How to get my girlfriend back?

[Dominick]

There's this girl that I've been seeing for about a year now.This is the first girlfriend that I've ever had. I started dating her when I was 28, I'm 29 now. I met her at work and we naturally realized that we had feeling for each other and eventually we started dating. During this time it has been an on/off kind of relationship. The on/off part of the relationship comes from me feeling that, since this is the only girlfriend I've had, I think I need to have other relationships and I have told her this. Every time though there is something about her that brings us back together and I never pursue the other relationships. A month ago we had a similar break up, but this time I told her I found someone I want to pursue. This completely broke her heart, this time she moved on with her life, and starting to forget about me.

During this last month though, I've been doing a lot of thinking and have come to the realization, that it doesn't matter that I haven't had any other relationships. The fact that the way we met and how we naturally just happened, means something, It's special. And when we are together she is the only one I see... On Friday Nov. 12 I contacted her after a month had went by. We met up that night, talk a bit and she ended up spending the night at my place. She has met up with me a couple times since then and calls me on the phone and sends text. Last night we had a long talk, and I told her how I feel about her, that I love her and that she's the only one I want and that I don't care about anyone else, but now she's scared and doesn't want to be hurt by me breaking up with her again. I don't blame her. She says she has to think it over. So my question is, how do I show here that she's all I want? And should I be talking to her while she is trying to decide if she wants to be with me? And if I should be still talking to her, how much? I'm worried I will scare her away if I come accross as too needy, or don't give her enough space.... Sorry for the long letter. I look forward to your advice.

 

Thanks,

 

Dominick

[CRCfem]

You need to think hard whether you really need and want her, and if you won't be tempted by 'the glass is greener on the other side' and take her for granted once you see that you can have her again. Once (if) you decide you really want and need her, then start a full on campaign to 'get her'. My bf never had a gf before, and sometimes I wish he did, just so he can have some experience and compare the good and bads in our relationship. I have this advantage, as I left behind two unsuccessful relationships. I wish I never had to go through those experiences, though, and I feel that had I met him at a younger age, I would have stayed with him, as he has everything I need and more. At the end of the day, people thathad mre relationsips are able to keep precious and put more value in the good they have in their present relationship. But that is an 'advatage' that is not that necessary. Past experiences helped me to reinforce that I needed certain things ( always the same), that some partners could not give. You therefore have to be clear within yourself about what you need. Is is fear of loeliness? Habit? Is she inspiring enough for you? Can you honestly say for yourself that she does fulfill your criteria?

My bf frustrates me to no end with his naivety sometimes (e.g. he sees some disagreements as definite signs for failure, and worries a lot, whereas I have the perspective to see that these disagreements are not more than they are, they are pretty innocent, compared to the huge clash of values I had inthe past).

 

Make sure that if you want her, and get her, you will not use her as a springboard for highlighting how green the grass would be on the other side....

[Dominick]

@ CRCfem, "My bf frustrates me to no end with his naivety sometimes (e.g. he sees some disagreements as definite signs for failure, and worries a lot". I thing this is part of my problem. I would get worried and think it was a failure, and to protect myself, part of me feels I woud use I need to try other relationships out as an excuse, but in this last week of thinking I've realized this. I do know that I don't care about anyone else and she is all that matters. And I think it is stupid to give up something so great, just to try other relationships. She was in a ten year unhappy relationship and was engaged when she met me. She realized she was unhappy and broke it off and moved back to her parents house to be with me. When I take into concideration, what she did for me, I know without a shadow of a doubt she is the one for me!

[CRCfem]

Then it's time to do some start jumps and bend you back backwards to convince her of this !

[Dominick]

How much should I be talking to her though? Should I be letting her call me and then I respond to her or what? I don't want to scare her away by being too needy.... Or is that even an issue and I'm just worrying too much?..

[collegegirl21]

"She was in a ten year unhappy relationship and was engaged when she met me. She realized she was unhappy and broke it off and moved back to her parents house to be with me. When I take into concideration, what she did for me, I know without a shadow of a doubt she is the one for me!"

 

its almost as your probably making her unhappy again with all this confusion as her ex probably did! how confuse someone so much! you are hurting her with your confusion especially you knowing that she was unhappy in her last relationship, she should be trying to feel happy with you but all that confusing gotta hurt. i say you give her time to think about it but not too much time. but don't appear needy and push her away!

[Dominick]

How much time do you think would be good? A week? Does giving her time mean I don't contact her and wait for her to contact me? Sorry If im making this too complicated... I just want to do this right and not mess it up. I want more than anything to make it work and make her happy!

[Dominick]

I guess also when I do see her, should I be showing her affection?... Or should I wait until she lets me know what she wants to do?...

[CRCfem]

I think a hands-off approach would justmake her more reluctant, like you did not care. Since the dynamics of the relationship have been initiated by you (getting together, telling her you want her to go), I think it's your place to take the next step. If you play neutral and only let her know thatyou;re there if she needs you, I don;t think that would be enough for her to overlook what you did in the past. You need to counter-argue your leaving her with somethig equally as strong: just let her know bluntly what you want and why, and insist,but with delicacy, listen to her clues, as she will react probably negatively at first. How can you erase from her mind the 'yeah, he said that before, yeah, he will decide to move on again, yeah, he doesnt know whathe wants, yeah, im not too important for him, yeah, he had the power and ability to hurt me and only consider his needs' ?

[Dominick]

Thanks CRCfem, that makes sense.

[Dominick]

Please, any advice helps. And is much appreciated!

[charity]

hi. i actually think that being a bit needy is a good thing in this situation. you need to show that you want her, love her, care for her. no doubt she must feel very insecure about your feelings for her(i even am) so if i was you, i would not be acting cool and giving her space. i would be trying to show her how SURE she can be about your commitment to her.

 

CAN I ASK, WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE OTHER GIRL YOU WANTED TO PURSUE?

[Dominick]

I did pursue her. I realized that Linsay is the one I love and thought I would be stupid to risk losing her for good for another who might not be half as good as Linsay. the way Linsay and I just happened and what we share, I realized is too precious to lose. But since I didn't pursue another relationship, she's scared I'm going to say again I want to meet other people. But I don't. I only care about her. And want to convince her of this. I guess the real question then, is how?

[charity]

be consistant in telephone calls, e mails etc, perhaps make suggestions for some event in the future, like a few months away so that she realizes you are thinking ahead.

[Dominick]

thanks charity! I appreciate your advice!

[CRCfem]

be consistant in telephone calls, e mails etc, perhaps make suggestions for some event in the future, like a few months away so that she realizes you are thinking ahead.

 

I agree, just shower her with attention, keep it steady, but also, listen to her, see if she "gets" your message, and don't alienate her with OTT insistence in the moments when she requires a bit of space to think it over. For example, in te situation thy she tells you ok, she heard you, now give her some space, do not insist on anything within the next minutes, hours. She has to see you're not desperate and clingy, but dead-on determined and calm to prove yourself to her

[prinzestroy]

hm..my ex is just like you. we would break up all the time and i knew it was because he was inexperienced and wondered what else was out there-though i knew he adored me. still...it left me feeling utterly confused, unwanted, unloved, drained, and a little angry. he still tries meekly to maintian contact, but i coldly ignore him now. so, i can give you advice from a female perspective...what she may be looking for...

 

it's fairly simple: all you have to do is be utterly honest. arrange a meeting, look her directly in the eye and tell her that you know why you broke up with her, but it was a mistake. explain you've done so much soul searching you were willing to go this forum for advice. lol showing her this thread would seal the deal no questions asked. if you can't arrange a meeting, a heartfelt email/voicemail would gain you the points you need to do so.

 

now, if you're just afraid of losing her, but are actually not ready for a commitment: do your best to maintain a flimsy contact with her. get out of your system whatever it is you need to get out, but don't let her think you've forgotten her (because as it stands she may think you're well on the road to doing just that, and you DON"T want that...it will only motivate her to forget you). do little things occassionally like rememeber her birthday, maybe call shortly after a major holiday or send a short message...things like that to ensure you don't fall from memory completely.

 

i haven't read this entire thread, so i may be missing something, but from what i did read...

 

it's up to you to decide what you want. i'd say you're not sure, but youd don't want to lose her. just be kind to her while you figure it out.

[Dominick]

Thanks prinzestroy. I like where mentioned telling her about this forum. You really think it would touch her heart that much? Also, I'm more sure than I've ever been that I want her and last night we had a talk, where I told her I want only her, but she said she has to think about it.

[prinzestroy]

it's understandable that she has to think about it because she want's to guard herself against getting hurt again.

 

i think that showing her you understand you've hurt her and giving her some space while she sorts out her own emotions is not only you're only real option (when you think about it) it will also show you're willing to be patient.

 

she probably does want to go back to you. she was willing to hear you out which is a very good sign, but she knows the circumstances that caused the break have not really changed so they are very likely to surface again. give her some time...y'know?

 

ha but yea, i do think that if after some time if she didn't come around showing her this thread would melt her heart.

[Dominick]

Just to clarify on comment #13 that I made, I accidently said in the first sentance, " I did pursue her." What I meant to say was, I didn't pursue her. I realized Linsay was far more important. Just thought I would clarify!...

[30yrold]

Dude, FLOWERS! Trust me

[SuperDave71]

Dominick,

 

 

Good afternoon. I read your thread and I have a different approach than others. I want you to understand that there is no guarantee in getting her back BUT ..there is a HUGE guarantee in pushing her away. Confidence is key here. Gift giving is not suggested in my book. My reasoning is though it may be a sweet gesture in YOUR book, its what SHE thinks that matters. The best thing you can do is be yourself. Don't be a gusher. What is a gusher you ask? It's when you tell someone how you feel BEFORE THEY ARE READY to hear it. (i.e. I have missed you so much and you were all I could think about) Play it safe. Take things slow. Women love confidence and do it with a sense of humor. To make someone smile could be the very thing that lights that spark that potentially lies just beneath the surface.

 

 

Time is on your side despite what your circumstances may seem. Go with what you know and NEVER, EVER try to assume what she is thinking, feeling or wanting. BE YOURSELF. Do what you can not to mis-read possible signals. It only takes once to make ONE major mistake that you could possibly regret in the long run. I want you to understand the more you can create pleasant moments with her WITHOUT UNECESSARY PRESSURE plants a seed. Trust is a HUGE ally in my book. The more you smile, laugh and create positive moments with her, the better but do this naturally. The more you try and push to see her, the more you pressure even though it may NOT be your heart's intent.

 

Put things in her court. If you have a simple phone converstion, smile when you speak with her. Maybe you could end the converstation a bit earlier than normal. Realize that she may want you back but isn't sure if this isn't in her best interest. No one like a pest or someone that sends gifts "just because" when they are not even dating.

 

 

 

Think with your head and NOT your heart. Take your time and put yourself in HER shoes before you make hastey decisions. Ask yourself "What positive thing could happen if I .

 

 

To love someone is to be honest, open and true mostly to yourself and your feelings.

 

 

 

You can do this if you just slow down, take your time and enjoy. Take a deep breath and relax.

 

 

 

 

 

Good luck,

 

 

 

SuperDave71

[Dominick]

The thing I find hard, is waiting to hear what she chooses to do... its so stressful. And I keeping thinking of things I want to say to try and explain my actions. It's unbearable... the waiting....

[Ms Darcy]

Waiting is all you can do.

[SuperDave71]

Logic says that you can't make someone love you....but you sure can assist in helping them NOT love you. (mistakes)

 

 

You have 100% control over you and you only.

 

 

-SuperDave71