Getting help after 12 years of abuse ( really need support here )

[coolgirl]

Ever sense I was 18 I've been in abusive situations as far as emotinally, physcially, mentally from relationships to family member abuse and been dealing with it up till now. I've really not brought this up to anyone for 12 years including my own family. So i've been living in pain in misery for 12 years and no one knowing about it. I've been to therpy before but not regarding abuse. i am attending some sort of counceling but at the same time needs to go to counceling for abuse issues.

 

Honestly, I dont know how long its going to take me recovering after 12 years of abuse. And thats one thing I'm afraid of having to be more than 2-3 years or more to deal with this. I've never thought that this was going to catch up with me now. Now, is not the time for me to go through this were talking about digging stuff up from the past and its going to be so hard trying to even talk about this after a long period of time. I just dont think I can go through with it.

 

I dont want to deal with it now, I dont want too. Its painfull enough to even talk about it and I never thought I'd be having to deal with it now. And somehow its catching up with me after 12 years. Why now ? I'm going through so much in my own life than to be worried about this. I dont think I can do it. I really need some support here really do. This is to difficult to even bring up. If anyone here has had the same situation with being afraid and scared of bringing up past abuse, please tell me or encourage me how did you deal with it. But other than that I really need the support there is. Thanks for reading.

[turnera]

Just think how powerful you are going to feel at the other end of this. There are a lot of books you can read that will help you get perspective, and realize many people do survive and even thrive. You can, too.

 

Why are you scared of bringing up something that someone ELSE did to YOU? You should be mad at them. Get mad!

[coolgirl]

Just think how powerful you are going to feel at the other end of this. There are a lot of books you can read that will help you get perspective, and realize many people do survive and even thrive. You can, too.

 

Why are you scared of bringing up something that someone ELSE did to YOU? You should be mad at them. Get mad!

 

Whats the point of getting mad ? Were talking about 12 years of abuse here. I'm not mad i've been just full of rage after 12 years and if i get off my meds which ( i am taking ) then it would get a whole lot worse. Were talking about digging stuff up from the past that has happened for 12 years, i'm sure it wouldn't be fun for you either.

[turnera]

The point of getting mad is to stop yourself from blaming yourself, as abuse victims typically do. Unless it's not really abuse. Details, please, so we can give better answers.

 

How do you expect to get better if you won't acknowledge what happened, and deal with it?

[KG]

I like the idea of books to deal with this. That way you can go at your own pace. You must get past this. You will be so much better off for it. I wish you the best.

[coolgirl]

The point of getting mad is to stop yourself from blaming yourself, as abuse victims typically do. Unless it's not really abuse. Details, please, so we can give better answers.

 

How do you expect to get better if you won't acknowledge what happened, and deal with it?

 

If I wanted to deal with this I would had done it along time ago. And for stupid reason I didnt. Its just to painfull to bring up. I dont want to be in therpy for more than 2-3 years to be dealing with this sort of issues. Also, what kind of details do you need ?

[turnera]

Well, abuse is a broad tag. Did people play mind games with you? Did someone strip away your identity? Were you beaten? Was it your husband? If it was someone else, why did you stay? Stuff like that. Different things call for different ways of dealing with it.

 

If I wanted to deal with this I would had done it along time ago.

Unfortunately, it does not go away. It permeates everything you do, whether you want it to, or not, and whether you realize it, or not. It causes you to become self-destructive, depressed, hurtful to others. So...take care of it, or spend the rest of your life under its spell?

[turnera]

If you feel it's going to be a painful process, why not take some time off from work, say a month, so you can just concentrate on it and get past it?

[Kuki Prince]

Whats the point of getting mad ? Were talking about 12 years of abuse here. I'm not mad i've been just full of rage after 12 years and if i get off my meds which ( i am taking ) then it would get a whole lot worse. Were talking about digging stuff up from the past that has happened for 12 years, i'm sure it wouldn't be fun for you either.

 

i feel what your trying to say and im very sorry, i also went threw alot in my younger days...things that should have never happened, i have not really completely gotten over it but i managed, i tend to get annoyed with people saying get angry, yell, hit this, read that and let go, to be the person saying those things is one thing but to go threw a life time of pain and suffering"which it seemed like" is another, my drive to live and carry on was my father who i love the most and who i could trust. but now my drive is my family, i took from my childhood experience and learnt from it, my son is my world, he is my everything, my wife is my heart, she completes me, if i was to give any advice to you, i wouldn't tell you, i would ask you to just believe in yourself that you can do it, i believe in you.

 

Regards,

jono

[lonelyandblue]

I understand you not wanting to take the time out of your life in order to deal with these things but the fact is it will take some time, maybe not even two to three years. I was abused and facing it is not easy there is a lot of stigma around it and it is just plain hard to deal with. But if you want a healthier future and have CHANGE in your personal life, then your gonna have to put in some time. And you should come on here anytime that you need some extra support.

[itsallgrand]

It's taken my many years to process abuse I went through in my past. Years of hard work.

 

It's all been worth it. I feel like a different person, like myself. It is like starting life afresh after feeling like life is an ordeal for so long.

 

Most people try. They try to not deal with it. It seems overwhelming from the inside, living in the skin. Others who haven't been through it, they don't completely understand it all. That isn't to say they can't help. A lot of times it is that objectivity that saved in my darkest moments of wrestling with the past.

 

I got personally only got the serious help when I felt the alternative was more painful than facing it all. I was open and mad about it, I just didn't deal with me.

 

You know the wildest hopes that you have in your heart? The ones you are scared to even admit to yourself? They become real possibilities once you deal with this stuff. You will amaze yourself.

 

Did I really want to deal with any of it? No. No, I didn't want any of it to begin with. But once I accepted; it happened, whether I deal with it or not, the choice I had was to continue to suffer in my own personal hell or confront it head on. Independence was always very important to me, and a desire to not repeat cycles, and a desire to have not be someone standing idly by while injustices occurred. That is a deep part of my personality, and it motivated me.

 

What motivates you? Why are you seeking help now? I think our minds naturally know when we are ready - sometimes it takes a long time - but something in us knows when we have the strength and ability to deal with it. It's hard, especially if you were young when the abuse happened, at that point to even think you'll ever have the ability to face it and succeed. But you've had years to grow now, learned things, and you can do it.

[coolgirl]

Well, abuse is a broad tag. Did people play mind games with you? Did someone strip away your identity? Were you beaten? Was it your husband? If it was someone else, why did you stay? Stuff like that. Different things call for different ways of dealing with it.

 

Unfortunately, it does not go away. It permeates everything you do, whether you want it to, or not, and whether you realize it, or not. It causes you to become self-destructive, depressed, hurtful to others. So...take care of it, or spend the rest of your life under its spell?

 

Yes, the people I was involved with played mind games, yes I was beaten, hit, bruised, choked, was called alot of names, from anything you can think of cousin abused me ( my family dont know about ) No it wasn't my husband the people I had gotten involved with before and after my marriage and ever sense this kept happening I could had never stuck up for myself. It was more of phsycial and emotional abuse, so alot has been going on sense 12 years. It has become a pattern for along time now.

[coolgirl]

If you feel it's going to be a painful process, why not take some time off from work, say a month, so you can just concentrate on it and get past it?

 

I dont work and cant at this momment bc I have a hard time keeping down a job and when i do find a job I cant keep it for more than 2-3 days. I've got to many issues going on.

[turnera]

Then you should fiind a good mental health facility and get yourself admitted so you can let the professionals help you.

[HealingHandsWarmHeart]

I was abused as a child and as an adult.

 

You are right .. it is NOT fun to dig up the past.. but thats a part of the process.. if you want to move past this.. you have to move THROUGH it.. and you move through it by experiencing your emotions in a controlled setting with someone who can guide you.

 

I've been there.. NO its not easy but i will say that it was well worth it.

 

Counseling really is the only way to break the pattern of abuse in your life. At least it was for me.

 

I am happier now then i have ever been in my life and I'm attracting all sorts of wonderful things in my life.

[coolgirl]

How, long did it take you to recover from your abuse ? if you dont mind me asking. If its going to be lifetime or talking about 4-5 years then I dont think I can handel such a long process like that really cant. I got other issues on my hand as well and dealing with the fact of trying to deal with the abuse itself. This is just too much. Its just not about the abuse itself its about other stuff as well. Anger Management, Depression, Anxity and fears, recovering from divorce and addiction to sex and even more. You get the idea. I knew sooner or later it was going to catch up with me its just I didnt wanna deal with it now. I'm scared, afraid, nervous of having to bring all these stuff within the past 12 years, I thought I buried it in the past and not having to deal with it. I'm loosing my mind. :sad:

[turnera]

Actually, now that you are letting yourself 'feel' it can be terrifying. But it means that you are progressing! Be proud of yourself for being brave enough to let yourself feel. Many of us spend a lifetime building up a wall so you don't HAVE to feel.

 

But guess what? Those of us who do that MISS OUT on the real life we should be living.

 

You're one step ahead of us.

 

Take the leap. Let the professionals help you. It's what they do.

[abitbroken]

You say you can't handle 2,3 or 4 years of dealing with it, that you don't have time - so you DO have time to continue to feel this way? I was in a very emotionally abusive marriage. Why did I stay? It was sort of a kidnapper/victim thing where I started to justify him or even got frightened of what would happen if he left. I gave up things I liked to do, things that were special to me, and relationships with family members to keep him from getting angry. You know what, I didn't make a change, but a change was made for me when he left. I was totally stripped away. I had nothing - but then I immediately immersed myself in counseling that was connected with a women's shelter twice a week at first, then once and a support group and 12 step program every night of the week. Then I settled in to counseling once, and 12 step/support twice a week, and then when the counselor went somewhere else, I ended up once a week, and now once a month at a support group and the difference is that I now have support form other gals who have been there.

 

The most dramatic change in me came from when i realized and learned from a very wise person that there are things that are in our control or things that happened because we did something, and there are things that happened that others did to us, and things that just "happened." We take ownership of our 'stuff', forgive people for what they did to us, and learn to let go of the things that just happened, (natural disasters, people dying, someone moves away - that is stuff that "just happens" and is not something "inflicted"). I became a lot less hard on myself.

 

It took me a 5 months to feel like a new person. But then again, I was ready to let anything fly - to rip myself open and no deep hurt was off limits. After that,it took me another year of doing really well and then occasionally backsliding. I have little victories every day and while I am not perfect, I feel free, and if I have a messed up thought, I catch myself.

[Ms Darcy]

I dont work and cant at this momment bc I have a hard time keeping down a job and when i do find a job I cant keep it for more than 2-3 days. I've got to many issues going on.

 

I may be wrong, but this feels awful doesn't it? I would think that getting help would be great with the goal of just helping you to function normally each day. I'm sorry for the pain that you are going through. I think the question is, do you have any other choice than to deal with it? How much worse can things get? Or, will things get better if you do nothing about it?