How should I deal with this abuser?

[turnera]

Why can you not tell him he has to leave?

[rachinohio]

I am okay and he did come back-behavior was okay at first but now has gone back to starting to drink (dont know where he's getting the money from) and drug. Stole a bunch of xanax from me two days ago. Am staying at a friends house but will be going back home tonight. No support from ex husband, except for the fact that he's willing to buy our son a one way ticket to anywhere in the world. My son likes that idea, but needs about a week to think about it...It cant' go on like this at all. He went from having a No Contact order with me, to being back in the house within 12 hours. It's not looking good.

 

I think everyone here is concerned about you. We are trying to show you that someone cares and will be here to help you through doing what is in your best interests. I just don't think you want that at this point. I am starting to think you get s payoff from his behavior, what it is I cannot for the life of me figure it out, but my step-father abused my mother growing while I was growing up, she left him when I turned 25 and in therapy she admitted that she stayed because after the abuse he showed her "how much he really loved her"

 

So what do you get from your son being in your home making you a hostage? what payoff do you get from letting a grown man back into your home after he puts you in ICU?

 

I could be way off here, but i am beyond understanding how you let things escalate to the point that it did and do NOTHING when he starts taking you back down the road that almost got you killed.

 

Please understand my words are coming from a place of caring. Trying to make you open your eyes, call his PO without him knowing if you have to, they will lock him up in jail and you will know that both of you are safe.

 

Please keep us updated

[mistygrl092]

No doubt it's hard to kick your son out. That is why I suggested changing the locks and telling him in advance. The whole situation is very "challenging."

 

I, you, others can talk until we're blue in the face, but the OP has to take action. I just hope the OP chooses the right action - which is to protect herself first.

[trezz]

are you a parent to your younger child ......

[blackgnat]

I appreciate all the replies and concerns. I honestly DO NOT know why I feel like this and act this way. It's like I can'r reconcile the two people-the son that I love and the one who made my brain bleed.

 

Payoff? I don't know about that. I know I need lots of counselling. I;m thinking that it stems from having grown up with a schizophrenic brother-we were programmed to protect him and deny and push feelings to the deepest part of ourselves in an effort to deal with daily life with him. That makes sense to me, that I'm repeating the learned behaviour with my son-like I promised I would never abandon him. And I feel like I am.

 

SOOOOOO dysfunctional. Not even me!

 

Anyway, tomorrow I am putting him on a train and he is staying with his father for a couple of nights, then joining a friend who is travelling around the country, living on the streets, etc. I have no idea how it'll pan out-I don't think he has what it takes. It's not going to have a happy ending. He said he doesn't want me to allow him to come home-I won't have a problem with that.

 

I will not be living in fear any more. Anxiety for his welfare, yes. But it's just too scary and dangerous for me to live like this.

 

Thanks for all replies!

[rachinohio]

SOOOOOO dysfunctional. Not even me!

 

Anyway, tomorrow I am putting him on a train and he is staying with his father for a couple of nights, then joining a friend who is travelling around the country, living on the streets, etc. I have no idea how it'll pan out-I don't think he has what it takes. It's not going to have a happy ending. He said he doesn't want me to allow him to come home-I won't have a problem with that.

 

I will not be living in fear any more. Anxiety for his welfare, yes. But it's just too scary and dangerous for me to live like this.

 

Thanks for all replies!

 

I was so glad to read this, I realize that it's going to be hard for you to be OK with him being gone. However, it sounds like he knows that living in your home is NOT good for him. Maybe this is a step in the right direction for him. Maybe he is starting to realize that he needs to mature and be independent. This can go two ways, he could become independent and do what he needs to do to start building a life for himself, some people cannot do that if their crutch is there to fall back on. His simply removing the crutch by asking you to not let him come back home, or he may end up with no contact with you, and you really need to prepare yourself for both so you aren't in shock when either of them happens.

 

Now it is time for you to try to focus on YOU and your other child, I am sure he hasn't had the attention that he needs and deserves with all of this mess. It will take some time but you need to start taking care of you. Your son is an adult now and you know that you cannot control what he does or what happens in his life, you can only control you, so do just that. Maybe look into some medication for depression and anxiety, you definitely need to stop drinking, that isn't helping anyone involved, time to be a good role model..

 

I am glad that things are changing for the better in your situation. It sounds like it's been a long, hard and bumpy road for you, now you can begin to heal

[blackgnat]

Yes, I DO need to parent my younger son-the older one has always had more attention, usually because of his negative actions. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him and really listening to what he has to say. He always tended to stay in his room or isolated away from the family space because of my older son being there and dominating the conversation...

 

Plus I'd like to share that I am on a tablet called Antabuse, which produces extremely unpleasant reactions when alcohol is in the body. It's a deterrent and yes, probably a crutch, but has so far given me 10 days of sobriety and I'll take that. It's really important for me to stop depleting my resources by imbibing-too many problems develop, on every level, otherwise...

 

Again, thanks to all-I will keep you posted on any updates. I'm sure with this level of dysfunction it's not the end of it all and there will be many challenges ahead.

 

I keep feeling that I'm sending him to his death...he's not ready for this at all....but to be honest, his level of drinking is ridiculous. Right now it's only 9pm and he's been passed out for an hour, after inviting friends over to say goodbye. He's gonna wake up and want booze and there isn't any. He's gonna have a hangover and not be packed for his trip. See how my mind works? I need help!

[trezz]

what age is your younger son.

is he doing well. you are right to focus on him.

he may decide that being quiet,non abusive (maybe wrong there maybe he's more like his role models?) is getting him nowhere and start or continue addictive/abusive behaviours.

if he is not abusive now caring for him now may prevent abusive behaviours.

you may have good intentions, i think you are strong enough to recognise that outside support for him is essential, do you have access to outside help that he will take part in.

[blackgnat]

OMG. First I get a text from my younger son saying his brother is too drunk to get in the car, Then I get a call to say they're on their way to the station. Then I get a call from my older son to say they wouldn't let him on the train because of his glassy eyes. And that he has been robbed. His backpack, money, ticket and passport are all gone.

 

I am at my limit. we can try this again tomorrow, but he needs id to get on the train...its hopeless.

[truegrit]

I was married at one time to a heroin addict also married to an alcoholic and have raised 4 children......2 of them boys that were not angels as teens early 20's. Considering these things I am verrrrrrry skeptical of anything an addicted and rather dysfunctional person tells me. I totally believe your son does NOT want to go on this trip and is making up the story about being robbed to get your sympathy and to work his way back into your home/good graces. Please don't fall for the trap!

[blackgnat]

I DID wonder that myself and a friend I called thinks he absolutely sabotaged it. But to sacrifice the $ and his passport? Isnt that too extreme?

[truegrit]

He probably is just telling you that he doesn't have the passport and maybe spent the money on the booze. This way he can get more money from you or his dad or ? I don't mean to be the devils advocate here but it's just what I think. At least think about it.

[turnera]

Change your locks and tell him he has to deal with it.

 

And get your younger son to Alateen so he can learn to stop blaming himself and stop being a Giver. He's going to need real help for this.

[rachinohio]

Change your locks and tell him he has to deal with it.

 

And get your younger son to Alateen so he can learn to stop blaming himself and stop being a Giver. He's going to need real help for this.

 

Where did she say her younger son blamed himself?

[turnera]

That's what younger siblings do in such cases. They become Enablers and Givers.

[rachinohio]

Update please! I for one get concerned when you haven't posted in a few days. Just let us know that your OK.

[blackgnat]

Thanks for your concerns-I am okay.

 

Older son is not drinking and is withdrawing, with all the horrible symptoms and this brings peace to the house. He is a different person when not drinking. I still want him to leave, though. We'll address that when he's better.

 

Younger son would not consider Alateen, but I appreciate the suggestion.

 

Still working on it all. Thanks.

[turnera]

bg, do you have ANY sway over people in your house? Or do they do what they want and you just go along with it?

 

Why are you not just driving him to where he needs to go and dropping him off?

 

Do you realize you're teaching your younger son to abuse women?

 

PLEASE get some help on this! The man almost killed you. And you allow him in your home?

 

What will you do if he 'has a problem' and starts beating his brother?

 

What exactly is 'better'?

[blackgnat]

I guess "they just do what they want and I go along with it." This comment really makes me feel like a worthless individual.

 

Where does he "need to go"? I don't know.

 

I'm not teaching my younger son any such thing. He is completely different from my bipolar son. My older son doesn't even touch his brother, who eats healthily, works out consistently and is taller and stronger than he is.

 

I understand you are frustrated with my posts and can't see where I'm coming from, so I'm going to stop posting.

 

I can't deal with this kind of criticism.

 

Thanks for all the support.

[turnera]

I'm sorry for upsetting you. I'm pretty blunt, unfortunately. But I say what I feel like you need to hear. You know yourself that you are in an awful situation. And your younger son is watching his brother beat the crap out of his own mother, bad enough to put her in ICU, while he stands back and is scared witless that his mom may die, and he feels powerless and hates himself for not being able to DO something. Please do some research about how children deal with situations like this, and how abusers become abusers. It's not just because someone hits them. It's because of what happens in their home.

 

bg, I DO know how hard this is for you. I DO know how hard it is to be the 'bad guy' in the family and have to do hard things, when all you want is for your family to be whole again. But sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we have to make hard decisions, and may even make our loved ones 'hate' us, in order to help them. It's like giving up a baby for adoption. If you love the baby enough, and you can't care for it, the LOVING thing to do is to let someone else love that baby.

 

If you love your son, HELP him by no longer enabling his addiction to alcohol and rage. And stay alive for your other son.