Moving to another state to be with SO?

[shuttterbug]

Hello everyone! First time posting here. Background: I am a 26 year old girl dating a 29 year old guy in another state, 5 hours away. We dated about 6 years ago, but he had some personal issues and we broke up and he moved away. We reconnected and ended up starting to date around the end of October. We both realize that for us, the only point of a long distance relationship is if we have a clear idea in mind about being together eventually. He said he would move anywhere and we could experience something new together if I wanted, but he will never live where I live again. Where he lives is beautiful. So we agreed to me moving there. Right now I'm at a point in life where I can continue school somewhere else if need be, my friends are coupling off, and my job is definitely not a career. My goal is to move by the beginning of June. I feel like its soon, but I also feel like I've never had a relationship that ever felt so right. We are happy and it feels like nothing I've ever known which is why I want to take this leap of faith. I do find myself doubting at times *hence me writing on here* if this could be a bad idea, etc etc. I guess I wanted some perspective from people who maybe were experiencing something similar with a LDR. Has anyone been through anything similar? Any insights are appreciated

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Right now I'm at a point in life where I can continue school somewhere else if need be,

So why not choose a school and a location that would benefit you most..start looking at other locations. This guy dumped you once before and has now made it perfectly clear to you that he would never live in your State. So why do you have to move to his State. I have to wonder if push came to shove, if he would really move any other place to be with you. You are sacrificing a lot to be with someone who dumped you once before and who clearly would not move to where you are. It is so easy for him to stay put in his State while you do all the work to relocate and adjust your life to his convenience. I would suggest you finish your school where you are now and see if this relationship will stand the test of time. After you get your degree then you can look for jobs where he is. Don't uproot your life right now while you are still in school.

[DN]

I don't see that you have anything to lose. You have nothing much going on where you are, you can happily live where he is and you are in a relationship with him. Even if he did dump you (and you didn't say it was he that did the dumping) you are together now. I would look to the positive rather than the negative and see if this will work for you.

 

My then girlfriend and I broke up when she returned to her own country. Later we reconnected and later still we moved to her country. We have now been married 36 years so that 'leap of faith' worked for us - it might work for you too. There are always the naysayers but that won't get you very far.

[Snny]

I was once in your situation and I also agree with DN. I was in an LDR for YEARS when I transferred to another college and had only gotten to know my So for a semester! After a few years of being in an LDR, I dumped him and tried dating other people for a year in college. It didn't work out so we got back together after resolving our differences in '09. I moved in with my SO back in August 2010, have been together for 7 years and just got engaged three days ago. It took us a lot of patience to make things happen.

 

I say go for it and move in with him if you are absolutely sure this relationship will work out for you. Make sure you can afford to pay your share of the bills and look at schools in his area.

[shuttterbug]

Thank you for all the replies! Crazy, he did not break up with me. It was a mutual break up the first time around because he was having some personal problems. At that time, I was 20, and young anyway. We are now older and in a much different place in life. To DN, and Sunny, thank you for the encouragement. I have been in relationships for the past few years where I've felt nothing for the other person or it was constant drama or something. I can truthfully say I am completely happy with my boyfriend right now and feel that even if things were to go sour, I could always move home or find another place there. I will be finding a job full time there as well as school so I want to at least be able to have a roommate (if things go downhill). He knows this is a huge sacrifice for me, which is why he told me that we could try to move somewhere else, new completely together. But where he lives is amazing and beautiful, so that would just be silly. I am glad to know that it has worked for other people and that gives me hope that things will be for the best when I go out there!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

So have you ever actually been single? My concern is that you feel the need to be in a relationship and will do anything to have one....in other words, you will stay in relationships even if you don't like the person and there is drama...and now you are ready to pack in your life to move to be with someone in another state. If your relationship with him is strong then it should survive a year or two of finishing up school where you are. Have you budgeted how much it would cost you to move...and then move back again if things don't work out? Can you get the same education at the school near him that you are currently getting...can the credits be transferred or will it take you longer to complete your degree? Are you even sure the school near him will accept you? Just because it has worked for other people doesn't necessarily mean it will work for you. I have seen many many unsuccessful stories of women who packed it all in to run to be with someone they are simply dating and then it all fell apart and they ran back home...at a huge financial, school/work and emotional cost. You are going to spend the next few months trying to revolve your life around him so that you can run down to him...and that will take time and energy away from your studies.

[DN]

Go for the positive OP. There is always risk in relationships but unless you take risks you won't get anywhere. Good luck and I hope you will be very happy.

[penelope13]

Since you have known each other from before, I think you have already done all the 'groundwork' and thus will be at a much better place now to decide if he is the one with whom you want to build your life. Therefore I completely understand (I'm somewhat in a similar situation) that you are thinking about when and how to move together. If you both start from the premis that you equally want to be together regardless of the circumstances (i.e don't move to figure out if this relationship is right for you; move because you know it's the right one), then you can unemotionally decide for whom it will be easier to move. It shouldn't be a question of 'who is sacrificing more to make the relationship work', but what will work best for us as a couple.

 

Moving both just for the sake of making it 'equal in terms of who is investing/ giving up what' would be quite stupid.

 

If you can do your studies as well where he is and he lives in a place you are happy to live in, then take that leap of faith. Good luck with everything!

[Snny]

Honestly though, I can't hold a crystal ball for you and say that LDRs and moving in after being in an LDR will equal success. It's different for everybody. I moved in knowing what I want and was willing to make it work other than living for a shorter commute to work. I wanted to be with him and start sharing a life though I was not engaged at the time because of money issues (we work at dead-end salaries and could not afford a wedding). He was my balance of happiness and I was not happy being in an LDR any longer. After spending the majority of years of being in an LDR, I did not want to be waiting another week to see him. And a few months later... wow I'm engaged! Keep in mind that this does not happen with everybody- I just found the right man.

 

You are going to make sacrifices if you want to maintain a relationship. But before walking into it blindly, you need to have a sit down chat with your SO and figure out how you will split chores and pay bills. It makes living together a lot easier and cuts down on arguing!

 

One thing that does strike me bout this thread is that you want to move in without having a job already set up or are enrolled at a school. Yikes. I strongly recommend that you do NOT move in with him until you have a job already lined up there or living together will be stressful (or how on earth are you going to pay for the bills?). What I did was that I used my SO's address and applied to several schools in his area since I discovered that schools were not hiring teachers living out of state. I finally got hired when a school thought I lived in the local area and THEN I moved down. I made myself be more dependable when I could cover rent and utility and not have my SO be expected to pay for it all.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I guess I view consistency in education and finishing up an education as top priority. Education, in my books, comes first..relationships come and go but your education stays with you forever. Plenty of relationships have survived temporary long distance while the education is completed. To me, education is a real positive, consistency in the university is important..not changing schools simply to follow a boyfriend around.

[Batya33]

I would move there and live in your own place for about the first year and move in together when you are engaged. My background -dated my husband when I was your age, we broke up for 8 years and when we reconnected we were in an LDR most of the time. We each had substantial careers but discussed that eventually I would relocate to be with him. We saw each other about every 11 days and all summer. We moved in together after we got married (our engagement was 6 weeks long).

 

Having your own place will take a lot of the pressure off and let you two date and get to know each other before making the added big change of moving in together. JMHO.

[engraved2008]

What does he think about you moving there ? is he encouraging ? If that...thats a good sign.

[DN]

I guess I view consistency in education and finishing up an education as top priority. Education, in my books, comes first..relationships come and go but your education stays with you forever. Plenty of relationships have survived temporary long distance while the education is completed. To me, education is a real positive, consistency in the university is important..not changing schools simply to follow a boyfriend around.

There is no reason that the OP has given that would suggest she can't finish her education where he is. Sometimes it is a good idea to focus on optimism and positive outcome instead of worrying so much about what might happen if things go wrong. Life and romance always comes with an element of risk.

 

And there are many lonely and bitter people with a good education. It is possible to have both without having to do one first and then the other.

 

I agree with Batya that it mighe be an idea to have your own place but I even that is not a necessaity - it is just another option.

[penelope13]

If they already know that they want to get married, start a family - why not move to be together if there is not a pressing reason to stay a bit longer where you are such as finishing your studies in a short amount of time, not being able to study at the new location etc.

 

I am sure OP will not move before she has organized the transfer to a new school.

 

About the moving together or not: again it depends on how sure they are if they want to get married or not. If they have already decided that is what they want to do, then why not move together right away instead of maintaining two households

[Batya33]

If they already know that they want to get married, start a family - why not move to be together if there is not a pressing reason to stay a bit longer where you are such as finishing your studies in a short amount of time, not being able to study at the new location etc.

 

I am sure OP will not move before she has organized the transfer to a new school.

 

About the moving together or not: again it depends on how sure they are if they want to get married or not. If they have already decided that is what they want to do, then why not move together right away instead of maintaining two households

 

From what I read they are not yet engaged with a wedding date so to me, the desire to get married in the future is far too vague to move in together especially since she is also relocating -far too vulnerable a position to be in. With my scenario she gets to do this in steps.

[penelope13]

Personally I wouldn't move just to be with a guy, if I am not sure that we will definitely get married, thus I would feel comfortable to simply move in with him. Doesn't mean that I would need a ring on my finger to believe his sincerity

[Batya33]

Personally I wouldn't move just to be with a guy, if I am not sure that we will definitely get married, thus I would feel comfortable to simply move in with him. Doesn't mean that I would need a ring on my finger to believe his sincerity

 

Oh to me it's not about sincerity-but about my personal standards. Without a ring and a wedding date it's not an official engagement and no way would I go through the complications of relocating and moving in together based on a sincere "someday I want to marry you". I don't know many women who want to get married who are content with a person's word "I want to marry you someday" as far as telling family, friends, everyone that they're getting married. And I don't blame them one bit -nor do I think it has anything to do with not trusting your partner.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

There is no reason that the OP has given that would suggest she can't finish her education where he is. Sometimes it is a good idea to focus on optimism and positive outcome instead of worrying so much about what might happen if things go wrong. Life and romance always comes with an element of risk.

 

And there are many lonely and bitter people with a good education. It is possible to have both without having to do one first and then the other.

 

I agree with Batya that it mighe be an idea to have your own place but I even that is not a necessaity - it is just another option.

 

There are often sacrifices that need to be made when switching schools regarding transfer of credits. Sometimes certain courses and credits are not recognized by other universities and it will take longer to get the degree. Also, there needs to be an acceptance into the school which is never a guarantee. There are a lot of things to consider when switching schools and it is not just a simple matter. Sometimes you have to play it smart and not just focus on romance. Romance doesn't have to die just because it is long distance while certain personal milestones are being achieved. There is nothing pessimistic about that...optimism about a romance that can indeed survive even though it is long distance.

[penelope13]

Just because LDRs can work doesn't mean you have to force yourself to remain in one just for the sake of proving that you are able to maintain an LDR. I don't think OP said she would move before organizing the school transfer

[DN]

Well, I prefer to think on the positive side - I am aware of too many sad, lonely and bitter people who always look on the negative regarding relationships and it certainly didn't seem to work for them.

 

I wish the OP happiness and hope it will work out well for her. Sometimes it is wise to seize the day.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

And there are many lonely and bitter people with a good education.

I am aware of too many sad, lonely and bitter people who always look on the negative regarding relationships and it certainly didn't seem to work for them.

 

Have anyone in particular in mind?...LOL

 

Just because LDRs can work doesn't mean you have to force yourself to remain in one just for the sake of proving that you are able to maintain an LDR.

 

That totally misses my point..it is not about proving anything..it is about finishing up an education. If the guy is so mobile that he can pick up and move to anywhere she wanted, why couldn't he pick up and move for a couple of years to her state while she finishes her education. Then they can move anywhere they want. She is moving strictly to be with him...twisting herself into a pretzel, doing all the hard work and sacrificing in order to keep the relationship. He stamped his foot and made it clear in no uncertain terms will he move back to that state even though he knows that she is still in school. I am all for romance..but sometimes it is best to finish up a commitment you started rather than leaving it to go chase after something else..especially if that something else can still be around while you are finishing up your first commitment. If it was a guy doing the same thing for a woman I would have the same advice for him...finish school first.

[DN]

Have anyone in particular in mind?...LOL.

More than one person, but there is one in particular who never seems to want people to be happy in a relationship because their own went pear-shaped.

 

And I think you are totally mischaracterising this guy - 'stamping his foot' is an overstatement when even the OP prefers where he is living and thinks it is beautiful. To say she is twisting herself into a pretzel is making her out to be a half-wit - she isn't. She is doing what she wants to do because she wants to. I think you are misrepresenting what the OP is saying in some misguided attempt to spoil what they have.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

More than one person, but there is one in particular who never seems to want people to be happy in a relationship because their own went pear-shaped.

 

And I think you are totally mischaracterising this guy - 'stamping his foot' is an overstatement when even the OP prefers where he is living and thinks it is beautiful. To say she is twisting herself into a pretzel is making her out to be a half-wit - she isn't. She is doing what she wants to do because she wants to. I think you are misrepresenting what the OP is saying in some misguided attempt to spoil what they have.

 

I think we will have to agree to disagree. At any rate she could always move there after she finishes up her degree..the beauty will still be there. I visited the Rockies in 1976 and then in 2003..and the beauty of the mountains was just the same all those years later. I certainly am not spoiling what they have together...if it is wonderful it can remain wonderful while she finishes up what she started. Temporary distance doesn't take away the wonderfulness of a relationship that is true and committed.

[DN]

I think we will have to agree to disagree. At any rate she could always move there after she finishes up her degree..the beauty will still be there. I visited the Rockies in 1976 and then in 2003..and the beauty of the mountains was just the same all those years later. I certainly am not spoiling what they have together...if it is wonderful it can remain wonderful while she finishes up what she started. Temporary distance doesn't take away the wonderfulness of a relationship that is true and committed.

It can if there is no good reason to make it long distance - it looks like undue hesitation and no trust in the partner. He is not asking her to give up her education.

 

I think you are not making allowances for people wanting to be together and are being entirely too dispassionate. Real life isn't like that as far as romance is concerned.

[shuttterbug]

Hi again everyone! Thanks for all the feedback. Regarding the marriage and engagement, I don't need someone to give me a ring to know that I want to commit to them. Up until recently, I never really thought I'd dig the idea of marriage. I'd like children one day (as would he, we've discussed this), but marriage is something I don't really think about in order to solidify a relationship. To the person who said that groundwork has been laid, yes, that is absolutely right. We have known each other for years. Being with him this time around is new and fresh, because we're older and a (little) wiser we have a connection. Now to address all the education and job discussion. Here is a little more info I didn't really think to include in my original message. School is at kind of a standstill for me right now because I'm trying to decide what to do. The education I'm receiving here is something that I could easily go do somewhere else. It's not like I go to an Ivy League school and I'm leaving all these scholarships and opportunities. I'm a good student, but again, its something I could do somewhere else. My job sucks, its just a "job" while i go to school. Again, thats another thing I could easily pick up in another state. My father passed away about a year ago, and I was his only caretaker when he fell ill. I went through the hardest time of my life. I grew to find happiness again, by myself through all those struggles eventually.

 

I grew up in this city, and its getting stale, quite honestly. I don't want to use someone wanting me to relocate as an excuse to uproot and stimulate my life a little, but I mean, there's not too much harm in it if it were the case. I think DM has it right (and its not because its what I want to hear). I do appreciate the practicality of where Crazy is coming from, however, I just think continuing this mediocre existence in a city I have grown tired of when I am being invited to live in a beautiful place, with someone I care about is too good of an opportunity to pass up. Crazy, you make a lot of assumptions and yes I have been single throughout the years. I've been off and on in relationships since I was 18, but hasn't everyone? And does that make my decisions less rational? Oh, and to one poster who mentioned this: no I would most definitely NOT move somewhere without setting up a job first. I'm not moving into his current place, we would find our own place together. My boyfriend is most definitely not forcing this on me, but he wants us to be together. Again, he has mentioned that he would look into other locations for us both to have a fresh start, but where he lives has perfect weather, good people, ocean, culture and its driving distance to my family and friends. I appreciate all the positivity. I appreciate knowing people have faith in these situations and I hope it is the right choice. Sometimes, with love, with relationships you just have to try or you'll never know.