Getting older and discouraged

[Jennyju]

Hi everybody. This topic is for the older people on this site (post-20s, if there are any, LOL). Maybe you can relate and give me your thoughts.

 

I'm 39, never married. I've been working on a career since college, and getting over some emotional scars from my childhood. I've been in relationships off and on. But lately, I've been feeling regretful that I never actively tried to get married. It's as though I am waking up and suddenly realizing my best chances for finding someone compatible and settling down are gone. I look at people in their 20s and think, "I wish I had paid attention back then..."

 

I like my life, but this sense of lost opportunity is depressing -- I can't do anything about being 39 and out of the "desirable" age range for marriage. It's something I haven't had to deal with before. I'd appreciate any help in handling it. Thanks a lot!

[bleeder]

Hi Jenny,

 

I understand your sentiments. But I do not wish for you to be stuck in a rut thinking about "what I could have done back then". True, time does not make us any younger, but it's important for you to cherish the moment.

 

A word spoken, becomes the past as soon as it is said. That's how fleeting time is. Do not spend your life looking back for "what ifs", but enjoy the present. Learn to be happy, even alone. As much as humans are social beings, we do not necessarily need another person to make us complete. Take your time to find the right one.

 

Is it not better to be alone than to be with the wrong partner? Think about it. Take care.

[CarterJonas]

Hi Jennyju.

 

I'm 26 and have last year come out of a 6 year relationship. I am currently doing the casual dating thing, nothing serious, when some of my friends are settled in long term relatonships or even married.

 

I don't think there is a problem with with being single at 39. As you say there is nothing you can do about your age so why worry about it. I also know of many people around your age whom are currently single. They have been casually dating like yourself, but never married, others have married but are now divorced.

 

Since you can't change the past its more important to concerntrate on the future. Go out to different places, meet new people, take up a hobby...etc.

 

You are bound to meet new and interesting people and possible future partners.

 

Take care.

[medtranusa]

Don't feel bad about being single. You can definitely still meet someone and get married. My sisters and I have all been divorced now and have found new partners. They are out there. Just be glad you are not a 3-time loser like me and I am 42. I plan on staying single for now because there is no time line. My sisters are both older than me and one is in a new committed relationship and the other is just dating. It also seems that it is in these days for younger guys to go out with older woman. Have some fun and get out there. Check out internet dating. I did it for a while and went out a few times but no sparks.

[Jennyju]

Hi again everybody. It's so nice to read your replies, it helps me feel I am not alone. You're saying that I can still find a nice guy out there, and I appreciate that. Medtran, thank you for sharing your story. I'm sure you are not a 'loser', maybe just had a few unlucky turns. Since you are forging ahead, so will I. Bleeder and CarterJonas, you are right. There's always a bright side, and I can't worry about the past, just live today. I'll try to do that. Thanks again for your reassuring advice.

 

 

[sweetapples]

Jennyju, you may not be 20 anymore but that just means that you are unlikely to meet people that are in their 20's. However there is bound to be plenty of eligable single men similar age to yourself. The important thing is your realisation that you need to be more aware of future opportunites. Good luck

[Celadon]

Jennyju, look on the bright side. People of all ages get together, even 80 year olds! Life changes as we age, but there's no saying that it gets worse. It's just different. Take care.

[Jennyju]

Thanks for caring enough to reply!

 

I agree, Sweetapples, it's not the past that matters, but the future. I like how you said future "opportunities" -- that's what I want! And I do want to be ready for them. Time for an attitude adjustment, I guess.

 

 

[Greenlee]

Jennyju,

 

I am near your age and have gone through that state of mind until my frineds tell me to snap out of it.

 

It's a "numbers game"!!!

 

You figure that 3 out of 4 people are divorced in the USA. So you've got to figure your dating pool is going to of course comprise of divorced guys with children.. That's the dating pool and the reality. Sure you'll meet young guys but the mariage material out there is in the form of most likely a divorcee. That's okay. Most guys that have been married find it harder to be single again than women. Statistics show that most women initiate divorce and stay single for the freedom aspect. thereforeeee there have got to be datable men out there just waiting for you!

 

The trick is to go where the guys will be.. Sporting events, ballgames, take up golfing, skiiing, etc....

[Jennyju]

Greenlee, thanks for your perspective. I'm glad I'm not the only one who has felt this way. I think your advice to "go where the guys are" makes a lot of sense. I've always stayed away from golf and sports, but maybe there might be a reason for taking an interest now ... lol. Thanks again!

[Scout]

Date younger guys, too. First of all, they're just plain fun. Second of all, sounds like you could use a little ego boost. Nothing like dating a younger guy for that! Have fun - you're not old. From what I hear, the 40's are now considered the "new 30's." Yippeee!!!

[Jennyju]

Scout, about dating younger guys, it sounds like you are speaking from experience. Are you?

I agree with your "Yippee!!", if the 40s are the new 30s, I'll be feeling much happier. Thanks!

[shes2smart]

Jennyju -

 

I am 40. The thought of marriage as something desirable didn't even cross my mind til I was 36 or 37. Once I KNEW that was what I wanted, it made evaluating potential dates much easier. I met my now-husband online and we got married when I was 38. Just celebrated our 2 year anniversary a couple days ago. He was definitely worth the wait...and he is 11 years younger than me.

 

If you are truly ready for that kind of commitment and you are clear that marriage is what you want, it will happen.

 

~s2s

[Jennyju]

Wow s2s, you are an inspiration to me! I Do know that it is what I want. Can I ask which online service it was? You can pm me if you would want to keep it private.

[shes2smart]

Jennyju-

 

I was just farting around on yahoo chat. He had been browsing yahoo member profiles (not thru yahoo personals, just in the member database), ran accross mine, saw we had some of the same interests and that we lived in the same general area, so he IM'ed me and started a conversation.

 

Have you heard the saying "when the student is ready the teacher appears"? It was a lot like that.

 

In the interim, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself -- creating a full life regardless if there's someone there to share it at the moment, and treating yourself how you would want a significant other to treat you. We attract who and what we are. If you treat yourself with kindness, love and respect, you will attract someone who will treat you that way, too. If you treat yourself like the precious soul you are, you will attract someone who will treat you that way, too.

 

~s2s

[Jennyju]

"Precious soul".... I like that a lot. You really are 2smart!

Seriously. Thanks for giving me encouragement. I do forget I am a precious soul. Particularly when other people don't treat me like that. I think I'll write those words down and post it in my cubicle.