SA's Healing Journal

[PJA1982]

Yeah I understand what you're saying but it's not that I get nasty more so dirty on myself. Like you, I won't ignore her, I'll take her call, respond to a text or whatever.... The problem seems to be that maybe I give the wrong vibe or she gets her fix I don't know? Ultimately, I kind of walk away saying to myself 'damn I've been played again.' Its like she gets confirmation that I don't hate her and that I'm still there for her and she disappears and I'm none the wiser. It's not aggression more frustration because I don't see her purpose and so I just 'thank her for reminding me of what I've been missing out on' and move on. Yeah it's a cheap shot, but I don't appreciate what feels like a lack of respect. Leave the brother in peace I say!

 

The booze is my trigger too. It's weird, I can even be slightly off the next day and have a little time and I'm off reminiscing. So, in the last month I cut the booze out and have been training like a militant with the diet to boot. Low carb/high protein SA, its dynamite. Freedom for me is the most satisfying aspect of getting me back! But the downside to loving my freedom is that it makes you selfish as you can do what you want. No compromising, no caring!

 

My career is going really well right now as well but I ask you this since you seem ambitious, how much of an effect has 'the failure' of your relationship had on the ego? Not in the sense that you're egotistical but more so generally. For me, it is by far my greatest challenge. Why? I put my heart and soul into something and it failed. What exacerbates this pain is that in most other aspects of my life my effort has been less but the rewards have been great. I find accepting the success of a relationship rests on another as much as it does you which is challenging mentally.

 

Boredom quite often results in a tendency to fill out our time with our careers as it gives you less time to think. Problem is you end up not taking the time to maybe address some of the more deep seeded lingering issues that float around in the subconscious with respect to the past. For me that has the potential to affect other interpersonal relationships you may have.

 

As for TX, I'm reading it like she is just being a woman. She likes you and she is playing along to the situation with you for the most part. However, whether its hormones or what not, or maybe she is just emotional at some points and gets a little needy. Either way it will equal acting strange when you do long distance. I've done it before myself. In my opinion, women are emotional beings who require personal attention from their man at times. It's natural. Without asking for it, or merely sorting it out without you around will be hard for her to hide her thoughts in her actions. I don't know if that makes sense but I want to finish up the post.

 

It's also worth taking into account that a woman wont always see the career and success of a man as an essential part of their future particularly if they place more value on the intimacy and whatever other crap that women seem to want more of in a relationship than a man does. Where I'm going is that you may not want to ignore the fact that she may be reaching an emotional crossroad because, by your own admission, its career career career. She is asking/doubting herself about where she fits in your picture which leads to questions of whether she is 'wasting her time, with a great career guy who is prepared to let his emotional intimacy take a backseat to his agenda'. Just a thought and feel free to retort. I'm sure you got this one sorted.

[SA2000]

Haha. Of course I have it sorted.

 

I agree with you in a lot of aspects. I remember feeling the same way when I would respond to my ex. As though she would just disappear afterwords. Then one day she comes out and tells me she loves me and is having a lot of difficulty letting me go. Maybe she wasn't just getting her fill and letting go softly. I think she still has as much difficulty, if not more, with where the situation currently lies. Now I view those conversations as her trying her hardest to stay in my life. I respond as to say I know you're still out there and still care. But I'll be damned if I am going to take on that risk again.

 

As far as failure goes, that's the hardest part. It motivated me early on but not so much anymore. Relationships take two and you can't control another person. I keep work and relationships separate in my mind. A failure in a relationship isn't categorized the same as a failure of anything else that I have control over to me. I don't know I'd that makes sense or not but that's the way I think of it. I've broken up with lots of girls. Did I view those as failures? Not at all. I just happened to be on the other side of the coin. Now I'm someones biggest mistake. The one that got away. That's my success.

 

I'll have to try cutting carbs. But I love to eat. Right now I'm lifting 3 days and doing insanity 3 days. Trying something new. If you've got idea for me there I will gladly take them. Working out has been my true savior through this all. The one constant that is guaranteed to make me feel better.

 

As far as TX goes, I know she wants to know where this is headed. She flat out told me that. Although I am career minded, I do make time for her. Maybe doing something nice wouldn't hurt. I'll take that advice. But my feelings are that until we are living within reasonable driving distance this situation should be cautiously approached. I'm preparing for the day where one of us says I can't do the distance anymore. But maybe that's not the right approach. If you're not going to give something your all, why do it, right? I might need to reevaluate that situation. I just have a lot of difficulty hurting people these days. But she might be moving closer soon so we will hold off on that.

 

So what I have learned is that people are erratic. Including myself. My ex told me a few times that she hoped I would "fight" for her after we broke up. I laughed as that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. But my point is that maybe she isn't reaching out to see if she still has you. Maybe it's because she misses you. But from my experience, they don't want you back until you are honestly no longer interested. It's stressful now but at some point you'll just shrug and be indifferent when she reaches out. Crazy how it works.

 

I appreciate the comments. Keep em coming.

[SA2000]

TX seems distant again. She might be just busy with work tho. She took on a new position as a manager. Hmm...

[SA2000]

From the sounds of things TX will be moving, temporarily, to a city that's a whole hell of a lot closer. I'll see her every weekend beginning in June. This puts a whole new aspect on the situation. My first felling was pressure. Then a relief. Then pressure again. I guess I aught to really decide what I want out of this all. It's hard when I am secretly in love with Christina Milian. She may not know I exist tho. But I'm secretly waiting for her to appear in my life. Or maybe her identical non related twin. Anyways, enough joking around. Someone posted earlier that I am purposely not dating available women and that there is something wrong with me or something. She may have been on to something. I guess we will see where this goes.

[SA2000]

So TX might be moving to the closer city permenantly. The perfect storm happened and it's colbasically a done deal if she wants it. I'm not sure how I feel. She says there is no pressure but I know why she's moving. Let's be honest here. I guess it'll be nice to really know what can become of this all but I'm still not 100% sold and I don't know why. I guess I'll figure it out. But I don't want to let life happen to me. I need to make a decision for me.

 

The ex texted me tonight. Just. Said she stole a bunch of pictures I have on a blog. No big deal. She didn't really need to tell me but whatever. I think it was just to check in.

[SA2000]

So TX is moving for sure. She will start at 3 months and if she likes her new job, she will move for good. Still not sure how I feel about this all. I like her, a lot. But we aren't there yet. I don't know if we'll ever be. It's a good career move for her either way tho so I don't feel bad. But I want it to be obvious. With my ex, I looked at her one day and said to myself "yup. I could do this". I haven't felt that way about TX yet. But at the same time, I do care about her. She's not just some chick. Maybe because I got burned last time, I won't allow myself to get there again.

[PJA1982]

I think you spend too much time analyzing the situation with TX. This to me by the sounds of it, is only a reflection of your true feelings, that is, you're not there... You keep saying yet, but to me, with love or whatever, you just can't force the issue. If it's not there, it's not there. Why would you change anything in your life if you are questioning your commitment or your feelings so often? Its never about replacing the ex but I believe that there was something unique there that unfortunately does not come past too often. I personally haven't found anyone in 3 years that has even come close to giving me that feeling that can allow me to find that final piece of closure with respect to my ex. I've met plenty of women, some have been exceptional but I've found something keeping me from committing. It's frustrating. However, I know that it's either that I haven't yet completely moved on from the past or the interest lacks the spark for a long term commitment. Once you've been burnt you scar, you don't want another so your love is guarded. So whatever,it's harder to find but it's important to hold out for the chance that one day she will find you, whoever she may be.

 

An update for me, no contact from the ex but I was in the gym the other day and was talking to a guy who got back with his ex this year after two years apart. Long story short, similarly to you, he played it out as if he was not bothered and had moved on, the result she chased. It has niggled at me the last few days as I was too nice, too open, too easily taken by her words and not her actions. The result, she bails after getting her fix and I'm sitting here annoyed at myself. So it leaves me dwelling on whether I could have done things differently getting a different result. It's not about getting back together but it would have been nice to have had a taste of some committed pursuit. Whether the opportunity comes again has also set me back a touch as you end up justifying some sort of subconscious waiting game which makes you feel like your wasting time like a dreamer would. Anyways, just train harder. I'll get something over to you about my diet next time...

[SA2000]

Cool. Always looking for the workout tips. My ex still contacts me. She knows she doesn't have a leg to stand on though so she doesn't pursue it that tough. Probably a good thing. I get what you're saying about TX. I agree for sure. Might have backed myself into a corner there. But atleast I feel like I could date someone seriously given the right situation. Ah well. Whatever. Life is good outside of that. No reason to dwell on the bad when there is so much good going on.

[SA2000]

What's up ENA. Not a whole lot new to report. TX is moving in about a month. Work is going well and keeps getting better. I'm still pretty bored. Ex pops up once every two weeks to check in. Work chick has been a little more talkative lately. There is another girl at work, a new one, who is very much my type. I know her brother tho and she has a bf so there will never be anything there. But she's cute. I like her. But right now my focus is on TX moving. She senses there is something wrong with me. I think its more omg the lines of me not being super excited she's moving. I'm indifferent. She doesn't like that. She wants me to be as happy and excited as she is. I have to think through this one. Although I tend to over analyze situations I also don't really think about what I really want. I often go with the flow and then end up bored. I don't want that to happen.

[JA0371]

Hey SA!!! Hope you are well..

Why don't you have your own pic in the avatar?? I think you are wayyy cuter than THAT guy!!

[SA2000]

Thanks JA. My profile pic isn't me either. It used to be though. Us mixed guys all look alike. Haha. Maybe I'll switch it back.

 

So update on work. Almost definitely going to get a 25% raise at the end of the year. So far so good. The less I stress about life, the better it seems to get. It's always been that way too. Strange. Anyhow, I hope all is well with everyone else.

[SA2000]

Got pretty sauced last night. Made out with the nurse and then left. Didn't go home with her and them my phone died. She's beautiful but I could never date a girl like her. She's way too all over the place. She doesn't know what she wants in life.

 

TX moves to Chicago in a few weeks. That'll be interesting. I haven't seen her in 2 months so we start to drift. Our communication gets less and less. But when she's close it'll be a different story.

[SA2000]

Uh oh. TX texted me last night while she was drunk. "I love you". I know better than to take that too seriously. She hasn't texted me yet today. Probably because she knows I'll make a joke out of it.

 

I'm gonna go hang out with Mom today.

[SA2000]

I made fun of TX for her text. She blamed it on the booze and told me not to worry. I wasn't really worried anyways. Just thought it was funny.

 

Got a call from the ex today. We chatted about work stuff. She works in the same industry but does something totally different. Her company was in the news do I explained to her why. Strange that she still keeps in touch but whatever.

 

So I realize I am focussing too much energy on this single life. I need something else to focus on outside of work. I think most of the stress I have now is actually just boredom. I need something to work on. Maybe I'll get my business off of the ground this year. Something major and positive needs to happen. Drinking and entertaining random ladies has lost its appeal.

[SA2000]

As good as life has been going I kind of feel as though I am going through the motions again. I have a general year end goal but haven't really done too much in looking. I think making some goals will help me get more focused. I have nothing to really distract me or keep me busy other than work and going out and getting tanked with my friends. TX is on her way but that's a month out. I need a new hobby or something. I've felt this way for some time now. I don't have anything I'm REALLY passionate about. Gotta fix that.

 

But I guess if boredom is my biggest problem, that's a good thing.

[SA2000]

Had a big presentation to do at work and had to meet with my bosses boss. The meeting with my bosses boss went really well. I asked him what I need to do to get my big year end raise. He basically said keep doing what you're doing. Things are going great. So that's good. Then I presented to my boss and my another boss and it went really well. Like really well. The feed back I got was basically that I probably won't be in my role too long given my skill set. The next role for me, which I think is maybe a year out, would have me moving somewhere else. It would also come with a raise that would be triple what I'm making now. That's crazy. Take that, ex girlfriend and highschool teacher who said I'd never live up to my potential because I joke around too much.

[SA2000]

The ex and I texted back and forth for a few hours today. Her family is a mess. Apparently her 17 year old sister is pregnant. She ownes the house she lives in with her mom and sisters. She just kicked everyone out because it was too crazy. Her brother called the police on her sister or something. It's just nuts. I'm glad I'm not in that drama. But I also feel like I was her stability. Now she doesn't have that. I almost feel bad. She jokingly asked if I wanted to move in. I'm glad we are able to speak like adults. She was once my best friend and if be lying if I said I didn't care deeply for her.

[SA2000]

Went out tonight but didn't drink. I feel like something's missing. I'm just not that into it anymore.

[SA2000]

The ex was on my mind a lot this weekend. It seems as though the more I think about her the more down I get. I'm sad it didn't work out after all of the fun we had. We really did get along well. I'm sad for how life turned out for her. Granted its not terrible but I know it's not going totally according to plan. I also feel bad knowing that she is still waiting for me to come back. Like one day I'll wake up and just say "We belong together regardless of what's happened". Maybe it's my stubbornness that won't allow it. But as much as I miss her, I need to keep going. Her popping up once every 2 weeks makes it tough. But it's not like I'm going to ignore her.

[SA2000]

Man. Ex been popping up a lot lately. She texted me something random tonight. I responded as usual. She must be having difficulty with our breakup that was roughly 2 years ago again. Crazy that we still talk from time to time. It's like she senses TXs upcoming move.

[SA2000]

Got another big opportunity at work today. I'll be traveling tomorrow and Friday. It's crazy to look back to where I was a year ago. Life changes for the better if you change it.

[SA2000]

Man. They have been loading my plate at work. TX says I've been distant which is probably true. I always shut down when I stress. I let her know it has a lot to do with work. Her moving to Chicago is pressure also. She said I shouldn't feel any obligation since she is moving close but in all honesty I've been so focused on work I haven't had time to really think about it. The ex and I talked again while I was traveling. She continues to pop up. I don't know of we'll ever really forget eachother. Problem is we won't forgive eachother either. I need to just keep my focus on work. That's something I have control over. The personal side will figure its self out and I don't want to invest any mental capital in it right now. Honestly I'm not overly concerned with it anymore. I don't care if I'm single for a while. More time to get my career in better order.

[SA2000]

One of my good buddies just called me. We used to be roommates an worked together. He's been dating this girl who I was never a huge fan of. He's that buddy that you always want good things for but he just doesn't seem to catch a break. Turns out this girl disappeared for a few days and was staying at a "friends" house. Supposedly they are just friends. Yeah right. So I did what any real friend would. I told him to get the eff out of there. So he will probably be crashing at my house for a few weeks. I live in a small one bedroom. But I've been through hell and high water and landed on my feet thanks to my friends. Time to return the favor.

[SA2000]

My buddy hasn't called meback yet. I hope he didn't get back with the girl he's dating. Shes not a good chick and not what he needs. He needs someone to help him be a better him. He's just bringing him down. I won't tell him that tho.

 

Things are going great for me. Work continues to get better. People keep telling me I'll be moving up quickly. Whih would again be a double in income. That's about a year away. But it'll be a HUGE deal when it happens. I love being the dude where exs go "Damn!" It happens all the time. Usually I break up with them tho. But this last one regrets it big time already. It's only going to get worse! Not that I'm doing it to spite her but it is a good feeling.

 

Other than work I'm pretty bored. TX becomes Chi in like 2 weeks. That will keep me busy for a little while. I've lost a lot o the feelings I had or her though due to not seeing her or so long. I guess we will see if that comes back.

[SA2000]

I am actually starting to get a little excited about TX coming here. I work my ass off all week but pretty much don't do anything on weekends. It'll be nice to hang out with her and explore Chicago for a change. She's a good person too. She keeps me grounded.