Physical Intimacy and Exclusivity

[Ammy]

Hey guys,

 

Okay so I have been dating a guy for just under 3 weeks (we met online) and we have been on a total of 4 dates. We have another scheduled for Sunday. He arranged all the first 4 dates and I have now initiated the 5th date. He is very affectionate with me, but fairly slow with contact in between dates (2-3 days) and we don't just chat on the phone or text for a while, it's usually jst a short text convo, and usually around plans for the next date. He is also still on the dating site, however has not been active since the 3rd date (last week).

 

We have got quite hot and heavy with the making out - the second date was the first kiss, 3rd date we made out in the car and some heavy petting... 3rd date I took it back a notch as I felt it had gone too fast, but we did make out at his place and he said I was very sexy and he liked me a lot and that I "turn him on".

 

I am a virgin, and totally sexually inexperienced, besides making out and some petting, I have never engaged in anything sexual - ie. oral, sex, handjobs etc... I am reluctant to go too far with someone unless I feel there is long-term potential.

 

So here's the dilemma.. I really like him and am very attracted to him and do want to go a bit further, but I want some more security first. Being my first, I don't want to regret it when he dumps me a day later. I know there is no certainty in this world, but I want to at least know he likes me enough to be my boyfriend before I sleep with him.

 

Is it too early to ask for exclusivity? How should I broach the topic with him - ie. that I will not go any further sexually until I know we have a stronger connection - are in a relationship. Is this unreasonable?

 

Thanks,

Ammy

[Capricorn3]

I would "go with the flow" for the next few dates at least. I don't think there is any need to start asking for exclusivity - not at this stage anyway. I say enjoy what you have going and it usually takes care of itself when the time comes.

 

For now, be happy that it's all going so well, including the make out sessions, lol.

[Sparkly Eyes]

It depends how much you think he likes you. Do you think he wants to be exclusive? I wouldn't ask this soon if I were you. How experienced is the guy?

[lavenderdove]

Asking for exclusivity won't necessarily prevent him from dumping you a day later... there are no real guarantees for that other than him wanting to stay with you and being a good guy who doesn't lie about his intentions or the type to have sex and run.

 

I do however think it is OK to say that you don't want to be intimate beyond doing X (whatever is your limit) until you feel like you know him better and there's a connection there). Be prepared to say how long you think that might be (a logical question for him), whether that is a couple months or whatever you feel comfortable with.

 

If he likes you enough he'll stick around and wait for it, but keep in mind that in today's world, many people are not going to be willing to wait for a really long time to have sex, since one of the reasons they date is to have sex. But i think if you ask to wait a while and he's a good guy, he will. If he's just casually dating and not interested in a serious relationship, he won't wait for it.

[CarbonDating]

I just posted about a similar issue a couple of seconds ago. Weird.

 

I'd say hold off a little longer maybe?? It's fantastic that you're really attracted to him but if he feels the same about you he should be willing to wait a little longer in my opinion.

 

I'm not one for playing games or anything like that but sometimes it's a good idea to take things a little slowly. especially if you like someone. In the past (a long time ago) I rushed into things with guys and I ended up getting hurt because I didn't give myself enough to a chance to see that they weren't that into me.

 

But then that's my view on things. I hope it all works out for you.

[d24]

I never dated anyone non-exclusively - it's not fair on anyone because you're not giving your all to trying to get to know them, to figuring out if that person is who you want to be with.

 

I can't really get my head around sleeping and dating around till this 'exclusivity' thing clicks in... in my opinion it's me or them... not both. If I were you I'd not be worried about asking him upfront - if he's a decent guy he'll have no problem in stopping 'anything else' to see where it leads with you, and if he says no it'll make you feel glad that you didn't lose your virginity to someone who wouldn't care enough to take things slow with you (and just you).

 

So I say, ask/tell him that you're not willing to go further without knowing that you're exclusive (hey don't forget sexual health reasons too).

[Ammy]

Thanks everyone. I know I am not ready for sex yet. It is very special for me, being my first time and whilst I know it may not be with my life long partner, I don't want it to be with some fling that ends... I want it to be within a committed relationship. I hope that he will understand and wait.

 

I think I like lavenderdove's suggestion... I will tell him, if things get too heated, that I do feel attracted to him, however I need a bit more time and to get ot know him a bit better before I'm willing to take it to that next level. In the meantime however I am happy to engage in some other stuff... touching, making out, and potentially take it a bit further if things are still going well after a few more dates. I just always worry a guy will think I'm frigid... that has happened in the past.

 

Ammy

[KH26]

I was stupid and didn't make sure we were exclusive before I had sex with my boyfriend (I was a virgin). We've been "together" for a while but neither of us had exactly said what we were. I did ask him the next day though and he already thought we were a couple, that's the only reason he hadn't asked. But I wish I had asked him before we had sex. I don't regret it now, not at all. But, yeah, I should have asked.

 

Agree with whoever said that being exclusive doesn't mean he can't dump you the next day. Just take things slow if you're not ready. If he likes you enough it won't matter. Only do things when you feel ready.

[lucyblue10]

I agree that it's far too early to be asking about being exclusive.

 

If you're worried about things moving too fast physically then try not to leave yourselves in a situation where things could develop.

 

When I started dating my current boyfriend, I was, like you, fairly inexperienced. We agreed to take things slowly and waited about 6 months until having sex. Yes, we did some making out/ petting but because he was rennovating his house (it was uninhabitable) and I was sharing a house, so things going much further wasn't possible or were awkward. We waited until we'd booked to go away for a weekend on holiday. It worked well because we got to know each other well before having greater physical intimacy.

 

I also think it's impossible to know how your relationship will pan out: there's no guarantees, but I think if you get to know each other over the next couple of months and if you find things are getting more sexual between you, then it's probably the right time.

[lostandhurt]

Ammy,

Since you are a virgin there are many things you don't know and no one can tell you. Being intimate is a very big thing to some and not so big to others. There is sexual compatiblity that comes into play here as well. Remember that you may not want to continue the relationship after you are intimate with him after some time has passed. Just because you have sex with someone doesn't mean you are bonded to them forever.

 

I would have to agree that being open and honest with him will allow him to choose if he wants to wait to be with you. If you tell him your boundaries and he respects them then you have an idea of the kind of guy he is. Please remember this one thing. When you start making out and petting, guys loose some of their brain capacity. There is something about a beautiful woman kissing and holding us that makes us loose some of higher brain functions lets say. What I am saying is don't be surprised if you have to swat him on the nose like a puppy once in a while to remind him that is not okay. You are very pretty and he has already told you how you make him feel so the animal in him can show up. Don't swat him though, he might like it! LOL Just move his hands back where you feel more comfortable.

 

I think he will like knowing the boundaries as us guys are always trying to figure women out!

 

Best wishes

Lost

[orchidrose]

I don't know if this specifically has come up, but do you plan on telling him you're a virgin before you have sex? I would strongly, strongly recommend that you do. I know it's scary, but I think it will put both of you at ease, if he's the right guy - you won't have to worry that he thinks you're being frigid, and he won't have to worry about why you won't have sex with him right away. It will also help him remember to take things slow and not get into crazy stuff in the very beginning.

 

I was a virgin longer than many of my friends, and when I finally did meet a guy I wanted to be exclusive with, I debated telling him. Ultimately, even though it was completely awkward, I did, and it was a great decision. I think if I hadn't, he would've pushed for sex before I was ready, but once he knew that I was a virgin, he felt a lot more comfortable taking some time before we became intimate.

[Ammy]

Hey, this is a good point and something I have been thinking about a lot. I WILL tell him, should we continue dating longer... and DEFINITELY before we do have sex for the first time... but I'm hesitating saying anything just yet as I am 27... and I think it's unusual... and will lead into the "how many LTRs have you had?" to which my answer is - NIL... I have never dated a guy for more than 2 months. I worry about the judgements associated with this.... and I don't blame people for judging... I also worry he might think - this girl is asexual or something like that....

 

So my thought is that I will continue to take it slow atm, keep things at the current pace... making out, heavy petting only... and then if we become "official", I will bring it up with him...

 

Ammy

[orchidrose]

Hey, this is a good point and something I have been thinking about a lot. I WILL tell him, should we continue dating longer... and DEFINITELY before we do have sex for the first time... but I'm hesitating saying anything just yet as I am 27... and I think it's unusual... and will lead into the "how many LTRs have you had?" to which my answer is - NIL... I have never dated a guy for more than 2 months. I worry about the judgements associated with this.... and I don't blame people for judging... I also worry he might think - this girl is asexual or something like that....

 

So my thought is that I will continue to take it slow atm, keep things at the current pace... making out, heavy petting only... and then if we become "official", I will bring it up with him...

 

Ammy

 

I do understand you not wanting to tell him yet, but based on the activity that you've already done with him, it is not going to be long before he's going to pursue full-on sex. In fact, if you've already done some heavy petting and making out, I would say there's a good chance that he will be interested in going "all the way" on the next date.

 

If it does look like things are heading that direction, it's perfectly fair to stop him and tell him. That's how it happened with me - things were getting really hot and heavy and I knew that's where we were headed, so I just told him stop and blurted out "I'm a virgin and I don't think I'm ready for this yet." And it was fine. We just kept doing what we were doing and he knew we weren't going to go further for the time being. No need for a big discussion.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about the not having had relationships/still being a virgin thing. Yes, it is uncommon at your age, but if this is the right guy, it won't phase him.

[lostandhurt]

Ammy,

It may be a little unusual but there is nothing at all wrong with being a virgin at 27. He may find it a little hard to believe that your longest relationship was only 2 months but other than that it should be fine. Taking a girls or young womans virginity can make a guy a little nervous so don't hold it against him.

I think it is great you have met someone and have these feelings.

 

Lost

 

Hey, this is a good point and something I have been thinking about a lot. I WILL tell him, should we continue dating longer... and DEFINITELY before we do have sex for the first time... but I'm hesitating saying anything just yet as I am 27... and I think it's unusual... and will lead into the "how many LTRs have you had?" to which my answer is - NIL... I have never dated a guy for more than 2 months. I worry about the judgements associated with this.... and I don't blame people for judging... I also worry he might think - this girl is asexual or something like that....

 

So my thought is that I will continue to take it slow atm, keep things at the current pace... making out, heavy petting only... and then if we become "official", I will bring it up with him...

 

Ammy

[testcase]

Yea I agree with a lot of the things aneffigy123 has said. I mean I think if your already making out and doing this "heavy petting" or whatever that is he is probably thinking you two are going to hook up soon. Please tell him on the next date you two have I think you will get a good feel pretty quick what he is after. If he is honestly interested in a relationship with you he should take it pretty well and be sensitive to your needs. If not be prepared he could take it wrong... but you don't need a guy like that anyway.