Unintended pregnancy Help

[DateAndConfuse]

I fooled around with this girl a few times. I said from the beginning I only wanted to have fun(that was dumb), nothing serious. We used protection and she was on the pill. Unfortunately she was also on an antibiotic that caused the pill to be ineffective and we had a condom break. Worst luck ever. 4 weeks later she tells me she is pregnant. We both have very different views. I want an abortion. The abortion pill seems like a very good option and I would be there for her during and after. She wants to keep it and "work things out", but I see no future with her. I know in the end it is her choice and I am trying to be respectful of that but I really feel like she is trying to trap me into a relationship. We both didn't want this to happen. I am looking for advice. Do I try to convince her? Is that fair to express my very strong opinion? This is huge! The next 18 years of my life could be all forced.

 

Please do not turn this into a pro choice, pro life debate.

 

Thanks for any advice

[sara-pezzini]

if she wants to have this child there is nothing you can do but are you sure it's yours? you have every right to tell her how you feel about this and she can't use it to force you into a relationship, that's not fair to either of you or the baby, you were upfront with her about your intentions....you can tell her that even though you don't want a relationship you will try to help her with the baby if that's what she wants as you do have a certain responsibility as well..but she can't use it to trap you...so you can't tell her what to do but can make it clear how you feel and that it won't make you want to stay in a relationship with her...

 

also if she already knows after four weeks that she is pregnant that is really very early to tell, are you sure she isn't lying? i was 5 weeks pregnant before i had any symptoms....

[HeartGoesOn]

Of course you have a right to your opinion, but when all is said and done she has the final say. Since you don't see a future with her, hopefully you'll decide to be a part of the child's life, and paying child support goes along with that. I'm sure that you didn't want this to happen, but one of the responsibilities of having sex, is knowing that there is always the chance of pregnancy, as a result of that choice.

[rocio]

also if she already knows after four weeks that she is pregnant that is really very early to tell, are you sure she isn't lying? i was 5 weeks pregnant before i had any symptoms....

 

She probably had a missed period and took a test. That's the first symptom and it shows up in under a month. Not sure it's a good idea to accuse her of lying at this point.

[DateAndConfuse]

Yea she went to get blood work after 2 positive tests at her place. I do believe her when she says I am the only one she has been with.

[rocio]

All you can do is be honest about what role you're going to play in this. Be very clear with her that you don't see a future with her and that it's not your wish to be a father. What she decides isn't within your control.

 

By the way, when you decided to have sex with her, you took this risk. Nobody is forcing anything upon you. Men need to realise the risks they're taking any time they have sex.

[Cognitive_Canine]

It's her choice whether or not to keep the baby. But, you also have the choice of whether or not you want anything to do with her or this child. You are not obligatedt

 

But, no matter what you choose, you will have to pay for child support.

[DateAndConfuse]

I agree I took the risk and it is 50% my fault

[Ariel85]

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do at all. If she has the baby, no, you don't have to be in a relationship with her, but, expect to pay child support, etc.

 

FWIW, I knew a guy who got someone pregnant on a ONS.

 

I'd seek the counsel of an attorney, as I'm sure once she finds out you don't want to be involved with her, it will get very ugly for you.

[lavenderdove]

She can have the baby and there is nothing you can do about that, but she cannot force you into being her partner and romantic interest, if you know you don't want a future with her.

 

You need to make it very clear that if she decides to keep the baby, you will not be her love partner nor marry her, and that she will be raising the child on her own. your only obligation will be to pay the legal child support established by the court if she can establish you are indeed the father thru a paternity test, but that is as far as it goes.

 

Also encourage her to get counseling to decide whether keeping the baby is a good option for her, with the clear understanding that she will be raising the child on her own other than the legally required child support from you, and if you choose to sometimes have visitation with the child you may do that, but you have no intention of being her partner nor marrying or living with her. So she needs to drop any romantic fantasies she has about trapping you into marriage etc., while understanding that though it is her right to have the baby is she chooses to, your only obligation is to pay legal child support and you don't owe her more than that nor intend to be her romantic partner.

 

If she was using the pregnancy as a means to trap you, being very firm in your expressions that you have no intention of continuing the relationship with her (and don't continue seeing her or sleeping with her), then she might realize the reality of the situation, that she will be raising the baby on her own. If she feels strongly enough to do that on her own, then so be it, but just makes sure that she understands up front that you don't intend to 'work it out' by being her husband/BF or continuing to see her etc. You need to be very honest with her telling her that you really had no intention of getting serious, and a pregnancy does not change that, and in fact sobered you up and made you realize she is not the one for you and you made a mistake being intimate with her.

 

Tell her she can contact you in future through an attorney, and she might get the point. Some women when confronted with the fact the man won't be trapped into marriage or continue the relationship with them, will opt for an abortion, if they specifically tried to use a pregnancy to trap the guy. If she is just someone who is strongly against abortion, then nothing will probably change her mind. But if she gets even a hint that you might 'work it out with her', she'll probably opt to keep the baby, so you need to be very firm if you genuinely are not intending to turn this into a permanent relationship.

 

It is tough to be a single parent, and if she is under any illusion that you will end up with her in a 'real' family, then you need to make it clear that won't happen so she knows full well what she is dealing with before making any decisions about abortion or adoption or keeping the baby.

[Snny]

She wants to keep it and "work things out", but I see no future with her. I know in the end it is her choice and I am trying to be respectful of that but I really feel like she is trying to trap me into a relationship. We both didn't want this to happen. I am looking for advice. Do I try to convince her? Is that fair to express my very strong opinion?

As under_my_amberella stated, you took the risk and now you got to face the responsibility. Welcome to adulthood. She is not trapping you into a relationship... you agreed to have intercourse when you both were not ready and not in a solid relationship to begin with.

 

No, you don't have to marry her if you don't want (nor should you), but you still owe up to the responsibility if she expects child support from you through legal action. That's where things get really ugly. You have a right to express your concerns and you should be clear that you don't wants a relationship, but be prepared that she will ask for child support and the court is going to side with her unless she is an unfit mother.

 

Are you saying you don't want a relationship from fear of this incident? Or did you decide this after intercourse and before knowing about the pregnancy?

 

Depending the settlement the court comes up with and the income you make, the average you pay in child support is $400 per month.

[DateAndConfuse]

We both said we didn't want anything serious before we did anything. I don't know how much she meant that. Also, I barely make 1k a month which is part of the reason I think a kid is a terrible choice at this point in my life. Child support would kill me

[anya1607307555]

I agree with most of the advice given, in that unfortunately there is little you can do at this point except make it clear there will be no relationship between you and her (if that is what you decide). Remember you can seek counselling to help you come to terms with the outcome/situation.

[Yaz]

Refuse a relationship. Do not refuse the responsibility of a child. Keep away from her and seek the assistance of a lawyer, otherwise there will be tears.

 

Might want to say this:

This is your choice, but it's the child's life.

Are you really willing and ready to be a single mother? Because I am not ready to be a father, and I will not be in a relationship with you. The only support I can provide is X, Y and Z.

[Cognitive_Canine]

We both said we didn't want anything serious before we did anything. I don't know how much she meant that. Also, I barely make 1k a month which is part of the reason I think a kid is a terrible choice at this point in my life. Child support would kill me

 

Child support is based on how much you make. You will probably be paying more like 100 a month. Children are extremely expensive.

[BellaStranger]

I agree with what everyone else said really- it going to be important to be very honest and upfront from the beginning and state what you want and what you are willing to agree to, however, if she really wants to keep te baby, there will be nothing you can do. Just make sure she is fully aware that she will be doing it on her own- then she makes her own informed decision!! My OH and I were in the same position and we did decide to work it out and that was a mutual decision...but just so you know, had he felt as you do, I would certainly still be having this baby- nothing would have stopped me!!

 

I agree with what LavenderDove said- she's very eloquent with these things- but apart from this bit

'and if you choose to sometimes have visitation with the child you may do that'

 

I don't think you should feel you will have the right to drop in and out of the childs life as you please. If you make a committment to him or her emotionally, then you need to honour that....because that child is going to love you unconditionally and random disappearing (with or without financial support-which you will have to pay) could be very damaging. It's a mothers right and duty to protect her child, and I don't think she would be unreasonable to take steps to prevent you from doing this!!

[DateAndConfuse]

I think I would want to be in the life of the child. That is what makes this so tough. It feels like if I try to be supportive of the child and not "us". She gets the fantasy that I want to be with her. I feel responsible, and I AM responsible but it is just such a tough situation when we both have completely different views.

 

Thanks for the advice so far, it really helps

[Cognitive_Canine]

Do you want to share custody? Or do you want visitation?

 

Once you have told her that you so not wish to be in a relationship with her, tell her what you want as far as custody.

 

I wouldn't seek counsel just yet as it is extremely expensive and may not be necessary. Gauge her reaction first.

 

However, if she seeks counsel, you should do the same.

[BellaStranger]

I think I would want to be in the life of the child. That is what makes this so tough. It feels like if I try to be supportive of the child and not "us". She gets the fantasy that I want to be with her. I feel responsible, and I AM responsible but it is just such a tough situation when we both have completely different views.

 

Thanks for the advice so far, it really helps

 

That is fair enough and perfectly possible. You can be in a childs life and provide support without being in a relationship with his mother! The first step is working out exactly what you want and then communicating it to her clearly.

 

You may need to get a lawyer at some stage of she really isn't get it... or tries to use the baby to manipulate you into a relationship but clear communication is the first step!

[generaldiscord]

well, if her mind is made up, there's really nothing you can do to force the issue.

 

Please be a bit sensitive on your way out. This choice is harder on her than it is on you. She will probably end up paying for most of the child's needs and working 24/7 for it, and you yourself admitted that it was a very special circumstance. So break up as soon and as gently as possible, and that's that.

[OptomisticGirl]

We both said we didn't want anything serious before we did anything. I don't know how much she meant that. Also, I barely make 1k a month which is part of the reason I think a kid is a terrible choice at this point in my life. Child support would kill me

 

She very well could have meant it but being pregnant changed the game plane. She could be very against abortion - which is her right - and while she doesn't want anything serious from you, she does want this child. Not to trap you but because it's there and for her she doesn't want to abort so there is no other option. It's okay to sit there and say 'oh, I"ll be there for you during the after effects' but then... were will you be after that if you see no future with her? Abortion is something that takes YEARS to get over.

 

You don't have to have a relationship with her - I'd almost encourage you not to get with her simply because she's pregnant. But if you want to be in this child's life, you're going to have to be on talkative ground with her and be open and honest about how you feel.