Asks me to be his girlfriend on the third date??!

[alive_inside]

I just came back from what has to be the strangest date I've been on in a long time (and I've had many) Things were going really well with this guy I've been seeing and tonight we went to see a movie and afterwards were talking in my car for a bit. During conversation he suddenly starts to get serious and says he feels blessed to have found me and that he knows it's early-- and at this point my stomach was starting to turn-- but that he doesn't want to see anyone else and wants to know if I would want to be exclusive.

 

I know this has red flags all over it. We've known each other for only a week. I told him honestly that it's too soon to even be considering something like that but reassured him of my feelings...that I really do enjoy spending time with him and that I'm not going anywhere. To which he asked me to forget he ever said it.

 

He's been coming on to me relatively strong, but not overboard. It was just tonight that made me uncomfortable/confused. He's had girlfriends before, is 25 and I feel it's also important to mention he's a recovering alcoholic...

 

Needy? Confused? Ulterior motives?

[arcadefire]

I don't think he has ulterior motives, he's just saying he wants to be exclusive with you, which I don't see as a red flag at all after three dates. If you feel that he is going fast, then you did the right thing by telling him that you need more time but that you are still very interested in him. However, in cases like these, the longer you wait to decide whether you want to be exclusive with him, the less he will be willing to wait to hear you say this (my guess).

[Jd1983]

I wouldn't necessarily say that it's a bad thing. However, if you're not comfortable with things just yet, then do so only when you're ready.

 

One of my ex'es were actually exclusive after our first time of meeting.

 

When the time is right, you'll know.

[Stay_home]

It is a flag, to me, unfortunately. Because he doesn't even know you (only a week). Maybe if it was at least a month or several more dates, but he doesn't know anything about you. So I don't know, because people who just come out so strong like that very early (or at least I've noticed) tend to be impulsive and irrational with their decision making. I wouldn't suggest not talking to him, but take this as perhaps a WARNING that you need to tread carefully.

[savignon]

I don't see it as a big deal. My husband I stopped seeing other people when we met....we didn't have an official chat about it right away but for all intents and purposes were "exclusive". When you meet someone you really like you stop dating other people because you spend your free time/date nights with the one you're really into. I think he was being honest and open which are both good traits. He may have also been a little hasty or off-putting in that moment too but nobody is perfect for sure and you have to weigh the good and the bad as you evaluate whether or not to keep seeing him. There are tons of people you could meet and find that its like pulling teeth to get them to talk about their feelings. This guy might tend to err on the side of saying too much too soon. Depends on what you're looking for and how he makes you feel overall.

[BriarRose]

Most men know pretty fast. Your situation is the norm, not the exception. Go for it.....

[TakingtheBlame]

I sometimes think it's sad that people seem so threatened by the concept of being exclusive early in a relationship. I don't think asking to be exclusive is on the same level as proposing marriage, for instance...I see it as basically telling the person one is seeing "Let's give this a fair chance and really focus on one another for a little while, rather than dividing our attention between multiple people, and if things don't feel right between us in a few weeks we can wish each other luck and move on." Personally, if I had just met a guy and thought he seemed really cool within three dates, I'd have no problem agreeing not to date other people for a month or two (or more or less depending on how things went.) I've always found the concept of dating multiple people distracting anyway, and I feel like a lot of people do that as a kind of insurance against a broken heart rather than because they actually enjoy it...and it's always just come accross as exhausting and unfair to me.

[Batya33]

I'm all for not closing off other options until I knew the person well -not just three dates' worth - but I really respect a person who decides to focus on one person at a time -and yes it's not a proposal. But here's the flag I see- my sense is his tone and words were far too intense/serious for this early on and it made you wonder whether he wanted you or just anyone who fit the bill/was right on paper. The recovering alcoholic part is a factor in my opinion. It's one thing to say "hey, I'm having a great time with you-how about we decide to just focus on each other and see where things go" as opposed to the over the top approach.

[alive_inside]

On the way home I was telling him that I only ever date one person at a time, that it's just not in my nature to have multiple people in "rotation"... how it's almost innate for me to always just focus on one, especially if I feel a strong connection

 

He agreed he is the same way, and I thought it was implied through that conversation that we only wanted to see each other. He already knew that I only want to/am dating him, so for him to ask that...and phrase it the way he did...to me, seemed unnecessary and that's why I'm wondering if it was genuine. I'm leaning towards yes, which isn't a BAD thing, it just confuses me how it could be so early on.

[BriarRose]

I agree! I don't understand the "red flags" just because someone likes someone enough after a few dates that they decided they just want to focus on that person for the time being. It's not a life-long commitment, they are saying "hey, I really like what I see so far and want to see where it might go". Most couples I know became exclusive after a few dates. I find this the norm, not the exception.

[IsThisIt]

Needy maybe... sounds like he's just bad at the whole dating thing. If you like him, cut him a break. If it makes you uncomfortable, then you've gotta muck.

[IsThisIt]

It is a flag, to me, unfortunately. Because he doesn't even know you (only a week). Maybe if it was at least a month or several more dates, but he doesn't know anything about you. So I don't know, because people who just come out so strong like that very early (or at least I've noticed) tend to be impulsive and irrational with their decision making. I wouldn't suggest not talking to him, but take this as perhaps a WARNING that you need to tread carefully.

 

Yeah this is a fair point. But I dunno, I think most people have had an experience at some point where they know after 3 dates that they *really* like someone. The more experienced people in that position know not to come on too strong, while the dating novices don't. So it is a red flag, but not necessarily a deal breaker if you like him a lot. The formal/explicit aspect notwithstanding, do you want to date other people right now? In other words, is this already de facto exclusive?

[Celadon]

Possible neediness. Hard to tell when things move really fast if the person is seeing YOU for you, or if they're just lonely and anxious (emphasis on the anxious). I'd guess that anyone who is *that* lonely would have serial gfs, though.

 

I think you did the right thing in stating where you're at. Personally, I find the idea of exclusivity a bit more serious than others. To me there's a sense of heading somewhere ("Locked in" would be my gut reaction), rather than a temporary oasis in which we put on hold dating others. Guess I'd need to define it with the guy before saying yes.

[Belle]

On the way home I was telling him that I only ever date one person at a time, that it's just not in my nature to have multiple people in "rotation"... how it's almost innate for me to always just focus on one, especially if I feel a strong connection

 

He agreed he is the same way, and I thought it was implied through that conversation that we only wanted to see each other. He already knew that I only want to/am dating him, so for him to ask that...and phrase it the way he did...to me, seemed unnecessary and that's why I'm wondering if it was genuine. I'm leaning towards yes, which isn't a BAD thing, it just confuses me how it could be so early on.

 

Well you were there in the conversation so perhaps there are unwritten things that I can't see.

 

However, I think you're overanalyzing this thing from what you've said. If you had an implicit understanding, he probably just wanted to get it out in the open to make sure you were on the same page. That's called communicating so as to avoid misunderstanding. If a guy really likes you, he may not want to waste his time on others that can offer a distraction. It doesn't imply a forever commitment. Just that you're focused on getting to know each other.

 

I don't see this as a red flag at all unless he's coming on too strong, which it sounds like he's not. Showing high interest level is not the same as coming on too strong. If you waffle too much with someone with whom you share mutual interest, he's going to lose interest and move on.

[Lonewing]

On the way home I was telling him that I only ever date one person at a time, that it's just not in my nature to have multiple people in "rotation"... how it's almost innate for me to always just focus on one, especially if I feel a strong connection

 

He agreed he is the same way, and I thought it was implied through that conversation that we only wanted to see each other. He already knew that I only want to/am dating him, so for him to ask that...and phrase it the way he did...to me, seemed unnecessary and that's why I'm wondering if it was genuine. I'm leaning towards yes, which isn't a BAD thing, it just confuses me how it could be so early on.

 

But you've had Three dates? Mind you, our grandparents were practially married after the fourth or fifth!! Yes, this is a new era now, but the human being is the same!! It doesn't take that long for a man to make up his mind on these matters!

 

There's a newer source on my shelf though, "Curse of the Singles Table." Her final relationship [the one she was looking for] both of them were pretty well exclusive by the third date. In short, if things feel good at that point, what more do you need to learn about them to make the exclusivity plunge? And anything more that you want to learn, are things you only leran once inside those walls anyways. We aren't going to start lowering our defenses until we know we can trust you - and you the same. But we're not married, which means you still have time to get out.

 

The lack of commitment, or the fear of commitment, though, is one of the scariest horrors I have to toelrate int his new era. It personally disgusts me. I understand that people have been burned and hurt, but to then give up on humanity and shut off the Christmas Spirit [yes, I called it that, because that is how love is best described!] and become self focused, well, we all deserve the cells we lock ourselves into.

 

If you're looking for a best friend or puppy love or a boy who just hangs out with you and has fun...well, You shouldn't be dating!!

[metrogirl]

When I started dating my ex, I knew after the first date that I wanted to date him and only him and he felt the same way. He made it clear on the 3rd date and we had only known each other a little over a week. LOL

 

Sometimes you just know.

[Stay_home]

Not trying to be negative here, but three dates is really no time at all to want to become an exclusive pair. You barely know each other.

[lady00]

I'm a little surprised you went on three dates in the first week of knowing this person but I guess I usually envision dating starting off slowly (e.g. one date a week for the first few weeks). I don't know, to me it sounds like there is a rush that I'm not sure there is a need for. I guess I just don't see why things can't progress more slowly and you can spend more time getting to know each other. I do recognize that for some people there is a difference between exclusive and bf/gf so perhaps being exclusive is something that happens really early on, even before the bf/gf label is added.

[Lonewing]

Not trying to be negative here, but three dates is really no time at all to want to become an exclusive pair. You barely know each other.

 

And people say the same thing about getting married after a year, or two years, or five years. The fear of making decisions of commitments or making decisions which migh thave to later be undone is quite frankly depressing.

 

The truth is, no matter how long you're with somebody, you never truly know them. They may still up and surprise you later. Heck, I know my ex sister in law surprised us all when she murdered my brother. But my brother never would have gotten anywhere if he hadn't taken that chance and committed to her - his growth, as a person, in his personal and professional life, through her and her kids, was exponential.

 

Burying your head in the sand is indeed ridiculous, but then living under rocks sucks too. Keep your head up, and I hope all goes well.

[Celadon]

I do recognize that for some people there is a difference between exclusive and bf/gf so perhaps being exclusive is something that happens really early on, even before the bf/gf label is added.

So ... definition time. If you're exclusive with someone, do you have to "break up"? Or do you simply say, "I think it's best we date other people"?

 

The reason I wouldn't become exclusive early on is largely because I hate the pain of breaking up. OTOH, I've dated men before, without any discussion of exclusivity, and when I've felt that there was no future, I called it off. But I was taking things slowly with them and not getting physically involved.

[Lonewing]

Breakups are a part of getting together - even after three dates, he'll go through breakup paigns - so too will a dumpee girl, I'd think.

 

This "exclusivity" isn't like a green flag to having sex or moving in together...it's just a "yes, we're only seeing the other right now" agreement.

[alive_inside]

The formal/explicit aspect notwithstanding, do you want to date other people right now? In other words, is this already de facto exclusive?

 

Well, I flat out told him I don't want to date other people so he knew. It was more the word "girlfriend" that bothered me than anything.

 

Bottom line, I like him but I do feel as though he's rushing things. I also think I could have reacted differently- I was a little taken back and I'm sure it showed.

[alive_inside]

I'm a little surprised you went on three dates in the first week of knowing this person but I guess I usually envision dating starting off slowly (e.g. one date a week for the first few weeks). I don't know, to me it sounds like there is a rush that I'm not sure there is a need for. I guess I just don't see why things can't progress more slowly and you can spend more time getting to know each other. I do recognize that for some people there is a difference between exclusive and bf/gf so perhaps being exclusive is something that happens really early on, even before the bf/gf label is added.

 

Yeah, for me there definitely is a difference between girlfriend and exclusive. Coupled with the fact that it's only been a week, it just really didn't sit well with me. Now I'm not so sure where we stand. We've texted a bit today, which was initiated by him, but he didn't answer the last text I sent earlier in the evening.

 

Even though I was put off by what happened last night, I still want to see him and ironically enough, now I find myself growing a bit more attached after the whole ordeal. It could also be because I've been snowed in most of the day with little distractions.

 

So we have had these plans to see a concert tomorrow night and I'm hoping he'll follow through...

[ut804]

Yeah, for me there definitely is a difference between girlfriend and exclusive. Coupled with the fact that it's only been a week, it just really didn't sit well with me. Now I'm not so sure where we stand. We've texted a bit today, which was initiated by him, but he didn't answer the last text I sent earlier in the evening.

 

Even though I was put off by what happened last night, I still want to see him and ironically enough, now I find myself growing a bit more attached after the whole ordeal. It could also be because I've been snowed in most of the day with little distractions.

 

So we have had these plans to see a concert tomorrow night and I'm hoping he'll follow through...

 

that's interesting, yeah it sounds like "girlfriend" is official and in a relationship, whereas "exclusive" means just seeing one another? Though I think many people assume the terms mean the same?

 

If he means "girlfriend," I think that is too soon. For me personally, I date a guy for about a month and want to talk in between dates, then I feel I'm ready. But only a week doesn't give a lot of time to get to know one another, so that would be too soon for me.

[alive_inside]

Exactly. It's not that I don't want to keep seeing him, it just seemed like it was being too rushed. I won't be able to see him tonight because of the crazy amount of snow we got here. I already find myself worrying about keeping him around, if he's found someone else, etc.