He thinks I'm a cheater and he's just wrong

[Nixee]

I'm just so frustrated right now... and I'm hurt... and I'm grieving... and I don't know how to sort it all out.. sorry if this is long and ranty..

 

My boyfriend dumped me.. about a week or so after my father died. By text message no less, while I was 3000 miles away grieving with my family.

 

I can't really say it came as a total shock... our relationship had been rocky for some time - he was becoming completely convinced that I was a liar and a cheater - but I am not. I have never lied to him about anything in the entire time we've been together, nor have I ever cheated on him, nor intended to.

 

His reasons for thinking it? Well.... when we first got together (we've been together about 6 months or so), I was definitely guarded, and I was honest with him about this. I was up front and let him know that I had a lot going on emotionally - my father was terminally ill... and I'd been hurt badly by men in the past... so falling in love fast was not really something I did. And committing, getting close, even being totally exclusive with someone... hell that hadn't happened for me in a couple years even!

On the surface he tried to act understanding and patient, but deep down I think this bothered him. I refused to be pushed faster than my heart could go.... but he fell fast and seemed to actually get mad at him for not being loving enough... or for being hesitant. If I ever seemed doubtful or hesitant about our relationship, he became suspicious of me... thinking I was surely just looking for another man to run to. NOT AT ALL the case, and I tried to tell him this. I simply needed to go slow. For me this was doing it right. Taking my time to heal my heart.

 

A couple more shaky months in (he is still showing signs of being suspicious of me, but we have had great times together, and my feelings have grown quite strong for him at this point)... and the most horrible thing happens - a real jerk who I dated for about a month a long time ago (over a year ago) happens to be friends with a friend of my b/f. He tells my b/f's friend that he still sees me, even that he is still romantic with me. Complete lies.

Trouble is.. this jerk calls my phone occasionally. I never answer it - shows up as a missed call. I tell my b/f at this point that I have no idea why he would spread such lies about me, but that my b/f needs to trust ME - not some random jerk spreading rumors and trying to cause trouble.

 

But he couldn't let it go.

 

At that point he just snapped. He started pointing out bruises on my body, accusing me of getting them while sleeping with another guy. He went through my phone looking for phone calls from the other guy.

 

He found an old profile of me online from okcupid, which I had setup when I moved out here almost 2 years ago that I didn't even use for dating, but just to use for meeting new friends since I was new to the area. I never took it down when we got together, but set the status to "seeing someone" and profile to "please don't ask me out I'm in a relationship" even but he still got angry at me!

 

When that same guy who was spreading lies about me called my phone one night while we were having dinner together, he actually ended up leaving a voicemail that was nothing but dead air for over a minute. I'm pretty sure it was an accidental dial. I told my bf about it right then and there. He demanded I let him listen to it.... he couldn't let it go like I asked him to. So I let him. I asked him, "now do you believe that maybe his calls are accidental?... If I was having an affair with this guy don't you think he would have left a message?" You could even hear him, a woman and a child talking in the background. Later in the evening my bf gave me an ultimatum to text that guy right then and there and get him to remove my number from his phone. I did it... but I hated feeling like I had a gun to my head. Like I was doing it due to his mistrust. This was a guy I was NOT having an affair with and I couldn't care less about, and my bf's lack of trust was forcing me into a confrontation. But I did it because I thought maybe.. just maybe it would help prove to him that I cared more for him and I just wanted him to believe me once and for all that I wasn't cheating.

 

But it meant nothing. It did nothing to change things.

That whole fight also happened the same night I found out my dad had gone over to hospice care.

 

It was only a matter of days until I was flying home and caring for my dad as he died.

 

My bf was mostly quiet while I was there. Even when I wanted him to say more. To be REAL with me.. talk to me... Be more loving and supportive and just talk.. The most he could muster was "I'm sorry for your loss" ... Cheap lame hallmark card words is what it felt like from someone who should be closer to me and supposedly loved me.

 

So... when he ended it... I knew it was coming. He was going on vacation, and the day before he left, he did it.

 

And now... we are both back.

 

I've seen him once. At first he was cold to me, but kept insisting we could be "friends" and "hang out" .... why the hell would I want to do that??? I know better. I know you can't just be friends with an ex! But I did know we needed to see each other. So... I invited him over Wednesday night. He rushed over in a heartbeat. He agreed so easy... I know he had hopes of something. Sex? Reconciliation? I don't know. But none of that happened. I tried to just talk honestly. And I told him yet again that I NEVER cheated or lied.

 

He left angry.

 

Since then he has blocked me on Facebook and told me off countless times via text, and won't answer the phone. He's told me I'm "full of sh**" I'm "ridiculous" I'm a cheater... a "waste" ..that there is no point talking to me, that he hates me, that he is "so disgusted" by me...that he "pities" me...and on and on and on.... long strings of verbal abuse.

 

Once again I point out... I NEVER EVER did the things he truly seems to be 110% convinced I did.

 

And I've told him this... over and over. There is nothing I can do to defend myself at all. Just like there was nothing I could have done to defend myself from this happening.

 

Normally I'm pretty good at just accepting things as they are, and letting things go.. but this just really bugs me

I feel I've been grossly misjudged here by someone I thought I could trust and care for. He just turned out to not at all be who I thought.

 

I know I should just write him off as yet another jerk. A controlling abuser with issues who needs help. But is that always the way it is going to be? Every single ex bf is just a jerk who needs help?

 

Oh yeah... and he is already dating someone new.. I forgot that wonderful tidbit that he couldn't wait to throw in my face too. He said "I wasn't seeing her when your dad was dying.." To which I replied, "oh, so just the week after he died then, way to wait it out.. " and he didn't answer... silence says everything. He once was asking me about my opinion on when things are ok for people to look for someone new... like when a relationship has ended, etc. He put it forward as though he was trying to make sure *I* wasn't looking for anyone new. Now I know he was.

 

I just hurt so bad. I finally let myself commit... what for? not only to get my heart crushed again... but to get it completely STOMPED on entirely and to have my name dragged through the mud too.

 

WHy ever even bother with love again?

[DN]

I think many people would be somewhat suspicious about the circumstances with this guy calling especially since you were so guarded with your emotions. Don't forget that you know your motives in being so guarded but it is still hard to love someone and not feel loved in return - so people look for reasons why that be so. This guy provided that reason especially since he is an ex and you said that the reason you were guarded is because of previous ex's.

 

I don't understand why you would not take down your OKcupid profile altogether when you became involved with him - by its very name it is obviously a site to meet people romantically.

 

 

 

So when you put these things together:

• lack of reciprocation of feelings
  
• guarded emotions
  
• ex b/f calling with no real attempt to stop him until he demanded it
  
• profile still up on okcupid
  

can you not see things at least a little from his perspective? He loves you but the evidence seems to point to you not loving him in the same way. So he bailed to avoid being hurt even more.

[sadchick83]

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your father. How cruel for all of this to happen at once. You seem like a very nice person from your post.

I think in a sick way your bf still wants to control you/likes you in a strange way.

 

I know of people, men and women, who obsess about their partners possibility of cheating. They do not cheat themselves, they just get the notion. In their head and can't let it go.

 

Maybe it is some type of obsessive compulsive behavior? Maybe he is very jealous? If it was just this, perhaps you could have worked something out.

 

But, since he did this to you while your father passed shows he is heartless. A girlfriend of mine had a husband EXACTLY like this.

 

Her doctor discovered a lump on her lung which was determined to be cancer. Her husband was a doctor, and became this amazing man

While she went through this ordeal. She ruined her summer. Anyway, last fall she learned she did not have cancer, and within hours, her husband went back to his old self.

 

He became abusive and thought she was cheating once again.

 

This is not your fault....it is something in your bf's head. Treat yourself well for the next while. Hang out with good friends. This is a hard time for you.

 

Take care of yourself...

[Nana00]

I'm sure one of the lessons you learned here is don't ask don't tell. Like you, I was honest in the beginning of all my relationships, telling them I'm not use to moving too fast, it scares me, etc, but the thing I failed to realize is that the person I'm with now doesn't want to hear about my baggage, my scars in the past. If I bring them to his attention, he might dwell on it. If I tell him about my wild adventures in college like binge drinking, he might think I still do that on the weekends, he might not realize I've grown out of that?

 

It's important to be honest, but don't go into detail if it's going to make them feel insecure. Plus, it sounds like your ex already has insecurities of his own. Was he cheated on in the past?

 

Also find out why your friend pretended to be seeing you, making your life miserable. If it's worth working out, the three of you should sit down and talk about this. But from the sounds of things, there might not be enough trust to work things out?

[Nixee]

DN, while I can see your point... and even DO see his side of things... I think you are failing to see his treatment of me throughout our relationship, as well as my emotional state as being a factor.

 

My feelings DID reciprocate for him. They just didn't do it when HE wished. And I can't make them move at someone else's pace.

 

I have been guarded for a reason. For many reasons. I had to fly to CA to take care of my dying father 4 times within our 6 month relationship. The last two guys I actually loved both left me for other women. I CAN let my guard down... it just doesn't happen as fast as it used to.

 

The ex... he wasn't even a b/f... he was just a guy I went out with a few times really, and he meant nothing to me. Attempt to stop him? I texted him once and asked him if he had tried to call me, and he said it was a misdial. I believed him at that point... why wouldn't I? At that point as far as I knew he was never saying anything about me, and the missed calls were maybe 2-3 months apart. Big deal... why make a confrontation about it? I literally didn't care. Its just a missed call. I'm non-confrontational generally, that is my personality, and that is why I never bothered. I'd rather walk away than start a fight.

 

The online profile... Have you ever actually been on that site? The people you can find on there sometimes are often a bit different than on the others. At least that is what I've found. The only folks I keep in touch with from the site are platonic friends. If he really looked at my profile (which he was free to), it was quite obvious that it was set up for friends only, no interest in dating. Furthermore, after he whined about it, I did hide the profile. While it was up ... I never even logged on or received messages anyways... so in my mind.. moot point.

 

 

Guarded though I may be - I was ALWAYS ALWAYS open and communicative with my bf. I always explained things to him, just as openly as I attempt to do so here (hopefully even more so). I conceded to him that yes, I could understand how he would feel frustrated, insecure, and would want me to feel just as much for him just as fast...but in the end, wanting to control someone else's emotional pace is not love. Telling them what to do is not love.

 

Accusing them of things they didn't do is not love.

 

Trust is love. Knowing that they are a good person that you can have faith in... that is love.

 

As I said, my feelings did grow, and my guard had come down, and I told him this. It was after things had gotten better between us that his accusations just got stronger and worse and he became just.... controlling and emotionally abusive even.

 

Me conceding that he had any right to feel hurt or concerned or wanting to be out of the relationship is still NO excuse for him saying all the horrible things he has said to me, or the horrible ways he's done things.

[DN]

Well, let's say that he had posted on here asking for advice and said that his girlfriend kept him at arms length emotionally because of past experiences, was receiving calls from an ex and wouldn't block him until he insisted and even then only did so reluctantly, and had a dating site profile active.

 

What do you think the sort of advice he would have received from people here would have been?

[Nixee]

I think I can really agree with you on the not telling bit.. To be honest I probably wouldn't have, except that he seemed to fall so fast for me

 

It is just hard when you are in a new dating relationship and a guy says things like "I am really starting to like you..." or "I think I'm falling for you..." And you don't feel ready to say anything back, you know? I'm a very honest person, and I also don't feel it is right to start a relationship off with a lie... especially not about feelings.

So I guess I was just afraid of not saying anything and letting him feel hurt, and maybe even walking away from me (because I did see a ton of potential in him right away, and wanted to keep seeing him and let my heart open), and instead I chose to be totally honest - and tell him that I was the guarded type, etc etc. But yes... it was just a downward spiral More open talks, and more paranoia on his part.... I don't know how to win I guess...

 

And yes, he was cheated on before. Well... not so much cheated on as just used. He had dated a married girl who was separated from her husband and he let himself believe that things were going great with them... but inevitably she ran back to the husband, leaving him feeling cheaply used. So I can imagine he felt he had no control over the situation. Another girl he dated used him up and spit him out rather cruelly too. So... I caught a glimpse of his history... he hungered for something true and real. And he seemed in a hurry for it.

 

My best guess is that he is going to try to rush this new girl he is already dating into it. When he came over the other night I saw in his car the same movie we watched the first night we slept together... and he mentioned going to a town this weekend where we went early in our relationship too... I can only imagine he is living with her our relationship on repeat... ugh

 

As for the other guy.... I have nothing to do with him. The one brief confrontation we had, when I sent him a text and asked if he was telling lies about me... he denied it, and he said he is getting married soon. He is no part of my life, and I haven't seen him in over a year. He is nothing more than a feature in my bf's... well.. now ex's... paranoia

[greywolf]

Hi Nixee, while I do think that he may have had reason to be suspicious, the way he handled it was not right. Yes, you could have been more emotionally open, etc., but that is not a reason to act like a jerk. The way he treated you after the breakup says even more about his character.

 

Have you ever wondered that maybe you keep finding yourself in these types of relationships because you are too tolerant about how they treat you in the beginning? Getting angry at you for not loving him would have been a huge red flag to me. That is not real love IMO.

[Nixee]

Well, let's say that he had posted on here asking for advice and said that his girlfriend kept him at arms length emotionally because of past experiences, was receiving calls from an ex and wouldn't block him until he insisted and even then only did so reluctantly, and had a dating site profile active.

 

What do you think the sort of advice he would have received from people here would have been?

 

I understand your point. But it is the same as when he tells me that he talks to his friends and they all agree that I must certainly be cheating.

 

It is one-sided.

 

But it doesn't make it true.

Because I am most definitely NOT cheating, nor have I ever in my life.

 

I admit to being emotionally distant in the beginning, and the dating site (though technically a social networking site, but splitting hairs)

 

The whole point is, there are two sides to every story. I can and do see his side. He does not see mine.

 

You seem to think I'm not being understanding to him... I am. I simply think he flipped and crossed the line from rightfully hurt and upset... even needing to leave the relationship (as sad as that is for both of us) to being abusive and a bit off his rocker.

 

Accusing me based on bruises is over the line.

Going through my phone is over the line.

Hurling insults and low blows is over the line.

Dumping me by text from 3000 miles away while I'm grieving is ... well... low class. As is going out with someone else the very same week just to throw it in my face (but still coming over to my house and trying to sleep with me).

[Nixee]

Hi Nixee, while I do think that he may have had reason to be suspicious, the way he handled it was not right. Yes, you could have been more emotionally open, etc., but that is not a reason to act like a jerk. The way he treated you after the breakup says even more about his character.

 

Have you ever wondered that maybe you keep finding yourself in these types of relationships because you are too tolerant about how they treat you in the beginning? Getting angry at you for not loving him would have been a huge red flag to me. That is not real love IMO.

 

Thanks grey...

 

That is the REALLY painful thing to think about. I like to think that I am a pretty strong person. But honestly, you are right. I give a LOT of leeway to someone I like in the beginning. I know I have a fear of abandonment. And even now... even though I know I am better off without him and the way he has been treating me.. I can't stand that he is cutting off communication with me... if only for the simple reason that he has walked away still thinking false things. It drives me nuts

 

So yes... I tolerate a LOT. Way more than I should. I tolerate being pushed around. I tolerate lack of love. I tolerate annoying habits.. all in the hopes that things will get better. And I end up with disappointment. And it needs to stop.

[Ellie2006]

DN, I've agreed with many things you've had to say in the past but not here.

I cannot believe you are actually saying what you said.

 

Nixee's posting history lets us know that she tried very hard to see this from his perspective. She knew her issues, she came clean about it, and did all to help him move past it. I dont see what more she could have done or what she could have done differently.

 

One telling her that she should have been less guarded is like telling him he should have been more trusting. Both are the flip side of a coin. And maybe you'll say, fingerpointing helps no one, blaming him will not help her learn something from this breakup. and maybe you're right. BUT I also think she shouldn't blame herself for something she is not responsible for. Should she acknowledge her part in the breakup? yes. should she accept responsibilities for his paranoia? absolutely not.

 

In the end, I dont think anyone is necessarily at fault about how each felt at the beginning of the relationship. Sure, the best case scenario is if she was less guarded and he was more trusting.

 

BUT the way he acted during and AFTERWARDS is simply atrocious -- inspecting her body for bruises? in a relationship one week after their breakup (and her return home after her father's passing)? Here, there CLEARLY is someone at fault, of bad taste at the very least.

 

Nixee, I think I can understand your feelings of discomfort for being accused of something you havent done, on top of the sadness about the breakup.

 

BUT I think this is the time to see the bigger picture, here -- he's accusatory, he's paranoid, he's insensitive, and unsupportive. Regardless of the fact that you may or may not have contributed to his initial suspicions, that still leaves him with insensitive and unsupportive, and also abusive -- leaving you numerous text messages like that is just .... ridiculous and unnecessary. If he's with his new gf, why in the heck is he sending you constant text messages?

 

I think he's shown his true colors. And hard as it may be, I think you should say good riddance.

 

I am sorry that you're going through this breakup and having to deal with him while you're mourning BUT in the long run, I think it is for the better.

 

Chin up, hun.

[Ellie2006]

Well, let's say that he had posted on here asking for advice and said that his girlfriend kept him at arms length emotionally because of past experiences, was receiving calls from an ex and wouldn't block him until he insisted and even then only did so reluctantly, and had a dating site profile active.

 

What do you think the sort of advice he would have received from people here would have been?

 

Sorry for the double post but just saw this:

I would have said, if you cannot trust her, then it might be best to break up with her now, before any one of you gets more invested in the relationship.

 

I also would have pointed out while "she" may be keeping you at arms length emotionally because of past experiences, please acknowledge that you may be acting more paranoid because of your past experiences so be careful not to project the ghosts of past relationship onto this one. If you cant get over it, then let her go now is what I would have said.

 

Never would have I said, wait six months for the relationship to progress, accuse her the whole time of cheating, scrutinize her body for any "traces" of her cheating, check her phone for any traces of her cheating, be unsupportive of what she's going through, and break up with her in her time of need.

 

Nixee, sorry. I know this is not helping you much but I felt it needed to be said. Sorry for the outburst.

[DN]

What I am trying to do, as always, is to try and see the reasoning behind actions. And the fact is that he had reasons to act as he did. That doesn't make his suspicions correct not does it make his behaviour admirable subsequently. But to make out that he had no reason for his behaviour serves no one.

 

It is not easy to love someone when you feel that you are not loved in return and it seems to me that is what was driving his actions from the very start. He looked for reasons for that lack of reciprocity and found them. They were not correct but that is not what he believed.

 

Why do I keep saying this? So that Nixee does not find herself in the same situation again - because there is no question that her actions also contributed to the demise of this relationship and to ignore that serves no one - now or in the future.

 

The fact that one partner may have been more responsible for a relationship ending and the aftermath does not mean the other person's responsibility is negated.

 

That is not only important to remember if a reconciliation is attempted but also for managing future relationships.

[Ellie2006]

Yes, I agree with what you're saying here and I do understand where you're coming from.

 

I guess my point was that Nixee seemed fully aware of what her issues were and how they may be contributing to the demise of this relationship and was trying to resolve them.

 

Knowing something, though, does not necessarily make it any easier to logically persuade yourself out of such behavior. She was trying but if he was determined to label her as a potential cheater and was going so far as to go through her phone her email etc to find proof, then there's precious little she could have done to disprove what he himself already believed.

 

But but but I am not trying to be argumentative. Truly I'm not. Not only because I do respect what you're saying, DN, but mainly because it would not benefit Nixee.

 

Bottom line: Nixee, treat yourself well. You've gone through a lot this summer. (hugs)

[DN]

It will benefit her not to repeat what happened in the future.

[Ellie2006]

It will benefit her not to repeat what happened in the future.

 

Right. I was saying my being argumentative would not benefit her.

[Nixee]

Thank you Ellie....your post felt very comforting and reassuring to read, to to be honest I will likely come back and re-read it a few times... as I know very well I am better off without him at this point... yet I am still at the stage where I am missing him and wanting to talk and be on good terms. In a weird way, I am starting to understand how mistreated people can keep on going back to the people who mistreat them. You always think, "if I can just make it right... next time it will be better.... " Ugh.. it is awful And as down a year as I've had, I'm well aware that I'm not exactly my strongest, but I'll get there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I actually think this is fair and should be said. I wish he had gotten that advice. But of course, who knows if either one of us could have followed it....

 

My ex has said a couple times that I "used" him. I got defensive and said that of course I didn't.

 

In my mind... I truly didn't. I wanted something good and long term. I really truly saw him as being that man.

But in his mind... I didn't fall fast enough, didn't love strong enough... things weren't quite ideal to the picture of perfection he had I guess? And he was just really convinced that I was only keeping him around so that I wasn't alone... keeping him until the next thing came along.

 

Even though we both really did want the same thing and have the same goals, we couldn't trust each other, and so there wasn't balance. Without balance... we probably did need to break up a lot sooner than we did. But... we held on. Me holding on just made him feel more used. Him holding on just made me feel more controlled. The whole thing just makes me feel sad ...

 

 

 

I can see and appreciate what you are trying to do DN. I guess I am just feeling rather emotional right now. Needless to say I'm in a bit of pain over all this combined with him and my father and the timing.

 

I don't mean to come off like I don't understand that he may have any reasoning at all to his actions... of course I understand that. He isn't an animal... I wouldn't be capable of falling for someone who didn't have any sense at all. (THough... he can be a bit thick sometimes

 

And you can be sure... I don't ever want, nor plan to be in this situation again. I have tried to take responsibility for my part in the end of things, and I have tried to apologize to him for what should be apologized for... but I basically get plugged ears and childish behavior. When I try to talk civilly with him is when I get responses like "you are just full of sh**" and "you are such a waste of my time" "I'm so done with you" "u cheater".

[DN]

I get that you are in pain and am sorry for it. Since you are getting that response, don't you think it is time now to stop contacting him at all?

[Nixee]

I have stopped contacting him at this point.

 

Admittedly, I tried a couple times to walk away earlier... telling him basically that I just wanted peace and wasn't interested in hearing his insults or threats anymore. But later on I would have texts from him lashing out at me or saying something specifically to get my goat, and in weakness and anger I would respond.

 

Its just been a fight By far the least civil relationship I've ever had... oil and water.

 

Never in my life have I had a romantic partner act so immature towards me, even as a teenager, and I think I responded to him in utter disbelief of the immaturity.

 

But... I'm done. No more. Unless someone can be civil with me... converse like a mature adult, I have no interest.

[SapphireNoir10]

He sounds like someone with deep rooted issues. You were honest with him at the beginning that you would be guarded and find it difficult. HE chose to pursue the relationship with you and then proceeded to continuously push you out of your comfort zone.

 

To continuously berrate and accuse you whilst your father was dying and to break up with you just after he did was completely selfish and not ok.

 

This girl he was with straight after, you know what they say, cheaters are often the most paranoid people and accuse their partners of their own crime. Whats to say he hasnt been seeing this girl for a lot longer, seems a lot to jump straight into it with her.

 

I think he is probably the cheater, and he has serious issues and you are a LOT better off without him.

[Ms Darcy]

Its just been a fight By far the least civil relationship I've ever had... oil and water.

 

Never in my life have I had a romantic partner act so immature towards me, even as a teenager, and I think I responded to him in utter disbelief of the immaturity.

 

But... I'm done. No more. Unless someone can be civil with me... converse like a mature adult, I have no interest.

 

Good for you. I have to say, even if there was some reasonable doubt on his part before the split, his abusive behavior afterwards pretty much shows you he is an off-kilter jerk.

 

Good riddance.

[Miss Firecracker]

I cannot imagine how I would handle it if a woman told a friend of mine she and my HUSBAND were in a relationship. Seriously, I do understand your boyfriend's reactions. That is something I guess I shouldn't admit, but it's the truth.

[Nixee]

I cannot imagine how I would handle it if a woman told a friend of mine she and my HUSBAND were in a relationship. Seriously, I do understand your boyfriend's reactions. That is something I guess I shouldn't admit, but it's the truth.

 

I get this... I really do. If I were in his shoes... and say I was at work or something, and one of my co-worker's ended up saying to me "oh, so-and-so, yeah.. I've heard about him... yeah... I think my best friend has been sleeping with him.." Or something like that... Of course I would be sick to my stomach.

 

But it was just hearsay. And it devastated me to think that someone could say such horrible and untrue things about me. I had to ask him about 10 times "are you SURE he said he still sees me NOW? Are you sure he wasn't saying he USED to see me? Like... a year ago??" I thought the guy might have been talking about me in past tense... as in "Oh I know her.. I USED to date her" But he claims that wasn't the case. So I really don't know what else to say about it.

 

I know the truth. I got driven to the point of near-insanity trying to defend myself - practically screaming in frustration that he could give me a polygraph test if he wanted, put me on the stand, ask my friends, my housemates who had seen me on the nights I'd supposedly been with this guy.... it was ludicrous.

 

But when someone has made their mind up to believe their paranoia.. their insecurities over their partner.... there is nothing you can do to save it. I just learned the hard way.

The bottom line is that trust is a choice... it is a choice. And I gave him absolute honesty, answered every question he had, and worked my hardest to assuage his every concern at that point... he still chose not to trust.

[Nixee]

This girl he was with straight after, you know what they say, cheaters are often the most paranoid people and accuse their partners of their own crime. Whats to say he hasnt been seeing this girl for a lot longer, seems a lot to jump straight into it with her.

 

I think he is probably the cheater, and he has serious issues and you are a LOT better off without him.

 

I've thought about this too to be honest... along with a few other things that pop up in my memory...

 

He is/was the type of guy who has tons of women friends, and would sometimes have comments on his facebook that would appear flirty... but I never said anything to him. Of course it always seemed a bit of a double standard to me... because the same sort of thing on my page would probably eat at him. But thats the thing - I just knew he was friends with girls, often went out with his friends-who-were girls, etc.

So of course now... it doesn't surprise me one bit that he already had another girl waiting in the wings.... a backup plan. And yes, he may well have at least been talking to her before he dumped me.

 

Of course there is also the fact that there was a decent sized gap between our first and second date due to the holidays (our first date was mid-December, and then I flew home for the holidays, and came back early Jan.) I told him all along that I would go out with him again when I got back, but also that my dad was sick, and I needed to really focus on family time at that moment. So.... While I was gone, even though he REALLLLLY liked me.. he dated TWO other girls. I of course, dated no one.

 

I dated no one except him since I met him, and slept with no one but him since I met him. Yet I'm the evil liar, cheater, waste of his time.

[Ellie2006]

I dont think you should feel guilty for other people's malicious lies.

While your ex's reaction is understandable, how is this person's lie your fault?

 

Bottom line: if he trusted you, he would have known that you are NOT the type of person to cheat.

 

for me, i think that's the biggest issue: he just didnt believe that you are not capable of cheating. he, in fact, believed you to be capable of lying to him, cheating on him, and using him and in the end, why would you want to be in a relationship with someone who has such a negative perception of you??