot of my problems particularly with meeting guys I have only ever been on one date and I even though I liked him I felt ridiculously uncomfortable!...... whereas when I go out and get drunk if I guy shows me the slightest bit of attention (in most cases) I end up sleeping with them..

I am due to see a counsellor and I hope I can get all the help I need!

[meoww]

I'm so sorry to hear about what you went through. Your experience was clearly sexual abuse. It doesn't matter what you call it though, trauma is trauma and your babysitter should not have assaulted or taken advantage of you in this way. I don't know why it's so hard for people like us to accept that what happened to us was obviously abuse. In my case, it was partially because I always thought abuse was the kind of thing that happened to people with broken bones or locked up in an attic by their parents or something. I really hope you get the help you need, too. It may help to remember that there are MANY survivors of abuse and you are no different from any normal person who hasn't experienced this. I spent years thinking that I wasn't fully human because of all the things I went through. It's just not true. You can and will recover from this!! hugs

[lopez]

better late than never .. let me now if you still need someone 2 talk to..

[suxa]

I was at a loss as to how I was feeling, so I googled and found this amazing forum.

Thank you for those who posted and contributed. I have been crying at random since I've read through everything.

Yes, it's good to explore my feelings, issues and past by leaning on others and sharing info, but it makes me so sad and angry that there are so many terrible people out there. I don't wish what happened to me on anyone.

 

We've all learned to repress our memories and 'forget about it' because as children, it was impossible to process what had happened to us... I wish these things didn't happen at all, or there would be fewer occurrences. What can we do to stop this pain and suffering caused by our family and trusted ones? I would really like to make a change for the better of our future children and society.

 

We were all robbed of our childhood, innocence, and ability to become who we WERE SUPPOSED to be, without all this pain, baggage, and secrets that we never told anyone, therefore becoming secretive and trusting the wrong people to take advantage of us again, again, and again.

 

I was sexually abused by my uncle when I was six. I remember what he used to say to me, and make me do to him. When he actually had sex with me, I said it hurt, and he said that's the way it's supposed to be (Wow, I just realized that's why later in life, I never complained of pain while the guys were having sex with me, because what he said was ingrained in my mind). And later, I found out he did the same with my sister, which made me even more sick. But the terrible thing, as most of you mentioned and went through is that I build such an impenetrable wall that I 'forgot' about the abuse. I never told anyone because I feared we'd have no where to go, and I didn't want to worry my poor mother who worked so hard to do all the nice things for us. But if she knew, the abuse would have stopped.

 

I used to have nightmares in high school, which turned into screams, so that my family members woke me up. What was my nightmare about? I always dreamed that someone was on top of me, and I couldn't get away. I wrote violent poems contemplating suicide and reflecting on indescribable pain I felt.

 

Since I never dealt with my issues, it was likely that something worse was going to happen, right? My first sexual encounter as an 'adult' at the age of 17, I was raped. Yes, raped. I did not say no, but I didn't say yes either. The guy assumed that I was okay with it, and didn't make sure. As the victim of sexual abuse, I never objected to anyone trying to have sex with me. Why? I (not consciously) didn't think I could stop it. I had no power to do so.... this carried over from what happened to me as a child. I didn't think I could protect myself. And you know what, no one can help us but ourselves.

 

And after that, I still TRUSTED men... blindly. So more and more men had sex with me, without me fighting back either verbally or physically. They could do what they wanted with me, and I just wanted them to finish.

 

Then I met my current boyfriend, and he's the first person I EVER told of my abuse. He's the one who's helped me break down the walls and deal with my issues. Until then, I always blamed myself, felt guilty, worthless, and stupid all the time. I've been dealing with it, but as you know, it never goes away. I'm in the process of not feeling guilty, and putting the blame where it belongs. Sadly, him helping me with the issues has resulted in him not being able to be with me... He's a great guy. He has his own insecurities, and it's just too much on him. I'm so sad that because of what this * * * * * * * of an uncle did to me, I can't be with the only man I have ever loved. He not only helped me, but also my family because he taught me what I need to do set things right for me, for my family, and for this terrible monster.

 

For the longest time, I didn't think I should let my family know what happened. But I know better. He deserves to be punished. He deserves to be excommunicated. He needs to suffer.

 

PEOPLE DO BAD THINGS BECAUSE THERE ARE NO CONSEQUENCES. THEY DON'T THINK THEY WILL GET CAUGHT. THEY WILL NOT BE RIDICULED OR BE EMBARRASSED. Why do we prosecute murderers? If you ask me, these people are the worst, because they leave a scar on our young minds and hearts. How can they live their lives, smile, and enjoy happiness without facing up to the inescapable suffering they have caused?

 

Sounds like abuse lingers from generation to generation. Don't know why, but we have to break the cycle. We need to protect other children from these monsters.

 

After my boyfriend and I are through, I will be happy not to have sex ever again. Yes, healthy sex life is great, yadda yadda yadda.... but I don't think I want to be part of something that has destroyed my life.

 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you are all making good recovery. Hugs to all. Let's all put an end to this and hold these monsters accountable.

[damagedgoods00]

I am 45 and still deal with the aftermath of sexual abuse as a child. I have blocked it out but know who did it, just not what the actual acts were. Certain smells of gum and candies make me gag, some types of patterns on fabric scare me. I have nightmare about these objects and have for over 35 years. I was very sexually active as a teen, starting at 13. I only feel loved if someone really wants me sexually. I am not on my third marraige to a great guy, but I am plagued with panic attacks, anxiety and some OCD rituals. Can I get over this in time and with the meds. I am on , or do I really need counselling? I dont want to know what all happened and I just want to try and move on

[avman]

Meds don't really fix the root of the problem. They deal with symptoms and make it easier for you to manage your symptoms. It's the therapy/counseling which will really get to the core of the problem.

 

So yes I'd really recommend you look into some counseling to help you work through the abuse you suffered.

[misshelby76]

how sad it is and yet some how reassuring that I am not alone.........I was abused when I was 5, and lasted for 2 yrs - the leader of the boys brigade my brothers attended. used to tag a long and give my mum a break..........simple opportunites when he could get me alone he alone he would.......swimming baths is one that stay in my mind.......helping an inocent get changed ....not very inocent considering what he would do..........

 

spent yrs blocking it out - my sexual encounter at 16 ceratinly raised a few memories....as in the fact this wasnt new........repressed sexual feelings that then swung the other way.....not wanting love - just sex....to fill the gap - shut out the voices.......hasnt worked and will not work.......from one wrong relationship to the next........tried therapy....but cant bring myself to say the words out loud.....i was abused.......keep thinking...maybe I was dreaming - maybe its a lie....prehaps i think that and thats the reason why I cant hold a relationship........but know thats not the case.........but I hope with time maybe even with the rite help I can over come this - cerainly not the whole Im a victim type.....35 yr old professional.......youd think Id have sorted it by now.....but there is no time limit on survival of this......

 

after reading all of the blogs above all I can say is I feel your pain and pray for you all - and those that have found help I hope that is forthcoming to the rest of us......not a catholic or do I hold any religion but some nites i do pray.......and will continue to do so for all who have posted........

[AnnaHelene]

  I am a 62 year old woman who struggled all of her life to overcome the horror and emotional effects related to early childhood sexual abuse.

The first incident was at age 2. I found out about this time when hypnotized by an NLP professional.

My recollection of a series of sexual abuses including rape and molestation started at age 6. My grandfather who I loved to cuddle with until that time had molested me, and a few months later, my uncle had raped me. He was the one who suggested to me at that time that he would teach me what a woman is made for. This continued regularly until age 14. He also had threatened me to harm me and my family if I would ever say anything to anyone. He told me that no one would ever believe me. Age 14, my father was drunk and lonely and just wanted to cuddle with me. I was asleep and woke up feeling his penis on my behind. That year I went to a local pastor hoping to get advise what to do. This pastor felt that I needed more physical attention, and so I went to my mother as a last resort. She called me a liar and a * * * * * ....she didn't believe me.

The last sexual abuse by family was done by my brother at age 30. I felt that my body betrayed me!

I never felt secure in any relationships and do experience emotional stress throughout my life. I was a perfect victim attracting the most skilled victors. I was married 5 times mostly to abusive or weak men. I gave birth to 4 children, and lost 2 in early childhood.

After I immigrated to the US, I took in 4 foster sons taking them away from abusive parents.

About 10 years ago, I made the decision to quit being a victim. I learned several meditation methods, went to special spiritual retreats, read many self help books and isolated myself from society as much as possible. It was hard to be able to live alone, because I was always very needy for acceptance, because for lack of self worth. I tried NLP, but could not deal with the recreation of my past. I became a Reiki Master, meditation teacher and life coach for others.

I now live with a man who understands and wants me even if I don't want sex. However, I do have a huge trust and control issue which disturbs my health, peace of mind and could damage the relationship I have right now. Most of my self-destructive behaviors occur during full moon times and sometimes I am afraid for myself. My health is getting worse and I do recognize where it comes from.

I am longing for inner peace, security and for a much better sense of self worth. I am very much aware what I am doing and work very hard to stop.

On the conscious level I forgave my abusers, but it know that everything is still alive inside me. How can I ever forget?

Kindly help me to help myself to create a better quality life without the past scars aching every time something doesn't go my way.

I have only $ 788 widow benefits per month and cannot afford private consultation.

Your advice and confidence is greatly appreciated.