If you're not attractive, should you settle so you're not alone?

[LightbulbSun]

I mean, date people that you're not attracted to, just so that you're not alone?

[Sparkly Eyes]

It depends. Right now, I can't date people I'm not attracted to. Maybe when I get older I change, maybe not. There is no "should" or "shouldn't" as long as you know you won't end up cheating on them or at least like them to some degree.

 

EDIT: lol, I just saw the "if you are not attractive" in your post. Well I think I'm somewhat attractive, not gorgeous or anything. But there are very attractive people who still settle so they won't end up alone.

[dave_49]

i dated my wife as friends 30 years ago and we happily married now. sometimes looks over come what the person is really like.i never concidered her as a potential wife and the mother to my children but after a few months of just being friends,i realised what a great person she was and .... well the rest is history went on to have 3 great sons and now they left home we still as much in love as then . so the answer to your question is yes know the person not the face g/l

[Gilroy]

Is it possible to date some one that we are not attracted to??? Friends, yes! But romance? I don't think so.

[Crush85]

Only out of complete desperation would I ever consider doing that.

[EQIQ]

Sometimes you might not be as initially attracted to someone as you would like to be, but the attraction grows overtime due to other things, personality, the way she/he does things etc. The opposite is also true. So don't settle for someone that even after having time to know the person you are still not attracted to, will lead you to be very unhappy. (At least I think so lol....)

[petite]

Absolutely not. I would rather be alone than be with someone I am not attracted to physically and emotionally. Looks and personality both matter and it would be unfair to the person you're with if you are only with them to satisfy your own selfish needs and fulfill your loneliness. While otherwise you wouldn't be with them if you weren't lonely.

[Celadon]

No, you need to find someone who you are attracted to -- at least emotionally or personality-wise.

 

It's a funny thing. Some people equate attraction only with the physical, and if that's the case, and you yourself are not attractive, then good luck. Like attracts like.

 

Other people consider attraction to be some combination of physical and emotional/mental. That's when people can fall in love after knowing the other person for awhile. However, personally, I am very perceptive as to who a person is from the start. So I know if I'm attracted to someone emotionally/mentally early on. It's unlikely I'll "discover" who the person is after several months of knowing them.

[abitbroken]

I could date someone who other people do not consider attractive. After all, we all have different "types" and attraction isn't just about symmetry of someone's face or abs. There are so many factors that go into attraction. My ex was not considered attractive by traditional measures, but some women found him charming. However, I could not continue to date someone I was not attracted to. And its the whole package. There might be sexual attraction, or someone and you just click.

 

As long as you are not rigid in picking someone a part, but just "go with" your feelings and allow yourself to be charmed and attracted to someone you wouldn't normally consider.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

i dont know. the two guys ive had a relationship with loved how i look, or so they said. now im getting older and i think im gonna have to settle for just about anyone at this point because im basically throwing myself at people and no one will even ask me on a date. hell id probably let someone hook up with me just to get some attention from a man, but no one wants to even do that. no one even tries to get sex from me on online dating sites. i would basically go on a date with any guy that asked me at this point, but I can't even get anyone, nevermind my "type". i dont even know how my ex was attracted to me. it must have been a fluke.

[mr me]

I think the key thing to all of this is it seems like you dont see yourself as attractive. That is a product of lack of confidence as well as alot of things. I think it would be really almost impossible to find a partner that is good for you if you dont feel good about yourself. I think its really important for you to evaluate your idea of being attractive. Not everyone has to be super attractive to think of themselves as attractive.

 

Also its important to not constantly think that you need to be going after super attractive people as a fantasy. That could lead you to think that because they arent attracted to you that you arent attractive and wont attract other people better suited for you. I think if you change your perception of whats attractive to you as well as why you dont see yourself as attractive then things could change for you.

[Sparkly Eyes]

i dont know. the two guys ive had a relationship with loved how i look, or so they said. now im getting older and i think im gonna have to settle for just about anyone at this point because im basically throwing myself at people and no one will even ask me on a date. hell id probably let someone hook up with me just to get some attention from a man, but no one wants to even do that. no one even tries to get sex from me on online dating sites. i would basically go on a date with any guy that asked me at this point, but I can't even get anyone, nevermind my "type". i dont even know how my ex was attracted to me. it must have been a fluke.

 

oh wow, that's a very negative attitude. Don't you think you might be giving a desperate vibe to guys and that's why they avoid you?

 

Also, I would try to improve my appearance...maybe the way you dress or weight issues? Although I still don't think it's all about your appearance. I have a girl friend who would be considered ugly by many people's standards and she goes on LOTS of dates. She is a very fun and positive person tho.

[Jd1983]

No, you should not settle for anyone just so you won't be alone.

 

This is not fair to you, nor the person you choose to date. Sometimes it's more than just looks, it's the whole package. If they have a great personality, then perhaps you can overlook their physical appearance.

 

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

[Nomadic Intent]

oh wow, that's a very negative attitude. Don't you think you might be giving a desperate vibe to guys and that's why they avoid you?

 

Also, I would try to improve my appearance...maybe the way you dress or weight issues? Although I still don't think it's all about your appearance. I have a girl friend who would be considered ugly by many people's standards and she goes on LOTS of dates. She is a very fun and positive person tho.

 

 

I say good for your girlfriend! Personality always shines through at the end. I've worked with many models and actresses in the past, and there's nothing's faster to a turn off than a snobbish attitude.

 

As far as the title of this thread, short and direct answer is no.

 

I'm one of those, what my guy friends call 'weird', as i can't even have sex with a girl i'm not attracted to. So no, its not that i don't want to settle for someone cause its convenient, i just can't. Neither should anybody else IMO.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

oh wow, that's a very negative attitude. Don't you think you might be giving a desperate vibe to guys and that's why they avoid you?

 

Also, I would try to improve my appearance...maybe the way you dress or weight issues? Although I still don't think it's all about your appearance. I have a girl friend who would be considered ugly by many people's standards and she goes on LOTS of dates. She is a very fun and positive person tho.

 

maybe. Although i dont know how the online guys can tell that im desperate when they won't even talk to me. Unless they automaticallu assume that I'm desperate because I'm the one that's sending out the first email because apparently women are getting dozens of emails a day and only the ugly ones have time to look at guys profiles and send initial messages. i might be oozing desperation in real life. But i see other girls do what i do and guys just consider it flirting and flirt back. i was a positive fun person until about 15 guys rejected me in the past month or so. now I am basically willing to have sex with anyone and no one will even come near me.

[RyanGeist]

now im getting older and i think im gonna have to settle for just about anyone at this point

 

Whoa there! Twenty-five is not old in the dating game! Twenty-five is not old, period!

 

No age is "old" in the dating game. People date at all sorts of ages. People in nursing homes are quite scandalous, actually...

 

hell id probably let someone hook up with me just to get some attention from a man, but no one wants to even do that.

 

oh wow, that's a very negative attitude. Don't you think you might be giving a desperate vibe to guys and that's why they avoid you?

 

Guys do sense desperation and make judgments based on it. Regardless of physical beauty, men might think a desperate woman is someone who might date them and then dump them as soon as a "better" option comes about. Or that they're just there for the cash, babies, or sex. But perhaps the biggest deterrent in terms of desperation is the fact that you aren't being chosen, as much as you are being settled for. This can create insecurities. Guys who've been in similar situations are wary of this.

 

I mean, date people that you're not attracted to, just so that you're not alone?

 

I'm incapable of dating any person who I'm not attracted to, regardless of the dating pool at large. It just doesn't work that way for me.

 

Actually, I never really progress to a dating stage with a woman unless there's already some deeper attraction. It's all nervous smiles and awkward moments, otherwise. But given that attraction, I'm a steam-roller. There's no obstacles. It's so easy to date someone you've got a thing for.

[Sparkly Eyes]

maybe. Although i dont know how the online guys can tell that im desperate when they won't even talk to me. Unless they automaticallu assume that I'm desperate because I'm the one that's sending out the first email because apparently women are getting dozens of emails a day and only the ugly ones have time to look at guys profiles and send initial messages. i might be oozing desperation in real life. But i see other girls do what i do and guys just consider it flirting and flirt back. i was a positive fun person until about 15 guys rejected me in the past month or so. now I am basically willing to have sex with anyone and no one will even come near me.

 

Sorry, but your post made me laugh. There is no way what you say is true. some guys rejected you on online dating, so what? did you know that guys respond to just like 40 or 50 percent of the messages they receive? There could be many reasons for why they didn't respond to you.

 

Like I said try to stay positive and improve yourself. Complaining alone doesn't solve your problem.

[peanutbutterandjelly]

Sorry, but your post made me laugh. There is no way what you say is true. some guys rejected you on online dating, so what? did you know that guys respond to just like 40 or 50 percent of the messages they receive? There could be many reasons for why they didn't respond to you.

 

Like I said try to stay positive and improve yourself. Complaining alone doesn't solve your problem.

 

i wasnt talking just about online dating, but men in real life as well and I wasn't counting guys just not responding as rejection. If i was doing that, it would probably be closer to 75 guys in the past month. The 15 guys were those I met in real life and a bunch of them rejected me to my face. Ive been trying not to complain, but its really getting to me lately. i feel very sad and worthless. im sorry, but i dont know where else to even post about this other than on ena.

[dragon lady]

A line needs to be drawn somewhere. If you're Danny Devito and you're only willing to date women who look like Adriana Lima, then I'd say you need to lower your standards (I know people don't believe in standards, but yes, they do exist!). In the majority of cases people end up with partners who are on a similar level of attractiveness.

 

However, I think if you're not willing to accept certain physical flaws and you have many yourself, then the women you'd be settling with would be better off without you.

[Hermes]

I think the key thing to all of this is it seems like you dont see yourself as attractive. That is a product of lack of confidence as well as alot of things. I think it would be really almost impossible to find a partner that is good for you if you dont feel good about yourself. I think its really important for you to evaluate your idea of being attractive. Not everyone has to be super attractive to think of themselves as attractive.

 

I agree. This is at the heart of the matter.

 

why you dont see yourself as attractive

 

I ask that ion. What is so un attractive about you?

 

H

[lila...]

Even though family is extremely important to me, I don't think I would be able to settle with someone I didn't find attractive. Physical attraction is not everything, but it's key to attraction in general. If I were to reach an older age and still haven't found the one, I would consider forming a family of my own (having kids) without a husband- but I would not settle. I just can't see myself being intimate and kissing someone I wasn't attracted to.

[Circe1607308268]

Just gotta tell you, milknhoney, that I know what you're going through. Although I've been told I'm "very attractive" (not my quote, but the quote of others), and I get looks and comments, I can't get into a relationship -- or simply have sex with a guy -- to save my life! If I get past a first date, the guy goes MIA soon thereafter, but pops up time and again for the same futile, frustrating go round.

 

I also find it amusing that the advice given to people in our situation is that we need to stop sending up "desperate vibes." Who's desperate?! Been involuntarily single/celibate for way too long to be much of anything except hopeful! The most I can be accused of is wishful thinking.

 

And the idea that "guys can smell desperate." Really? Funny how they can't sniff out "crazy," "manipulative," "controlling," "demanding," "helpless, "self-absorbed," or just plain "mean" until they've already been through the meat grinder. Weird how that works, isn't it? Maybe they should do a study on it.

 

So don't feel bad, milknhoney. At this point, I feel like I could wait stark naked outside the prison gates on parole day and not get a flicker of interest. And yes, I am considering lowering my standards down to the bedrock just to have sex one more time before I die. You betcha. The next guy who asks is gonna hit the Jackpot of Love!!!

[Batya33]

Attraction was essential for me but the person did not have to have conventionally attractive features. I wouldn't have settled for no attraction, nor would I have made a child settle for life without a stable marriage/family.

[Bluesman89]

No..

 

I personally would rather continue being alone as at least I am in my comfort zone. If I were to try and get into a relationship with someone I wasn't attracted to it would be extremely stressful and would involve lies. It would just end up being a horrible and damaging experience for both parties.

 

Maybe some people don't agree with that. Perhaps that's why so many men and women who are not conventionally attractive (physically) are in healthy relationships. I however would not consider those relationships healthy though if there isn't attraction and thus it's based upon secrecy. The result for that way of thinking for me though of course, is I am alone. Is that wrong or right? Well it's all down to your own personal opinion.

[Hermes]

If you're not attractive, should you settle so you're not alone?

 

OP: Asking again. What constitutes "attractive" and why do you feel you are not attractive. I am assuming you are referring to external appearance.....

 

H