The Full Story

[SapphireNoir10]

I met my ex boyfriend around about a year ago. When we first met he was very full on into me, being sweet, romantic, pushing us into getting into an exclusive relationship. He seemed the perfect gentleman. However an early thing was that he told me he wasnt 'fussed or interested' in sex or sex acts. And we never had a sex life to speak of. (once a week, maybe twice, or less)

 

At the three month mark he proposed. It all went down hill from there. He became more stressed, less affectionate and less nice in general. I felt like cos he 'had me' He didnt want to make effort anymore. We used to argue because I'd get upset that he didnt seem fussed anymore about me. Then he said I made him feel not good enough. I was never unkind. But he went form very affectionate and warm to cold and uninteresed so quickly it was shocking.

 

Every nice thing I did for him he usually complained about anyway.

 

We always had a turbulent relationship, where he'd been insensetive or horrible. I'd get upset and then he'd have a go at me for being insensetive. Or pretend he'd never said it and try and make me feel crazy.

 

As far as he was concerned it was always me being oversensitive or reading into things too much. However I believe I was laid back. I was non clingy (one of his complaints was that I wasnt clingy enough) at the start. I always encouraged him to go out and have fun with his friends, with or without me, I was sweet/romantic, kind, loyal, loving Very supportive of him when he was doing his degree which he later failed. Which I NEVER ever was negative about. I used to buy him little gifts, reassure him.

 

Sure I wasnt perfect. Then we moved miles away from everyone for work, moved in together. He genuinley couldnt cope with the stress of his work. he became moody, withdrawn, stressed out. Taking it out on me ALL The time. I began to feel not good enough. I should be 'more adventurous' know more about 'this and that' do less of 'that' why did i do 'this and that' Everything I did was wrong. If I was quiet, I was moody, If i was happy, I was too over the top. I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He felt like relationships should be 'no work'

 

He was constantly on my case about everything, deliberatley winding me up to the point of crying. Then he'd have a spliff and everything would be 'fine'

 

He broke up with me maybe six times in that last four months, three times in the last two weeks. Claiming that we werent working, we werent happy etc. Normally out of the blue. Everytime I packed my bags to go, he begged me to stay. I was SO confused.

 

Eventually it came to a head, last monday, we had an argument where he was picking on me all night over stupid little things so I voiced that it wasnt ok to talk to someone like that. He went off on one and ended it with me telling me I couldnt hold down a job, I made him fail his degree, I was clingy, demanding, and I only made him happy 95% of the time. I should like cleaning and cooking more. I should be less of this and more of that. He ripped me apart.

 

So I packed up all my stuff and I've come home. I havent heard from him since. He emailed my mum saying he misses me but hes glad im away from his 'mistakes'

 

He also proceeded to add his ex girlfriend on facebook five seconds after we split, one he'd tried to get back with just before we go together.

 

Im sat here trying not to blame myself. I just thought no one here knows the full story. Well there it is. So what do you think?

[professorplum]

There is of course another side to this story [his] but as I have no reason to doubt your version of events, it sounds like you are well out of this. That is not going to reduce the hurt and the fact that you are blaming yourself is a concern. What strikes me is how quickly things can change and I was conscious of that in my own relationship. The comment about his ex girlfriend is telling but it was probably a way of getting back at you. It does not sound as if you could have done any more and you appear as if you have been incredibly patient.

It is possible that he will try and get back with you and I wonder how you feel about that? No doubt you have re-read your thread and I wonder putting it down in black and white how you feel about your part in it etc. From the outside it sounds painful towards the end and he appears very manipulative.

[SapphireNoir10]

I know from his side he probably didnt get that I didnt thinkt he same as him, he didnt understand my perspective and he could never be wrong. He didnt understand why I didnt think like him. Which frustrated him no end.

 

It was painful towards the end. Very.

[ForumGuy]

I know from reading your other thread yesterday that you miss him even though you don't know why. Breaking up that many times in such a short time ensures that it will keep happening if you were to reconcile. I think you should keep ties with him cut, even if he tries to contact you, while you are deciding if you really want to be with him again. He was abusive to you. What has worked for me is being completely indifferent about anything the ex says or does...showing no reaction to anything she has done. Of course it took awhile to get there. This guy was mentally abusive to you and your life will get better if you give it a chance rather than go back. Look up cerebral narcissism...he sounds like he has some of these traits with the sexual trait and "never being wrong"...etc

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like a classic emotional abuser. They tend to come on strong at the very beginning and then one they have you hooked they start with the mind games, blaming the other person for all their failures, insults and then saying the other person is too sensitive etc. You are well out of that relationship. He is not a very emotionally healthy person and he will repeat the same crazy-making behaviour no matter who he is with.

[professorplum]

This is going to take time to recover from and to be honest you are the innocent and wronged party here. I would be interested to hear his own thoughts on why you left and what went wrong. It is all very well not thinking in the same way but there has to be give and take and sharing. I have had one session with a counsellor and she commented to me how painful my relationship appeared from the outside and she commented that it probably had bordered on emotional abuse. If she feels that is a valid description for me then I feel it can equally be applied to your situation. Try not to blame yourself because I think many people would have walked much sooner.

[SapphireNoir10]

I wont go back. I couldnt. I dont trust him. Early on in our relationship he was on his myspace, I had a look and he had loads of messages to girls, I was like 'err what' and he said have a look you can trust me. But when I clicked on the 'trash' folder he snatched it back, meaning there were deleted messages in there he didnt want me to see. Then he creeped downstairsi n the middle of the night to delete these messages, then lied to me saying they never existed.

[CatsMeeoow]

Sounds like you made the best choice... it looks like you were trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.

 

Moving out and moving on is painful but sometimes you need to realize that things just don't work no matter what you do. I certainly wouldn't want to be with someone who broke it off 6 times in 4 months... way too much drama. That's not love... that's not a relationship...

 

Hugs!!!! You did the right thing - now remain strong.

[SapphireNoir10]

If he was to tell his side I believe he would say that I was 'never happy' Even though I was, he had this thing of accusing me of never being happy, then hating himself for it. But even if i was happy. It wasnt enough.

 

He told a mutual friend he wanted to 'end the cycle' (a cycle he created and could have ended if he'd stopped dumping me) and give me a 'way out, cos i'd be happier without him' It all sounds like excuses to me.

 

I wasnt allowed to bring up and issues without him going crazy saying I made him feel not good enough. I wasnt allowed to communicate.

 

I think he hates himself. hes in a strange place with no friends, no family, now moving to a tiny flat, where he knows no one, in the middle of a town centre which is notorious for being horrible and rough. I feel like he blamed me for everything spiralling out of control. But now Im gone he can only blame himself.

[SapphireNoir10]

He has been in seven long term relationships non lasting longer than a year since he was 20, hes 28. Thats like one a year. Most of them left him, but he told me he broke up with one cos 'she was too nice'

 

He also said with his last ex he 'pretended' to care about her for a long time. And he actually hated every second spent with her, but felt too bad to break it off. He constantly was horrible about her and told me how he forced himself to have sex with her.

[CatsMeeoow]

He has been in seven long term relationships non lasting longer than a year since he was 20, hes 28. Thats like one a year. Most of them left him, but he told me he broke up with one cos 'she was too nice'

 

He also said with his last ex he 'pretended' to care about her for a long time. And he actually hated every second spent with her, but felt too bad to break it off. He constantly was horrible about her and told me how he forced himself to have sex with her.

 

So that should be your biggest clue of all that you didn't pick a real winner here!!! Really??? Sometimes us women when we have to hear about a guys prior ex we want to make sure they were terrible... in and at everything... so we feel good and secure. But, you know what??? I would like my bf to show respect about the women he has dated in the past... you know it shows character... then I know he will be respectful of me as well. Sure we all meet those psychos on occasion but seriously if he has bashed the last several girls he has been with... guess what... he will do the same to you.

 

This guy will continue to go through life as a serial dater unless he wises up.

 

You fortunately now have several clues that moving out and moving on is the thing to do!!!!

[ForumGuy]

Really an unhappy person. Sounds like he was accusing you of his own shortcomings...at the very least, trying to drag you down into his swamp. It also sounds like he realizes how he is to some extent and can't help himself. It is not your problem unless you want it to be.

[SapphireNoir10]

I feel like I was the only thing he felt he had control over and he was pushing and pushing. I feel like hes probably suprised I left.

[SapphireNoir10]

He also used to say I was his 'dream girl' I wonder if he believed that at first, but when I couldnt be perfect, he began to resent me. If I think back to every 'happy memory' I remember it being ruined by him getting grumpy, moody, like we'd go out and he'd be in a 'strop' for no reason or he'd get annoyed at something. he was very moody.

 

He also said I was the first girl he really cared about, which did worry me after all his exes, how could they all mean nothing?

[SapphireNoir10]

Even though I know all this. It still hurts that in essence he got rid of me in the end. I have horrible dreams. And wake up feeling empty. Cant eat, eugh.

 

I dont know why I miss him.

[CatsMeeoow]

You spend a great deal of time and invested a large portion of yourself into this relationship and him. It's normal to miss it and to feel empty without it... what are you pouring yourself into at the moment? Its ok to miss him. We often love people despite of and because of their flaws but you are being a very strong and wise person to know that you expect and need more from a relationship than what this was providing.

 

Miss it... mourn it... and when you are ready you will bury it... you'll realize that its important that your needs be met too and then a little wiser and a whole lot stronger you'll move on to the next chapter.

 

Hugs!

[SapphireNoir10]

Thank you that does help.

 

I just have so much stuff in my head which proves he wasnt a nice person. But I guess I miss cuddling up in bed and stuff like that, and I had built a life with him there.

[SapphireNoir10]

I half posted this because I started blaming myself, thought if you all had the full story you'd realise it was my fault as well. Eugh.

[WockaWocka]

It sounds more like a hostage situation than a relationship to me. His self-hatred and self-obsession were projected onto you and yet he wouldn't let you (easily) leave him because he was terrified of being alone and turning his anger inward all over again. I think you nailed it on the head when you said he hates himself.

 

I'm so glad you got out. These kind of emotionally abusive relationships often start off strong but then cannibalize the self-esteem of the person who is on the receiving end of the hostility and withdrawal. His distain of all his ex-gfs is a big tip-off here.

 

I think it's natural to have a kind of Stockholm Syndrome even after the relationship has ended where you wonder what you did wrong or even if you were wrong. I invite you to take a few steps back and look at his overall pattern of manipulative behavior. You got so used to the negative attention that maybe you almost kind of miss it. Don't fall into that trap! You deserve so much better.

 

All of the above being said, it takes two to tango and I think ultimately you'll have to figure out why you were willing to go along with this relationship for so long (low self-esteem? fear of being alone?). This is not to blame you for his erratic behavior but to help you work through what happened and to help you prevent being in this kind of situation again. A skilled counselor could be an excellent ally in your recovery process, or at the very least some books on emotional abuse, narcissism, and codependency.

 

Good luck.

[CatsMeeoow]

oops duplicate

[SapphireNoir10]

I went along with it because I have a 'rescue complex' I knew he hated himself he said sometimes he felt like he didnt deserve to be in the world, and didnt know what his palce was. I felt bad for him, I felt like I was all he had and I wanted to help him.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Well, it's apparent that you are better off without him. I think you made a mistake in this scenario at the beginning by accepting his proposal. 3 months in is way too early to decide to marry someone. Maybe if you didn't look at him as your fiance, it would be easier to let him go. Next time keep in mind to take your relationship slower.

[SapphireNoir10]

I was caught up in the romance for sure. I guess if it seems to good to be true. It is.

[SapphireNoir10]

Arg. I just want to get over this. I have too. I suppose its an ego thing. I thought he'd call or text.

[Einah1281]

Wow...

 

I'm reading your story with tears in my eyes because my ex treated me the same way towards the end of our relationship. He eventually dumped me also, and here I am still missing him despite the way he treated me. After 3 months I'm STILL trying to figure out were I went wrong.