How should I deal with this abuser?

[blackgnat]

Well, an update has happened but of course I need some reality checks as I can't seem to see him as the person he has become. Last Saturday we had been drinking and getting along fine. We were sitting on the deck and I wanted to call my friend in Australia.We started to fight (my memory is cloudy here) and I think he must have punched me several times. He said I attacked him first and he had to subdue me. The next day, my face was swollen so I went to the ER to see if my cheek or jaw was broken. I ended up having a bleed on my brain and spent 3 days in the Intensive care unit. I still didn't want to press charges, as I thought he'd be remorseful, but he police arrested him and he's now in jail until October 19th, when the judge will decide his fate. I can't bear to think of him in there. WHy am I so dysfucntional with this kid? I feel like I provoked it by being confrontational (this was typical of me) but he didn't need to hit me that hard. I have bruised )green) face, 2 black eyes and the whites of my eyes are red. It was apparently an equvalent blow to falling down a light of stairs. I wonder if I did that-or am I still doing the victim thing? the nurse said I was punched very hard and it's the kind of injury that makes football players have to retire. So why do I still feel so conflicted? I didn't even call the cops-the hsoptial did it for me.... Just wanted to give an update on any one who followed my story-all comments are welcome.

[lavenderdove]

He pummels you until you have a brain bleed and you can't stand the thought that he is in jail? Honey, you need to get to a domestic abuse counselor quick to save your own life and quit worrying about a person who would do this to a woman... he obviously isn't the least bit worried about you or he wouldn't do such a thing...

 

It is very normal for people who have serious head trauma to forget the time period surrounding the injury... so i doubt you fell down a flight of stairs. 'Subduing' you doesn't involve pummeling you so badly your brain bleeds. Police and hospitals are very experienced at recognizing the signs of someone who has been beaten, and that is why they arrested him. You should trust them on this, and reocgnize that he belongs in jail, and it is GOOD for him to take the consequences of his bad behavior in the hopes that he won't do it again, to you or someone else.

 

Don't shield or defend him, or you're just approving of his bad behavior. You're just lucky he didn't kill you, which he might if you let this continue. I think it is time for you to recognize how dangerous he is, and that you need to protect yourself from him. Perhaps he does need time in jail or court ordered therapy to try to get him under control. But make no mistake that he is very dangerous to you, and you need to not allow him into your home or life until he's shown some real evidence that he can control himself.

 

btw, get some therapy for yourself, you say things like 'he didn't need to hit me that hard,' when the truth is he didn't need to hit you at all! You also need to learn that provoking someone so obviously dangerous is not in your best interests, so you need to stop drinking and work on getting control of your own temper.

[avman]

blackgnat I can only reiterate the advice I've already given you. You continue to be unwilling to make the tough decisions and therefore nothing changes. The abuse continues, he continues to be violent, and your life continues to be in danger. Until you are willing to do something different he'll just keep on pummeling you until you die.

 

Get into therapy. Press charges against him (although many communities don't even wait for the victim anymore because of this very situation). Let the judge force him into treatment. And you move on with your life in a healthy way.

[blackgnat]

@avman-please don't think I'm disrespecting your sterling advice by not having done anything different. I've been in so much denial and taking so many chances with my safety in the hopes that something would change for the better. I'm very fortunate that I was not more seriously hurt or murdered before the penny dropped. Really, is that what it would have taken? I wouldn't have even been around to see it! And @ lavenderdove-thanks for your comments-I really have been the most incredible idiot and your intelligent synopsis makes me see how stupid I've been. I'm ashamed. I promise I'm calling the national domestic violence hotline and am going to make an appointment to begin counselling.

 

Thanks for your comments-I truly appreciate them.

[lavenderdove]

I'm glad you're taking that first step... i know it is hard, but you need to be strong in order to both protect yourself, and to stop rationalizing for your son who so obviously needs to start taking responsibility for his bad behavior and pay the price for his actions, for no other reason than he needs to learn if he behaves violently towards you or others, he will not go unpunished (and hence a deterrent to him doing it again).

[avman]

I promise I'm calling the national domestic violence hotline and am going to make an appointment to begin counselling

 

Excellent. I'm very happy to see you take that important first step. I think once you get into some counseling and talk to others who have been through the same thing it will really open your eyes to what is happening.

[turnera]

but he didn't need to hit me that hard

 

blackgnat, do you realize how ABSURD this sounds? Not even in a movie would any family be this screwed up.

 

The thing is, some men just simply BELONG in prison or in a mental hospital. Some men simply are psychotic or just plain bad.

[blackgnat]

Yeah, I know how absurd it sounds. There's something very wrong with my thought patterns.

 

He is still in jail, with a No Contact order in place. With the exception of 2 people, everyone I've told has said I shouldn't feel sad about it but I do. He is still my child. If and when he gets out, I cannot have him live with me, so things will never be the same-the nice things, I mean. I won't have access to all the things I've loved about him.

[rachinohio]

Yeah, I know how absurd it sounds. There's something very wrong with my thought patterns.

 

He is still in jail, with a No Contact order in place. With the exception of 2 people, everyone I've told has said I shouldn't feel sad about it but I do. He is still my child. If and when he gets out, I cannot have him live with me, so things will never be the same-the nice things, I mean. I won't have access to all the things I've loved about him.

 

I have been following your posts and checking for your updates. I can only pray that I am NEVER walking a mile in your shoes. My grandmother died at 84 after loving 3 of her drug addicted son's to death by not putting her her foot down. She gave them what they wanted and thought they needed out of guilt because my grandfather had a stroke when they were younger and most of her attention went to being his caregiver. It was the saddest thing I have ever seen happen in life.

 

I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and I want you to think about loving your son so much that you won't love him or yourself to death. You both deserve better then that..

[blackgnat]

Rachinohio, thank you SO much!

[blackgnat]

Rahinohio, Sorry, I kinda got cut off there.... the idea that someone has been following my story is like a virtual hug...I HONESTLY understand how wrong it all is, but thank you for being supportive!

 

There's no way I can say I'm "fixed", even tho he's still in jail and supposedly safe. I know that nothing will ever be the same if and when he gets out. It makes me so sad that I have had to give up the dream of the happy family. This is what I grew up with and wanted for my kids and I could NOT have done anything worse to make it more destructive...

[abitbroken]

When he comes out, he CANNOT come to your home. When he is out of jail, there are hospitals and homes where someone is monitoring his meds and he cannot be stepped down to a more normal environment until he proves he can and wants to take his meds. The only thing that is appropriate to do is to make sure he is in the psych ward versus just in a cell where he is getting the care he needs. If he comes up for parole, I would testify against him and in favor of a different placement. I would change the locks on your house NOW just in case any of his old buddies have your key and so he cannot get back in. I would also consider moving if you live in an apartment or if you have a home, move and rent it out. He is not someone where you can appeal to his better nature, if he gets out he very well could kill you.

[abitbroken]

You CAN have a happy family with extended family and your younger child.

[turnera]

Thank you for letting us know. You WILL be better. Go ahead and grieve.

[rachinohio]

Rachinohio, thank you SO much!

 

As I said, I couldn't imagine what it must be like to walk in your shoes. I wish I could give you a big hug as I am sure that you need it. You have got some very good advise here and some that may be the exact opposite of what you feel and believe to be the best thing for your son. Please take a few a go back through it, weed out the steps that you absolutely know aren't possible for you, (i.e- keeping him in jail and never speaking to him again) then go back through and mark out the advise that has been given that you have already tried, and then see what's left. Maybe give that a try. Because as much as you love him and want the best for him, what the two of you have been doing to this point hasn't been working, so it's time for a new approach!

 

Forgive me if you have already stated (I have 5 kids and hence a very short memory) But if he has or ends up with a probation officer, make them your number one resource, keep contact with them and maybe the law will work these things out for your son, it did for my dad for about 10 years. He made the mistake of thinking he was cured and no longer needed meds and went back to self medicating. I know that just because your child becomes an adult or makes even major mistakes, our love doesn't stop, but because of his issues he needs tough love, before you lose the battle all together.

 

Have you started working on your own issues? Drinking and co-dependency go hand in hand in a lot of cases, I can see from your posts that you love BOTH of your children, please make your younger son's future your priority now to, before you have two very ill, very addicted son's. The younger one will follow the older one's footsteps, because we teach other people how to treat us, and he is seeing what you will go through for your children, and right now, it's not a pretty lesson. Maybe get the younger boy into therapy in advance of him acting out.

 

We are here for ya, please keep us updated and take care of you, so you can start taking care of everything else with a clear, rested and open mind. Most important, try to start the healing process from the abuse, you deserve to smile again

[blackgnat]

Rach, u r an angel and I totally am taking everything you say on board-I usually take a while to process information, it's the way I learn...

 

Today I got a message from the State Attorney's office to say that he did a deal with them and has plead guilty to the Domestic Battery charge. Because of this, the petition to revoke (from his heroin charge) will be withdrawn. I SOOOOOO feared this-I felt I could handle the idea of jail, but NOT prison-and really, everything I've done-EVERY mistake I've made, every unforgivable action I've engaged in, etc. has been because of my fear that he would end up in prison.

 

However, because he plead guilty to the charge, the heroin thing is withdrawn, he got a 12 month conditional discharge, they did NOT ask for more jail time, so he is being released this evening! He has to attend domestic violence counselling, drug and alcohol evaluation (who do they think is going to pay for this?)classes-yeah, right, what are they gonna tell him? don't drink, dont use, dont hit....

 

So he might be on his way to my house ....

[avman]

So he might be on his way to my house ....

 

Then get an order for protection. Right now. He needs to stay away from your home and from you until he's received a lot of treatment.

[turnera]

Call the police RIGHT NOW and tell them you're afraid.

 

If you don't do this, I am going to be furious with you. I'm serious. YOU WERE IN INTENSIVE CARE BECAUSE HE IS AN ANIMAL. DO NOT LET HIM IN YOUR HOUSE.

 

Lock the doors and put chairs up underneath the door knobs. NOW.

[rachinohio]

I certainly hope that he didn't come to your house last night, however if he did, please let us know that you are OK.

[turnera]

Update please?

[blackgnat]

I am okay and he did come back-behavior was okay at first but now has gone back to starting to drink (dont know where he's getting the money from) and drug. Stole a bunch of xanax from me two days ago. Am staying at a friends house but will be going back home tonight. No support from ex husband, except for the fact that he's willing to buy our son a one way ticket to anywhere in the world. My son likes that idea, but needs about a week to think about it...It cant' go on like this at all. He went from having a No Contact order with me, to being back in the house within 12 hours. It's not looking good.

[HeartGoesOn]

Why did you allow him back into your home?

[avman]

Why did you allow him back into your home?

 

Ditto from me. Why are you not getting a no contact order against him? Why are you continuing to simply put up with this?

[mistygrl092]

Well, I've read this thread and must say I am quite concerned about this.

 

I understand the dynamics of drinking when around your son as I was with an abuser and drank a lot over that situation (although not one who would have killed me), but the people in this thread have given you sound advice.

 

First, I must say you need to change the locks of your house. You can explain to him that you must save yourself before you can be of any value to him (I say this and it's both true and a way to soften the blow to him yet protect yourself. He may get ticked off over this, but it may make sense to him to). Let's not forget the FACT you spent time in ICU over this person. Yes, he is your child, but you are dealing with a child who needs SERIOUS help and can't get it if you keep letting him in your house. As to the no contact order, I have mixed feelings, as I used to work at a domestic violence shelter. Sometimes this backfires. Sometimes this works. At least change the locks and keep your house locked at all times. Do NOT answer the door. It's ok to not answer the door. I never answer mine. If you have a garage, keep your car in the garage (I still fear that my former abuser might pop over some day so my car is always in the garage. He can't tell if I'm home this way. I also keep all the blinds drawn in my house). If he gets violent and doesn't just go away call 911 immediately. Also, you need to call some sort of crisis line and explain the circumstances and talk to a professional. I don't think any of us are professionals here (and my apologies if I am wrong).

 

There are homeless shelters available (in most major cities) and your son could benefit by staying in one of them. Where I live we have a campus for the homeless where they do receive services from caseworkers. Leave this one to professionals. They know how to deal with both the seriously mentally ill and drug populations and have resources to help them. You worry about YOU at this point. Get some help for YOU.

 

If you're dead, you can't help him and he WILL go to prison for a very long time. Not as much help in prison as to be found if he went to a homeless shelter (I am thinking if your city is anything like my city). I used to volunteer at one and know people who DO help people like your son and they work right next door to the shelter and deal with these people on a regular basis.

 

If there is any way I can help (I can make phone calls and know the system where I live very well and I imagine could call social services in your area to see about shelters and the like and, of course, all in confidentiality), just PM me. Take care.

[mistygrl092]

Too late for me to edit, but one thing I do want to emphasize is that you are in SERIOUS danger here. I want to stress that. In my case, the abuser had a LOT to lose if he would have pursued things against me (and he once told me that the only thing that kept him from shooting the mother of his daughter is that he would have gone to jail and his daughter wouldn't have either parent. I was crazy to even stay with him after he told me this. And this was all over the fact this woman kept contacting his family of origin. Oh, and he doesn't drink or use drugs). He made a vague threat to me (and had damaged my property once) and that's all it took for me to change my locks (I had one of those deadbolts where if the glass were smashed in all one would have to do was to reach in and flip the deadbolt, so I changed it to a deadbolt that requires a key).

 

I don't know what your son has to lose if he were to do more than he's already done to you. If he has nothing to lose, you're in even more serious danger. Only you really know your son. If you believe a restraining order is the way to go, please get one. If you haven't gone on the record with the police, do so today. At least if the time comes (hopefully not) that you'd ever have to call 911 it will be on file.

 

I do not want to see you become a statistic.