I am so freaking angry right now.

[SpottiOtti]

My boyfriend and I make plans. He falls asleep, and I get ditched. It happens at least twice a month, if not more. Do I believe he really fell asleep? Yes. He is a deep sleeper. I have to admit though, when it first started happening I was like, Am I just an idiot who's being taken for a ride? All my friends believe him, and think he's a good guy. And I have seen how deep of a sleeper he is. It's almost like he has narcilepsy or something.

 

Okay, fine, it's not nefarious. But it's inconsiderate, and it still leaves me ditched on a Friday night and it's too late to make plans with any of my friends. I even asked him on the phone earlier, Are you tired? Are you going to fall asleep? And he says, No, I'm good. But here I sit.

 

We have talked and talked and talked about this. It's not that I am upset that he is tired; he gets up very early and works long hours and I totally understand if he wants downtime at home. I am upset that he makes plans with me and I get ditched. I find it hard to believe that he has so little self-awareness that he cannot feel himself being tired and know that he is going to fall asleep. I've tried telling him, I'm sure you're going to be tired tonight, let's skip the plans. And he says, No, I want to see you, I'll be there. I've tried telling him, if you're tired, text me and tell me you need a wakeup call. That didn't work, because I gave him a wakeup call, we talked for five minutes, and he didn't remember a word of the conversation the next day.

 

Grrrrr!!!! I am so angry. I feel like texting him and saying something snippy, but I won't do it because it's not healthy and it doesn't solve anything. I've tried telling myself that I will just accept this as part of who he is, and it works if I can find something else to do, but when everyone I know is busy and i'm stuck here because my boyfriend can't manage his sleep schedule, I get so frustrated. Sometimes I think of ending it over this, then I think that's crazy because everything else is so good, and I love him.

 

Can anyone give me some perspective here?

[Fudgie]

You have every right to be angry. One time, yeah, I can understand maybe him messing up once or so, but this is a pattern. This is not right. Okay, so maybe he's not "blowing you off" to be with someone else, but he is still being irresponsible and inconsiderate. When you make plans, you make plans. You have to follow through. If he was going to conk out, he should have at LEAST had the decency to call you and tell you that he couldn't make it. But he can't do that....

 

I would be very angry if I were in your shoes. I don't blame you at all.

 

Maybe he does have a sleeping problem. If he's just conking out all over the place and unable to manage his sleep schedule, he may have a problem. Or maybe he's using the sleep as an "excuse" for him to just stay at home and be lazy. I have no idea! But something needs to be done!

 

I wouldn't text him now. Save the talk for later. Talk to him tomorrow when he's awake and tell him how you feel! Tell him something needs to change because what he is doing is disrespectful and inconsiderate.

 

By all means, if he keeps doing this and shows no incentive to change anything, it shows that he's unreliable and doesn't care about your time. You deserve better

[waveseer]

It sounds like he has no control over when he falls asleep almost to the point where it happens without warning. Maybe he does have a medical condition. I suggest telling him that you are concerned for his health. His sleeping habits do not sound normal or healthy as you have described them.

[pinkelephant]

it might be a medical condition.

[TheGeco]

“By all means, if he keeps doing this and shows no incentive to change anything, it shows that he's unreliable and doesn't care about your time. You deserve better” yea I agree with Fudgie, if he does not show any incentive to shange then you should not have to put up with him either.

[artzygirl]

It may be a medical condition. Let him know you are concerned. Or this really just be a guy thing, I've experienced this in a past relationship, my sister and sister in law both deal with this problem with their guys. I agree with other posters, if he does not agree or attempt to change this behavior then he is not worth your time. Don't waste your energy on someone who won't give you any in return. Not worth the effort, just more stress/drama for yourself.

[Brittney2008]

You say yourself that he gets up early and works long hours..

 

You are acting as if he ditched you to hang out with someone else.

 

I may be the odd out opinion here but I think you are seriously overreacting and being selfish.

[Radeon]

I wouldn't say that you're being selfish, because it always takes two to tango. However, by making plans with you and falling asleep it shows a lack of responsibility for his commitments. If I were you, I'd honestly question how much they mean to him. I've been on your side of this situation once, and I've always wondered; I have the physical ability to send a text or make a call if I find myself falling asleep, or if I'm very tired, why can't you?

 

I'd definitely express my concern, and let him know that you can't keep making plans and ending up disappointed every time. It's fine that he works long hours, it's fine that he wakes up early, but don't make plans if you know you can't come through. To me, that says a lot about his character -- what else is he going to promise you that he doesn't really care to follow through with?

 

In situations like this, i always feel like if it happens once it's okay, it's a mistake. If it keeps happening, it becomes a problem because your needs are no longer being met. I personally feel like you're being disrespected if he makes plans with you, then so happens to go lay in bed with the lights off because he's tired.

[SpottiOtti]

Thanks so much, everyone, for the replies!

 

Wow, I didn't expect to hear that I was being selfish! Like I said, I understand if he wants to stay home and sleep. I would think it was selfish of me to demand that he hang out with me when he's tired, but I don't do that. Actually, I ask him a lot when we make plans, "Are you sure you're not too tired?" I try to be considerate of the fact that he gets up early. When we go out, I ask him if he wants to leave early a lot.

 

I think he makes plans with me when he is tired because he does want to see me, and thinks if he says he wants to stay home it will disappoint me. I've tried to explain to him that I wouldn't be disappointed or upset if he wants to stay home, and that I get more disappointed when I'm waiting for him and he doesn't show. He does make effort in every other way in our relationship, so I wouldn't say that it doesn't matter to him. I'm not going to break up with him over this.

 

It's just that he's done it so much that every time we make plans now, I sit here and wonder if he's going to show up. I get sort of anxious about it, it's like a knot in my stomach until he gets here. And I've explained that to him too. I've also found it difficult to believe that he can't send a text when he feels tired, but I have seen him literally go from zero to deep slumber in about a minute. It's like his body just says, "enough", and shuts down on him.

 

He always feels so bad about it when it happens . . . I guess it's something that I am going to have to learn to live with if we are going to stay together. What can I do to make myself feel less anxious about this?

[Ms Darcy]

I don't know what your response is to all of the suggestions that it might be a medical condition. I'm concerned you haven't addressed that.

[AlwazeDazed]

I dont think you are being selfish at all unless there are things you haven't mentioned. I do think you should take a step back and let things simmmer for a bit. I only say this from experience. I had a very similar situation happen with me and a man. We were dating for over 6 months when the "I fell asleep" comments started. I was very concerned at first and worried he was overworking. By the 5th or 6th time of hearing that excuse, I started getting suspicious. I started paying more attention to other area's of our shared lives; his attitude towards me, his willingness to be attentive when he wasn't so tired, his conversations and maturity when we would talk about his actions. I started seeing other signs too. One night, completely by accident, I got called in to work late one night and his house is on my route to work. He was outside with several of his male friends but there was an equal amount of women there too. I said nothing but asked him the next day how his evening was and he said...you guessed it "he fell asleep on the couch early and never woke back up. So....I am not saying your guy is doing the same thing. I am saying to back off a bit and let him figure out where his priorities are and if there is a medical condtion, he is a big boy. He should have it looked at. I wouldn't make excuses for it any longer. You have a right to be feeling slighted and concerned there is something more about this. At the very least, if he is not getting enough sleep, he shouldn't be letting you down by making plans he can't keep. Just something to think about. I hope it all works out.

[lilcupcake]

I don't think you are being selfish. It's a matter of common courtesy on his part. If he is too tired then just let you know so you can make other plans if you want to and you aren't sitting around waiting on him and then finding out he fell asleep. My boyfriend does something similar. Like today, we made plans to get breakfast early this morning and hang out for the day, we haven't seen each other all week. So it is almost 10am, I'm up and ready. He is still asleep and I'm waiting for him to call or text me so I can head his way. He does this to me a lot. If he didn't want to get up early, then why make plans? We could have made plans then for lunch instead. After a while it does make you feel like you are not important enough for him to stick to the plans he made with you.

[konstantine]

I totally understand how frustrating that can be. My boyfriend frequently falls asleep as well, sometimes conflicting with our plans. Or he will invite me over, I'll ask if he's too tired, he says no, and then when I get to his house he asks if we can take a nap. NOOO.

 

It's really frustrating to me because I just wish he would think "OK, we have plans. I'm going to set an alarm so that if I doze off I don't miss anything." It's just common courtesy. But he doesn't think ahead that way, and I'm sure your boyfriend is the same way. So then I am left waiting for 3 hours or however long it takes him to wake up naturally, which is infuriating.

 

It's best not to say anything in the moment because you are so mad. It won't seem so bad tomorrow. On one hand, it feels like a deal-breaker in the moment, because it just seems so damn inconsiderate! But on the other hand, it's not as though they are doing it on purpose, and they are just heavier sleepers that we can't necassarily understand.

[SpottiOtti]

Hey everyone, thanks for the replies. To those who thought it was a medical condition - I asked him about it, and he said his dad is the same way and that it only happens when he goes a few days with minimal sleep. On the fourth day or so, his body is just like, "Okay, we're sleeping whether you like it or not." He phrased this in such a way that I know he does not consider it abnormal or a danger to his health. And if he doesn't consider it as such, I can't make him get it checked out.

 

It's good to know that there are other people out there whose SOs are such deep sleepers. I have never met anyone like my BF before, who went from zero to out cold so quickly. My roommate actually suggested a way to reduce my anxiety when I'm not sure if he'll show up - make a list of things I've been meaning to get to, and change my frame of mind about getting a "night off" from the relationship. When he stands me up again, I'll consult the list and find something constructive to do, if I can't find anyone to hang out with last minute. So I think I'm going to try that next time. Maybe her suggestion could help someone else who reads this thread.

[FathomFear]

He likely feels very pressured into making plans with you even when he's exhausted. This might be because he perceives you as being high-maintenance, which honestly is a vibe I got myself when I read your original post.

 

The issue for me isn't so much that he falls asleep--it's that he makes plans even when he shouldn't. You likely need to do more to express that he doesn't need to make plans when he's that tired.

[SpottiOtti]

Fathom Fear: I have wondered if I am high-maintenance in the past. When my roommate and I were discussing this, she said sort of the same thing. I guess I'm having trouble seeing past my side of things. I just don't see how expecting someone to show up when they've made plans with you is high-maintenance, but maybe you are reading between the lines here? May I ask what it was about my initial post that caused you to think that?

 

I have discussed it with him, repeatedly. I don't know how to make him understand the way it makes me feel. I feel as though I am pretty considerate of him and his time, but maybe I'm too demanding? But how do I know if he feels that way, if he won't communicate it to me?