adult dealing with sexual abuse as child

[chgs15]

Stick to the truth regladless of what people say or think, and if you have other sisters i think you should try to help them i beat they went through this same thing with the monster, but in the first place why were u in denial? and why you liked it more? why?

 

My sister got help she saw a counselor. I just cant believe that 2 men took advantage of me i always seemed to blame it on me and figured i was gay or else they wouldnt have done it to me. im not attracted to men my mind just always assumes the worse everytime. My mind is my worst enemy right now.

[alcide]

how sad this hold dam thing is, i feel like screaming how can a dad a father do this to his own flesh and a step dad oh GOD HAVE MERCY, THEY DESERVE TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

[alcide]

After what he did to you, how can you think he won't do it to your daughter? how can u allow your daughter to be with this dog unsupervised? You never no, he might have not touch her , but who knows if he licked her or just pass his hands around her? and sperm on her how do you no he didnt,.

[1979]

when I was young around 11-12 I would sometimes lie down on a bed and my mother would lay on top of me and I would get an erection. I have felt terrible about this and am almost 30 and talked to her about it today and felt it was wrong. She reassured me it was normal for boys that age and I feel sick about it though.

[Jenni Lee]

I haven't read everyone elses response yet, but I wanted to have my own without being influenced by theirs.

 

I was molested myself. I never had any extra people put blame on me, but my best friend was shunned by her whole family and they called her a liar. Hearing her speak and the pain in her voice is obviously real. I can barely imagine how bad that would feel without wanting to break down in tears.

 

I had enough issues with blaming myself for what happened. TO have others blame or not believe would be extremely painful. But I believe you. You wouldn't be here if it weren't true.

 

First thing is first.... DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANYTHING!!! You weren't the offender. No matter how used to it you got, or even if you learned to go with it, it's not your fault. Children are easily manipulated when they look at their abuser as someone of authority.

 

The best thing I found was getting close to my best friend who has experienced a lot of the same things I did in life. It made me feel not so alone and gave me someone who understood my feelings.

 

Unfortunately the memories will never go away (they haven't for me), but they will fade. I find that helping others and talking with other is a great way to heal.

 

I was promiscuous myself during my teen years and I did get counseling right after the molestation was reported. My mother believed me the moment I said it. How could you not believe a little kid saying "mom, Robert has been having fake sex with me." She freaked! I had no idea what it was really called back then. I just had a neighbor (little older kid) witness it one time and tell me it was wrong, so I finally told my mom. It turns out that there was a whole molestation line in my family and I was the one who stopped it. My little sister was being molested with me, and I feel good that I had helped save her. But I held guilt for a long time for getting that person in trouble because towards the end I was even initiating some of the molestation (like getting out of the bath naked and dancing for him and flaunting myself. It's what I was trained to do)

 

The guilt and feeling ruined is what held me back for so long. I slept with people because I felt that's how I got them to like me. I had no self-esteem for anything but my body. When I realized how much I've been used and abused, I wanted to close off.

 

Memories started haunting me as sexual things came up.

 

What helped me was I realized that the person I am with now LOVES me. He wants my body in a non-sick way. He wants to show his passion and love through natural ways. Eventually those thoughts will take over during sexual encounters with them while the 'being used' feeling fades.

 

Just remember someone STOLE your innocence. But you are still a beautiful person!

[Jenni Lee]

im 21 and about to embark on my journey to recovery. i was sexuall abused by my god father and a family friend on separate occassions during my childhood and recently i was raped by my partner. my mother was sexually abused by her father when she was a child but has never dealt with it and so im completely alone. im affraid, my past has warped me into a selfish, horrible person who now has no support around her because ive burnt all the people that i care about around me in the name of 'trying to find myself' when in reality ive just been running away in denial. im ready to stop running and start fighting but i dont know if im strong enough to do it or if theres anyone who can really help me

 

You at least have us. I just found this place and it seems like a very loving and supportive community.

[Jenni Lee]

Your story made me cry. Still drying the tears. I'm glad you are starting the healing process. No one should have to go through what you did. I hope you learn to love fully again. Your father is a perfect example of what not to be.

[Jenni Lee]

It almost sounds like you are struggling for that power. The power that was taken away from you. Find the power within yourself by not doing these self-destructive things. It will finally start filling the void that you haven't been able to fill by doing these other things.

 

If your girlfriend loves you and saw this post, she would probably cry... not because you just hurt her, but because of how seriously wounded you are.

[guestforgood]

i suffered sexual abuse from a close member of my family. it happened when i was 8; now i'm 22 and still trying to cope with it.

the problem is, he was in his teens and i am not sure if i fully understood what was going on. sometimes i blame myself for it; sometimes i want to rip his guts out. besides constant anxiety and low self-esteem, my biggest problem is being sexually close to any boyfriend i have (which is the main reasons why they don't last for more than 2 months). to be honest i haven't really liked them at all; the one i did like disappeared from my life because i couldn't tell him the truth and i either avoided or was petrified from physical touch. this happened 2 years ago and i'm still dealing with guilt for letting down the only person i cared about.

the abuse did not include penetration but i was touched in the wrong way and lied to. i was told that 'it should be that way', that 'everyone does it and it's normal'. my mum found out all about it and i was also yelled at; she never asked me what really happened. i had to keep quiet about it. the abuser tried to do it again; but i threatened him that i will reveal everything to someone he was really scared of -- what he said and did. eventually he stopped.

this is the first time i talk about the whole thing. on the surface, my life seems ok, but it's pretty rotten 'behind the scenes'. i have to see the abuser on daily basis and this is something that cannot be avoided.

i'm not sure if there is something to do about this, really. but i'm sick and tired of the anxiety, the guilt, low self-esteem and all that jazz. i don't think i'm even able to talk to guys any more; i just push them away.

thanks for your time. and thank you for sharing your experience; i know my post is selfish but i just had to let it out.

cheers

[Carlo_7]

Hello everyone. I still can't believe how many good people and children are suffering and dealing with sexual abuse as a child.

I was 12 years old (now 36) when I first learned my mother was sexually abuse by her father when she was only 7 yrs old. I did not stopped until she was 15. She was the oldest of 5 sisters. All of them where also abuse as child. One of my uncles, the youngest of the boys is the one that told my older bother and me about what occurred n the family years ago. Up til now, all of my aunts including my beautiful mother are suffering and dealing with their past. It has affected my mother the most because she was the first one and let her father do what he did so he wont abuse her sisters as much.

Sadly enough my mother now exhibits many problems and it has destroyed her marriage and slowly deteriorating her relationship with my brother and me. Sometimes I want to blame just about everyone in my family for not doing something to stop it when there was an opportunity.

About my father, he was never there for my mother. He was never the type to help her get through the emotional trauma. I blame him for some things he used to tell my mother. My mother is such a beautiful person both inside/out. She's now 55 and still dealing with all that crap.

 

Our system of society has tolerated this for many years and it appears it is still occurring. I feel so bad for everyone that has been exposed to any kind of sexual abuse and pray you will find peace and forgiveness.

 

Always remember we also live in a world of not only evil but spiritual world. That spiritual world does have strong ties to the reason why people do such evil things. Trust me, I seen it. I was a special operator for the Navy. Later became a cop and firefighter post myNavy time. I can tell you the many things I experienced in my short life that it would require many pages to explain evil around the world.

 

For those that have suffered, please be strong and keep focused. I know is not easy but do not despair. I wish there were more support groups so that people can talk and get it all out. It has helped my mother to a small % but it has helped her. Also you need to surround yourself of people that not judgmental in anyway. Try finding people that are there to help you and care for you. I'm suffering the consequences just like you indirectly because I care for my mother and my aunts.

 

Keep fighting. Do not give up. Find a local support group around your area. Email me if you don't know what to do. I can help you search.

 

The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don't do anything about it. - Albert Einstein.

 

I'm here to help in anyone. email removed

[cntspk]

plz read the word grandad makes me sick and give advice PLZ X

[Arabella314]

All these stories are so sad. When I was twelve I had met this older guy. He was in his mid to late twenties. He would always call me and say he was gonna come & get me so I can go over to his apartment. He would ring the downstairs bell & I'd meet him downstairs cause I didn't want my mom questioning why I was meeting up with this older guy and I knew she wouldn't let me go. (Sometimes I was alone or I would bring my friend) Though my friend messed with his eighteen yr old cousin one time, he never tried anything with me, so I didn't think anything of it. Then one day I was in his house and I had a headache, so he said he'd get me some aspirins. He gave me these two pills. They looked like aspirins, smaller but similar and since he was such a ''nice guy'' to me up til then, so I took them. A few minutes after that his two cousins (The eighteen yr old & one who was a year younger than me) showed up. After that it's a blur. I remember pieces like leaning on the side of the bed holding my head while my pants are being pulled off, then the older guy being under me and the 18 yr old behind me. I remember them having me in the shower (since I was a virgin, I guess I bled) and them talking about the cousin who was younger than me wasn't a virgin anymore either. Then I remember being pulled off the bed and being dressed by the older guy cause my friend was banging on the door. About two years after that I was hanging out with this guy and he was telling me about all these different drugs, so I thought about what happened & told him that one time I took a pill and I described it to him. He said it was a roofie and and asked me if I was ok if anything happened. Of course I said I was fine & nothing happened. The thing is...it makes me sad cause I always dreamed about my first being with a guy I loved and I hate all of them for taking that away, but I never needed counseling or had nightmares about it. That bothers me the most cause I think ''is there something wrong with me that I'm not affected by it like I hear all the other girls are."

[wan]

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

Hi after reading mollymatthews post i am amazed at how close to the same feelings we have. Luckily in some ways i was abused by a babysitter from the age of 6 to 9 he was 18 i say luckily because i never have to see him unlike some others do. I am 34 and until 3 yrs ago i had buried all the hurt and pain until my husband broke his back and i ended up in councelling. I am also suffering with reliving the images and this is affecting my family life and my intamacy with my husband. I luckily seem to have found the right therapist as i am working through this it is taking time but i am dealing with the issues as they come up and thought it is taking time the bits that have been dealt with have stopped haunting me .

[jacob10]

Hi there,

 

My experience sounds extremely similar, I was 8, had inappropriate experiences with a close family member, and i am now 22. For me the question still is, "was i sexually abused?" i kind of feel like the circumstances were different than most, and there was no actual intercourse or much more than just bizarre moments.

 

I too suffer from anxiety, and have a slight issue with my self image, i seem to have a hard time keeping people around, and i generally burn alot of bridges with former friends etc....

 

have you found much help here, or else where?

[guestforgood]

nope. still pretty miserable.

thing is, this 'perpetraor', well his life is kinda blank (no real friends, no girlfriend etc.). not only do I have to see him on daily basis, I also have to feel sorry for him and try to help him improve life (something like, get some friends for him). i'm not really into it, to be honest, since i don't feel motivated to do something nice for someone who has treated me like a toy. i actually don't want to hang out with him. and i get all the pressure from my mum (and feel guilty), who knows what has happened, to change my life + habits + friends so as to help this poor man. feel like going mad.

[survivinglife]

I would like to share my story - not the worst abuse case you would have heard, but ALL abuse cases are horrific for those who were victims.

I want to give people an insight to grooming and how abusers twist the victims mentality. Remember - it is NEVER your fault.

It has a good ending.... and I hope to reach out to those seeking strength.

 

I was sexually abused by a family friend at the age of 14. The thing is, I was groomed. I knew him from the age of 12 and to put his hand on my shoulder or holding my hand to lead me somewhere was normal.

Grooming occurred and I didn't even recognise it (until a few months ago when I got professional help). He would get me a coke from the bar and purposefully brush his elbow against my chest - at 14 I didn't move - it it was an accident, then me moving or saying something would be uncool. He would brush my thigh in the car while changing gears.... same sort of thing. All to really determine if I was going to push him away. At that age I had no idea of his mentality.

 

Anyway, at 14 he was being silly in the car and all of a sudden asked what would I do if he stopped the car in an industrial estate? I told him he wouldn't dare.... so he did. nothing happened that time as I started to panic and he took me home. I didn't tell anyone even though I knew something wasn't right - I felt I had led him on.

 

Slowly but surely more things happened as the car stopped again and again. I got used to it and actually kind of enjoyed it. I got a lot of emotional support from him and some of the physical feelings were nice too.

On my 15th birthday he asked me if I wanted to lose my virginity. I said he was a year too early. Did that stop him? No. Again, it ended up where I was asking him to take my virginity as he had told me I would feel special and it was a precious thing we could share and be really close etc. Writing it now makes me feel sick. The abuse carried on until I was 18, when I decided I wanted a proper boyfriend and had my own car.

 

I went through life thinking that I had been stupid and promiscuous. It was my fault I had lost my virginity. Did I forget to mention this guy was 43 to my 14? Probably!!

My relationships were either with older men, control freaks, or, when I happened to meet a nice guy I would purposefully be destructive as I felt I didn't deserve it. I kind of knew I had been abused, but it was so grey as he was a family friend and I had asked him to do things to me.

 

At 33, I stopped hiding these feelings of what I thought was abuse as I broke down in front of a friend. His comment was "This should have been dealt with years ago"

That comment hit me where nothing else ever had.

 

I started having a breakdown and was put on antidepressants, went to a psychotherapist and talked like I never have before. Through these sessions I began to see what had happened with adult eyes. I *had* been groomed. I was *not* at fault. His behavious was *not* normal. I was the victim in this.

 

I ended up somehow going to the police station. They believed me and took me seriously. I made a full, detailed statement and agreed to testify at crown court. There is a law that covers sex/penetration with a minor aged 13-15 where the accused is over 18 and aware of the childs age. Maximum jail sentence - 14 years. (Note: 12 and under is classed as rape)

 

In the end though, this law wasn't in place as it is now when my abuse happened. I would have had to report the abuse within 12 months. Nowadays, there is no time limit. The CIA were supportive though and offered me support and even went and informed my abuser that this report had been filed after 20 years. He did admit a sexual relationship but insisted I was 16. Sadly, they couldn't have done anything anyway.

 

The thing is, I no longer have a big secret. I was abused by a sick man. It was not my fault. I am a good person and deserve good things. My friends and the police and the doctors all believe me and support me. He now knows what he did has affected me for 20 years AND I know that my evidence will be on record so if he ever touches anyone else he is in for a jail sentence. At pension age now, he would probably die there.

 

The last 12-18 months has been hell. I have had a few good friends who have been my rock. I am out the other side and free of my demon. I can at last look in the mirror and tell me that I like myself

 

If you have or have had any abuse get help. You are not alone. Reach out and ask for help. The first steps are hardest but without them you cannot heal. If people don't believe you, that is hard, but it is their problem - they are in denial just as some of us have been at some point. There are still others out there who will believe you.

You are worth it. you deserve happiness. you deserve some sort of peace. you are not a bad person - put the blame squarely on the shoulders of where it belongs.

 

Phew! that was long (and slightly therapeutic!)

If this helps just one of you out there then I will be so happy. Don't live how I lived for 20 years. Sort it out now. It's hard, but you will survive (lets face it, you have been through worse) and you will come out, not perfect, but with hope that there is a better life out there for you xx

[survivinglife]

That bothers me the most cause I think ''is there something wrong with me that I'm not affected by it like I hear all the other girls are."

 

I would have said that about me 10 years ago

 

I think it depends on how you mentally deal with it. Sometimes, you can do it very well, sometimes pop it is a box (I did!) and sometimes break down straight away. No way is right or wrong.

 

You say you do feel anger, so there is something there - something you aren't over, but living with. Do you think you can live with this the rest of your life with it never coming out? If yes, great, if not.... get help sooner, not later.

 

I would suggest at least telling a couple of people you are close to and talking openly about how you feel about it now - or use the forums here for this. The problems come when you bottle up that anger.

If you can, go and see a counsellor or get a doctor to refer you to a phychiartrist and even if you just speak to them a bit, it will help you piece things together in your head a bit better.

[pinkpig]

Hi,

i dont really no where to start..but feel talking about this to somebody i dont no may help..so here goes!!

 

I was 6 when my mother met my abuser it started just 2 week into there relationship..i wnt go into details as its just as hard for me to write as it is for people to read, anyway this sexual abuse carried on more or less everyday. coming into my room at night and flushing the loo when he heard my mum calling, waiting till ha got me on my own, getting me out the bath...he got that brave hed make me sit behind him and hed do it while my mother was in front off him..

 

I got to the age of eight and the abuse escalated to me being raped..it only happened once but that was the worse experience of my life..i got to the age of ten and just couldnt take anymore so i told my bestfriend in school who went straight to my teacher.

I was taken out of class and to the head to talk, i was frightened to death..i thought id be in big trouble, that my mum would hate me...etc, i remember it was a friday and was sent home for the weekend being told everything would be soughted monday morning. I stayed at my nans that weekend so was relieved not to have to spend any time at home.

 

Monday morning came and i was taken straight to the head teachers office where social services where waitin for me..they told me theyd informed my mum and i was to be taken to her now..i was shaking with fear of what would happen to me because of what my evil step father had placed in my head. My mum was at my nans they botrh grabbed hold of me and cried..relief took over my body..its all over i thought..i thought wrong.

 

The next few week were a blur..i remember going out with social services, drawing pictures andbeing in an interview room with a mirrored wall and a police officer n social worker preasent..i remember being embarrest teling them what happened to me...having to repeat every horrid detail....

 

I also remember being told if my stepfather went to prison hed be killed and torchured...believe it or not this was my mum whod sat and listened to the interview to every sordid detail. At home one night she told me shed invited him round and after that day i was more or less told to say i made it up because he said hed throw my bike away,,,surely the social should of been able to see thrwe this..i was ten!!

 

After that day my mum and step father got back together and things got worse...my mum started working nights and this vulgar man started putting in my head that i was his girlfriend and he was in love with me and being a child and thinking there is nothing i could do or say because id tried i had to do as i was told. my friends started seeing him following me when we out.hed post letters threw r saying they were off other lads..saying id been sleeping with them...calling my boyfriends house calling there mum slags and saying its what id told them and it was my friends saying it...ha used to write his name on my school bag as if he were my boyfriend...he even written on my front door in black marker making out i was sleepin with people and that i was a slag..yet i new it was him. He actually rang the school one day and told them i was having sexual intercourse with a lad 2 year older than me..it was really bad.

 

I got to the age of 15 and my mum told me shed been seeing another man his name was lee and she was going to the pictures with him would she cover for me...shed told my step father she was going to her mates so thats what i had to say. At home that night my stepfather phoned my mums friend to be told no my mum wasnt there..so guess who got the brunt off his anger...it went on for 6 hours....

My mum got home they split up the next day, it was near xmas and i was dumped at my nans...rejected again in my eyes.

 

This is the bit even i dont get....i carried on seeing this man, he never touched me or even suggested anything to me..but he gave me presants n mobile phones etc..the only reason i can think of is to rebel against my mum who never had put me first for all these years..anyway my mum eventually put a stop to it when she found out had done it to somebody else...

 

We got on with life..i did rubbish at school. hated my mum for years but we now have a steady relationship..i see her everyday more or less she is still selfish and still hasnt really tried to make up for what she let me go threw..ive been couciling..ive talked about it till im blue in the face ive been in two abusive relationships one resulting in two fractures to my jaw.....but the beginning of this year i thought id found peace at last...ive got two beautifull children and met a lovely lad who loves me..i hadnt felt down or depressed for nearly a year..now ive just found out my abuser is living two streets away facing the school my child goes too..im stuck ive rang the police but due to me dropping the charges there saying without me going all the way with this theres not much i can do..i dont think ive got it in me though i dont want to go threw it all again...please help and thanks for reading my story its been a great help getting it off my chest x

[tulip56]

I was sexually abused by my father when I was 13. I was brought up in isolation (yes, "homeschooled") and beaten regularly mostly by my mother. The beatings would always be in inconspicuous places and would leave bruising. I feel the need to justify that they were real beatings, not parental smacks on the bottom! Religion was a major part of growing up and I always felt that I was sinful and wicked. I used to dread winter because I would always get the flu which was a symptom of my wickedness, hence more beatings for "letting the devil into the house". My mothers mantra was "beat them til they start crying then beat them til they stop", however I would have to be careful how soon I started and how soon I stopped otherwise it would mean that I was mocking her and she would beat me till the stick broke or her arm was tired. This happened to all my brothers and sisters. I grew up to revere my father as a religious figurehead, I believed he was close to God. When I was 13 he started showing an interest in me, petting me, complimenting me, taking me out for drives, then camping, nude swimming, bathing with me, kissing and saying he loved me and if I needed love to go to him for it, treating me like a lover would. Then he would explain sex and get me to touch his genitals and show them to me while erect. This stopped abruptly when our parents divorced as he was worried child services would take us away from him. (He needed child support payments.) My mother was aware of his behaviour to me as he was like this with another sibling but in that case it had progressed a bit further. My mother encouraged him in that situation. I forgot it all and started remembering suddenly when I was 22. I was suicidal and started cutting myself but not seriously. I realised I didnt want to die, I just wanted not to feel or think about it, it was too confusing. My siblings are just now starting to mention things, but I feel that I cant talk about it with them too much as I feel like I'm taking away their dad, apart from the abuse he had the least negative impact on us. Sometimes I feel upset that they still talk to him but I can understand that it takes time to get out of denial. What hurts the worst is when you try to tell a close friend who you think you can trust and they trivialise it or try and talk it down or even say I should forgive. I've only tried to tell 2 friends and 1 ex and wont bother again. I make up happy lies about my happy childhood instead! easy! I can't find a way of dealing with it but 99% of the time I can cope. I dont have contact with either of my parents which helps. If I didnt have my siblings I dont think I would where I am now. I have scheduled in my next breakdown for when I go wedding dress shopping.. if I can find someone I trust to marry!

 

Thanks for listening

[keelie beck]

hi stephanie,

my name is keelie and im 33 i was raped 3 times and sexually abused once by my uncle wen i was 13yrs old,i have tried not to let it rule my life but it dose i have flashbacks and loads ov bad memories,ive been begging sum one to help me 4 the past 20yrs ive been on tablets they only work 4 so long and then im like a zombie, i crnt be like that ive 3 kids to think about,i reported it to the police last june i made my video interveiw with the child protection team, where now in february and there doing nothing,ive been to my gp hes referd me 4 counciling they rang me this morning to tell me they crnt see me so there referring me to sumone else(more waiting), ive done everything i know and still got nowhere please if u know ov anything else i could do, thanx 4 taking time to read this all the best xxx

[keelie beck]

I need help! My dad molested me for years when I was a kid. I'm 33 now and just beginning to deal with it. I'm scared, confused and have no one to talk to about it. I've tried talking to a therapist but it's not working out. I'm having tormenting nightmares and memories. To be honest, I liked it better when I was in denial. The problem is that while I used to be very promiscuous, I now can't have a normal sex life with my husband because I'm haunted with memories. My family has disowned me, my mom called me a liar. Help! I'm hurting and want to get through this and get it behind me. Is it possible?

hi molly,

our stories r very simaller the only difference is it was my uncle not my dad, i was raped 3 times and sexually assulted once, my familly have dissowned me so im dealing with this on my own so if ever u want to talk im always here maybe we cud help each other get through this all the best xx

[tryintomoveon]

Hey all...I happened to come accross this forum when lookin for ways to cope with all I have been through over the years since I was little. I haven't talked to really too many people about it as I am embarrassed and it is hard for most to believe...I reallly want to get over all the pain, frustration, anger, and most importantly to learn to be better at dealing with it so I can move on to have a good relationship one day that I don't destroy.

My situation is quite complex...but I'll try to some it up...and ANYONE that can help me with an advice, I'm 100% open to it all. I've done counseling once but the lady called me a liar so I stopped going...that was years ago.

When I was younger, my grandpa molested me and would from a very young age try to "play" with me every opportunity he could get without anyone noticing. I remember vaguely the events, mainly that I hated him and that I would always be red in the face and want to try when I left his house, especially after bath time. He eventually passed when I was eight. My brother around the same time, who oddly enough is still around the family but in and out of trouble, molested me and would do several things to me. From verbal abuse, physical abuse, and sexual abuse it never failed. He'd always say he'd hurt me if I tried to tell my parents growing up. But a brother who is a year older shouldn't be taking his private areas and putting them up to yours or groping you wasn't normal and I knew it. Out of fear I never said anything. Then when I was 16, I was raped twice in one night, hours apart. The first guy grabbed me took me into the woods and got upset because I told him I'd never mess with him, then proceeded to rape me. Afterwards someone in a distance saw us and he ran, out of fear, I ran as well. I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to get home because I was already late getting home. When i got a ride with someone who I thought was a friend, he stopped off at a nearby church a couple miles down the road and said that my repayment for the ride was I had to have sex with him. I told him no, he held me down on the seat and proceeded to rape me. When I got home, I went in my room and cried myself to sleep. I was too scared to say anything as I knew the two guys and thought if I went to the cops they would try to kill me because both were drug dealers. Thoughtout the week in school I stayed to myself, and felt violated. Later that week, I was going to a local hangout at a community center to meet up with my girlfriend to just find some things to do to stay out of trouble...on the way there, walking, my brother's "friend" (brother who molested me and was a drug dealer), said he had something for me to give my brother, I just kept walking. He (6 ft something and grown like late 20s early 30s) grabbed me by the arm and said I'm talking to you, come with me. I didn't know at that point where he was taking me but I was scared to scream as I knew he had a gun on him. He took me into a rundown apartment building nearby into an empty apt, locked the door and pushed me on the floor. He pinned his knees on my thighs, pulled down his pants and held me down. After he proceeded to rape me, a noise outside startled him and he jumped up and looked out the window, I ran as fast as I could and went out the building. I ran to my girlfriends house nearby in tears and didn't say anything. She asked me what was wrong, but terrorized by everything that happened in the last few minutes to last week I didn't know what to say or if to say anything at all. Over the next few years, I was raped 5 more times with different men in different situations which were not very pleasant either, one involving two guys 'takin turns' raping me with a porn movie playing. I have felt like maybe I set myself up, but when I look back at each situation, I wasn't dressing revealing, I wasn't trying to come on to any guy, I wasn't in any place I shouldn't have been. At 17, I found out that the one guy who raped me in the apt building ended up going to jail around 6 months after the rape...and recently found out that he got aids in jail (thank goodness I haven't gotten it and have been able to confirm he got it from jail, someone found out in jail that the guy raped women so that guy had aids and decided to rape the guy back saying what goes around comes around). That made me get checked at 17 and I found out I had herpes. Since, it has been really hard dating, some of the guys that I have dated have physically abused me and emotionally and verbally abused me. One slammed me against a frig and told me I needed to know my place as a woman, another strangled me and tried to throw a tv set at me and kill me. Not only do I have to deal with the rapes and molestations but an STD and the pain and hatred of it all. The men who raped me coincidentally were all black and its been hard for me to date anyone but that race. I don't understand it all but I've been told I date them because I feel overpowered and victimized by them. Recently I found a nice Caucasian guy, which is what race I am, and I would realllly like to date him but I know with all the past stuff I have trouble with keeping it together in a relationship, let alone with a caucasian man because of the child molestations being so close with family mbrs. I feel hurt and like I may never get what I want in a relationship. I believe strongly in God which has gotten me through all of the pain thus far but I know I need more help than just reading books and trying self help stuff...if anyone can help please do! And keep me in your prayers that I am able to over come all this. I know God has not meant for me to feel all this hatred towards men.

[samantha20]

This terrifies me. Is it common for people to have absolutely no recollection of sexual abuse..like what if I was abused and never knew about it..how would I find out (sorry my question mark button isn`t working. I feel intensely uncomfortable around my step dad for no reason..what if he abused me and I just don`t remember..could this be possible

[AmbyM]

The crazy thing i that my story i not like a lot of peoples. I actually had parent that took good care of me and we were considered normal. But the problem came in when one of my my uncles decided they were going to continuoly molest me starting at age 5. My parent didn't know for a long time and if u ak them now they still would act like they didn't know. We were the "keeping up with the jones'" family thing like that didn't happen to us. Grandma walked in told saw u and told my mom, but he didn't defend me. Let's fast forward.Somehow I manage to forget this whole thing ever happened after years. I lived a fairly normal life through my later teenage year becaue I had blocked thi out. My mom and me alway had a strained relationhip becaue of some reason. Like he blamed me for omething. Nonthele I still was a success seeking teen. I was in everything. Then come the first boyfriend and things start not adding up. I get nervou when we are alone, I don't really believe he ever likes me. I allow him t keep me at a distance because then i am at a distance. That' s when I start to remember little thing. but I never admitted it. I have what could only be decribed as the worst sex life ever and it' becaue I am scared. I have a love hate relationhip with it. It ha no intimacy. I have had sex four times in my life but never been kissed. That make me hate myelf and wanto be different. That makes me hate him. I purposely ruin relationhips and I let guys use and abuse me. I almot don't believe I will ever find someoneI can be honest and have intimacy with that won't think I am a complete loser. I am afraid that I will never truly enjoy sex because all the guys are going to hurt me. I am afraid I am not lovable. I am currently going to school for couneling to help children that have been abued but I am having a hard time becaue I can't seem to help myelf. I just want to find intimacy and be happy. I jut need to know some ways I can cope.

[tryintomoveon]

AmbyM...you are definitely not alone...I always thought no one would understand how I feel, but you kinda expressed how I feel. But the little difference is I've started many relationships of promiscuity instead of being able to keep a steady relationship that I don't mess up. I'm always scared the man really doesn't love me, like the joke is on me feeling. And like right now, I feel like a miserable person, I feel like I regret a lot of things because of what happened..I feel like it's all my fault. I know it's not or so I am told to tell myself, but I feel like I could have tried to do something to prevent it. I'm a perfectionist a my job and anything I can try to control...I think the rapes and molesations make me feel like I can't control things so I try to control everything I can...even though I know I really can't. In school I've always had good grades, have a good job, etc...but no one really knows how hurt I feel, how discusted with myself because I feel like...used and abused that no one will want me. It feels like a man will not want to be with me because of it all...and it gets me down because I really want to be happy and not let it control me..but having a life long disease is hard to ignore when you want to move on. I feel like I could do everything in the world right for a man but because of my past it would never amount to much...like I'll always feel short of being a good woman....Well AmbyM I will keep you in my prayers..and just know you ain't the only one. We'll get through this and we will be happy....