Starting to heal

[thekid55]

So what do I do now? I got one text from her today saying it was nice to see me and that she was tired. I responded but that's it. I really don't want her randomly popping in and out of my life like this.

 

Think about what you did in the past after one of these instances. Pursue her. Try to work it out. Did that work or did she run for the hills?

 

Remember what they say about repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result...

[SA2000]

I know I know. I just feel like a jerk for having her in my bed one night then not calling her the next. But it hasn't gotten me very far in the past. Whatever I guess.

[Calblee]

SA,

 

you are obviously in love with her ex still.

 

i hope this time round, it will go well for you. just make sure you are ready to face the pain and suffering before going all in for a reconcilation.

 

all the best mate and keep us updated on your progress.

 

hope to hear a happy ending in one of these depressing threads at least.

[thekid55]

I know I know. I just feel like a jerk for having her in my bed one night then not calling her the next. But it hasn't gotten me very far in the past. Whatever I guess.

 

You are still living the past, which is normal. You still think of her as your girlfriend. Remember buddy, the pedestal. You are slowly putting her back on one...You know better. As soon as she goes back on it, you lose and we will havta go back to page 1 of the journal.

 

Don't forget about your progress and how far you've come

[MakeItCount]

I love reading this and kid's journals. Smack in the face when I'm having a bad night, such as tonight.

 

Kid makes a great point. The pedestal. Blow that * * * * up with an RPG. Man, I gotta stop playing COD.

[thekid55]

SA and I will forever be linked together on ENA. Two cool, laid back dudes who have overly emotional exes. We keepz it real though. We love the beautiful babies. The hunny babies. The sugar mommas.

[SA2000]

That is true. Kid is so money and he doesn't even know it.

 

The ex texted me to tell me she is going to sleep and sent me some silly picture of her brother. She's off of my * * * * list. For now.

[gallop30]

congrats SA on your progress bro.

hope it'll be the same tomorrow ,and the next day,and the next one...forever SA and his girl

[thekid55]

SA,

 

You gotta realize that guys like me and you are a dying breed. Guys that would be willing to do anything for a girl that they love. Our exes may not totally realize that yet, but one day, it'll smack them in the face. That ish is so hard to find these days.

 

Just look at the divorce rate...through the roof! Most guys just want an easy score, an easy lay, etc. Realize our value to the world. You don't see people like us very often. Remember that when you doubt yourself. That's the attitude that I'm adopting.

 

We are the real prizes here.

[gallop30]

this song should for all confused exes ,Clash "Should I Stay Or Should I Go?"

[SA2000]

I don't understand my ex at all. She texts me about some meaningless * * * * tonight. I can see stringing someone along for a month or two but after dating for almost 6 years why is she still trying to stay in contact? So I won't date? I dont get it. What does she want from me? It's hard to let go when you're in daily contact.

[SA2000]

I feel as though I shouldn't still be having difficulty with this and need to take more action in my life. I feel like a passenger again waiting for my ex to make decisions. I can't live my life that way.

 

I think it may be time for a major life change. I want to look for jobs in the southern California area. That's a long ways away from the Midwest but I feel like a completely fresh start may be what I need. I wont be telling my ex though because I've told her I was moving in the past only to be joking. I don't want it to look like a tactic. I'll plan to find a job and relocate in 6 months if possible.

 

Unless there is major change that keeps me here this is my plan. There will never be a better opportunity then there is now. I will never have less ties.

[gallop30]

listen to kid and the others.i'm just telling u nonsense stuff.u know better

[SA2000]

Its cool. I appreciate all of the input I can get. I feel as though we are supposed to get through this and build on it as this will be the toughest time in both of our lives. I feel as though we need to come together and grow from it but if we are not on the same page that isnt possible. I dont want some drunk party chick and if she still has that in her system then its best I move on. I cant act like I dont go out but I would much rather be building towards a future.

 

I feel as though I am turning a corner. I am starting to really grow from all of this. I know what I want in life now. I dont think my ex is quite there yet. Its sad but I feel like I am going to meet someone else who is in a similar postion mentally and then it will be completely over between the ex and I. I will look back on our years and our difficulties and think of how they could have all been avoided had we grown up sooner but you cant force someone to do anything they dont want to.

 

It feels really good to be in a place where you have purpose. When you know where you want to go short term and long term and have something to work towards. I think one of the hard facts to deal with in a breakup is that you lose a sense of purpose. You have your life somewhat planned out based on someone else and then it is gone. Finding a purpose and new goals is so important in the growth that is needed to be happy again.

 

When the ex and I started to have problems back in 2008 it was due to me loosing sight of my goals and where I wanted to go in life. I felt like I was on her path which wasnt clear in itself. She was upset that we werent really planning for the future but that was because I didnt know where I wanted to go. I was just cruising through life. Finding a purpose and getting in the gym are probably the 2 biggest things one can do during these times.

 

So if you are reading this and wondering how you are going to survive my advice would be to find a purpose in your life that revolves around you. No one else. Get into the gym to clear your head and move towards that purpose every day. Even if you take little steps. Once you can identify what you really want and can start moving towards achieving your own personal goals you will be a whole lot happier.

[SA2000]

So I would like to get a few opinions on the last 3 weeks worth of events. I know that no one has the answers but I would like to have some other perspectives on the situation to weigh my actions going forward.

 

I went to dinner with my ex roughly 3 and a half weeks ago. The next day I texted her while extremely drunk and said that she looked beautiful while we were out together. She responded by saying thank you but you cant say stuff like that. I got upset and said some things I regret. We had plans to see a movie the next day but she didnt return my calls because she was understandably upset.

 

2 weeks go by. She goes to CA to visit her dad and is posting some "I miss you" stuff on her blog. She comes back and apparently sees me at a bar and texts me to say "Saw ya at ----. Didnt think that was your type of place". That was the first contact since dinner 2 weeks prior. I respond saying its not and that I didnt want to go there.

 

She texts me again at 3 am and asks if I am awake. I respond and say that I am and that I didnt go out. She says she didnt either and we text back and forth about nothing.

 

The next night she FB messages my friend and says "If SA and I are so bad together why does it hurt so much?" My friend replies that the heart wants what the heart wants. She posts this as her twitter and facebook status. I cant see it on facebook because we are not friends. She calls me and says she wants to come over. I say OK and she shows up at my house with all of her work clothes roughly 10 minutes later. She lives about a half hour away.

 

We hang out for like 30 minutes while I watch a football game. She goes to bed. I follow about 20 or so minutes later. We "sleep" together and then sleep together. She is calling me "babe" and is hugging me all night. She smells slightly of booze but she is not really drunk. She had just come from a family event.

 

The next day she texts me "It was nice to see you. I hope you arent as tired as I am" on her lunch and then later that night "Watcha doin?" I say I am watching a game on tv. She says she wanted to say hi and texts me about notihng.

 

The following day (yesterday) she texts me again at night asking about my blog and my opinion on her blog. I tell her it looks good and lead her to some sights where she can find more material. We text about nothing again.

 

Which leads me to today. I dont know how to play this. I dont want to just randomly hook up with her as I feel like it discounts our relationship and I am not into that with serious exs. At times I feel like I should say stop contacting me because it is still difficult for me and I know that you dont want anything serious with me at this time. Part of me says lets try not being pushy and not saying leave me alone and see where it goes.

 

Should I contact her at all? I want to either see her again and start spending time with her or cut her out. How should I proceed?

[SA2000]

Ok the official 5 month period has expired. Time to fall in love w/ someone else!

[SA2000]

At what point do you say wait a minute. This isn't going anywhere. I don't want to be sitting around chasing someone or waiting on someone. I need to let go. Its ok to have difficulties at first bit letting them drag on and drag you down for as long as this has been weighing on me is not ok. It shouldn't be a difficult question to ask someone if they love you or not. If they don't then you walk away until you don't feel strongly about them anymore. At some point this all has to stop and I need to let go.

[Calblee]

SA,

 

Before you do anything, why dont you have a final heart to heart talk with your ex? It seems like she is still keen on you but not sure. You choosing to move on may not be most ideal. I think NC is not the way to go for your case. Both of you are clearly in love and your ex is openning the lines of communication to you.

 

Make it a FINAL heart to heart talk.

 

Sometimes, it is better to try and suffer then to leave and regret. =)

[SA2000]

Calblee - I would love to have that LAST heart to heart but we have had that conversation so many times it would just be a repeat of the past. Basically what happens is we see each other or hang out and then a day or two later I ask her if she wants to get back together. She says no and then I tell her not to call me anymore. She has been dropping a lot of hints that she may be receptive but I have been burnt by these last conversations in the past.

 

This heart to heart has to be initiated by her. Otherwise it wont go anywhere. I am just tired of sitting around and waiting for that to happen. I need to start to rebuild my life the way I want it without her.

[Calblee]

Calblee - I would love to have that LAST heart to heart but we have had that conversation so many times it would just be a repeat of the past. Basically what happens is we see each other or hang out and then a day or two later I ask her if she wants to get back together. She says no and then I tell her not to call me anymore. She has been dropping a lot of hints that she may be receptive but I have been burnt by these last conversations in the past.

 

This heart to heart has to be initiated by her. Otherwise it wont go anywhere. I am just tired of sitting around and waiting for that to happen. I need to start to rebuild my life the way I want it without her.

 

If you are honestly (hands to heart) ready to rebuild your life without her, then this is actually your final time. Think about it.

 

Don't give up when it is so close.

[SA2000]

I dont know that it really is that close though. If it were that close she would be calling me to have this talk. I realize that I am just frustrated that things arent going at the speed I want them to move at. I feel like she would be the one initiating any talks as she knows where I stand. We lived together for 4.5 years and have known eachother for over 6.

 

But maybe you are right. Maybe I could be warmer. She suggested getting back together 2 months ago but then didnt really show me enough for me to take it seriously. But at the same time I didnt really show her that I was ready. I wasnt ready then.

 

I feel like I am expecting her to act certain ways and when she doesnt I get upset. But at the same time I havent come off as the most receptive. At the same time I feel as though the talk would be too serious and I dont want it to seem as though I am pushing.

[SA2000]

I am conflicted over how I feel but as the day goes on and my mood starts to lighten I realize that I really do want her back in my life and think that although she didnt call or text me yesterday that she is trying to make it known what she wants. I just dont want to jump the gun again.

 

I think because I am conflicted though I will just do nothing. I feel like she is coming around and if I dont push her away or do something stupid that she might initiate more contact. When I was with her I mentioned that a friend would be in town from FL. She mentioned that she would like to see him. She doesnt know him very well. It was more that she wants to hang out with us. I know that I will hear from her in the next few days due to Christmas and my birthday.

 

In all honesty I just want my best friend back. I need to rebuild my life from scratch but I am in a much better place mentally then I have been in years. I dont need her to come begging saying that she is so sorry or whatever. I just need her to start coming around and showing that she wants to be there. Hopefully this talk comes soon. I know that we are both not happy without each other.

[SA2000]

So I just got a call from my ex. She's crying her eyes out and says she's really sad. I'm like do you want to talk about it? Like why did you call me? She's like I called the rebound dude and told him that I don't want to talk to him anymore and that I want to be with you. Huh?

 

She says he tells her she's a messed up person and that she doesn't know how to treat people and that she has mental problems. She says he makes her feel like she's nothing and blah blah blah. Wow. She says he is like her step dad and is trying to manipulate her and that he has low self esteem. I'm like ok.

 

I tell her that people like that will say or do anything. It's an ego blow for him to hear this and he'll do whatever he can to get under her skin. As long as she's buying it he's selling it. I never said that we would be back together but I guess she can still read me like a book.

 

She says she is going to just change her number. I don't get how people get suckered like this. If someone starts trying to make me feel bad by saying I'm a this or that I just laugh. Whatever.

 

So I don't know what to think. I figured they were over with a while ago because she's been reaching out a lot more. I guess those 2 weeks NC really hit her hard. I think she's still got a lot of growing up to do and needs counseling. The fact that she cares is pretty troubling to me and I don't want a repeat of last year.

 

So how do I approach this? I'll give it a few days and let her emotions settle but I'm hesitant to walk back into that situation. It's been a helluva bumpy road. Shes gotta understand that I'm not just gonna go back to the way things were over night.

 

What do I do ENA?

 

Let me guess... NC.

 

Someone please talk some damn sense into me and let me know that she hasn't changed.

[MakeItCount]

You know man, sometimes it just takes a special kind of douchebag like the guy she's talking about to kick people out of their dreamland. You know her better than we do. If you think she's finally ACTUALLY coming around, then EASSSEEEEE into it. Like you said, give her a few days to calm down. It's up to you really, and how much you want to deal with.

 

Don't give her any ultimatums now as she's confused as it is. If you guys were to figure things out, it would clearly need to be a new relationship with all the demons behind you both. That will take some time. Clearly you both care about each other more than the average couple - lots of history. See how she acts in the next couple of days. Keep in mind the holidays bring out a lot of nostalgia, so I would wait till after New Years to even start considering how you can fix things.

 

Hope this helps, I haven't slept in about 36 hours now.

[thekid55]

No ultimatums. No pressure.

 

As of now, the best thing to do would be to tell her to take some time to get herself together. You are moving forward with your life, wish her nothing but the best, but you aren't a Yo-Yo. You've made it perfectly clear as to what you want from her. She hasn't been willing to comply to that. I've never seen so many mixed signals from one person before. Gotta keep moving forward. Gotta value yourself a little more here.

 

Like we've talked about for the last few months, you guys really, really need some time to grow alone. She obviously needs counselling, but you can never bring that up to her. That will just make her not want to go at all. You know that you need to grow more outside of this 'situation' as well.

 

I'd just really, really pull away now. like, big time pull because she's obviously using your emotional support right now, telling you about jerk-off boy. I'm sure she doesn't tell him about you.