I need help, 4 months and bf still hasnt told me where he lives or works.

[Brigadoon]

Run like hell girly.

It doesn't matter what he's hiding from you; it's the fact that he thinks it's okay to hide things. That is not a basis for a healthy relationship and I'm sure deep down that you know that.

The longer this goes on the more attached you will become and all the while you will be demonstrating to him that you will put up with treatment that you are unhappy with because losing him is not an option for you.

Give him fair warning and then go before you waste any more time on a situation that is already causing you pain; you're supposed to be in the blissful honeymoon stage now. Does this feel blissful to you now?

How do you think things are going to work when you get to the real heavy stuff life throws at you?

[lavenderdove]

I dated someone like this... We had lived in the same town for years, then he moved cross country for work. He started up an LDR with me because he travelled to the town i lived in a lot, which we carried on for years. I never went to his town because i had obligations in my own that made travel difficult, and we were both very busy with work.

 

After a whle i because suspicious when i once suggested i come visit him there and he got very nervous and full of excuses. I started doing some online research and discovered that he had married WHILE we were together, and had be married for 3 years! The woman he married was rich and he instantly had a great lifestyle with her because of it, but he still thought he could hang onto me too and keep us secret from each other because we lived so far apart and i couldn't travel.

 

So in cases where people disguise their jobs and living situations, it almost always means a wife or live in girlfriend. (Or they're a drug dealer or engaged in other criminal activities where they need whereabouts disgused). Neither of those is a good thing, and his secretive behavior means something is up, and it's not good and could be dangerous if he is engaged in criminal behavior, and sleazy if he is cheating on his wife and lying to you about being single.

 

In the world of cellphones and computers, he can be constantly contacting you while his wife is in the next room, or out at the store, or playing with the kids. And many hardened philanderers do things like carry two phones, one when they're with the other women, and one with the wife, and turn one or othe other off depending on who they are with.

[anggrace]

If he wants to be private, he has that right. I think you need to worry more about yourself. Instead of nagging him or trying to make him talk, I would back off of the relationship, drastically. No more "I love you" and no more visits. If we wonders why, just tell him that you're protecting yourself. That you don't think it's wise to get so deeply involved with someone who hides so much. Be mature about it. Nagging will get you no where.

[iBroken]

Ya, there are red flags all over this guy.

 

If he has no parents and has his own place, why is he paying for a hotel room for 12-13 days? Thats ridiculous?

 

Unless he lives with his G/F and tells her he is going on a business trip while he is with you?

 

Either way, this story doesnt add up, but as someone already said, we cant do the detective work for you.

[Unreasonable]

I wouldn't bother with this guy. He may not be married, hell, he may not even have a girlfriend, but I would bet anything he is trying to hide some aspect of his life (stability, background, etc) that you would not be happy about if you found out.

 

If he won't tell you where he works or where he lives it's probably because he doesn't want any surprise visits, if you know what I mean.

 

Either way, I think his secrecy has gone on long enough. I would say you cannot continue this relationship any longer as long as he feels like he needs to hide such basic information from you. It's not like your asking for his social security number or anything. If he still refuses, dump him.

[OneEskimO]

Okay we can definitely rule out the married thing because when we are together he NEVER turns his phone off and no one suspisious ever calls him. So if he was married I'd have noticed. Also we talk all hours of the day and night when he is home so I don't think anyone is living with him. I mean we send each other "sexy pics" all the time when he is home so I think married or gf living with him is def ruled out. BUT WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE???????? I KNOW THERES SOMETHING! And i'm so in love with him this hurts so much.

 

Reading your posting history kind of states differently. You've stated on a couple threads that your communication with him has significantly went downhill.

 

From the posting history I must truthfully say that I don't think where he lives or where he works should even matter at this point. He clearly has no respect for you. He talks down to you and the questioning when you're hanging out with your own guy friends.

 

You deserve better than this. Not someone who thinks it's okay to keep you in the dark and talk down to you. You're only 4 months in and already all of these fights and issues. Is this really worth the heartache?

[Sweetkisses22]

Reading your posting history kind of states differently. You've stated on a couple threads that your communication with him has significantly went downhill.

 

From the posting history I must truthfully say that I don't think where he lives or where he works should even matter at this point. He clearly has no respect for you. He talks down to you and the questioning when you're hanging out with your own guy friends.

 

You deserve better than this. Not someone who thinks it's okay to keep you in the dark and talk down to you. You're only 4 months in and already all of these fights and issues. Is this really worth the heartache?

 

 

We have our on and off days when we talk for hours and some days just texting. I know there is something wrong, most of you are correct about that. I'm going to address the issue one more time and if he still refuses i'm done. There is just too many things against him right now and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

[lavenderdove]

The guy who did this to me really tried to having that 'special' talking/texting relationship, even though he was married (and i didn't know it). I think he used me as an emotional safety valve, for whenever he was bored with the day to day domestic life with his wife, or had a fight with her, or just keeping me on the hook so he could have sexual variety and a 'double life' on the side to relieve marital boredom and perhaps the deficiencies in his marriage.

 

So really, regardless of why he is doing this, you want more than a phone and text buddy and someone whose 'other' life you have no clue what he is doing or who he is with. The fact that he has drawn a wall around his personal home/job is a really big red flag, since he probably doesn't want any chance you would contact him or his wife at home, or at work where they know he is married and would question why a single girl is calling him there or showing up. His desk at work is probably full of pictures of his family... lol

[Brigadoon]

We have our on and off days when we talk for hours and some days just texting. I know there is something wrong, most of you are correct about that. I'm going to address the issue one more time and if he still refuses i'm done. There is just too many things against him right now and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

 

I really do feel for you and I know how awful it is to ask a question here and hear these kinds of replies.

We really are trying to be impartial and tell you what we would tell friends of ours if they were in this situation but believe me we all know how much it must hurt to get this kind of advice.

I hope that when all this hurt has faded that you will meet someone who will treat you properly and be honest with you because that's the very least you deserve from a relationship; please don't forget that.

[Sweetkisses22]

I do apprciate everyones help and you are all right. I really just don't want to believe it because I do love him so much.

[MyNinja]

You seem like a pretty intelligent person. You know what patterns you see with this guy and you know what bothers you most about him.

 

After reading your post about him, he seems to have some control issues of some some sort and it seems to be confusing the heck out of you because your mind senses something weird and wrong despite how much your heart says you love him...its a conflict. Which one do you listen to! A relationship is suppose to be 50/50 (im sure you know this).....this looks more like 30/70 with him having emotional control over you and stringing you along for a ride that frankly, no one should have time for....the relationship is only 4 months old and it's already like this??? He has issues, my friend. Nothing wrong with you at all. He's hiding crucial elements of his life from you! I severly wonder why.

 

He says it's not important? If that was really the case then why is it such a big deal to him to where he won't provide you with that "unimportant" information when you ask? obviously, it's a VERY big deal to him and VERY important to him that you do not know! Who does things like this unless their whole life is a lie? Whether he's living a double life is anybody's guess, but most likely, whatever he is keeping from you, can't be anything good and i wouldn't stick around to find out. No wonder his past relationships failed. No one wants to be a detective of their spouse and wonder why they won't tell them basic things like where they live or work. What is he? A Werewolf or something?

 

But in all seriousness, please try not to sugarcoat what he's doing. It's totally unfair to you....give him an ultimatum and stick to it

[sidehop]

If you really want to find out the truth there are many sites that can find a person. It may be worth spending $40~$100 rather than finding out later he has a double life and more.

[Sweetkisses22]

I know this is very hard for anyone to believe but I really do love him. Although he hides things we do talk about a lot of important things and we do get along so well. I talked to him last night and told him he either tells me or I'm done. I'm giving him a week and I will not contact him for that whole week. I do want to save this relationship. I know he does love me, he shows it in other ways but I am aware he has many issues.

[Sweetkisses22]

And although many think he may be cheating I do not think so at all. Some things just don't add up to it. I think he is lying about owning his own house n that he is lyinh maybe about his job trying to make it more important than it is. He also told me he owned a camaro but then got rid of it to put a downpayment on sometime for his house. I think he trys to make himself up to be rich but in reality he is just like anyone else. I don't deny that it isn't possible he has a house but it could be in a family members name I'm thinking. He also told me he is thinking about selling his house now for a better one??

[annie24]

I think you're making excuses for him now. How can you have a relationship, especially a long distance relationship, without trust? if he is lying about his home, his car, his job, what else could he be lying about? i wouldn't just chalk this up to 'he wants to appear rich' because you don't know what else he could be lying about. he's 23. no one really expects a 23 year old to be rich, unless your parents have money. so why is he doing this? what is he lying about??

 

if i were you, i would ask him, right now, this very second. and if he didn't give me answers that made sense, i would leave him.

 

i dated a guy who suddenly had some strange things happening, and when i enquired, he told me i asked too many questions, and i never heard from him again. i later found out, his best friend told me he was still married.

[lavenderdove]

Of course you love him... you got attached to the man you THINK he is and is with YOU, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have a whole other life (including wife or live in girlfriend) that you know nothing about other than the fact that he refuses to tell you where he lives and works.

 

And even if he doesn't and is lying to make himself appear more wealthy, you just can't ignore the fact that he is lying, and big lies too... you can't trust someone who tell really big lies like this or refuse to let you have visibility into this life, even if you do love him. Love can't overcome large character defects or a secret life away from you.

 

He needs to come clean NOW and if he is just lying to exaggerate his status, then you need to tell him that lying of any kind is inappropriate and creates a wall between you and makes you distrust him, so if he does it again you are gone (and mean it).

 

And if he doesn't tell you where he lives or does have a wife/girlfriend, then it doesn't matter how much you love him, then he has a huge moral defect and is willing to warp the truth and deceive those closest to him to get what he wants. That isn't someone who will be able to have a successful long term relationship with anyone.

 

Also, don't underestimate that some of the most charming people on the planet are sociopathic con artists who are experts at manipulating people and getting them to fall in love with them. Some are just love thieves (juggling and breaking the hearts of multiple women) and others are that and worse, eventually stealing both women's hearts and their money/assets as well.

 

Just remember, you don't know where he lives or works, so he could steal your heart and assets and disappear in a second and you'd have no way of tracing him. So use your judgement and head as well as your heart when someone you are dating engages in any kind of shady behavior or lying. It may turn out to be a case where he is ashamed of his home/work and not something deeper than that like a hidden wife, but you can't ignore the fact he has shown the ability to lie and deceive.

[sidehop]

You can love the wrong person all you want. Annie is right, you're making excuses now and trying to either avoid seeing the bigger picture or the love for him is clouding your judgment.

[Sweetkisses22]

Hey everyone I really want to thank you for all your help. He contacted me and sent me an email of EVERYTHING. I had told him every reason that you guys told me and things I thought on my own of reasons why he needs to tell me. I said if he refuses to tell me then its because he's hiding something. Well he finally emailed me and told me everything but he was a little mad that it came down to this or I would have broken up with him. But he gave me the company name where its located. I looked online did some snooping around like everyone told me to and it was legit. He told the truth. He said that he will let me stay with him when I come visit him from now on too.

[annie24]

he was a little mad that it came down to this

 

???? HE was mad? oh hell no! it's totally shady what he is doing. i still wonder if he is hiding something for you. like the others said, if you have a house, why would you spend money on a hotel? i sure wouldn't.

[Sweetkisses22]

Yea he said he was mad because I didn't trust him.

[annie24]

something here still isn't right, and i don't know what. did you google his name? criminal records? you don't trust him with good reason.

[Sweetkisses22]

Well my step fathers a cop, when we first started talking he looked him up and found only minor things when he was in middle school, all of which he already told me about. Nothing else came up. He has shown me I'd before, I know he is who he says he is. His family and friends know who I am because when they call he uses my name and they say hi but I have never met them. Maybe he really is just a private person? The first time I visited him we both agreed to do a hotel because I wasn't comfortable sleeping at his house yet. As time went by he told me next time you should stay with me I said okay. Then when i planned to stay with him the next time he said he wasn't comfortable with it yet. So I said okay that's fine. But it just bothered me that he never let me go there ever. He told me one incident with his ex gf that he let her stay there one time n she just expected to always stay there and he doesn't like that?? So I don't know. All I know now I'd that his record is clean as far as I know (3months ago had it checked) and everything he told me checked out. Those were the only things I was suspious about.

[annie24]

telling someone where you work and where you live are pretty common things to come out by the 1st date. if not, the second or third. i don't think it's unreasonable at all to want to know after 4 months.

[Sweetkisses22]

Yea I agree with you too. I should have known before. I wouldn't have made a big deal about it unless he told me you know. He told me late but I'm just glad it was the truth. The second he told me I went on google to look everything up lol. Now I just gotta wait on the house thing. He said I'm welcome to stay there if I want to.

[Sweetkisses22]

I even went as far as calling the number of his company and asking them to transfer me to him and they said I had just missed him. I asked them if they had a number for him and they gave me the number that he had given me for emergencies. It was his work phone.