Depressed After Losing Virginity

[ToesNtheWater]

I'm 21 years old and lost my virginity last night to a 30 year old man I've been dating for a month. If you've read any of my other threads, you know we met at the beach and spent a week sleeping in the same bed. Because we got to know each other so quickly, we're very physically comfortable with each other. We had done sexual things before, but had never actually had sex. He doesn't express his feelings verbally. He told me that he hadn't cried since he was 10. But he calls or texts me numerous times everyday, pays for my meals on our dates, makes me laugh and loves to kiss and cuddle. There is a great spark, and we have a lot in common. But I started to cry after we finished, and I really felt kind of emotionally let down. I wanted to kiss and say "I love you" but we're just not there yet. He held me and tried to make me laugh, but it wasn't the same.

 

He doesn't even want to put a label on our relationship. He said he just wants to enjoy our time together. He also hasn't told his family about me yet. I don't know how to feel about that. We live two hours apart. He's a high school teacher and coaches three sports. So it'll be harder to see each other once school starts back. He hinted at the fact that he thinks I'll leave him when he gets busy with all his work. I think that's a big part of the reason he's not rushing into labeling us and introducing me to his family. However, I'm aware of his schedule and ready to work around it. I'll be student teaching in a few weeks, so I'll be busy too. I don't have a problem only seeing him on the weekends.

 

He's a good guy, and I can't blame him for not confessing his undying love for me after a month. I just expected so much more. When will this lonely, unloved feeling go away?

[De Lorean]

I just expected so much more. When will this lonely, unloved feeling go away?

 

Could you expand on what you did expect?

 

Honestly, I'm struggling to understand why you feel this way atm. From what you wrote, things look okay. You don't have to answer this, but do you think you may be suffering from depression?

[ToF]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way We always hope for this to be such an amazing experience, right? I hate to hear that you were let down.

 

He doesn't even want to put a label on our relationship. He said he just wants to enjoy our time together. He also hasn't told his family about me yet. I don't know how to feel about that.

 

This^^ is a HUGE red flag. You need to be extremely careful with this one. In fact, I'd be downright suspicious. "Enjoying your time together"? What does that even mean, exactly?? That is WAY to vague for me. It sounds as though he's very happy enjoying the physical closeness you two have, but isn't planning on taking it further. You just gave him an incredible gift, so you DESERVE to know where you stand with this man. I would be pissed if I were you.

 

Also, are you ABSOLUTELY, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sure that he's not married? Or committed in some way? Just something to think about ...

 

-Twist

[ToesNtheWater]

Could you expand on what you did expect?

 

Honestly, I'm struggling to understand why you feel this way atm. From what you wrote, things look okay. You don't have to answer this, but do you think you may be suffering from depression?

 

I'm not depressed. I think I was a bit idealistic about the whole thing. I always thought I'd wait until I was married and be with a man who was very in love with me. I kind of thought he'd be ready to connect on a deeper emotional level after we had sex.

[ToesNtheWater]

Also, are you ABSOLUTELY, beyond a shadow of a doubt, sure that he's not married? Or committed in some way? Just something to think about ...

 

-Twist

 

I'm sure he doesn't. He's in my brother's group of friends, so a lot of people I know also know him very well. I think he's just waiting to see if we last when things get busy. At least I hope that's what the hold up is. Can you imagine anything lower than using your best friend's little sister? Last week, he told me he felt like he won the lottery when I agreed to be exclusive with him. And he's assured me that it isn't just physical, but it's killing me that he's dragging his feet on an emotional commitment.

[ToF]

I'm sure he doesn't. He's in my brother's group of friends, so a lot of people I know also know him very well. I think he's just waiting to see if we last when things get busy. At least I hope that's what the hold up is. Can you imagine anything lower than using your best friend's little sister? Last week, he told me he felt like he won the lottery when I agreed to be exclusive with him. And he's assured me that it isn't just physical, but it's killing me that he's dragging his feet on an emotional commitment.

You already lowered your standards by giving your virginity to him (harsh I know, but true), so I think you need to really think before you risk anything else on this man. Have a talk with him, maybe?

 

If this is killing you after a month, then there is something wrong here.

[Vince99]

This is why you aren't supposed to have sex with someone you aren't in love with, and who isn't in love with you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds to me your depression has to do with the fact that you had sex with him and that didn't entice him to commit. This is a lesson that many women have to learn that having sex prior to being in an official relationship doesn't mean that the guy will suddenly want to be official.

 

He hinted at the fact that he thinks I'll leave him when he gets busy with all his work. I think that's a big part of the reason he's not rushing into labeling us and introducing me to his family.

 

I think that was him trying to say that this is all fun for now but he doesn't want to spare the time having an official relationship because he will be too busy. It is NOT that he is afraid you will leave...it is because he doesn't want an official commitment because he wants his freedom. You chose to get very sexual with him and ultimately sleep with him when he has made no commitment to you...you could have chosen to wait until he decided he actually wanted a solid relationship with you.

[De Lorean]

I know I've already posted here, but some of the replies seem a bit harsh and based on radical speculation. Personally, I don't see where these accusations of him using you for sex are coming from. If he were the "player" sort of guy, he would not have waited a month to have sex with you, plus crying after would have completely killed whatever interest he had if his motivations were shallow.

 

Sit down with him and have a talk about what you've been thinking. Let him tell you his side of the story. At least you'll have the opportunity to know exactly where you stand with each other and can make decisions from there.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I know I've already posted here, but some of the replies seem a bit harsh and based on radical speculation. Personally, I don't see where these accusations of him using you for sex are coming from. If he were the "player" sort of guy, he would not have waited a month to have sex with you, plus crying after would have completely killed whatever interest he had if his motivations were shallow.

 

Sit down with him and have a talk about what you've been thinking. Let him tell you his side of the story. At least you'll have the opportunity to know exactly where you stand with each other and can make decisions from there.

 

For players, the thrill is in the chase. Also, he only had to wait a month for vaginal penetration but they were already very sexually active with each other from the get go. There was definitely seduction going on here. Since sexual activity was already happening very early on, he knew it would only be a matter of time. She is 9 years younger and a virgin so a nice notch on his bedpost. Just because he was comforting when she cried doesn't mean he is not a player. Comforting someone when they are crying is a completely separate issue. The bottom line is that he has no interest in having an official relationship with her and made all kind of excuses as to why not.

[De Lorean]

For players, the thrill is in the chase. Also, he only had to wait a month for vaginal penetration but they were already very sexually active with each other from the get go. There was definitely seduction going on here. Since sexual activity was already happening very early on, he knew it would only be a matter of time. She is 9 years younger and a virgin so a nice notch on his bedpost. Just because he was comforting when she cried doesn't mean he is not a player. Comforting someone when they are crying is a completely separate issue. The bottom line is that he has no interest in having an official relationship with her and made all kind of excuses as to why not.

 

You're being a bit absolutist now. You don't know this man at all, yet you're very eager to label him a user, with no actual evidence I might add. There is a chance you're completely right about him, but that would be luck, not insight.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You're being a bit absolutist now. You don't know this man at all, yet you're very eager to label him a user, with no actual evidence I might add. There is a chance you're completely right about him, but that would be luck, not insight.

 

Nobody has any evidence of anything on this forum. There are always exceptions to rules...but generally one can look at certain behaviour patterns and make educated guesses as to what will happen..that is indeed insight not luck.

[ToesNtheWater]

You're being a bit absolutist now. You don't know this man at all, yet you're very eager to label him a user, with no actual evidence I might add. There is a chance you're completely right about him, but that would be luck, not insight.

 

So I'm hearing two things. He is either a user or just being a guy. I realize (several hours too late) that physical comfort with someone is no substitution for emotional security. Part of it is natural post coital feelings of intimacy, that your brain produces that feel like love. I think I should say that if I had said "I love you," it would have been a lie. We may be in love one day, but not yet. It's not fair to call him a user yet. If he stops talking to me or doesn't want to make another date then I'll come back and declare crazyaboutdogs right. But I have to recognize that this was my mistake, not his. He's 9 years older and he's never been married. He's lost a lot of his idealism when it comes to love. At least if we do get to the "in love" phase, I'll know it means something. I'm hurting, but I'll give it time. Once I start working, I'll be busy too and its not like either of us will have a lot of time to meet other people. We did agree to be exclusive. It was my mistake, and as bad as it hurts, only time will tell. I'll just have to learn to deal with it and see what happens.

[HeartGoesOn]

I'm not depressed. I think I was a bit idealistic about the whole thing. I always thought I'd wait until I was married and be with a man who was very in love with me. I kind of thought he'd be ready to connect on a deeper emotional level after we had sex.

 

It's really the other way around, you both need to connect on an emotional level before having sex, not after.

[Ms Darcy]

Why did you decide to have sex before you had more emotional intimacy?

[ToesNtheWater]

Why did you decide to have sex before you had more emotional intimacy?

 

Because I'm naive, it's tough to admit. But in the back of my mind I thought he'd open up to me after we had sex. He was the one that pursued me. I was mean to him when we first met, and he was kind to me. I finally decided to give him a chance, and we really hit it off. So I didn't think it would be that tough to get an emotional commitment out of him.

[Ms Darcy]

Because I'm naive, it's tough to admit. But in the back of my mind I thought he'd open up to me after we had sex. He was the one that pursued me. I was mean to him when we first met, and he was kind to me. I finally decided to give him a chance, and we really hit it off. So I didn't think it would be that tough to get an emotional commitment out of him.

 

Well, I'm sorry for this. Think of it like this ... in the course of our lives we are probably going to date a lot of people. Additionally, you are probably going to date several people for several months. Now, less likely, is getting into a long-term relationship. It takes time to determine if you are compatible, if you are really in love, if you want to commit to this person. I'm not saying you should wait years before sex, but you should wait until this person looks you in the eyes, declares you his gf publicly, and communicates a deep emotional connection with you.

 

You deserve no less.

[ToesNtheWater]

Well, I'm sorry for this. Think of it like this ... in the course of our lives we are probably going to date a lot of people. Additionally, you are probably going to date several people for several months. Now, less likely, is getting into a long-term relationship. It takes time to determine if you are compatible, if you are really in love, if you want to commit to this person. I'm not saying you should wait years before sex, but you should wait until this person looks you in the eyes, declares you his gf publicly, and communicates a deep emotional connection with you.

 

You deserve no less.

 

Thanks Ms. Darcy, your post actually made me feel better. I really want a deep, long-term relationship. I just need to be patient, and don't try to force things.

[ToesNtheWater]

I couldn't sleep last night because all these thoughts were swimming in my head. So I finally decided to pluck up some courage and just ask him about it. I told him I was upset after we had sex because I felt like I had given my virginity to someone who didn't care about me. He then asked me to tell him every thing he ever did that made me feel like he didn't care. He explained himself and apologized. He also said that he thought I was a great person, and he did really care about me. He just isn't always good about saying it. He finished by making me promise that I wouldn't let these things worry me, and I should always come to him if something is bothering me. He listened and wasn't angry or defensive about anything. Most of the time he's about as sweet as a lemon, but I do think he's a good guy. After that conversation, I don't think his intentions are just to use or hurt me.

[Ms Darcy]

Communication is a good thing!

 

Now, that does not mean it's ok to go to him every time that you feel insecure or bad about the relationship. If you are doing that everyday, it's going to weigh on him.

 

My advice is to be happy and have fun in the dating experience. Take things lightly and enjoy your time together. The more you do this, the more likely he'll want to be with you long-term.

[ToF]

I think this is good, but I notice you didn't say anything about him committing to/discussing a real relationship. That's what I think you really deserve here. Did he say anything about that? How did he explain his not wanting you to meet anyone, and his lack of committment?

[ToesNtheWater]

I think this is good, but I notice you didn't say anything about him committing to/discussing a real relationship. That's what I think you really deserve here. Did he say anything about that? How did he explain his not wanting you to meet anyone, and his lack of committment?

 

He apologized for hurting me or making me feel like he didn't care. He didn't know the girlfriend issue bothered me because I told him in the beginning that I don't like to force a relationship or say things before they're true. We reaffirmed our exclusivity and decided to slow it down. Just approach things like a normal month long relationship and spend some time together talking and getting to know each other instead of doing sexual things.

[No One]

Well...(everyone go ahead and start hating) I'd advise you to enjoy the moment! Get the most out of being a lover, make the most out of becoming friends. With the fall, both of you will have a lot of commitments, so, you'll be able to see if you each separately and both together have the interest, commitment, drive, and need to continue the relationship. If not, please don't take it too bad (since, why would, in that case, it have worked-out); but, it may continue to take-off and develop.

 

Seems that he does care, but, knows that the approaching fall may be too much. Focus on the good things here and now. You are both adults.

 

Virginity? Did you think that the world would be different? That the best sex is at start, not later on? That the sex creates the love? No, that seems a way for the two of you to express yourselves to each other.

 

Don't make this into a bad thing.